A
female
age
36-40,
*azeleyedjones
writes:I've been with the same guy on and off for two and a half years. Its' a long distance relationship, we live at opposite ends of the country, but we see each other as often as we can. I recently (in the last week) had a miscarraige we didnt know I was pregnant so it came as a huge shock, obviously I've been very upset and emotional about all this. He has also been under a lot of stress at work lately having to take a lower paid job further away. He texted me yesterday and said he has a lot on his plate at the moment and cant deal with this right now so he wants a break. I'm devestated, I love him and haven't told anyone else about this miscarraige so i really need his support right know. I know what he is doing is selfish and I probably don't need someone like him in my life but he is my rock and I feel like I need him to get through this. Please help I dont know where to turn. Should I fight for him as I know this is hard on him too and maybe he just needs to get his head around it or should I just try to move on?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): "he is my rock" Sorry but isn't he the exact opposite of that right now? So he's your rock, but when you really need him he's gone. That makes him more like ice then doesn't it? When things are cool he's solid as rock but turn up the heat and he melts away.
No offence hazeleyedjones but you're in the two worst kinds of relationships with this guy, neither succeed on their own so you've even less of a chance with this guy, buts that the way it happens in movies right? That makes it more romantic. This isn't a movie OP that stuff doesn't work in real life. On/off and ldr? How do you expect him to be there for you in those circumstances. You've been clinging onto this unworkable thing for ages now and suddenly you're shocked because he ditched you when you really needed him?
Sorry but no, you never had stability with this guy because it's on/off, you never get to build any kind of security because it's ldr and what does he do when times are tough? He shuts you out and leaves you hanging. If that was my girlfriend who had a miscarriage I'd take sick leave immediately and go be with her.
You see in real relationships, solid secure relationships our partner is the first one we turn to when things get tough just like you tried to do. In real relationships we're the first one to come to our partners aid, we're there when they need us, we're there to share the good and the bad with them, not just leave them every single time things go bad until things calm down then back to the fun and nookie. When I'm stressed it's my girlfriend that calms me down, when sad it's my girlfriend that holds me and tells me it will be okay. If she needs me everything gets dropped and we're together. She's my partner OP she shares my life, good, bad and indifferent. I wouldn't settle for anything less than that and I've tried in the past, but it never works. On/off = incompatible, ldr is unworkable and love is not worth sacrificing long term happiness for.
The last thing you need right now on top of what you're going through is to fight to save your relationship, that is the last thing that he should have done. He's supposed to make life easier on you OP not worse.
You need to discuss this with someone else, you need to tell your family and/or friends. Part of me thinks you won't because they'll hate them for dumping you like this and they'd be right to hate him for that. He's selfish, he's a coward and he absolutely couldn't give a crap about you. If you fight for this then get used to being left high and dry when you really need him. Although after two years of breaking up all the time I think you're already used to this OP.
I wish you luck, it's going to take you a long time to stop fighting for him and all that time you'll experience heart ache and pain.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): I am so sorry for you. However I can only fully echo what YouWish has described. I really hope you find peace with this whole situation.
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female
reader, Aunty Honest  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 Dear anonymous,
I'm very sorry to hear that you are having such a hard time. I think you do yourself an injustice, most people don't realise how strong they can be until they have to be.
It's awful to be let down at a time when you are suffering and while you feel that this man is your rock, a rock doesn't let you down when you need them the most. As painful as it is, you can't do much if he has chosen to detach himself, and you shouldn't have to. You can only fight on so many fronts and the thing that needs to be taken care of right now is you.
You say you haven't spoken to anyone else about the miscarraige. Might I suggest that you try and do so? You might be suprised how supportive friends or family can be. If you still don't feel comfortable with that, a proffessional may help you work through your emotions and provide the support you need.
Hope things get easier soon.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 First of all, I'm really sorry about your miscarriage. I know that you must be going through a lot, and I'm truly sorry for your loss.
You do not want to fight for him.
You may not understand why I can come to this conclusion, but when you look back in the long run, you'll see that this guy just did you a massive favor.
Here's why:
1. HE got you pregnant in the first place. He should be much more empathetic to you for your miscarriage, because it was his son or daughter.
2. You're hurting, and he only wants to focus on himself and his own career. His "A lot on my plate" boils down to his ego being hit by his "step down" in his job.
3. He broke up with you by text message? He's not a rock. He is a quivering, immature bowl of jelly.
You will not change him. This is not temporary selfishness. This is what he is like when there's adversity. The flowery honeymoon feelings are over, and these crises revealed the ugly person he really is.
You have to disconnect emotionally from him. You had a miscarriage, which can be devastating. He could have been more understanding. Instead, your emotions intruded on his life. Big time deal breaker.
If you feel your life is spiralling out of balance because of your miscarriage, you should consider talking to someone to help you get through these feelings. Don't bother fighting for him. Fight for yourself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): I totally agree that you dont need a man like this.
It took 2 of you for this to happen and now he is bailing on the responsibility of dealing with this unfortunate event.
If he says he wants a break what does this exactly show you? That he doesn't care about you're feelings and that he is weak and not willing to face up not even for your sake.
I think the best thing you can do is speak to your family, they love you and have your best interests at heart you are their child and i'm sure they will help you massivly with support.
If b/friend comes asking to get back with you after his little break ask him where his priorities lie and where he was when you needed him...
I hope you are strong and i wish you well
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): if a friend of yours was treated so badly by a boyfriend what would you say to her. True or real love is never perfect but you never have to ask its intentions. Actions speak louder than words, Move on be kind to yourself and access any counselling help you may need with regard to your miscarrage. Your ex has shown the real him, move on and live the best life you can make for yourself, you deserve it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2011): This guy is not a man he is a CHILD. I mean honestly, he TEXT you this, when you are going through a miscarriage??!! WTF??
Firstly he should have at least RUNG you, what a jerk!! Secondly, you are going through something horrible and he is part of this and he has shown he cannot be there for you.
Sweetie, f**k him. I am tollerant of alot of stuff; I have a bf who can be really selfish at times but honestly, this is low and I would not put up with it, and neither should you. I don't care what he has going on with him, what you are experiencing is more important!
Do you have some close friends and family that you can rely on? If so, rely on them. Rely on ANYONE but him.
I would now text him and tell him that you are hurt by his beahviour and you find it unaaceptable. If he does not respond within 48 hours with a MASSIVE apology I would seriously forget this guy. I dont know you or him but I would say you are worth more than the way he is treating you. Make sure you also access support through your doctor x
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reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 February 2011):
 How do you intend fighting for him? You cant force an insensitive creep like him to develop feelings. Its very easy for the man to bail out; even though it takes two to make a baby, the man has the choice of taking up ZERO responsibility. Unfortunately your boyfriend has done just that.
This is obviously a very difficult time for you, but maybe it will be easier getting through this with the help of your family, rather than with the forced help of someone, who doesn't even want to be a part of it.
Whats going to happen if you fight for him? You cant arm twist him into standing by you, you will only get drawn into a messy, ugly, bitter fight, which is the last thing you need right now.
Move on. You DO NOT need this worthless man's support. You will get through this.
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