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male
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anonymous
writes: I am 39 and been married since 1990. I have two beautiful children whom i adore, and a lifestyle which surpasses my expectations.My problem is that my relationship with my wife is totally unfulfilling for me physically. We have sex approx once a month, her on top, me pinned down and not able or required to show any affection towards her at all. I have had all my self esteem taken from me, and i resent her very strongly for doing this to me. I have suggested various ways of lightening the mood and experimenting, but still get no where. It was so bad a couple of years ago, that i went to relate on my own. She wouldnt come with me.I dont know how much longer i can cope. I feel i have a right to a normal, healthy sex life and feel i can only get this by walking away from everything i truly value in my life. I truly dont know what to do and feel totally isolated.Gas Man
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my ex, self esteem, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2007): I'd say that she has some kind of underlying resentment going on! She sounds angry to me. I am left to do all the childcare, housework and go to work and I feel angry towards my husband. We have no sex life either. I bet that if I told him the reason why, he'd be completely shocked.
Women don't want hearts and flowers....we just want some help with the washing up! I'm exhausted most of the time and I simply can't be bothered anymore.
You need to talk to her. Her issues may be complex. Perhaps she hates her body or is trying to regain some power in the relationship. You need to examine every aspect of your lives together in order to get to the root of the problem.
Mothers don't always enjoy looking after the kids and doing the laundry.
A
female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (10 May 2006):
 Following your earlier reply, I hope this is OK to talk to you via this way.
Your explanation of your situation with your wife seems to be that she has had issues with sex for a very long time and I am amazed that things have jogged along for this length of time without anything being done about it.
I don't think she feels that she has any problem at all with sex and yes you are right her sex drive could well be a lot lower than yours.
Perhaps the sexual act has now become such a routine that this is how she views it and she is not truly experiencing some of the greater benefits that sex can give.
I have never tried it I must admit but I have heard that learning tantric sex (not sure if that is the correct spelling), is extremely eye opening and allows people to feel all new feelings that they have never known before.
Things that have happened in the past are not something to constantly punish yourself about and so you have moved on past that and now the real issues are with your wife.
You have said that you have continually discussed everything with your wife but it still seems quite clear that no one else has been involved i.e. a counsellor. Has your wife ever experienced a sexual violation in any way in her past before she met you? Did she see things as a child that have affected her into her adult life and this has manifested itself into a tolerance of sex rather than enjoyment? Sorry for all the questions but I do think that a sexual counsellor would certainly get to the bottom of this rather than your wife and yourself.
I have to ask though that if your wife knows the effect of you leaving and how your relationship with your children would be if this happened, is living as a miserable man in a home with your wife and children truly fulfilling? Is there any atmosphere are sexual tension in your home as children do pick up on these things and years later come out with - well we knew how bad things were?
The other thing I will end on though is that my relationship with my ex ended last June but thanks for the compliment anyway. Our sex life was good up until my daughter was born and I had post natal depression so 15 years out of almost 20 of good sex was great. He did end up wanting the attention I could not give him but it was out of my control.
I must admit I am much happier right now and concentrating on my little girl. I have fallen for someone new last September but he is a widower so not an easy route to take I must admit!! Mad, yes I must be but we cannot dictate who we fall for eh!
16 years of a relationship that is unfulfilling sexually cannot be easy but you have to weigh up what the rest of your relationship is like and whether you want this to continue as it is. I don't think you do otherwise you would not have come onto this site. Try to persevere with getting your wife into counselling once and for all and stay strong.
We get one shot at life so being a happy dad is much better than being a miserable and unfulfilled one.
Take care and maybe speak to you soon.
BFN
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A
female
reader, prttymtlkitty +, writes (9 May 2006):
 Your wife seems to be asleep at the wheel from some reason. I would think about the root of this emotional distance before approaching her. Pin point where/how it started. Did you or she work long hours or constantly away? Did she or your relationship ever fully recover from her pregnancies on all levels? There are some issues woman have that if not addressed could cause this state and who knows how long its been. So after you get that squared up in your head, then you have to 'wake her up' otherwise in her state she just might let you walk. Your objective is to avoid that drama...I get it. You have kids and don't even want it to remotely go in that direction. Only you will probably really know how to wake her up not some councelor. You know the buttons, so push em. After you get her out of that comfort zone, being able to re-relate to her in the way that you want will flow more naturally.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2006): Hi Gas Man!I have been living with my husband for over 10 years and I have almost the same sex problem that you have. But for me is because he suffers of precocious ejaculation. We have sex once a month, but I am the one that doesn´t want to change on positions, I am always on top. He comes to fast. I have to wait for a long time to be satisfied. I have always been telling him to go to find help, but he doesn´t want to go. On your case, you have to talk to your wife to go to a marriage counselor or other kind of help so maybe she can express herself of what is going on with her. Good Luck! Keep us posted!
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (9 May 2006):
 I agree with the last answer which I marked as excellent. The only thing I can add is that a good sex life is built upon personal intimacy and trust. If your wife does not miss that and doesn't want it, there is nothing you can do. If she will come to counselling with you there is hope, but you may have to push very hard for that. When you suggest it I would frame it along the lines that you feel that your emotional connection has gone and you that the lack of physical connection is a symptom.
Tell her that you miss her - and would like to address the emotional barriers with her. If this leads to a better intimate life then that would be great but your first goal is to regain your relationship. Otherwise she will think it is all about sex and that could be off-putting for her in the first instance.
She will feel that it is not about her as a whole person and there may be resentments on her part that she has not been able to share which are stopping her from feeling loving. If you explain the problem as a sexual one and there is more to it on her side, it will all stop there.
I am always mentioning this website to people, but it is an excellent source of info:
www.victorialehmann.co.uk
Please let us know how you get on.
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A
female
reader, cfliberal +, writes (9 May 2006):
Have you talked with your wife about why she wants sex only once a month in a such a constrained way? Maybe she has issues the two of you need to discuss. Does she work outside the home? Is she primarily responsible for childcare? Does she have health issues? Is she taking care of her own parents or yours? It could be that she is overwhelmed with her responsibilities. Maybe the two of you need to have a talk about the way things are run in the household.If she refuses to talk with you or go to counseling, then you definitely need to go yourself. You can either learn how to live with this or how to get out of it, but you can't change her if she doesn't want to change on her own.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (9 May 2006):
Hi Gas Man,
How much have you talked to your wife about this problem?
I think the fact that you are pinned down whilst having sex with your wife is her dominance over you, I can understand how this must make you feel less masculine during these times.
Have you suggested trying other positions or not or trying to take control mid flow so to speak.
I realise you went to Relate before but they can also put you onto sexual counselling and it sounds like there is a huge need for that right now.
I think by spelling things out to your wife about the fact that things are only going from bad to worse and you are considering ending your relationship completely may make her realise exactly how serious you are about it all.
In my opinion, if it was me I think I would tell her straight that you feel that unless she comes with you to counselling - which is compleletly confidential, there is very little else you can do.
I think she is living in a little world whereby so long as the sex is there at least once a month you will remain happy and content.
How old are your children now?
Did things alter after she had the children?
Some women have a complete adversion to sex due to the fact that they fear another pregnancy or the sex drive is just so non existent due to depression etc that the whole act of sex is no longer enjoyable.
Is the rest of your relationship OK or do you argue a lot or not?
I would hold fire from walking away right now and try once again to get your wife to confront the problems that are in your relationship as I think by expressing to her that you don't want it to come to that there is hope still left for a turn around in your relationship.
If however, you exhaust every thing with her then that is the time to think long and hard.
It is never easy for a relationship to end and where children are involved the impact is enormous. I am not trying to play a guilt trip here at all but try everything else first and continue to try to push for counselling in the first instance and see if she realises how serious you are about everything. Perhaps she considers it all OK and until she realises otherwise, she is going around with rose tinted glasses on.
You can always chat to any one of the agony aunts/uncles so never feel alone OK.
Best of luck and stay strong and positive as you have come on this site to seek help so it aint over till it's over eh!
Hope the above helps at least a little.
BFN
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