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writes: Hii have a problem,my wife is fat she has put on weight,I requested, advised her to decrease her weight, but she not taking any step to do it,due to this i am annoyed how shall i tell her that i am not able to manage my sexual intercourse, i don't know how to tell, i had stopped sleeping with her since 3 days, she needs sex but i make reasons and don't let her come near me i tell her i am not feeling well etc, give her lame excuses, but now she has gone to her mothers place and complained about me to her mother that i am impotent, but i am not impotent, please help me out from this situation, how shall i bring her back to my home Reply to this Question
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female
reader, citadel  +, writes (8 October 2013):
Ok, Have read your past posts. I have very good news.
You two are going to be just fine.
When women get fat so does the inside of their vaginal walls.
And by what you say about the size of your penis.
You guys are now a match.
However, I would caution you about her verbal or physical abuse. But then again, you can get even.
It's all good.
And most here would be jealous to know you were both so upset over missing sex for 3 days. I thought it was a error and was meant to say 3 months. Gee, 3 days, you guys have it made, go out for dinner and then go home to feast.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (7 October 2013):
 I decide to look at your posting history spanning from 2009. Please don't be embarrassed. There is something wrong with your wife. Turns out this is a bigger problem than just a woman getting fat.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): You would be doing her a favor if you dumped her. If all you can see is a couple of extra pounds.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (6 October 2013):
 People's metabolisms run at different rates. Medical issues can slow or speed that metabolism. Men's typically run much higher than women's, partially due to natural muscle mass. Thyroid issues, birth control, medication such as steroids or anti-depressants, some medical conditions can have weight gain side effects.
A lot of weight gain is due to lifestyle choices or lack of choices, but to pass it all off as a lifestyle choice to be reviled is not fair. Not everyone who battles weight is a slob who hangs out on the couch and guzzles beer and eats Doritos off of their chest until the family sized bag is empty.
Even thin people with metabolisms that are ultra-fast can benefit from wellness. For the anonymous poster who said that the aggrieved spouse shouldn't have to "help" the overweight one, I couldn't disagree more. Say she's looking to lose weight, and the spouse is eating ice cream, or chips, or asking for fattening dinner to be cooked, or demanding Mountain Dew instead of water or V8. It's easier for an overweight spouse to diet if both partners are in it together. For all of the smokers out there, is it easier to quit when your spouse puts them away as well, or is there no moral responsibility to not light up right next to the person trying with all of their might to quit? Same with eating. Say the spouse has a food addiction - last thing you want to do is trigger the overeating. Get rid of the easy snacking foods, replace with fat free substitutes and lots of veggies. The OP said nothing about the wife "refusing" to lose weight. What about the other behaviors that can cause weight gain, like not eating breakfast or staying up too late at night or not getting enough sleep?
It took years to put it on. It'll take a long time to pull it off. There's also a psychological aspect in weight gain as well when it's based on food addiction -- many people eat when they are not happy, using food to self-soothe. They must learn better ways to do so, and one way is to become closer as a couple.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): It will be alright. She'll come home. Sometimes you don't know what you've got until it's gone. She sounds like a smart woman, if you ask me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am glad that you all gave me good advices, now i need her back,her age is 28 and mine is 32 today is 5th day she is not here i am feeling alone. she is not picking up her cell phone.i also tried to speak to my in laws, they told me she will come in a week, their response is positive but she is not willing to speak to me i regret for what i have done
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): I wish people would realize that:1. You can love someone from the bottom of your heart to where you would give your life for them and YET not feel any sexual attraction to them. Think about your parents, siblings etc.2. Married people are supposed to only have sex with their spouses. Therefore maintaining sexual chemistry is important to a marital relationship. It is what sets that relationship apart from other fakoly members. Therefore, not gaining a ton of weight is something spouses are obligated to do to maintain their marriage IF the other spouse is turned off by obesity. 3. It is unfair to expect someone to feel sexuallly attracted to you no matter what. Love does not equate sexual attraction. Just because your spouse may have stopped finding you sexually attractive doesn't mean they don't love you anymore or that they don't appreciate you. They can, and just simply not be sexually aroused. It does no good to berate someone for simply not finding another person sexually attractive. What if your own partner changed to where they decided not to brush their teeth or shower or shave anymore. Maybe they just converted to a religion that forbade it. Would you find them sexually attractive still? No? How shallow of you! They have a right to not brush their teeth of they don't want to for religious reasons, right?4. Obesity is different from other physical changes one might encounter such as losing hair or getting scarred in an accident. We instinctively subconsciously link in our minds obesity with many other lifestyle issues and choices I.e. it is a reflection on a person's CURRENT lifestyle choices and thus who they are. Getting scarred in an accident is not. That's why obesity is a turn off for many people who are not themselves obese. It just points to deep seated incompatibilities in lifestyle choices and values.5. All of you who berate the OP. Are you saying that people should force themselves to have sex despite feelings of disgust or revulsion? The wife changed the nature of the relarionship by gaining a lot of weight. How much is "a lot"? Well clearly it is enough that the OP can't even bring himself to have sex with her. Most normal people can maintain their sexual attraction to someone within some amount of variation. So if the OP now feels utter disgust and revulsion PHYSICALLY (even though he may still love her as a person) which is more realistically likely - that the wife gained a ton of weight thereby drastically changing the sexual aspect of the relationship, or that the OP is abnormal and cannot even tolerate his wife gaining 5 lbs?6. Why must the OP "help" his wife to lose weight? Why is it his job to maintain her health for her if she refuses? Why doesn't anyone tell the wife that she has a obligation to maintain her body to at least some reasonable degree if she expects her husband to continue to feel attracted sexually to her (and again, love does not equal sexual attraction). What if she decided she didn't want to wash her hair or brush her teeth anymore too? Yes losing weight is difficult. It is not impossible. And I am willing to bet the OP doesn't "need" his wife to be skinny as a bean pole to feel sexually attracted again, just not excessively overweight is all. Why is that too much to ask? If you insist the OP should find his wife attractive, can you explain exactly how he is to turn his feeling of physical disgust into one of physical desire? Or are you saying ie should just grit his teeth, dissociate his mind, and have sex with the lights off?7. Why does everyone assume the wife is fat "for good reasons" like because she is sacrificing herself in other ways for the OP and family? Lots of people sacrifice their time and energy raising kids and taking care of the house and breadwinning and being active in their community helping others tok and do not get or stay fat. Don't you think the OP is also doing his share in working his hind end off for his family? What makes you think he doesn't appreciate his wife's efforts and sacrifice? Just because he was honest in saying he does not find obesity sexually attractive?8. The OP did not state how much weight his wife gained. Why does everyone assume she only gained a few pounds? Would your adivce to him change if she had gained over 200 lbs? Would you still call him shallow for not feeling physically attracted then even though obviously he loves her because he wants the relationship to go back to better days? A man who doesn't love his wife would walk out on her or have an affair. He isn't doing that. Yet you call him shallow because he is so distressed he can no longer feel a sexual arousal toward his wife.Again to all you who are being judmental on the OP. Please imagine your spouse or significant other whom you no doubt feel a strong sexual attraction to. Now imagine they gained 300 lbs of pure fat. Yes that's right 300 lbs. Imagine they look like Jabba the Hut. Can you HONESTLY say you would get sexually aroused at the sight of them now? But they are still the same sweet kind caring person you know. They just happen to be 300lbs overweight and staying that way. Ok so those of you who are honest...maybe you will admit that 300 lbs is really extreme obesity and you still love them dearly but just cant get a hard on (for guys) or get wet down there (for women) when you see them. OK so what if your partner gained only an extra 200 lbs of fat. Would you find them sexually hot? What about 100lbs? What makes it OK for you to admit you may not find your partner sexually arousing anymore if they were to gain 300 lb yet judge the OP for his honesty admitting he isn't sexually attracted to his wife's weight gain which he did not state how much it was. Is there a cut off weight for which someone is allowed to admit that they would no longer find their partner physically attractive and not be judged? Clearly that's ridiculous. It is all relative isn't it. In that case why not respect the OP's honest feelings that he just doesn't find his wife physically attractive now due to her weight gain? Berating him for that feeling isn't helping. Telling him he shouldn't feel that way wont help him not to (remember imagine if your own partner gained 300 lb).
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female
reader, YouWish +, writes (6 October 2013):
Let me ask you this - if your hairline started receding and a chronic illness like exczema messed up your skin, would you want her to coldly tell you that you're not attractive while making up reasons why she doesn't want to be in the same room with you, or would you rather her helping you find a good doctor to clear up the conditions and show her love and support for you? What if you developed cancer, started taking prednisone, and blew up like a balloon? What kind of treatment would you have her show her husband?
I understand that her weight gain has caused you to be less attractive to you. You can't help that. But you *can* help how you treat her, and how you're treating her, with your avoiding her and cold callous way of faulting her is deplorable. She's your wife who has invested her life into you and your kids if you have them, so she doesn't need cold, callous judgment. Did you ever think that it's possible she let herself go because she stopped loving you? Did you ever think that maybe it's medical? If a woman has kids or takes birth control or anti-depressants, weight gain is a medical side effect. Add to that a really busy day if you have kids, and her spending two or three hours per day at a gym would have you feeling pretty neglected.
Do you not have a home gym? When was the last time you went on a walk with her? To the mall, or around the town, or sightseeing? Do you exercise with her too, or do you just go off on your own and make it your "me" time, leaving her alone at home?
Women do not have the metabolism men do, so it's more of an uphill battle when there's weight gain. If you're wanting her to lose, you better prepare to lose your comfort foods and alcohol as well. A healthy lifestyle is an undertaking for both partners to fully invest in, because believe it or not, let's say she does take your advice, drops a bunch of weight, sees a dietician, changes her lifestyle into a much more active one, starts looking really hot, starts making new friends, and then all of a sudden, your marriage disintegrates in front of you when she leaves you in the dust. It happens! Your desire isn't the entirety of your marriage. It's important, but it's not everything.
When one partner changes themselves, unless the marriage was strong to begin with, and there's mutual change and support, her losing weight will crush you and your marriage. It's a phenomenon seen in gastric bypass, extreme weight loss, and similar things. You'll find your life as you know it over, and she's feeling *alive*, and that feeling is without you. Soon, she'll equate you with despair and emotional enprisonment due to your treatment and neglect of her. She'll shed her pounds, shed her unhappiness, and shed *you*.
So if you love her, you'll change *with* her. You'll flood her with emotional support and love, invest in healthy living, take out the junk food for both of you, and be her partner in fitness and wellness as well. Everyone knows that fitness goes better with an accountability partner, and I'm guessing that you haven't arrived fitness-speaking as well, unless you're a professional athlete or bodybuilder.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): how about finding FUN things to do like walking, hiking ,running,bicycling, tennis, etc?also you did not say age? might be menopause, could be thyroid, if she has not changed her normal eating patterns.could be stress eating.or you both could seek counseling.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): You are NOT shallow. We cannot help feeling repulsed or attracted. If obesity repulses you it is a natural instinct you cannot change it. She has more control over her weight than you have over your instincts.When women write here feeling loss of attraction to their men who have gained weight people don't call them shallow as much.You need to be honest with her. Don't lie about vein too tired for sex. Be honest that with her weight gain you have a hard time feeling aroused. You have to word it carefully but be honest. She will feel hurt there's no way around it. But you have to be honest that's the only way she cam have the information to decide if she wants to take action to help repair the relationship since she has more control over her weight than you do over your lack of arousal. People avoid this awkward and uncomfortable situation and so the obesity and lack of arousal persists. I avoided it for over 10 years with my husband. It does not go away by itself no amount of hinting and "lets to on a diet and exercise plan TOGETHER! Why? No reason...." will work. Don't be coy and manipulative in trying to get her to doer and exercise without telling her the reason why. Honesty is the best policy even if he truth hurts.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2013): You were a bit unkind to your wife. You insulted her weight as well as rejected her for sex.She left to teach you a lesson. She knows you aren't impotent, but she is spreading that rumor to get you back for avoiding sex; and for insulting her about her weight.You know that losing weight takes time and it isn't easy. You also know that women gain weight after childbirth and as they age.Do you have a plan to help her lose weight? How long were you going to wait before you have sex again? Are you thin, do you have all your hair. Are you as handsome as the day you married your wife?If she isn't getting a lot of exercise; it is because she spends most of her time taking care of you; and if you have children, she spends all her time inside. Maybe she has a job, so she doesn't get to the gym or workout.She isn't going to keep her girlish figure all her life.You might go bald, get a pot-belly, or get fat yourself.Sometimes women get turned off by fat men too.You made her feel ashamed of her body and she left to let you sit home alone and think about it. How does it feel to cook your own food and keep house? Now you're all alone. Now you see what life is like without her. Maybe you'll treat her better and appreciate her more. Fat and all.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): Jesus! If you truly love her weight or anything else shouldnt matter! You do know the body changes as one gets older & once a woman has a baby she holds onto excess weight as her body is gearing up for the next child! Youre supposed to make her feel confident! Workout together! :) Change your diets you need to support her! Give her a break! Shes obviously comfortable in the relationship and didn't realise it would be an issue for you,talk to her.
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female
reader, banditsmom1124 +, writes (5 October 2013):
 maybe you could both go on a diet together...its alot easier to stick to a diet and exercise plan if you do it together.
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female
reader, Ladyhopeful  +, writes (5 October 2013):
I'm sorry but I can't help thinking you are being a little shallow here. You fell in love with her, and you married her, warts and all.
But if its such a big deal to you, maybe you could suggest excerise as a couple, make it fun and enjoyable. make it about spending time together, not just losing weight. But you will also need to reassure her that you love her regardless.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2013): tell her how you feel... see if she would take the time out to do whats needed for herself first ...like eating less,, healthier..trying to work out.. not to please you,, but her her health awareness.. seems to me you are attracted to the physical instead of her mental...remember sex is a mind thing,, shouldnt you be able to make love to her? and not her body image?If you tell her how you feel .. she would probaly feel bad.. tell her in a way where it wouldnt sound so hurtful..and take it from there ..
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male
reader, Stoney1215 +, writes (5 October 2013):
First thing is if you love and care about and respect your wife you need to be honest with her and tell her what the problem is.
Second do not beat yourself up for feeling this way. Although she may be the same person you married she is not the same physically. Honestly if she looked that way before you would not have been with her to begin with. Peoples bodies change as they age. You owe it to your wife to talk to her about your problems and help her try to fix it. If she does not feel she owes her husband the effort to fix his problem you have a bigger problem then her weight gain.
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female
reader, like I see it +, writes (5 October 2013):
 You said you've been making excuses as to why you won't sleep with her, but it doesn't sound like you ever actually explained to her point blank that her weight is what's caused you to lose interest.Ordinarily I would say start by doing that (it's not kind, but it may be the wake-up call she needs, as in addition to making her sexually unappealing to you, being severely overweight can be very detrimental to her health.)But in your case she's already left the house, and wounding her pride is not likely to help bring her back to you.I don't think there is anything you can do to MAKE her come back but I would imagine that she as a grown woman will eventually get tired of living at her mother's while her own household sits unattended. Let her come back to you, and let things calm down for at least a week or so after she does before bringing up the subject of her weight, which is bound to be sensitive to her.I do think you eventually need to be direct with her about it, though. It's not shallow of you. We can't help what attracts us and if you enjoyed sex with fat women you would have sought one out and married one. Some weight gain is natural as women age, but nothing so drastic that you literally can't bring yourself to have sex with her. You may get people telling you to accept her as she is, but I don't think that's fair to you and *your* needs.Good luck and best wishes.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 October 2013):
Your wife is the same person you married when she was still slim. She did not gain 30 pounds overnight. Weight gain is gradual and most women get fatter after having kids. You know you are not impotent if you get turned on by other women. 3 days is not a lot and I am sure 3 days ago her weight was the same as it is now. It's extreme for her to feel that she has to go to her mother's place because of 3 days of no sex. Your comment about her weight gain has caused her to be insecure so she is blaming it on your penis.
It's true that sex does not stop just because a woman gained weight but her leaving is manipulative. She's punishing you for sharing your thoughts.
Also losing weight is not as simple as just saying the words losing weight and keep it off forever. Sometimes it has to do with genetics. What I care about is health. Body shape you can't help much.
I eat half of what I did in my 20's but my weight is not going away. I also exercise more now. I have as much muscle as fat.
It would help to know how fat she exactly is so we know what she can do or not do.
You hurt her feelings when you told her the reason why you can't get it up is because she got fat. Both of you need to chill. It's just 3 days. Married couples struggle to find passion with each other. When you see each other day in and day out it's hard to recapture that first moment when you were still in that honeymoon period.
I am not sure how you bring her back. She left so she should be the one to come back to you. I did think she overreacted by leaving.
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