A
female
age
51-59,
*andab
writes:I am having problems with my teenager. He's 13 and doesn't want me to date or talk to anyone. I decided not to bring any man around until I felt that it was serious. I have found someone who I am very happy with. My son won't accept it. He is very violent towards me. He fights me and he has recently punched me in my face and made my nose bleed. He says that its because of my boyfriend. My boyfriend comes over late sometimes because we think that my son is asleep but he's not. One night my boyfriend went to the bathroom naked (this was at 3a.m.). My son saw him. He says that seeing him raped him menatlly. I sat my boyfriend down and told him that we can only see each other when my son is not home. That was not good enough. My son wanted me to yell at my boyfriend for being naked. We discussed it like two adults that's how we came to that decision. Anyway, now my son wants me to break up with my boyfriend. We have been together for 10 months and this situation happened back in February and now my son is just deciding to make it a problem. He says that he won't be happy until my boyfriend is out of my life. He even called the police on me last week to tell them that he saw my boyfriend naked. That made me angry because this is now 7 months old. The police told him that as long as the problem was fixed it was nothing they could do. I am so hurt by all of this. Much more is going on such as lying, destroying things etc. What do I do? He is going to talk to a counselor in a few days, but what do I do now.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2010): Holy crap people, just because a kid acts that way doesnt mean his got a mental illness.
I am currently 22years old, my parents got divorced when I was 7years old. My mother gained soul custody.
With my mothers first relationship after the marrage, I hated the boyfriend, even because he didnt do anything, in my mind he was the "reason" my parents would never be together again.
Any child from a broken familys ultimate dream would be to have their mother and father together again... unforunately boyfriends and girlfriends often are hated cause they prevent that dream from happening (in the mind of a child.)
My mom's boyfriend died in a car crash when I was 12years old, and well, although I was a little sad, to a degree I wasnt.... for a while after that my mother wasnt dating at all.
However, I can completely relate to your son, because when I was 13years old, my mother decided to date again, and it put me in a complete defence mode. No guy was ever good enough for her, and I felt that every guy just wanted to "date" her to "use" her.
I did the horrific things, like shutting down the houses water while the guys in the shower so he would burn with hot water, etc.. to try scare them away.
At night if I got the idea they were going to have sex, I would try do things to prevent it.... which also makes me understand why you kid would be awake at 3am.
If I look back today, your child is trying to be the alpha male of the house, and he sees the boyfriend as a threat.
Trying to "hide" the relationship from the kid, or see the boyfriend when his a school, etc is THE WORST thing you can do.
My suggestion, try make him realize that even if you have the boyfriend in your life, there will always be a place for him. Do stuff together, like go have supper or go to the park with him and the boyfriend.
You want to create a friendship between your child and the boyfriend so that the child feels that even with the boyfriend, he has nothing to worry about.
Lastly, remember that no boyfriend is worth loosing the relationship and alienating your child, who should come first. :)
Good luck :)
A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Yes, he may have a mental illness, but it should have shown itself long before the boyfriend was involved.
If he's smoking pot, when your clearing out the room it should show up.
If he has some reason to explain his behaviour, I'm sure he will tell you to avoid the draconian rules I'm suggesting.
Always remember to tell him you love him very much, he's precious to you and you put his needs first, but you will not and cannot stand aside and watch him turn into a manipulative thug.
Only other explaination for his behaviour is that you continuously have men in your home, have short relationships and many partners and your son is fed up and had enough. In that case, yes, your partner should not come to the house until you repair your relationship with your son and make him feel important and loved.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 September 2010):
Oh dear, I'm late to answer, everything has already been said.
NEVER REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR, AND NEVER LET A MAN (or child) MANIPULATE YOU OR FRIGHTEN YOU FOR THEIR OWN BENEFIT.
There is only one reason I can see for a child to react this violently. If he has been abused by your boyfriend, or knows your boyfriend is an abuser in anyway. Then yes of course he may be frightened to the point of madness. Check with him to find out if he has seen any appropriate behaviour in your boyfriend.. but if not....
sigh.. you son is a violent little creep. Not only does he lash out, but he is very manipulative. He can't get what he wants, so his willing to see you in jail, just so he can retain his power. He dosen't see anything wrong in his actions. If he hurts you, it's not his fault, you are to blame, it's never his fault, he shifts blame and takes no responsiblity.
This child has been overindulged and spoilt to the point of recklessness. I didn't see you mention punishment. You get hit, and you reward your son by spending less time with your boyfriend. Not good, your son has now been taught that violence and bad behaviour gets him what he wants.
You sound like the child, and he sounds like an abusive husband. You let it get so bad, you are the one who has spoiled him and allowed him to act this way. Like the others, I can't treat my parents like this, and no child could treat me like this without me getting very violent. You should have "waterboarded him", head in toilet or in a sink full of water would have made him think twice about using violence on you..
Yes, that's very violent. But kids who hit, especially 13 year olds are totally out of control and need strong treatment to be pulled back in.
Arrange for you boyfriend to continue to visit. Maybe not sleep over at the moment, but you can't allow this child to get what he wants and drive your boyfriend away. As far as your concerned, you are now to scared of your son to be alone with him without a strong man to back you up.
Now the punishment for dangerous, manipulative and violent behaviour. Your son dosen't seem to understand, that he owes you everything, you keep him alive. Go into his bedroom with a big box, and clean the room of everything nice. Remove nice clothes, toys, computer, books, anything and everything that gives him any pleasure. Get some white bedclothes, plain with no patterns. Now you have presented your son with the only thing you owe him... Basic survial items, only what is necessary.
Explain to him that because of his behaviour, your relationship has changed. You are still his mother, and you love him very much, but you have been too kind and lenient, and it has to stop now he is becoming a teenager who thinks it's alright to hit you and tell you what to do.
All the nice stuff, well lock them up. He can get them back with good behaviour.
Warn him there is no point playing up. The punishment for violence and manipulation is removal of nice things. The punishment for further bad behaviour, is for you to call the government in and seeing about him being removed to a children's home. If he can't act like a child, and he is violent, then he can't stay at home, the government can bring him up.
Stop giving him pocket money, treats or anything nice. Ban his friends from the home, put a lock on the family phone and you keep the key. He can ask you daily for pocket money, and you give him only what he needs to stay alive with no extra treats.
He's done his worst, you've seen what he can do. Now show him your weapons. The right to remove the things that you own (everything in his bedroom, his clothes, every bloody thing in the house) The right to socialise at home (the phone, his friends) The right to economic freedom (pocket money) And the ultimate penalty, the right to have a family life and a home (if he can't behave he can go stay with the government for a while and see if that is better)
Now he can work and earn back his things and your respect. The reason why I say white sheets and bedclothes, is he is old enough to wash them and keep them clean. Weekly duties of laundry, daily inspection of homework, demands that he do extra chores, anything that you can think of. He's bloody old enough to run a house, just like the kids in Africa and the caribbean do. His punishment is to take on more responsiblitiy at home, and perform to a standard that you think is decent.
When his behaviour and his language change, then he can be given back some of his items, and his daily household chores can become less.
I'm expecting him to explode, good, stand your ground, this is a fight you must win, otherwise he'll be beating you up for the next couple of years, and you will never be able to force him to leave when the time is ready.
Ask your boyfriend for help. Visiting twice a week is good enough. Knowing a man is there who can whip his ass should protect you for violence and harm. You can tell your son your so frightened of him, that if he dares touch you again, you will call your boyfriend to sort him out or you'll call the police who will take him away and put him in a children's home.
You got to break this one's spirit. He is violent, manipulative and doesn't know how to take responsibility for the things he does wrong. If you don't do it now, I feel sorry for you and the women he will date in the future. He will only get more violent if you give in to him. I feel if you put him in to counselling he'll lie and try to manipulate the therapist. This you need to knock on the head, and show him violence and bad behaviour gets him a big fat nothing.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Great advice from all below. And I have to commend RCN on his statement where he says "Your son, I believe has issues that stem deeper than the guy you are with, it's just that he's being there is on the surface and immediate. Therefore, it'd be what's projected through the anger. I think counseling will be beneficial.". I completely agree with him.
I am sorry for what you are going through with your son. There are so many reasons why he could be lashing out at you, that go much deeper than you simply dating a fellow. Plainly, whatever is causing this acting out behavior, it is very obvious by reading your posting, that he has not learned to control his feelings, especially those angry feelings.
I have some questions to put toward you. I don't need answers. I am just asking you, to help you think about what could be happening with him and how you feel you want to proceed.
Is this behavior is out of character for your son? Has it started just recently? Since you began dating again? I ask that, because if your son has had some undiagnosed 'mental health' issues, a new bf may be throwing him off. If he's always been this way, then has he ever seen any other adults being angry and using violence against you? And yes, as the other Aunts have said, sometimes, the young teenager can view his primary parent as weak and this often is the mother.
Is he going through an unrelated stressful period of time? School, dating, friendships?
Now there could be another deeper problem. Your son may need to be assessed for mental health issues (bi-polar, depression, etc) and for substance abuse. Don't count that one out...he's young, but drugs are immersed in the grade school level, nowadays. It's really disturbing but it's a sad reality of life. I have a friend who's son did the same thing, at 14 years old. He refused to 'allow' his Mother to date. He'd freak out if she even went on a coffee date with a male friend. She was a great Mom, a bit too indulgent and she quickly realized that her behavior was also contributing to his situation, as well. She took him to counseling and found out he was suffering from an acute mental illness (pychosis) brought on by excessive use of drugs, mainly pot. He finally got the help he needed and now, 6 years later, he's in universty now,2nd year Engineering, dating a wonderful girl and his Mom remarried. So there was a happy ending here...but, she was persistant, she got counseling to be a more assertive, stronger parent and she ensured her son got the help he needed.
If I were you, make him a priority and have him checked out and find out why this anger is manifesting itself. Do it Quickly. Take care, hun and I wish the best for your son.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (14 September 2010):
 You already know you are the parent he is the child, you are the mother and the father of this household. He is under your roof and rules. Where is his father? All of the agony aunts offer great advice, the next time he gets into a heated argument with you, I would tell him 3 words: juvenile detention center. If there's no progress in counseling tell him that's where his new home will be for the next 5 years.
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A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (14 September 2010):
Your son's behaviour is out of order, no doubt about that.
However, I think that your boyfriend was naked walking around the home that you share with your son is absolutely disgusting and completely inappropriate. Have some respect for this boy at least.
At 13, ultimately he is still a child. You need to put your relationship ideas on hold and make your son your priority. For whatever reason you and his father are no longer together, but that means you need to deal with the fallout of what has happened. And clearly something has caused him major problems which are affecting his behaviour.
You need to deal with your son's problems. He needs help. Take your boyfriend out of his life and out of the equation and focus on your son.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Your son is currently the man of the house. Now with your boyfriend, his importance with that role is being replaced. Kids act out in anger often because they don't know how to relate to adults at their level. My daughters talk to me, not their mom. When their mom got a boyfriend, they were angry, and lashed out toward him. They told me it was because he was the wedge that kept their goal of their mom and I reconciling. Although their mom and I knew their was not way of that happening, our kids had other plans.
Your son needs to know that you are not replacing him and that he is still the important young man in your life. Reiterate that you're not seeking to make someone his father, but having a friend should be welcome. My girls don't mind it as much now. They know he's not their father, but he is someone who likes taking them fishing.
Your son, I believe has issues that stem deeper than the guy you are with, it's just that he's being there is on the surface and immediate. Therefore, it'd be what's projected through the anger. I think counseling will be beneficial.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Your son needs help. I would start with Anger Management. HOW can you let him control your life like that? HOW can you let him punch you? Do you even consider WHAT you are teaching you son about relationships?
YOU are the parent - BE the parent now! Before it's to late.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (14 September 2010):
 Not to sound like I'm oversimplifying this but:
YOU ARE THE PARENT!
What would your mother or father have done if you acted this way to them? He's only doing this because you are letting him. You don't need to be his friend, it's okay for him to be mad at you. You are doing what is best for HIM.
Obviously it's the lack of his father that is causing this. Either he doesn't want another man to replace his father or it's simply because he doesn't have a father to put him in his place. That falls to you. He cannot do this. He cannot punch you. It's not a negotiation, it's MANDATORY.
How to enforce it? How to make him do it? That falls to you, you know your son better than anyone. Either he does what you tell him or you've completely lost control of your household and HE runs it. Does he run your household, or do you?
I don't mean to come off as angry, but this is the number one issue facing parents who have children who are out of control. Your child isn't an adult. He's 13. You can try discussing things first, but at some point you have to just step in and say that you are the parent. He doesn't get a choice in the matter.
If you continue to let him dictate how you live your life it will never stop. It will only get worse and your son will be worse for it.
You are the parent. Period.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (14 September 2010):
 I'm sorry to break it to you, but your son is only thirteen. If you allow him to punch you in the face, only to have your boyfriend walking around in the house naked a few days later, it sounds like you are the one who needs help.
Your kid is basically suffering because of your lack of disciplinary skills, as well as your rather immature methods of dating. I mean, sneaking your boyfriend in after your son is asleep? Sounds like something he would be doing at HIS age. I think you need to put the relationships on hold for a while and focus back on your son's issues. If I ever punched my mother in the face, I know for sure the next hit would be me hitting the floor. Thirteen year old boys aren't 'abusive scumbags'. They are young kids, with obviously something messed up in their life. You need to figure that out and act like his mother, not his older sister. Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): No - your son doesn't need 'serious psyochological help' he needs his momma to kick his lilly ass!
This is a 13 year old by we're talking about. If you cannot make him respect you as the adult authority in your home, then he has no chance as an adult to respect any sort of authority. Lay down the law.
Back it up with a cattle prod if you have to!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (14 September 2010):
Your son needs serious psychological help, now. This is totally beyond any kind of normal behaviour, and he needs serious help. Other than that, there is nothing you can do. He needs help that is beyond you. And if you don't get the help for him, or allow him to continue like this, you'll never again be able to have a relationship with anyone because of your son. Your son needs to understand he doesn't own you. He needs a psychiatrist, not just a counsellor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Your son needs some serious psychological help, how the hell can you let him treat you like this? How have you let it get this far?
Forget about your boyfriend, you're not going to break up with him over this but he will leave you rather than stick around and watch you get abused by your 13 year old.
You have to reign him in and do it now, if he hits you have to call the police on him. He's heading down the road of becoming a serious criminal and if he will hit his own mother then what do you think he will do to other women.
He's an asshole and you're letting him get away with it. You have to sort this out now or you're going to be speaking to him from the other side of prison bars. Seriously if you want him to have any kind of normal life you have to stand up to him and you have to get him help.
You're not protecting him if you let him to continue down this road. He's an abusive scumbag and you have to stop him.
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