A
male
age
30-35,
*eadman
writes:Dear cupid,i am a 19yr old guy, pursuing engineering.i have this strange dis-order of social illness.I have very few friends and i want to remain in their zone only, people don't like me because of my this introvert nature. I cannot mark my presence in social gatherings or in college with mass.I only like being lonely and its really hard for me to get rid over my comfort zone and mix-up with others and make an impression on them.Its been six months I've been to college but I'd hardly made 4-5 friends and above all 0 FEMALE FRIENDS , i really don't know why i cant initiate any friendship with girls so easily like other boys in my class does.because of all these emptiness, i developed my own way of escaping from it - Masturbation. It is not that i started it from few months but this problem is from my school time and i don't remember the exact time when did i started doing this(at least 4-5 years), i love giving pleasure to myself, and slowly got addicted to this as well.but someway down in my heart there s a guilt, after every time i do this, i feel its not good and that makes me depressed..but each time i tried eloping from it i failed..sumtime for a week or two or utmost a month but after that i drown back in this act...i discoverd tht it will remain with me forever, so i started living wth it, with a heavy heart and pain of guilt...my career is on verge of a end b'fore even it started..i feel so fucked up... dont know what to do...why i am like this??why??
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (29 January 2011):
Hi. You're very welcome.
Please let us know how you go and please re-read all the answers written here a couple of times, and each time you read them, you might see more meaning there, than you did previously. This could further help you.
You can do it - become good at meeting and talking to girls - and then no longer have the need for your emotional support system (the masturbation).
Just believe in yourself. Best wishes.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 Hi, it looks like Dorothy has given you some very helpful advice. I only want to add that I think you might want to google "Asperger's Syndrome" and see if there isn't information out there that could be helpful to you. It could perhaps explain your "social illness" and your introverted state a bit. This is purely guesswork on my part and there's no judgement or condemnation intended or implied.
Hope this helps and good luck with school and making friends.
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A
male
reader, deadman +, writes (28 January 2011):
deadman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks all for advice..i really appreciate and will try n change myself accordingly...luv to share abt changes if any
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 January 2011):
Hello again. The habit of you masturbating all the time is just a case of it's your drug to make yourself feel better about life and feel good about you.
For some people it's alcohol; yet others again - it's recreational drugs; others it's gambling; for you, you have made masturbating your habit. It soothes you and you feel relaxed after. That's the payoff - you feel relaxed. So therefore you don't have any worries then. It dissolves all your cares.
Like every other habit, it can be broken by consciously doing something else. Go for a walk instead - walking is also very relaxing and it's also good for the mind.
A habit is after all, something which is done at an almost unconscious level - what is often referred to as being on "Auto Pilot". You do it with practically no forethought. You choose to do it - rather than do something else.
There is nothing wrong in the habit of masturbation, just as long as it isn't getting in the way of your general happiness. As it does seem to be an issue for you, well then it needs to be done less often.
Whenever you get the urge to masturbate, you need to distract yourself from the urge by doing something else completely different, so you gradually get out of the habit. All habits can be broken.
As you say you do this to escape thoughts of the difficulty you have in making friends, if you start meeting and talking to people and get good at it, there will no longer be a need for your emotional support system - the masturbation habit.
If you remove the problem, you therefore remove the need for the habit that compensates for it. There will no longer be the need for it.
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A
male
reader, deadman +, writes (28 January 2011):
deadman is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanx mam, but you didnt touch my biggest problem which i specified..tht ill habit which clutched me....also, i can start being friend and conversations with males but when it is with a female thats where i let down..
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A
female
reader, melomat  +, writes (28 January 2011):
 I'm married to a guy like you and i'm not enjoying the marriage at all. If you were to get a female friend your friendship wouldn't last because of the person you're holding on to. There's nothing hard about sparking conversation. The lives we live are too busy for people to stop and judge you. Start small chat with the dudes in your class when you feel slightly confident then with the girls but don't expect much because then you'll disappoint yourself. You cannot have a good relationship with a girl until you sort yourself out it will only make the both of you miserable
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A
female
reader, Berrysweet +, writes (28 January 2011):
These days you can meet so many people online but I agree with Dorthy you can meet people out in the open in crowded places. Since you are in college pursing engineering I would go to mixers or join a club in your field. You have something in common and people will talk you. From there you can do more social things together. When I go to the gym to work out I always talk to someone when I am in the sauna or jacuzzi. Join some meetup groups www.meetup.com. There is always a way to meet people and get to know people. You have to make yourself get out there. I approached my boyfriend so there are women that will come up to you.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (28 January 2011):
Hi there. Your biggest fear might be what to talk about. The answer to that is - anything at all! The weather, the news, hobbies and interests, music, movies, books. There's no right or wrong way to go about conversing with people.
The not making friends easily is not so much of the problem for you, as your anxiety towards it. Without the anxiety, the problem ceases to exist. The anxiety takes on a life of it's own, as it has done with you. The more you worry, the worse it gets.
It's basic shyness and nothing more really. Most people feel a bit of shyness when they don't know other people in a room full of strangers. This is perfectly normal.
If you are at a party of other social gathering, there is usually a table where you can pick at finger food, so you can go over to the table and if someone else is there, you could casually comment about the food. Most people would do exactly that. It's an easy opening for conversation.
Don't feel too concerned about it, if some people only comment quickly and then walk off. It happens to us all. Try it with someone else. We obviously can't "just click" with everyone on the planet - it's not possible. With some people, the conversation will naturally flow from one thing to another and you find you can talk for hours and hours and really enjoy it.
In fact whatever you are doing or wherever you are at any given moment, you can strike up a conversation with absolutely anyone who happens to be standing close to you. But of course, you can usually see whether that person looks like they would speak or want to speak, or are just deep in their own thoughts.
You can usually sense this pretty easily. Like if someone is close to you and you happen to look in each other's direction and one of you smiles. That's a positive sign.
Situations such as standing at a bus stop or on a railway station waiting for a train. There's lots of people standing around doing nothing. Some will be reading books, magazines or newspapers - so you wouldn't approach them, because they are already occupied. But a vast number of people will be just standing by themselves, obviously just waiting for the bus or train to arrive.
Situations where you can get talking to complete strangers are:-
(1) The supermarket aisles.
(2) The supermarket checkout.
(3) Bus stop.
(4) Railway station.
(5) Queue at the bank.
(6) Queue at the post office.
(7) At traffic lights, waiting to cross the road.
In fact, anywhere at all. Parties and social gatherings aren't the only way of talking to and meeting people.
Most people meet in everyday situations, nothing in particular at all.
One thing you might also be doing when you are out socially, is looking tense and closed minded - arms folded, standing slouched and looking unapproachable as a result. When people who worry about how they come across to others, they tend to get an anxious look on their face which can look like you are angry.
This makes others avoid you, as they might be afraid of you being agressive and argumentative. Even though that's probably not who you are, you will look that way to others, nevertheless.
So don't worry about being shy, just relax and be yourself and don't forget your sense of humour and to have fun.
Life is too short.
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