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age
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writes: I really need some help right now, so hopefully someone can turn me in the right direction. First I should start out by saying that I just turned 20 but since I live with my parents I have to follow their rules.Okay, so I have always been a good girl. By this I mean I always followed the rules and because of this my parents trust me a lot. Well they are very against talking to strangers online. They are so against this that we didn't get internet until I was 18 because they don't trust it at all. I met this guy on a site kind of like this one 2 years ago. I asked a question and he private messaged me to help me, and then we just never stopped talking. Every day we talk, and we video call sometimes too. But my parents don't know about him. Sometimes my mom asks if I talk to strangers online and I lie and tell her no. I have been doing this for 2 years now and it is really eating me away. I don't know what to do now. I hate lying to my parents but I really think I love him. I need to know what I should do now. Should I wait till I move out to tell my parents I lied to them for years and possibly cut ties with them forever? Or should I stop talking to this guy who I am in love with and cut ties with him foreverOr alternatively he and I could lie to them about how we met which would still be lying and it would honestly tear me apart?I'm so lost right now. I don't know what to do.Please someone help me :(
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2016): I forgot to add that just saying to the guy "you can meet me and my dad sometime " is not good enough!Because he can go "Ok, that sounds cool" ;-) and then move on to, "but lets talk about you, etc" and you might be thinking, "Oh he really is a genuine lovable guy!" and then he sneaks into the conversation a few days later "Got tickets for your favourite band/football team /vouchers for dress shop/techie shop etc meet me 5pm at random place/station /airport" and you might think its ok, but it isnt ok!He has to actually meet your dad and speak to him.You see if he's a weirdo, lying, perverted, kind of freak in his spare time who goes back to wife and kids after he's dropped you off in a ditch, then he won't be able to shake your dads hand and say "hello mr smith, how are you?" cos he'll be running off at the speed of light!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2016): ok you see yourself as a goodgirl who follows the house rules and as a result your parents trust you!ok they didnt get internet till you were 18 but very soon after you got online and made friends with a guy online!Yes he is technically a stranger, as we all are.You're wondering if you have broken the rules where your folks are concerned!I think i need to know if you are in work, or college,or housebound, etc.. In fact i'm wondering about all the other factors in your life such as if you pay your folks rent etc!But that's just house rules, yes..im getting lost myself. this really is not a complicated scenario, so why do we have to be so careful here?Well, you feel a bit guilty and its the guilt factor that makes you open to manipulation and that's the bit that worries me and maybe rings bells in your brain too!If its all so upfront why does he have to be such a secret!Where is the site "much like this?"Is it this site? And if it is let us know your secret contact?Or is it somewhere you could never ever be allowed to share?And if you cant share it with us, then why?The person you are communicating with by video..do you know his real name?Do you know where he lives?Do you know his real age?What does he look like on video chat or skype and do you have his email address and his ordinary address and his ordinary name and place of work and /college!I think you know what i mean!In normal life you automatically know all that, plus you get a knowledge of what a person looks like and its not just a question of techie manipulation of lights and so forth!Is he begging you to get a passport and to meet him abroad?There is a whole lot to knowing someone's intentions and that can be concealed on the net. so if you are sure he is all above board don't be afraid to write it down on a piece of paper!I love ..(internet guy!)But i never met him!So how old is he and is he married and how many other females is he "chatting" to online?Has he asked you to marry him or 'run away' with him or to meet for tea and cake?Young attractive females are very highly sought after by certain kinds of men and they will lie through their teeth to get what they want!The worst sort want to cut you off from your family and disappear you forever leaving nothing but a trail of grief!He might not look like he's got two heads and a tail but so many of the worst don't, or everyone would know what they are like!You could say to mum that you've been a bit secretive and you want to clear the air a bit and you could tell her the truth because if this guy is a con' he really won't want mum to know anything about him at all, so you need to look at it from that perspective.Tell him you'd like him to meet your dad and if he is against the idea you will know he is not genuine!If he is busy hiding behind your guilt then you know he is up to no good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2016): ok your family loves you and they always will!They just don't want to loose you out of their lives, but it happens, but it does not mean it is ok!It causes years of depression for your mom, never knowing if you are alive or not, birthdays and xmas going by with no contact, people looking at them suspiciously thinking they are bad parents while their worst nightmare is that you are lying in a shallow grave in some place where you will never be found, so ditch the idea of dropping your family!?Even if you move out and onwards you can still call home every few weeks and say 'mom i'm alright. hHow are you?'
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (15 August 2016):
 I'm all for LDRs, but you should have met him by now, as you're both adults.
Do you video chat a lot? How old are you both? How many feelings have you discussed with him?
You can't keep lying to your parents and they can't force you to stop talking to him - they could kick you out, though. Personally, I think it would be very unwise to lose your parents over a guy you've never met and have no in-person experiences with.
How careful have you been to make sure this guy is safe and who he says he is? If you've been meticulous enough, they may see you were at least sensible. However, you were old enough to know not to lie and it's grown into a huge web that would make even the most trusting parents reconsider trusting you, as you lied about something that could harm you and put you at risk.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 August 2016):
 I can see why your parents told you to not talk to men online. They wanted to protect you and keep you safe, unfortunately... it backfired as you didn't listen to them and did it anyways.
And THAT makes you even more vulnerable to people who don't have good intentions. Because your parents chose to raise you in a manner where YOU felt sneaking around and lying would be OK, instead of being able to think for yourself, and TALK to your parents.
1. you are 20, so not a little kids. So woman up and talk to your mom.
2. you have known this guy online for 2 years but never met, so you two are basically pen-pals. Why haven't you met up yet?
3. you can't live in a bubble for the rest of your life, it won't keep you safe no matter what your parents think. BUT LYING shouldn't be a go to option. IF the guy online suggest you "just" don't tell them... then he isn't a good guy which... proves your parents right that you are NOT safe online.
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male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (14 August 2016):
I think eventually you will need to tell the truth: everyone is a stranger in the beginning, whether met online or in another way. But until you’ve actually met this guy and found out whether you connect in person, you’re fretting about problems that are much further down the line. Meet in a public place, make your own way there and your own way back and don’t be alone with him: it’s common sense safety when dating. If things work out over time, then you can introduce him to your parents. I think they’re being a bit silly about this preoccupation with chatting online: presumably asking this question on Dear Cupid is against the ‘rules’ too? But good for you for trying to respect their views. But you’re an adult now who can make her own choices and take responsibility for her own decisions. Don’t give up on some-one because it might mean confronting some tricky situations, but equally treat the online world with a healthy degree of caution and make sure you meet people in person before you start planning ahead too much.
I wish you all the very best.
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male
reader, Denizen +, writes (14 August 2016):
 You are 20 years old. It is time for you to find a real boyfriend. Relationships forged on line are only 20 per cent of what a real relationship is. They are also inherently dangerous because it is so easy for a person to mask his identity and intentions.
It is time for you to show your parents that you are an adult. It might mean disagreements. It ultimately might mean you make your own home. However parents never stop loving their children although sometime they can make a stubborn show of tough love.
It is time for you to seize your life and make your decisions for it. You will make mistakes but that is how you learn. Your parents can't protect you forever.
Get some grit in your teeth and say MY LIFE.
PS.
Ditch the online guy unless he lives in your neighbourhood. What's it going to get you? There are enough warnings out there about men waiting for slightly naive females on the net. Being naive can be a beautiful thing, but share it with a real person you can know and touch.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (14 August 2016):
 Whooooooaaaaa! Slow down! You haven't even met this guy yet and you are already in love? It sounds from your post that you have lead a very sheltered life (with your parents doing their best to protect you from the evils of the outside world). All friends start off as strangers so, while I can see why your parents would be cautious about you talking to strangers on line, you would limit your circle of friends to family and school/work friends if you never had any contact with "strangers". And just because they are on line does not make them any different, except that you need to be more careful with them because they are not always who they say they are.You have taken things slowly and carefully with this guy. You have had lots of contact with him. After 2 years, do you not think you should be at least meeting up occasionally? (I say "occasionally" because I don't know how far away he lives.) Just chatting on line is not a true relationship.You are 20 years old. You are now an adult. I appreciate you need to follow your parents' rules if living in their house but sometimes, as adults, we need to make tough choices.I really don't think you need to go to either extreme yet - i.e. losing your parents or losing this guy. You need, firstly I think, to decide what sort of relationship it is you have with this guy and, secondly, find out how he feels about you. You sound quite lonely so perhaps you are hanging all your hopes on this one guy you have managed to make contact with? Do you have other friends?
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