A
female
age
51-59,
*EL
writes:I have been married for 8 years and am so sick of his moods. My husband has turned into a miserable old man, constantly moaning about how rubbish his life is, I'm sure he's going through the male menopause. I really think it's time to get out, I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a moaning old man. We have a house that we rent out to our daughter so I have somewhere to go but I am really worried about the financial situation, he has made it impossible over the years for me to work, he is also constantly saying HE earns all the money etc, but I am trying really hard to find a job. The house I can go to is also in a mess and not really big enough for myself, my daughter and her partner and my son who is 17! I just don't know what to do for the best.....Please help.....
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): Just adding my thoughts here. Have you ever thought of simply getting educated and working out, away from the home? I would try that route first, before leaving an 8 year relationship. There is plainly an issue of losing respect for one another, so feelings of confidence are at an all time low and frustrations levels are high in your home. It's amazing that when a woman empowers her life with a job, she enriches her worldview, makes new friends, gets a sense of purpose other than home and family, she blossoms. Then that good, postiive mindset spills out into the rest of the family. It's worth a try, first. However if with time, that doesn't work, and you are still finding this marriage no longer emotionally fulfilling, then I think you should consider a separation. I'm always a proponent of seeing couples work out their marriage issues. Especially couples that have been married a good while. Some other marriages suffer deep pain, like abuse, addictions, alcoholism, infidelities abound and yet some marriages work beyond that and still thrive. Both of you are unhappy and both of you share equal responsibility for allowing this marriage to go adrift. Perhaps you have accepted life as being mundane, without working hard to develop yourself. Getting anew job that you life or educating yourself, gives a woman a sense of purpose of doing something just for herself and contributing, and having her own money flow. It's a good, empowering feeling. You need to find yourself and he needsto respect you, for what you are trying to achieve.
On the other hand, some marriages do suffer a a huge division of life paths where you both begin going in opposite directions. ANd sometimes it's hard to find your way back. Both of you may have come to the point where your styles developing yourselves and your goals are different. So your decision is not an easy one. All I will state is the fact and that is..unless he is willing to be a mutually, loving partner to you in this marriage, there is no partnership and he needs to be told that. If that is the case, I see no other way around this...to save your emotional self and for you to learn independence and self-sufficiency...you could part ways but keep in mind, this should be a temporary separation. Keep an open door and a open mind for awhile. Sometimes, when couples part, and are away from each other for awhile, they begin to see their situations in a different light. But first and foremost you need to develop yourself and gain the confidence to carry on in the world, on your own. I think doing will greatly enhance your life. Try this first before you blow up your marriage and end it for good. I am sensing there is a sliver of committment here. You both are lost. Go real slow before making a rash decision, is all I am saying. I wish you strength to making a brave choice, hun. Take care and good luck.
A
female
reader, GEL +, writes (12 March 2007):
GEL is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your replies! In answer to some of the issues raised, we have tried counseling but it hasn't made any difference. The counsellor said we both need to work hard on spending time together, the problem is he dosn't want to spend time with me, he just wants to do his own thing, if I sugest lets do something together this weekend he goes along with it, but is so miserable it spoils the time we have together, then later when we are talking he says he can't think of anything worse than going for a walk! (for instance.When I try to talk to him about how I feel the conversation always ends up with him talking about himself, me, me, me, he has a way of turning around and twisting what I'm saying so it's all my fault, he won't accept that he might be to blame for some things. I however, know I have faults, I know I'm not easy to live with! It's his money that he earns so he should have the say in our future plans, e.g. where we live in our retirement, I am only 40 and he's talking about retiring!!!!Is it just me? Am I the one to blame?He has a hobby, which is great, but from May to Oct he spends every waking hour on it and there's no time for us, the counsellor sugested he perhaps needs to balance his time more, but he dosn't seem to be able to, its 100% racing or 100% DIY or 100% us, but when its us he's miserable and lets me know it!!!The counsellor also sugested we need to be more romantic, well, I got a bottle of shampoo for Valentine's Day!I feel lost, I have no friends as he dosn't like any of them so I've managed to loose them over the years. I have no savings and have little control over the money, don't get me wrong I don't go short or anything, but for instance I have no idea who our electric suppler is!I think we just want different things. I'm in a mess at the moment but I know I will survive, I'm just worried about how my son and I will cope financially, my husband has been the bread winner and I don't think I'm ready for a job as such yet. Anyway thanks for listening and for your replies....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2007): I have recently left my husband of 8 years too! we had a daughter and he was in control of money. Trust me the grass is greener on the other side. Make sure you sort out your finances, seek advice from the jobcentre. But dont stay in a loveless relationship for the sake of others. It only hurts you in the long run. You may loose some friends and it is a rough ride at first, but time will prevail.I am happier now than I have been in years, and so is my daughter.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2007): Ask your husband why he keeps moaning and having these constant moods. That way you can sort out the problem together.
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female
reader, AskEve +, writes (11 March 2007):
 First of all do you still love your husband? Why is HE so miserable all the time? Relationships need to be worked at and neither of you seem to be pulling your weight here. Moving in with your daughter and her partner and your 17 year old son will only bring a different set of problems for you so I don't think that is the answer either.
When was the last time you actually sat down and talked with your husband? I mean spending quality time together talking without the TV in the background? Talk to him and ask him how he's feeling. He may have things on his mind that you aren't even aware of. Go away for a weekend together with NO TV. Try and re ignite the passion again. Go walks together and get to know one another again. You both sound as if you have been taking one another for granted. Here are a couple of links to try and spice up your marriage.
http://www.webraydian.com/content/view/167/32/
http://marriage.families.com/blog/5-ways-to-reconnect-in-your-marriage
If you really don't love him any more and want out then you still need to talk to him about it decide between you the best steps to take.
Eve
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female
reader, Carina  +, writes (11 March 2007):
 Your husband sounds as though he's very miserable and I'm not surprised you're thinking about leaving. I'm assuming he hasn't been violent, but if he has then you're right to get out of there fast. However, have you tried to find out why he's so moody and moaning? He may be depressed or stressed. Before you rush into things I would suggest you try some relationship counselling. This might sort things out and at least you will know you tried to work on the relationship. Being alone is not easy, especially if you have financial difficulties so please think hard before you make the decision. If you really believe that you will be happier alone, then go for it. Remember though, that you can't depend on your daughter and her partner or your son for long term companionship. They have their own lives to lead. You may or may not meet another partner, and you need to be able to live independently to be happy. It's only a step you should take if you're very sure there's nothing that can be done to get back your original feelings for your husband. Good luck with whatever you decide.
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