A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:All,I have been reading this post for about 6 months now and can see that what I have been involved with is Wrong! However, I found my soulmate in a younger woman and If circumstances were right she would be my wife.Nearly 2 years ago, I met her and it was love at first site! she joined our company and an office friendship started immediately. I was married to a wonderful woman for the past 14 years and have been tempted along the way by many beautiful woman but have never strayed; it was enough to know that the woman I met wanted me and If I were to engage I could sleep with them. That was validation enough!!This woman completely captured my heart she is 17 years younger than me and also married. After innocent flirting the sexual tension just built up to a point where I could not hold back any longer and pursued her. I sat her down and discussed what I was feeling and asked if she felt the same way. She admitted that she did inspite of having just married her boyfriend of 9 years. I suggested that we explore what our relationship could develop into and she hesitantly agreed.After 4 months the relationship became truly sexual when one evening we were alone at the office and I initiated a kiss. I began stroking her and the tension was so strong that even though she wanted to resist she responded in a very sexual way. The next day she was horrified and Embarrassed over her behavior and wanted to stop and just be friends. It was too late for this from my part and since we worked at the same place we could not resist the temptation to be with each other and at least chat. One thing led to another and suddenly we were saying I love you and dying to be physical in any way possible. We engaged in sex regularly and it was wonderful to connect with her in this way. Unfortunately, she felt quite a bit of guilt and tried to end our relationship frequently. Usually when I was away travelling. I discussed this with her and she kept saying that since she still loved her husband she could not continue no matter how much she loved me. I persisted along and we always kept getting together again and as the months turned into years the intensity of our love grew and the times when she would try and end it became far fewer. I could see a way out, it looked to me as though she was steadily going to be mine, until last summer when I was to go on a 1 month vacation with my family and she ended it. At this point I was determined to abide by the end and did not initiate any contact with her. After nearly 3 weeks I received an email from her proclaiming that she missed me and wanted to know how I was doing. Of course I responded and again when I returned we were back together and making love. after another 2 months she ended it again. Suddenly out of the blue she contacted me about 1 week after the last time I had seen her and she told me that she was pregnant with my child. We discussed and agreed that unfortunately the most sound thing for her to do was to get an abortion. I wanted her to leave her husband for me out of Love and nothing else. That whole episode made us even closer to the point that she was now admitting to me that she could see me as her Husband and father of her child. This woman says she loves me, adores me and that I am everything that she has ever wanted in a man. Sex continued to get better and better and our need for each other kept growing; So I thought, it did from my side but still every once in a while she would break up and say that she could not continue as she could not see her self actually leaving her husband for me as she had expected that her feelings for him would diminish over time, sadly they were not. She explained that on a regular basis she would feel more for me and then again more for him. I was winning but then again I was losing and every time I lost I was beginning to feel the emotional burden of this whole thing(Self doubts as I thought I was giving her everything:(Yesterday She broke it off and frankly I dont have the strength to keep fighting for her but I really dont want to give up; She is my SOULMATE and we both know it. Last night as we were breaking up she admitted that she could see me as her husband and father of her children. How can she live in such duality? What can I do?, how do I get her to come back to me? What will get her to Leave her husband?In the meantime I have destroyed my own marriage My wife no longer trusts me, and we are now legally separated and my 3 children are very unhappy. If My lover would leave her husband I would marry her tomorrow. Please HelpBroken Hearted
View related questions:
abortion, engaged, flirt, I love you, soulmate Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Adorskable  +, writes (28 March 2011):
 His choice was to cheat. His choice was to seek another women to satify himself sexually. It was his choice to leave his family. He did the cheating and he should be held responsible for his own actions. If the sex was so bad and that was the only reason why he seeked this other women than he should have brought this problem up to the wife. At this point the wife would know that the husband is urging for sex, that the husband is now desperate to have sex with anyone it dosen't matter who because his sexual appetite is greater than the love and respect he promised his wife the day he married her. My point is that the cheater is always at fault, and this could be sugar coded a million ways but the bottom line is the cheater is the cheater the one who betrayed and lied. The Cheater is the one who had the upper hand at all times, and choice his own route.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2011): @ Adorkstable...Please if you read my post,you would see that I said that BOTH him and his wife were wrong for not sorting out their sex life....And I did say that he did wrong(the decision to cheat was his but she did not help matters).....Whatever has been said I do not see how someone in a marriage that can count the number of times they have had sex on their hands in 5 years would behave blissfully oblivious that everything is okay ....Women in particular are guilty of this.....When you are not having sex in a relationshipe where two people are in good health and can, something is definitely wrong...Now I am not justifying cheat as I have said earlier that it is wrong but I'm just saying the wife aint so innocent neither..She did not provide or make available some of the things that are essential in an exclusive relationship...Why? You want sex to be exclusive but you dont want to really provide it in the relationship that is supposed to be exclusive....How is that healthy?...She can pretend all she likes that her marriage was bliss before this happened but she was blissfully happy not to provide sex and this is what happens...How many times have we read this time and time again to see the connect ....But on the flip side how many times have we read time and time again that having an affair will not give you the sex and affection you lack in your marriage....But couples still do this- one withhold sex/affection and the other goes to seek sex/affection outside marriage and a lot of people hurt...Mind you though this is not perculair to men..Women also seek affection and sometimes sex outside their marriage rather than communicate their needs in the marriage....In general we tend to perceive that a woman who cheats does so because something , particularly affection was lacking in her relationship with her husband but with men we dont always see that something may be missing too and way too frequently it is sex and sometimes affection......Not all men are dogs and yes there are some that would cheat regardless of what is provided to them at home....Even in the bible it warns married couples in the book of corinthians not to withold sex from each other lest they be tempted...Yes even the bible has warned how dangerous this kind of attitude to sex in a marriage can be in a marriage..Not everyone makes a decision to cheat, some are able to bear it(this is very difficult particularly for men) while some decide to leave their marriage...Today I Read an article about a man who said he had not has sex with his partner for three years and when he spoke to her about their sex life she said she has been there, done it and does not want to do it again..Can u imagine...He even threatened to get a FWB but she was more concerned about her living security in his opinion...I have to say that we women are very dishonest with ourselves sometimes...we make things difficult in a relationship for whatever reasons there may be,either he is not reading or minds etc...Even when we are not getting our needs met rather than talk about it without nagging we clam up and withhold one of the most vital ingredients of a relationship such as marriage and we do it with justification...In my opinion it is just(and only just) below par with a man who seeks sex outside a marriage cos he is not getting it at home...The exceptions being spouse who are suffering domestic violence or in ill health........They both have one thing in common, they do not communicate to get their needs met and use unhealthy methods to get them met or state their greviance and in the end their actions lead to further rot of the relationshipSo why do some women not want to bother with sex after a while in the relations and why do some men not show wives affection after they have been together a while???.....If we can communicate effectively these issues nipped in the bud, so many of us will save ourselves a lot of unecessary heartache...Granted these are not the only problems married couples face but at least it would eliminate couples fighting against each other and standing as one to face life challenges together stronger
...............................
A
female
reader, Yetilicious  +, writes (26 March 2011):
 So let me get this straight. You're asking how you can destroy someone else's marriage after you have destroyed your own? All I have to say is WOW. Stop being so selfish and think about other people for once. I hope your "soulmate" stays with her husband, you deserve to be "brokenhearted", as I'm sure your family was when you broke then news that "Sorry honey, I'm leaving you for someone 17 YEARS younger than you." You should have made sure your wife WAS your soulmate before you married her 14 years ago. Also, it is more than likely that this younger woman just loved the thrill of sneaking around with you, because you had a wife and family...and it was "forbidden". Now you're single and the fun is over and she realized how it's very rare for a realationship with someone twice your age to work. She probably also realized that she in fact loves her husband, afterall 9 years is a lot to give up, and won't leave him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (25 March 2011):
The husband cheated because he wanted to. Not having sex in the marriage is something that should have been discussed and talked about, maybe see a sex therapist, but to choose to cheat because the sex is not there is simply an excuse. Trying to blamed the wife is truly naive. The person who cheated should be the person held responsible. Its not nice to point the finger but trying to put the blame on others is not right. The person who does the crime should do the time and not try to blame others for his mistakes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 March 2011): I hope that you have learnt you lesson..Cheating is wrong...Sadly you are still so blind in your lust that you cannot see the real consequences of your actions..After seeing your response I have to say that you and your wife were wrong not to do something about your sex life...To be able to count on both hands the number of times you have had sex with her is not right....Your wife has also failed your marriage if this sex situation was caused by her refusal...And to the other posters, I know you wish this woman happiness in the future but the truth is if she does marry again and continues to act in this manner ie starving her marriage of vital sex, then I'm sorry the same thing will most probably happen with the new husband....Girls isnt it amazing how many husbands have fallen into affairs because of lack of sex...We ca longer deceive ourselves that husbands are mainly sperm donors and after the kids we are done with sex, or that sex is just not something to be bothered about....Even if there is a reason for your not giving him sex ege lack of affection..Arent you doing damage to your marriage by shutting sex out of your marriage rather than finding a way to have your needs fufilled??....If men/women were more honest than self-righteous/self-justifiable/selfish etc a lot of them would save themselves and their partners and familt a lot of heartache..That said, you both as a couple should have worked together to resolved this and not pretend , gliding along like everything was okay.... it isnt okay not to have regular sexual relations in a marriage for no concrete reason, it can endanger a marriage(particularly if it isnt caused by a medical condition).........You have both in your own ways been dishonest about the state of your marriage.......However I would advise that if there is a possibilty to reconcile with your wife you should try, sadly if she was not crazy about sex before when you were cordial, I doubt she is going to be at the moment...This would require a lot of patience, good sound honest communication and forgiveness on both parts...Seek counselling too....If you do make it back do not ignore any issues, be it a lack of affection, sex or trust etc....These issues should be addressed and resolved and not left to fester or lie fallow like it aint there, otherwise the dishonesty and lack of communication starts again...
...............................
A
female
reader, jdd +, writes (22 March 2011):
It amazes me how the person who is involved in the adultrey fails to see that his/her situation is really not that different from all the others that we have seen. I am not coming from a condemning place, I am coming from one of a person who has been there and didnt want to see myself or the situation for what it was. But my story is for another time...now about you...Try and take a step back and look at it for what it is. She has tried to end it repeatedly. She is married and says she loves him and you but who is she with? No one is forcing her to be there. Often women and men stay in unhappy or unfulfilling relationships because the fear of "will I find someone else, will i be alone, will i be happy, is the grass really greener?" That is why so many only have the "courage" to leave when someone else is in the mix. They have a security blanket and the notion that the grass is greener. I'm sure you know people who have done this. And I must ask - how many are happier? They may stay the second time around because they been there and tried that and dont have the energy to do it again and dont want to be alone. I dont mean to be harsh by any means but really look at your situation. I do believe you need to move on from you present wife -you werent happy. Could you be happy again with her? That is for you to think long and hard about. Sometimes it is so easy to get wrapped up in the new person that you just completely push the other one out of your mind and only later realize that maybe you shouldnt have done that. I know it sounds cheesy but keep a journal. It is amazing to rant away and then look back at it. Sometimes you see things differently. And again - you say she is your soul mate -really? or are you caught up in the romance of it all and really want to have a soulmate and convinced yourself it is her. I dont think it is? If you were her soulmate - why isnt she running to you? And I hate to say this but if I was madly in love with someone and pregnant with his child, I would be in love with that child and want that child even in circumstances like yours. (that is assuming that she wants children someday). I honestly can empathize with you because I have been unhappily married for a long time and it is over without question, but it is hard to move on. I looked to an old flame -a "soulmate" to ease the blow and when I allowed myself to look at it for what it is not what I want it to be -not with rose colored glasses --I realize that I have been foolish and it hurts my heart and my pride but the right person is NEVER someone who is married and lying to someone that they once or currently love. I could see it possibly starting that way. People do things that are "wrong" but for the "right" reasons sometimes and I do believe that sometimes affairs can lead to more. I think it is rare. I also think that it is something that you know --- you feel like you are cheating on your "lover" (i hate that word) with your spouse and make decisions. Your situation has gone on LONG enough. Maybe she is trying to walk a fine line of keeping you happy and keeping her secret safe so she can stay with who she is with?? In any case she is not ready and I dont think you are either. Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, Adorskable +, writes (22 March 2011):
You have ruined your marriage and has broken your wife heart and I truly wish her happiness after all the pain you have caused her. I hope your wife finds a good man someone she can call her soulmate and be very very happy. You destroyed your marriage because you wanted too, you caused this. Your lover is married and is choosing her husband over you, so open your eyes. In the long run you got close to her because you wanted to get sexual with her and you seeked her out not respecting the fact that her too was married. You prusude her and seduced her and she fell in your trap. She is also responsiable for all the drama, but one thing that she is doing right is she is staying away. She has already chosen her husband, in reality it was always only him, and she just used you for sex as-well. I wish you can start over again and this time around be faithful.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionALL,
Thank you very much for your answers. They are quite interesting to read; some of what has been written seems to fit.
Let me fill in a bit more of the scenario. My children are all under 10 years of age. I still have feelings for my wife but they are greatly diminished as a result of our relationship slowly decaying and nearly sexless. I can count on 2 hands how many times we have been intimate in the last 5 years. She is a great mother, and a very honest woman but somehow it was not until I met this new woman that I could actually see the things which were missing in my marriage were actually very important to me. I am not blaming my wife and perhaps it is still possible to reconcile but I am not ready to take that step yet until I know for sure that the relationship with my lover is never going to happen. I will make a decision within the next 4-5 months on one of three scenarios. 1) I reconcile with my wife 2) I simply start a new life alone 3) somehow after not being in contact for the next several months my lover reaches out and says that she wants to have a relationship with me; which my response will be that it can only happen if she leaves her husband completely. (At this point It is what I want most) there are factors that I do not understand at all, like how could my lover actually love me and her husband equally and if it was really equal why does she cut it off?
I will not grovel for her she knows how I feel for her so now and finally it is her that needs to show me how much I really meant to her.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): ALL,
Thank you very much for your answers. They are quite interesting to read; some of what has been written seems to fit.
Let me fill in a bit more of the scenario. My children are all under 10 years of age. I still have feelings for my wife but they are greatly diminished as a result of our relationship slowly decaying and nearly sexless. I can count on 2 hands how many times we have been intimate in the last 5 years. She is a great mother, and a very honest woman but somehow it was not until I met this new woman that I could actually see the things which were missing in my marriage were actually very important to me. I am not blaming my wife and perhaps it is still possible to reconcile but I am not ready to take that step yet until I know for sure that the relationship with my lover is never going to happen. I will make a decision within the next 4-5 months on one of three scenarios. 1) I reconcile with my wife 2) I simply start a new life alone 3) somehow after not being in contact for the next several months my lover reaches out and says that she wants to have a relationship with me; which my response will be that it can only happen if she leaves her husband completely. (At this point It is what I want most) there are factors that I do not understand at all, like how could my lover actually love me and her husband equally and if it was really equal why does she cut it off?
I will not grovel for her she knows how I feel for her so now and finally it is her that needs to show me how much I really meant to her.
...............................
A
female
reader, Hashi  +, writes (22 March 2011):
Not to rub salt in the wound but you are a silly silly man. If you can't see that your so-called mistress is just using you with absolutely zero intention of leaving her husband for you or starting an open honest relationship with you not based on lies and deceit well then you are not only silly but downright delusional.
If your mistress truly considered you her soulmate she would have left her husband for you by now. It doesn't take months no less years. I am sure deep down you know you are fighting a losing battle with your mistress.
Best of luck to you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): ".....I have destroyed my own marriage My wife no longer trusts me, and we are now legally separated and my 3 children are very unhappy....."
Yet you hypocrite that you are say ".....If My lover would leave her husband I would marry her tomorrow........"
What have u learnt, if any, from your affair? from devastating your wife? from putting your kids through hell?
love vs lust??
your married lover WILL NEVER leave her hb. does her hb know about you.
If you want to test your lover then YOU TELL HER HB. out of the blue, pick up the phone and tell him everything. You have lost everything now, so what do u have to lose anyways?
Is this woman still pregnant or did she abort the baby? If she is still pregnant then:
Do u want another man to rear your kid? for him to ill treat your kid when he discovers that this kid is someone else seed? for your kid to not know his roots? for your kid to think he is a burden?
Yep you made a mess. and you have paid the price.
I agree with Eyes: I wish your wife all the happiness , she deserves it. she truly deserves better than what u have done to her. your kids will never forgive you.
You threw it all away for sex. I hope it was worth it.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, Unsuspecting +, writes (22 March 2011):
It`s highly unlikely that u will get your wife back but the most ideal thing to do right now.You went too far with a flirt,a cheat ,who was and is still using you.Marriage requires strong characters and u were just too weak.You were not havimg problems with wifey so ,honestly,why eyeing another chic to an extend of wanting to marry her.Everyone gets these wild feelings at times but your strength is projected by how u resist this temptation.Well,like what others are saying,try as much as possible to make up with your kids and move on.Forget about this lady,she is a lier and she will not leave her hubby for u ,not until things go wrong naturally in her marriage ,then ,maybe ,she will look for you.for,now ,gather yourself up and move on,enjoy life.It`s too short!
...............................
A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Hi,
Cheating is wrong!
But I don't know you, so wouldn't judge you.. I guess people fall in love l fall out of love..
If I may say a few words about "cheating" not you ok? Its selfish act! Destroys a person as a whole. Its cruel, its dishonest. Cheating, "the sex"? Is the least of one's concerne, who cares SEX? What matters in the world is to find someone that loves u uncondicionally, respect you, accept you the way ur. Cheating is about betrayal, trust, character, morals.. Your partner is supposed to be ur best friend, the one u trust the most, that's why people married to share life together as one..
My advice:
[1st suggestion]
1)2 years is a long time.I believe is time to make a decision & stop playing games. "Your lover/co-worker/sex partner" needs to decide what she wants.its not fair to you & her husband. Your case is not just an sexual affair, its love & its serious..basically have a serious talk "make it or break it"
***depending on what ur lover decide***
[2 suggestion]
2)Do u want to make things work in ur marriage, if I case things don't move forward w/ur lover? Can you fall in love w/ur wife again? If YES? Then you should put 100% of ur energy, soul in your wife & family..(If you are lucky enough that your wife chooses to give u a 2nd chance?)
Either way, if you stay w/ur lover, if you go back to your wife, if you decide to stay alone, single, I just hope you're kind to your wife even when she's rude to you & might say some harsh words, just take as a man, don't try to turn things on her.. All your wife did was love you, respect you, be a good partner, mother, its not your wife's fault that you don't love her anymore..
Just because you found your soulmate, you should not forget your family or treat any less than what they really deserve..
Its not your fault that you fell in love w/ur new lover, (I guess I might say good for you), but you should have been honest when things were getting serious, u should have ask ur wife for a divorce. End w/respect that your wife deserves, save her the pain that your wife doesn't deserve..
Be kind & respectful to your wife & your 3 children. I understand it was never your intensions, blablabla, but always remember that you affected & changed 4 people lives. People that love you, trusted you the most, had faith in you, depended on you...
"God bless your family"
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 March 2011):
 You really have made a mess out of your life now haven't you?! Looks like you are SOL on the "soulmate", there Buddy. She has decided to stay in her marriage. All you can do is to pick up the pieaces and move on. Also try to make it up to your 3 kids, if you are lucky they may want to have you in their lives. As far as your wonderful wife goes, she has my best wishes for the happiness she more than deserves.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Sorry Hon, but you only have yourself to blame. You are in-lust with the other woman, and she is really enjoying the attention. She has never had any intention of leaving her husband for you.
If she really loved you she would leave her husband for you, but then honestly speaking, if she did leave her husband would you really trust her, and she trust you?
You both have cheated on your marriage partners. Not a good way to start any relationship.
I would suggest that you move on with making your life without her.
...............................
A
female
reader, amazingk +, writes (22 March 2011):
 Married men and apparently married women, too, pull this mess all the time. The married person that has every intention on staying married still wants to have their cake and eat it, too. If she really saw you as her husband, she'd leave the man she's married to and allow you to make yourself her husband. She hasn't done that. There's no excuse for her not to, except the fact that deep down SHE DOESN'T WANT TO.
She likes her life just the way it is, and she likes the spicy variety you add to her mix on the side. She played you like a well tuned violin. You've lost everything behind her! Your wife's on the way out, your kids are miserable. Hell, you've even lost a baby that didn't have the chance to be born! You may love this woman and want to be with her, but at what cost? Is having her "love" really worth all the destruction and havoc it's wreaking on your life, and now your family's life?
Usually people respect and love folks that have a backbone, that won't take their crap, that won't accept mistreatment because they know in their heart and display by their conduct that they are WORTH MORE THAN THAT. You aren't showing that and she's picking up on it. Man up, find your worth, and you'll soon realize that this married adulteress, basically, isn't worth all the stress she's giving you. I don't know if you can repair your marriage, and hopefully you can. But if you can't, please move forward with your life and never allow yourself to be used as someone's extra-marital hobby again. Besides, usually in relationships born of affairs, all you're ending up with is a man/woman that's known for cheating on their spouse...
...............................
|
