A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A few days ago I threw my boyfriend his phone and I haven't got a really good aim and it sort of hit him in the side of the face, not hard, and I apologised and said something like 'eek sorry you know I'm crap at aiming' and he grabbed me and punched me really hard in my side. I was shocked so I moved away but he grabbed me again and punched me in the arm. I've got bruises up my side and down my arm now, and I'm so scared..My father was abusive when I was younger and my boyfriend (who was my friend at the time) was there with me through that, so he knows that I get upset about this kind of thing but I really don't know what to do...I keep looking at them and thinking oh it doesn't matter but it's really upset me.. He said he was sorry, but I can't seem to get over the fact that he grabbed me and done it, and when I got free he grabbed me again and done it again... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pebble +, writes (26 April 2009):
 I think it's time for you to go hun, you shouldn't be living a life like this.
A
male
reader, unclezak +, writes (25 April 2009):
LEAVE HIM.
ASAP!
If my wife threw a phone in my face by accident, we would both laugh at it! He is physically abusing you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2009): I've tried to talk to him about it, but he always says 'NOT NOW' or he ignores it and starts talking about something else.This is not the first time he's done something abusive, he's smacked me round the back with a metal ruler and kicked me infront of everyone and pushed me off of chair's and things like that, but he always says he's just 'joking' I told him it's not really funny when he leaves bruises but he doesn't seem to understand.
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female
reader, pebble +, writes (23 April 2009):
I would like to completely ignore the war going on here and ask the poster what decision she made and how things have worked out so far...?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): wow what a discussion.
The weak shouldn't be hit by the strong.
(a man can be weak and a woman strong - so i disagree on the women are fragile argument - i prefer the term weak of either sex (and it can also be emotionally or psychologically) however, In most cases in a normal hetero relationship physically this is the woman who is weak and how we have been brought up).
What he did was wrong. (full stop) he has said sorry, he hasn't done anything like it before that has been mentioned. In my books it would be a red card warning - anything even close its goodbye. It does not make him an abuser - just stupid.
The original poster has a further issue where her father was abusive and i think this is multiplying the feelings for her. Not every man is an abuser. I don't (at the moment) think this one is or necessarily will become one. The boy probably thought he was kind of play fighting - like you would with brothers. (i am making excuses for him, that is not good. lets cut to the chase as i don't know the facts)
my view here - for the original poster - is think back over your bf's behaviour - how has been. has done things like this before? Does he demand his own way over yours? did you feel intimidated by him before this?
if the answer to these is yes i would seriously think that you shouldn't be in there - go find someone who is better for you, you deserve much better than some who controls you in such a way.
below is an extract from Wiki from Danielle Lloyd that i think shows a little of when this gets out of hand and as britt as stated - it can get worse.
its your choice, but do think, hard.
Hugs, Star.x.
from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Danielle_Lloyd)
"Just as she was beginning her modelling career, Lloyd was brutally attacked by her boyfriend of the time. She was dragged from her moving car after an argument with him, suffering terrible abrasions and severe bruising to her body and losing most of her hair. Lloyd later said of the attack:
Deep down you can’t forget what’s happened no matter how much counseling you have. You blame yourself and tell yourself you deserve it – I was given help when I most needed it and I want to be able to help others now. Too many women (1 in 4) suffer domestic violence at some time and support centres such as Women’s Aid aren’t able to answer all of the calls due to being under resourced. I'll always do all that I can to help raise awareness and help people. Being in a violent relationship, you are constantly living in fear – and that’s no way for anyone to live their life.""
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2009): I read pvtguy answers before and he always came across like he has a dislike towards women. Which dosen't make him a very good agony aunt does it? You're saying that it's alright for a man to hit a woman if she throws something at him? even if it wasn't meant to harm the other person. I seen women and men loads of times throw things at people and it's the only the people with real anger issues that lash out.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Have a serious chat with this guy & advise him if he ever intentionally harms you again you will leave him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): DEAR ORIGINAL POSTER: I would like to apologize for losing my cool and taking my personal frustrations out on other posters when you are genuinely here for advice...not criticism...not squabbles among the posters...but help! I am truly sorry I allowed myself to get involved with a war of words!
When I talk about the abuse I experienced it is always from my heart and I always get emotional when sharing it. I do it because I believe I can help women like myself who don't see a way out, or maybe need a little nudge.
We don't know your boyfriend, we don't know you. But his reaction was out of line...and I have seen things like that before! It could be a dangerous sign...I left my husband because I felt my life was in danger...if you should ever feel threatened, get away from him. If your gut is telling you now, that he is capable of harming you, get out now! Domestic violence is real, it is at epidemic proportions and women die every day!
Take Care and Stay Safe!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Pvtguy! I can't believe you are still standing your ground! I just read your newer posts and the flirting thing...Why would you say in a private msg that I deserve a spanking???? You say I am taking my experiences and turning them into lame speeches that I dramatize??? You have a total disrespect for women...I've seen it before in your answers! How dare you minimize what I have been through! I don't lump all men together...I know plenty of men who know how to treat and respect us! Some right here on this site! And I will Never allow another man to disrespect me again! Including you! It's a good thing you don't have any daughters, although maybe if you did...you would have more compassion!
The whole idea of this site is to share our experiences in a way that will help others! So yes I do tell my story...but I don't dramatize it! I tell it just the way it happened! Word for Word! And I have helped other woman in the process! So, you get over yourself!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): OMG what is wrong with you people??
She didn't hit him on purpose, she was tossing himhis phone coz he couldnt be bothered getting up and getting it himself.
It hit him in the face BY ACCIDENT der you stupid people!!!!!
He deliberatley assulted her not once but twice because of an ACCIDENT.
All you guys who are saying its ok to hurt someone who accidently hurts you are no better than animals.
We are humans (well not many who replied here are unfortunantly) and we make concious decisions not just strike out like a bunch of ferals at any opportunity.
You all need to take a long hard look at yourselves.
To the poster- leave him. Like many posters here your bf obviously does not know the difference between civilised behaviour and acting like a rabid dog
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): i stated i didnt hit him on purpose, i threw it to him because he was on the other side of the room and he asked me to give it to him, i would never throw something at him or hit him on purpose.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I'll echo what lots of other people here have said... leave him. If he has hit you once he will do it again, abusers never tend to abuse only the one time. I know this because my mum used to hit my dad and she used to hit me as well. What if you started a family with this guy... he would do as my mother did and hit the children too.Domestic violence is not acceptable EVER. Get away from this guy while you still can. People like that are beyond disgusting.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (20 April 2009):
 I can totally see where PVT guy is coming from. He did one of the lesser evils, he hit her on the arm. I don't think that's enough evidence to say "leave the abuser" lol. She shouldn't have thrown the phone at him in the first place and he shouldn't have did what he did so now they're both even. The lesson to be learned here...? DON'T be so quick to anger! That phone COULD have taken his eye out!
~Eve~
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female
reader, pebble +, writes (20 April 2009):
pvtguy - your wife is one lucky lucky lady.
Poster, your partner overreacted to the extreme. You did not deserve to be hit, you said sorry, and sure he should be allowed to be a bit mad at you but to beat you is beyond unacceptable.
Please get out of this relationship now, you have seen what he is capable of, it might be worse next time. There WILL be a next time. Good luck and lets us know how it goes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): You were in the wrong to hit him ,and he was in the wrong to hit you. You're both as bad as eachother and shouldn't continue this destructive relationship!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Pvtguy, wow just wow. I feel bad for your poor wife. She said sorry for throwing the phone at him and it was just a phone! It wasn't a rock just a phone. How many people have had phone thrown at them?? I have and I didn't go of in a rage and start hitting out at my partner. OP leave this boyfriend
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): pvtguy...my friend...I had my ribs busted 3 separate times! Once because I accidently closed his hand in the bathroom door when I was trying to get away from him...I didn't mean to jam his fingers in the door...I was just looking for a safe place...he kicked the door in pinned me between the toilet and the vanity and just punched the shit out of me...are you saying I deserved that? Another time he threw a gallon of milk at me and again busted my ribs...did I deserve that because I told him to get up off the couch and do something with his life? And the last time...he draged me through the hallway from the living room to the bedroom by my hair (maybe that's why I keep my hair short now.) When he got to the bedroom door with me, I was on the floor by then...he stomped on my chest (with his work boots) and spit in my face! Did I deserve that because I said "give me a break, I just got home from work, let me unwind a little!" Did I deserve to be treated the way I was treated? Where do you draw the line? One time my elbow accidently hit him under his chin and caused him to bite his tongue...did I deserve to get punched in the face? I was singing one day because I was feeling happy...now I'm the first to admit I have a terrible voice and can't carry a tune...but should he have punced me in the face, and given me a black eye? Obviously some of the things I did, irritated him...but never intentionally...but I was always punished for it. He accidently (supposedly) ran over my foot with the car. went down...and yes I admit I screamed due to the pain...he got out of the car, told me to shut the f**k up before someone calls the cops. He threatened to knock me out if I didn't shut up!
I'm sorry but when I hear that a man has hit a woman and another man justifies it...I get a little upset!
We are not here to judge the people who write in...we are hear to try and help. Even when they are in the wrong in my opinion, I try to encourage them to do what in my opinion is the right thing!
I'm sorry this sounds like an editorial...but I had to speak my mind...and by the way...I am not judging you my friend...I am just trying to get you to see my point of view! PEACE!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Let him go.
I know that I personally, hate the feeling that stuff that happened to me before is going to happen all over again.
He was there with you when your dad was abusive, he should know that doing something like that would scare you. Not to mention how he physically harmed you.
Sorry this happened.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE get away from this man. He is not good. No one EVER has the right to hit you. Two women a week die as a result of domestic violence in the UK and that is disgusting. The only time it is ever acceptable to hit someone is in self defence and that is not what this was. He doesn't seem to have felt under any threat, yet attacked you; considering what you went through in your childhood, this is disgusting and selfish behaviour. Get away from him now, lashing out as a reflex is one thing, but he hit you twice. We all do disgusting things when we're angry or in the heat of the moment - but he didn't smash a plate or call you a horrible name - he abused you and you can never, ever risk that happening again. You know this is wrong, hence why you've logged on and asked this question. Speak to those who you are close to, get it out in the open and as soon as you have, hopefully, they'll support you in leaving him. Alert the police and if he acts threatening in anyway after you end things, keep the police and those around you updated. Good luck - remember you deserve to live a happy life without threat of intimidation or violence - PLEASE GET OUT.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): so what are you going waiting for? for him to kill you? I've gotten the feeling that some women just likes to get hit. I guess it's ok for him to hit you since your father did it right? Asking you to walk away from him might be effortless. You will learn on your own, you know when it's the limit...if you ever get to it....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): If he gets away with it once, he will do it again! That you can take to the bank! They are always sorry after the fact! I could understand if he acted out of reflex...but to then grab you and punch you again. And that's another point you described it as a punch not a hit or a slap, but a punch. Abusers usually start out using an open hand...not a closed fist...he is a dangerous guy. I would get away from him asap!
I am telling you this because it took me 16 years to get away from my ex. Time I can never get back.
Good Luck, Stay Safe, Be Strong!
Britt
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): Get OUT !! Now! physically abusive people follow the same pattern. Now its going to be the little things you do... then its going to be what you wear or what you said... anything to take a punch at you... then he's oh so sorry and he will never do it again. that is until you accidently spill his tea on his pants, or you forgot to pick up his favorite food perhaps you were 5 min late picking him up. My point is it will get worse NEVER better.
NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO HIT YOU EVER---- your brain is giving you the right answer so listen to it and don't become another statistic.
while your at it... get some counseling because of the abuse you have already suffered from your father and now your boyfriend odds are you are very attractive to this type of individuale. any salvation army or dept of social services will have a number for a womans hot line to get you the counseling you need.
I am only saying this to you so I don't read about some young girl in the paper and wonder if its you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): wow, he really over reacted to that, unless you pruposely hit him in the face with his phone. but you say it was an accident. really there would be no excuse for him to hit you at all.
get away from that guy because violence in relationships escalate. so here are your options:
dump him and move on and consider yourself lucky.
give her one more chance, and let him grovel at your feet and apologize for hitting you.
so those are your two choices. guys who abuse girls choose these girls because they know they are vulnerable, and the fact that your dad was abusive means you might have a proclivity to being in an abusive relationship. i think it would also be wise to seek help with a counselor or friend who can steer you in the right direction.
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