A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I've been married 8 years, no kids. I'm in my late 40s, my wife just over 50. We knew each other for a few years before we got together romantically. It was sexy and exiting at first and I remember thinking at last here was the girl who had everything. Anyway we got engaged and married very quickly in hindsight, without even living together first. But before we even got married, she started going off sex. In all my previous relationships sex had got if anything better as time went on, so I didn't worry about it too much at first, even when it got worse. Our first row was about this in fact (we don't have rows generally) but in the end we agreed to take things easy, be more understanding etc etc. I thought, she's tired, she's stressed, there's plenty of time and in any case we had a wedding to plan...Anyway here we are, 8 years of increasing frustration later, and we just don't have sex at all, in fact the idea of it feels almost weird. I feel like I live with my sister or something (I don't have a sister). We've been to counselling together and although we get on better than ever in other ways (she's a sweet person, we support each other in a lot of ways, we like the same movies etc, we hug and cuddle), she's said she just doesn't have the urge, sorry.Meanwhile... before I ever went out with my wife I fell totally in love with another woman, who was married. That didn't (couldn't) go anywhere but we've always stayed in touch as friends, and I thought I was over her a long time ago. Then two years ago her husband left her, and when I heard about it I knew I'd made a terrible mistake in settling for someone else. Still nothing much happened although I admit I did flirt with her a bit, and on one occasion we kissed. (Probably a mistake - it all came flooding back to me, I floated for days, generally overreacted like a complete idiot, she stopped replying to my messages.) Then on Christmas Day, 18 months since we'd last spoken apart from the occasional birthday greeting, I texted her to say Happy Christmas, she replied you too, must meet up some time, I said you're all talk, she said "I bloody love you, stop complaining." The world stopped turning. (You must have noticed? That's what it was.) I guess she said more than she meant to. Anyway nothing's going to happen there (she later said she wouldn't get involved with a married guy) but I could hardly sleep for weeks, I just kept (and keep) thinking how I could get out of this marriage that is safe and secure but so completely frustrating and not at all what I wanted, without destroying my sweet wife who loves me, not to mention my home, the price of property and the fact that my wife hasn't got a job, and how I would have to move out and rent a bedsit or something while paying the mortgage and two sets of bills (just to give you an idea of what keeps going around my head at 4am).Anyway the point is I keep thinking of what might have been or even just maybe could be if I broke up with my wife, who knows nothing about this, but it just seems impossible, and I guess you could say it could be worse - I have love and companionship and a cosy home, moving out might be a disaster, I should count my blessings and maybe pay for sex on the quiet. In any case, I'm nearly 50 - will I still be this frustrated at 60? 70? I mean I could be risking everything for a few years in a sexual relationship, assuming I can even find one (I'm not counting on the other woman to drop everything for - I've not asked her what she'd do and I wouldn't put her in a difficult position by asking).So anyway is this all a midlife crisis? Just a phase that everyone goes through, and do they somehow come out the other side happy again? Or has my marriage really been a terrible mistake and do I just maybe have a slim chance to get out and avoid being miserable for the rest of my life? Well, I guess an element of lasting misery is pretty much unavoidable at this stage, it's all about misery limitation. I find myself hating rom-coms where young attractive people with their lives ahead of them end up in love and together, I look at porn even though it makes me even more frustrated, I'm bitter and envious of everyone on the planet with a sex life, and quite often I find myself wanting to cry for no specific reason (I don't of course, I'm a guy).Sorry, not sure that's much of a question, and it's too long. What is everyone's take on this mess anyway?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, goodbutnotgifted  +, writes (27 January 2007):
 I am concerned that your wife may have a medical issue. Not to get too personal but has she gone thru the change? If not she may need to see her doctor. If she has then she should still see her doctor there are lots of ways he or she can help. They do have viagra for women. It is common for women to lose some of there sex drive but not all of it! If she is taking hormones they are probably not being administered right. Or need adjusting. I believe love is worth the time and effort. Sex is definately a must for a great relationship. Perhaps a sex therapist would help. As far as the other woman your only focusing on her cause at this point you'll take what you can get. Understandable. I hope you and your wife have open and honest communication so you can work it out. Tell her how you feel, how important it is to you. But have respect enough to talk to her first before you jump in with someone else. As your wife she deserves that. Good luck and peace be with you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies guys. I was ready for a chorus of disapproval so it's been good to see some confirmation that I'm not being completely unreasonable.As for whether I love my wife, well I love her like a sister. I've heard of people being in love with their wives or husbands and I don't think that's what I feel. I would think it should involve some sexual spark, which I'm afraid just isn't there, ever, perhaps on my side now as much as hers after all this time. So I guess I don't. In any case I really don't see an agreement to have sex n times per month ever working out. Currently every 6 months or so she'll get sufficiently in the mood to lie back and think of England, which is so not what I need that I'd rather not bother even if it was once a week.Regarding counselling, we have tried that. The counsellor suggested a few things but really if my wife just plain doesn't feel like it, it's very hard to see anything working. And as I mentioned, it feels a bit creepy to even try to get someone to feel sexy (by putting on a movie or something, say) when that is not what they are into. Yes we should go back to the counsellor though, perhaps I can somehow bring up something of what I'm feeling.
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A
female
reader, Millyella  +, writes (26 January 2007):
 I really feel for you. Sexual intimacy is a normal part of a good, healthy marriage. You are not awful to want and expect this. I am surprised that your wife has not done more from her side to investigate why she feels this way about sex. A loving partner would want to improve things for their mate.
This other lady is just a symptom of your problem, not the problem itself. A relationship might or might not work out between you two. But you are suffering in your marriage right now, and you have to explain to your wife that you consider sexual intimacy non-negotiable. You would like her to want intimacy with you, the same way that you want intimacy with her. This is not a ridiculous thing to expect from your wife! The usual excuses of tiredness don't apply; there are no children and your wife doesn't work outside the home.
If you want to save your marriage, i suggest that you insist on counselling for both of you. Intimacy is too important in a marriage to just settle for none. If your wife refuses counselling, well then i think you have your answer. You are more willing to work on it than her.
Just a thought: perhaps you have been TOO understanding up until now? If you explain that intimacy is a deal-breaker for you, maybe your wife will start to see things from your perspective and work on this with you.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2007): A marriage is obviously a partnership, and a partnership should be treated respectfully. When we choose to partner for life, it is under the assumption that both people will give as much as possible to make sure the other is happy and satisfied. It can be beautiful, romantic, and also quite monotonous if you begin to settle in and let things happen. Sex, love, and passion are very important to many people. It sounds as though your wife simply doesn't need that to be happy. While this is perfectly fine for her, you are not experiencing the benefit of intimacy in a loving relationship. I would talk to your wife. It sounds as though you are comfortable with one another, and honesty with ourselves and the ones we love is what keeps us balanced. Tell her how you feel, what your needs are, and even that you've been questioning the durability of your marriage. There actually needs to be upset to shake things up and really get to know the stress of the situation for yourself and her. By really talking it out, you will ultimately know how important it is to you, and thus what to do.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (25 January 2007):
 What it comes down to in a nutshell is this. Do you love your wife? If the answer is yes then I don't think it's worth risking everything for sex. If the answer is no then you have a whole new set of problems. The important thing to do here is imagine how you'd feel situations reversed. Would you honestly be happy if she was having sex with random men to satisfy her libido? However to be honest it sounds like you should both compromise here. She should have sex with you a minimum of X times a month and you should accept a little less than you maybe would want. Compromise is key to making any marriage work and I'm sure that with a little communication you can sort things out.
CD
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A
female
reader, Daysie +, writes (25 January 2007):
 Don't take this the wrong way, but life is short, don't waste your life wishing things were different, you have to bite the bullet and make things happen! Don't make the mistake of wasting your time with a woman who is unable to make you feel complete. You are still relatively young LOL, sex is important, it's the intimacy that bonds two people together in a loving relationship. Having fun, doing spontaneous things, having adventures to look forward to, having your partner as your lover and best mate is wonderful. We all have problems in relationships, we have three options (a) try to change/adapt self or other person (b) do nothing at all, not really an option or (c) accept things will always be the and move on. It is very scary making changes and sacrifices, yes and at 'our' time of life, being happy and content is important, but we cannot rely on other people to provide us with the happiness and excitement we sometimes crave. If you have a sexual relationship with another woman behind your wifes back, eventually that will ruin everything. Be brave and tell your wife you are not happy and you want to move out or you want her to go...simple, sell your house, split the equity, I presume your wife is capable of working...she would if she had to...
She could be having the same thoughts as you, what is going on in HER life, could she be cheating on you, what is the real reason for her going off sex, there must be one. If she truly loves you she will respond by doing everything in her power to change and become the woman you desire. If it's too late to improve your relationship that will become apparent too. Do not reach 60 or 70 sitting in your rocking chair with regrets about how much better your life could have been...if only...
Email me if I can be of further assistance.
GOOD LUCK!
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