A
male
age
30-35,
*ames1992
writes:Where to begin? Basically, I'm 16, a virgin and would consider myself Bisexual. I think that at this moment in time, I am equally attracted to both men and women. I've been in an on and off open relationship with another guy, let's call him J, for around 2 years and he was the first person who I ever explored my sexuality with. I'd had girlfriends before but never anything serious. He's two years younger than me, but he'd actually already had a boyfriend before we started dating (he's one of those people who's always known and been sure about his sexuality) and was the first person who I ever got past 'making out' with.Basically, he's recently called me and asked if we could get back together, for something more than we've ever had.. sex. Thing is, he thinks that I've already lost my virginity, and thinks that I am secure in my sexuality.I do want to lose my virginity to him, it's just that here are where things get complicated -Last year my parents walked in on him giving me a blow-job, though they didn't exactly see what was going on - they just assumed. And my dad hated me for the following year until I PROMISED him that I wasn't gay, and that nothing like it would happen again. You see, my dad's perhaps the most homophobic person I know - a man who was brought up through the 50's and 60's where he claims that the 'queers' were 'beaten up', and that he views it as an 'illness', and that gay people just 'aren't right'. This is where my regret comes in, I feel that if I go ahead and continue this relationship to the next stage, and don't tell my parents, then I'll hate myself for not being honest with them..And then there's the issue of other people in school (there are only 6 weeks left though..), and how they just simply don't accept gay people, J told other people about our first sexual encounter right after it happened - and I lost a lot of 'friends' because of that.. and that wasn't even after full-on sex.So that's pretty much it, do I go ahead and risk friendships and be dishonest to my family because of this guy, who I honestly can't get enough of? I don't know.I need your help in seeing what the risks are, and if anyone has been through this sort of experience could help me, then I would be eternally greatful.Many thanks, James.
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male
reader, NightLad  +, writes (20 April 2009):
 Hi James,First off, don’t let J’s life-long certainty in his sexuality intimidate you. Remember that just because somebody has a firm grasp of their sexual identity from a young age does not mean they necessarily possess the rationality and/or maturity to deal with it. That he went around telling other people about your first experience together without consulting you first strikes me as inconsiderate, to say the least.Prior to entering into a relationship with him again (sexual or not) it is important that you and he sit down and honestly discuss your feelings. Let him know how you feel about your sexuality, because it is important that he understands where you are coming from. He can’t keep working from a false assumption. If you feel that your do not yet have the support structure in place to openly start using any particular label for your sexuality, let him know. There is no shame in that, and there is no hurry to pick one. Also discuss your feelings for him specifically; because it sounds as if you really do care for him. If he genuinely feels the same way, than he will understand of your specific needs and be supportive.Only after you have this conversation can you make the decision on whether or not to get into a relationship. And don’t feel rushed; if you need to take your time, well, that should be perfectly fine. Remember, love is patient and love is kind.Your father certainly sounds like he is working from antiquated ideas about homosexuals. I’m sorry that he has chosen to vent them on you, especially in light of your own still-emerging sexual identity. Rest assured that the world is moving forward toward tolerance of LGBT people, although it may often seem like light-years away when surrounded by the juvenile name-calling of your peers.You are not ill or abnormal. I’d urge you to review the American Psychological Association’s statement on Sexual Orientation, which can be found here: http://www.apa.org/topics/sorientation.htmlI am concerned to hear that your father’s love for you is perceived as being conditional, calumniating in your promise to him that you are not gay. Whatever else, know that sexual orientation is not something one can choose or change. With that said; if you feel guilty at the prospect of following your heart towards reciprocated love because you are afraid of breaking that ‘promise’, understand that your promise was never one you had the power to keep. Nobody has control over their heart.If you do decide to enter into a relationship with J, and you feel that it would cause disharmony in your home life, or that it would not be safe (emotionally or physically) for you to be open with your dad about it, then I’d advise you to simply not bring it up. He clearly would not want to know, and most teenagers (including heterosexual teens!) don’t discuss their romantic lives with their parents. It would be nice if you could, but that just seems to be the reality of your specific situation.As for your friends; friends love and support each other, period. If you have friends who would abandon you for being gay/bi/purple/whatever, then they are not the type of people who are worthy of -your- friendship. I promise that whatever pain might come from losing them will have far more to do with the knowledge that their friendship was superficial and conditional. But in the end, you will realize that losing them was really for the best. First of all, you will learn who your -true- friends are by those who stay and support you. Secondly, you will be open to many more healthy and strong friendships without the need for pretences and deceptions.I would also urge you to take a moment and view this website for general information on sex: http://sexualityandu.caI hope this helps.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I'm bisexual as well. Right now I'm in a relationship with someone of the opposie sex, and I've never been so in love. If your love is strong for him, go ahead and enjoy your relationship. From my own experience, I suggest you don't mention the relationship to your parents or your sexuality to them until you have become fully acceptable of it yourself and feel inside that you are comfortable comming out to them, if that is what you need to do to feel like you've done the right thing. You are in love, so enjoy the adventure and the high of it.
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