A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Dear Cupid,Well, the situation is really complicated. I met this guy online 7 months ago and we started talking. He was a nice guy and we fell for each other and start a relationship. He lives a world apart, but we keep in touch by phone calls and mails and we sometimes send presents to each other. I can say I'm deeply in love with this guy, and so he is to me. We devoted to each other and we even started talking about our future together. About few months ago, he offered me to come to the states this Fall to be with him and get a better job there. I was looking forward for the offer but then I found out that he was not 26 years old as what he admitted when we first met, he actually is 32. He lied to me about his real age. But it didn't stop me from loving me, eventhough he lied to me about his age, but I believe he has a reason and I was waiting for him to tell me the truth. But either way, about coming to the states, when I talked to my parents, they were against it. I told him about this and he was dissaponited. He told me if the problem was with me coming to the states all alone, then he told me he was willing to come and pick me up from the country where I live at now. I tried to talk to my parents again but their decision is final. Since then, my boyfriend told me that our relationship is not going anywhere. I have such a bad feeling that he might want to end up this relationship. I honestly don't want to lose him despite all the things he's done to me (he's possessive and he's kinda short-tempered but he is willing to do everything he can do to be with me), and I still love him no matter what. I must choose between my parents and him, while those two were dear to me. What should I do? I just celebrated my birthday about a week ago and that was the best birthday ever coz I celebrated it with him over the phone. I don't want to lose him. Please, help me. I really appreciate any advice and suggest.Thank you very much. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (29 August 2010):
 Hi there! I was once in a similar situation to you. I met this guy online.. he was great. We spoke on the phone, but never webcammed because his webcam "didn't work". He provided me with pictures, who turned out to be someone else.
The first time I found out, I told him, and he denied it and showed me pictures of the "real" him. Those turned out to be fake too.
I found out who he really was. He had a girlfriend. He was about 300 pounds.
What I'm trying to say is.. these types of people will lie until the cows come home. They know they can get away with it, and there is minimal chance of them being found out unless you really smell a rat, like I did.
Please forget about him, and try to find someone who you can actually build a friendship with first.
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female
reader, HeavensScent  +, writes (29 August 2010):
I too met a man on the internet. And it has been seven months ago. We spend almost all the time of the fone together. It has been very rough. We have made a lot of attempts to get together but to no avail. He says hes never felt this way about any one before. I haven't either. We have broke up but get back together. I know because of the way his family is and the way I am that in long run it won't work. He changes his mind way to much about to many things. I wish I had answers. I know what ever you do, it will be very hard.I cry all time and I can't trust him. That is me. I just don't want this pain any more. My guy thinks I cheat on line or what ever.. just please be careful in what ever you do.. I'm sorry I can't help but want you to know there's someone out here going thu such a simular situation.. my prayers and blessings!!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Sorry to insist but I am afraid a relevant point is not clear enough to you , and it is the folllowing :
he said you can go visit him in the States and if you don't like it there, you can always go back. That's obvious, but... you only have 3 months to do that, after which you 'll be an illegal alien.
USA take seriously their immigration laws and breaking them can get you into a lot of troubles . Are you aware of that ? Is he aware ...?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Why would it be cheaper for you to go to him, and he said that him visiting you would cost too much? Did he give any explanation to this? Do you think that sounds fair? It would be a lot cheaper for him to go see you to be honest, as the US is more expensive than Indonesia.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2010):
Listen, you did not tell him you were going to go to him. No plans were made. It was his decision alone to sell the house. And as mention, how can you be sure that he sold the house because of you? Doesn't make sense to me. If you want someone to move in with you the first thing you do is find a place to live... not sell the place where you live, right? Smells fishy to me. Were you a part of this plan? You have never seen his face (aside from maybe a picture or two?), how do you know he actually had a house? Did he show you pictures of that too?
Now, I hope my boyfriend will excuse me, but I will say that when we first met he showed me pictures of his car. When I came to meet him (we met online too) the car was really his dads, but was in my boyfriends name because of technicalities. We still had to ask his dad's permission to drive it. All in all: wasn't really his car was it? What I mean to say is that you only hear your boyfriends view on things. The reality might be quite different. What he describes as a house might have been a run down cabin.
Don't feel guilty about the house. He is a grown man (in fact older than you were lead to believe originally), and is responsible for his own actions. Only children put blame on others for their own actions. He sold the house. Was it a bad idea? Maybe, but it has nothing to do with you. If he really did sell it to be better fit for when you arrived he would have talked the plans through with you, and maybe sold the house next year, after you had talked to your parents, met in person, arranged a job for you in the states.... He shouldn't have sold it now. This speaks of irresponsibility. There were NO plans yet made, even so he went ahead and sold the house. It was reckless, and jumping into things way too fast. His own fault. Not yours. You are sensible and responsible, taking your time to make a life changing decision. Which is the right thing to do. Take all the time you need in the world, and don't let him push you into anything. For heavens sake you haven't even seen the man on webcam..! Your man needs a reality check.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Lotsalove,
Thank you for sharing your story and drop the advices too. It make senses in some ways that I'd better meet him for a few weeks before deciding on moving there. I once told him about any possibility of him come visiting me here but he said that would cost a lot of money. He offered me to come to the states and if I didn't feel any comfort, if it didn't work, I could simply go back home. But I'm not sure of it since I've never been to the states before.
Thank you for the opinions!
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female
reader, Lotsalove. +, writes (18 July 2010):
 Ok I can definetely relate to you and share my story! I met my boyfriend online 15months ago, I live in the UK and he lives in the USA. Hes in the military, so when i met him he was actually in Iraq. Anyways, we fell for each other and just like chigirl said.. an online relationship is NOT a relationship, we were in one for 4 months before he finally returned to the US and flew me out there to meet him. I went for 10 days (not too long, not too short) and as much as we talked everyday all day about everything, my knees physically shook in that airport when i saw his face. Words cant describe how amazing but scary it felt. Getting my parents to let me go took some hard work, but after they had spoken 2 him on the phone and saw him on webcam (Which is how we mostly communicated) They felt a bit more at ease.
BUT... my expectations dropped dramatically. Within the 10 days i came to realise that he has the worst temper, hes constantly texting girls and he was very lazy in the bedroom. I had an amazing time with him, but these things knocked me. 3 months later he came and met my family and spent christmas here. Then ive just been back there for 4 months. Sorry for making this so long, but my boyfriend has now asked me to move there. Im 20 years old and at first that was like a dream for me, but now reality has hit and Its much easier said than done. Immigration to the USA is very very hard to get, you either have to have a job offer, a scholarship to education or be engaged to a US citizen. Aswell.. it costs roughly $400-500 dollars for a visa.
BUT.. i lately found out that my boyfriend cheated on me before i physically met him and he continued to talk/meet/etc with this girl after i left. He didnt admit it, his friend told me. I feel like my heart has been broken, because this relationship has been the hardest thing i have ever done, to then have it thrown back into my face. My boyfriend now admits what he did and gives me every ecxuse in the book. The trust has gone, the lies are all there and it makes me wonder what he honestly does when im not there. I say ALL that, to say... be careful. Not only physical safety, but emotional, LDR are the hardest, yes they can work and mine would still be intact if it wasnt for the cheating, but you need ALOT of trust. And just like chigirl said, you need to meet him for a week or two before you make ANY decisions on moving. And if you do decide to move, make sure you can physically leave your family and friends and home and everything you know behind.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 July 2010):
He SAYS the reason he sold his house was because he wants to start a new life with you.
How do you know this is true ? He gave a you a fake age and a fake pic, maybe he also gave you a fake reason- maybe he sold his house because he is full of debts,for all you know.
And when he says you don't love him enough to blah blah blah , he is being manipulative . For turning your life upside down as he would like you to do, you need not only great love, but also total trust, which you cannot have at this stage yet,after only 7 months of,basically,chitchats,( regardless of his "red flags " lies )And any sensible person would accept that without taking offense !
Why should you feel guilty for tryng to do what 's in your best interest , and making sure you don't make a huge mistake ???
My feeling is that deep down you know perfectly this relation is risky business yet you do not want to let it go, and hope in some input from the Aunts that says, yes,sure,
it is worth a try...
No babe, you want to do your own mistakes , go ahead and do them, as you are entitled to do , after all we only learn through mistakes. But please do not go fishing for validation or approval !
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Chigirl,
Thank you for your thoughts and points of view. Well, if it's something to sacrifice, I should tell that there are lots of things he's done for me. Lately he has sold his house and he's going to move to a new one. The reason why he did that, was because he wants to start a new life with me. Bu since I told him that I couldn't move there, he started telling me that I don't love him enough to come be with him. And honestly, that makes me feel so guilty up to this very moment. I know I should've made up my mind before it's too late.. But now, that this happened, I don't know what to do.
I feel bad about it.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (18 July 2010):
This guy is a fake. Hun, sorry, but if his webcam was broken he could have bought a new one. When I first got into a long distance relationship the very first thing I did, within the first weeks, was to buy a webcam. My guy also bought a webcam soon after we became a couple.
Your man is probably NOT who he says he is. He lied about a picture, and about his age. It is hard because you imagined him to be someone else. You gave your heart to the man he has told you he is. But he is not willing to prove who he actually is by getting a webcamera so you can have videochats. If he was sincere at any level he would have gotten a webcam up and running, and you shouldn't have had to ask several times. The fact that you have and he after 7 months haven't gotten a webcamera yet speaks in huge volumes. I am sorry for your loss and broken heart, but you need to realize that this man is a hoax. If he was for real he would have made the effort and be honest and keep it real. He has been dishonest with you about some very important things. He is likely keeping more things hidden. I fear he might already be married even.
Sorry, but it is good that you found out now who he truly is, instead of giving up all you have and travel to a man that is only made up.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for the points of view..
To add some more factual data, I haven't seen his face through any video call or video chat. I also found out that he misled me with a picture that actually someone else's picture! well, to prove this, I've asked him to try video call so many times but he kept saying that his webcam was broken or something. After reading all of your replies, it made me think twice about keeping this relationship since all the things you have suggested make senses at all.
But I don't know how to deal with the loss. People said that it will go through time, but I've been used in talking to him and being his company everyday eventhough through phone calls..
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (17 July 2010):
He is possessive,short-tempered,a liar, you only knew him 7 months ago, in fact you don't really know him because you never met, and you want to uproot yourself to go reach him in a place where you have no friends and no support system ?.... I am sure your parents think it's a bad idea ,what else should they think.
And the technicalities, too. You can stay up to 3 months in USA with a tourist visa, and then ? What you are gonna do ? It's not that easy to get a Green Card,in fact is quite complicated. What do you want to do, stay there illegally ? Working menial jobs off the books, and risking to be deported any time ? He could marry you and legalize your status... are you really gonna marry somebody you have "known " few months ago ? Not even if he were your next door neighbour ,I think !
I don't say that no Internet LDR relationship can ever work, because some do. BUT you need a precise plan, and committment,time and partience. You should first visit each other in your respective countries, and your families should meet, and you should make soemehow sure he is who he says he is and has no wife or secret addictions or a warrant out....Any guy who says : just pack your suitcase and leave is simply an irresponsible !
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female
reader, xanthic +, writes (17 July 2010):
 It's only been seven months, yet he wants to take you miles away from home. Aside from him, you'd know no one else there. He also lied about his age, and you don't truly know this man well because you've never met or spoken to each other in person. What else could he have lied about? You have no way of knowing.
Whatever you do, don't choose him over anything else. There are plenty of other men in the world, find one that doesn't require you to leave everything you've ever known behind.
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female
reader, aphexinfinite  +, writes (17 July 2010):
 im sorry you have never met and never spent time together. just because someone can seem real and honest doesnt mean that their are things to them you cant see! ive done LDR and i know how they work on a rough basis. some can work so im not telling you that just because you havent met him it wouldnt but what i am telling you is you should never put your heart into a LDR without knowing what you have got yourself into. you should meet him and spend quality time ie 2 weeks atleast with him before deciding anything. what if hes not 32 and is actually 45 he could of lied to you again he can lie once then he will certainly lie again. (he's possessive and he's kinda short-tempered) thats not good either how do you know hes not more pessesive just because you cant see him doesnt mean hes not worse in person or what if his temper leads to violence these are all things you cannot judge its a risk with every person but you should meet him before doing anything further LDR are not a quick thing or atleast they shouldnt be or you will be set up for alot of hurt.. you should never put your heart into a LDR without spending quality time together not over a computer or phone thats too easy and you can say and do what you want! so i understand why your parents say no why not ask them what he must do to prove to your family. good luck aphex
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (17 July 2010):
Alright, I will get a few things off of my chest first. I know for a fact that online relationships can work into real relationships. So don't get me wrong, I have no objections to online relationships. But you need to realize a few things, and also ask yourself a few more things. First off: you are NOT in a real relationship. This is an online relationship. If you want to make it a real relationship you need to meet this man first. That means NO ONE moves, leaves their country, gets married, or quits their jobs, before you have actually MET. This is very important. If he wants to be with you, he needs to travel to you first and then meet for maybe a few weeks. Then he goes back home without you! THEN you take some time to think about how it was so have him with you in person. You need to realize that you are not in a real relationship yet, and that there are so so so many things you can never experience during an online relationship. Then when you move the relationship into a real one you will encounter many problems, first off because you two are not used to each others physical aspects. What if he smells. farts, snores... what if he has disgusting habits and is horrible to other people. These things you don't see when in an online relationship. So you NEED to be on guard all the time until you two have actually met in person!
Next. he offered for you to come to him. As in move there. That decision needs a lot more than two months to think about. There is more to this than just your love for him. You need to evaluate if this is really within your best interest. Have you made yourself familiar with the laws of immigration? Are you familiar with the fact that your education from Indonesia might not count at all in the states? You could very well end up broke and dependent on your boyfriend. If he is controlling and possessive he will become even more possessive once you are there, weak and dependent on him. Be aware of this danger. Over there you will have no support system. Not to mention that in order for you to move there permanently you need to apply for visa's or already have a job there, or who knows. It is a complicated process. And by the sounds of it you haven't even started to think about just how complicated this is. Even if your parents said yes, your real problem is "how will you get there?"
Already there are many reasons why not to go, and none of them have anything to do with your parents. What you need to do, like I already said, is meet this guy in person before any permanent decisions are made. Your parents should meet him too. And if they don't approve of you leaving, you can have your man move to you. I don't see why not. Why should you give up everything you have while he sacrifices nothing? Not fair. And such things will put resentment into the relationship over time.
If he wants to be with you he has to be open to discuss more opportunities than just this one he has presented. If you do move over there now, without even meeting him, you will be considered more of a mail order bride than anything.
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