A
female
age
51-59,
*eepinguilt
writes:I am deeply involved in an online affair with a much younger man - Im 35 - he is 21. He thinks I am his age and unattached. He says he wants to marry me. I am married with 4 children and I want to end the online affair. It has been going on for 2 and a half years. I know I have wasted this man's time and life by continuing this lie. My husband has no idea what I have been doing. I want to end this but my online affair begs me not to leave him. I love him, but its based on lies. I used to love my husband more than anything but he has cheated on me before. He confessed to me and promised to repair our marriage. I will never confess to what I have done. I want to love my husband as I love the man Im having the emotional affair with. I want to end the affair before more damage is done.
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female
reader, wisegirl  +, writes (8 June 2010):
I think subconsciously you want to pay him back for what infidelity he handed out to you, that is why you had this affair. Now that you have had your revenge end it right now and focus on your family. Its not a good idea to tell your husband for he will not be able to forgive you. But you need to get out right now to to prevent this from hurting your family.
And what can you build on a bunch of lies, anyway.
Good luck
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2007): i dont think youre brave or should be commended at all, you have indeed wasted this mans time, not just a couple of months but years and thats a terrible thing. your husband might have cheated but havent you heard the phrase 2 wrongs dont make a right? you say you cant end the affair; yes you can, and make it a clean break. tell him its over, then remove his email address from your system and block it just incase, then change yours asap. sounds harsh maybe but if hes begging and its makes you feel guilty youl never break away. not that i think you want to at all but for the sake of your family and a relationship thats going nowhere, end it now, and have a serious discussion with your husband. dont confess your crime if you must keep it secret but you clearly havent forgiven his past antics; tell him that and tell him things hav to change as you are unhappy. if he can really no longer make you happy, leave him; you only get one life, dont live it unhappily if you can avoid it. though your karma will probably catch up with you for this.
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A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (17 July 2007):
 Tell your on-line guy, you're joining the Peace Corps, leaving the country for a few years and won't be able to continue communicating via on-line. Tell him you care about him, but expect him to move on with his life.....(What's one more lie, right?) Then simply stop corresponding with him. Change your e-mail address and don't look back. Focus your attention on your spouse and try to put your marriage back together. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, courtneyluver24  +, writes (17 July 2007):
dump him,,,,, tell him ur married with two kids,,,,, forgive ur husband and i agree dont tell him what u have done,,,,,,, tell the other man u just want to be friends at most,,,,,,,, apolagize to the man and move on...... thats all i got to say
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A
male
reader, Wild Thaing +, writes (17 July 2007):
 You really don't want to end it, and I'm sorry to tell you that I don't know why. But I think you do. This online relationship appears to be a form of escape for you. You probably have at least a vague notion about what it is that you are escaping from.
Also, something appears to be amiss from your life. Until you figure out what that is and take steps to resolve it, you will continue to cheat.
If you are committed to figuring out what is going on in your mind we'll be here. All we ask is that you tell us the truth and that you take our counsel to heart. Good luck and take care.
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A
male
reader, DJ8433 +, writes (17 July 2007):
 It sounds like you have a conscience and you are in a bit of turmoil over this. With 4 kids, you must be busy enough without having to worry about getting caught doing something you shouldnt be. You sound like you're not over your husbands cheating. That's a separate issue that you need to resolve with him that you will not resolve of you continue with this other relationship. If you cheat on him, I promise you won't feel any better about your relationship with him. I too was married with children and was very depressed with the relationship for a long time. I chose to stick it out for the kids until my son was 17 and my daughter was 15. He's now 20 and she's 18. It still affected us all. Don't kid yourself, it will affect your children. Be real, you know you have to say goodbye to one or the other sooner or later. You have a choice to make. What do you want?
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A
male
reader, NuVu +, writes (17 July 2007):
This must be incredibly difficult on you, but i think you know what you have to do. If you really care for your online friend, he needs to know the WHOLE truth. Yes, it will be painful for the both of you, but in the end its necessary and will hopefully teach him a valuable lesson about falling in love online.
As for loving your husband the best way to do that is thru action. The mind a body are intimately connected. Loving actions like: An unexpected kiss or hug, a short shoulder massage, showing compassion when he's having a difficult time, etc. When you do these kinds loving actions, the mind seems to follow along without questioning it. Give it a try, it might work. :)
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, deejuliet +, writes (17 July 2007):
 You are a perfect example of why I get on peoples cases about internet and long distance relationships. They are not real! This young man says he loves you and wants to marry you. But he isnt in love with you, as the person you have presented is just a fantasy who doesnt even exist. You claim to love him, too, but that isnt true either. You dont actually know each other. Everything about your so called relationship is based on lies and fantasy. You might as well say you are in love with a tv or book character. He may not be what he says he is either. Maybe he is really a 55 year old fat guy, or likes skinning puppies for fun but can hide these and any other facts from you because your life together ISNT REAL!
Now, we dont know if he is real or not, but we certainly know that you are not. You are lying to and leading on this young man and cheating on your husband. While there has been no physical affair there has been an emotional affair and you need to stop right now. You need to confess to your 'boyfriend' and end it. If you do not wish to admitt your deception, have a fantasy breakup. Tell him that you have found another or are having a sex change operation. Whatever! But you must end this now.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (17 July 2007):
 I think your very brave to face this. The internet has a lot to answer for. It has become a haven for lies and deceit and normal everyday people have been sucked up into it, because it is so easy to cover your tracks, say things you don't mean and create yourself as someone you maybe long to be.
Believe me you are not alone, many people are caught up in virtual relationships, that give them comfort but offer no real benefit in the 'real world', most have no hope to reach fruition. It is so easy to get caught up in the fantasy of love on the net, especially if things are lacking in our real lives, it is easy to get carried away with someone who promises much but actually doesn't have to deliver at all, because , often, the distance is too far and in your case, you are not who you say you are.
That said, it is not right to decieve another person, however you feel, he is a real person and a young one at that, and you know in your heart that your misleading him and it can only end in disaster. You obviously have another life with another man, and there are problems that need to be worked out, but your spending precious time living a lie. STOP ans STOP NOW!!!
It is going to be very hard to let this online friend go, but it is the right thing to do. Tell him that you got carried away, that you have genuine feelings for him, but you have to admit you decieved him. There's no pretending that this isn't going to be extremely painful for both of you...but you know it's just a pipe dream and you are perhaps stopping him from finding a true love of his own, you may also cause severe damage to his image of women, when you reveal your lie. If you can't face telling him the awful truth then just tell him that you can no longer be friends, be insistent. I feel the truth is the best way though, for both your sakes.
Let him go, get off the net and back into your real life and if you find your not happy with your husband, bring things to an end and move on.
I wish you the best of luck with it. Let me know how it goes.
Aunty Em
x
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