A
female
age
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*sarina
writes:i have just been 'dumped' after 10 years. I am an extremely attractive and kind soul. I did not deserve this. I tried to change for him when he kept picking fault with me. he would never try, even counselling. i made the decision to let it go, although hard. he has depleted my self-esteem button. i am a career woman running my own business, but now struggle to concentrate. when we met i was the breadwinner, he has now built his business up to millions. guess i passed my sell-by date! help.... Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): Great job standing strong!
You know, having your ex pick up your skanky friend is probably the best thing that has happened. Otherwise he'd be trailing after you and playing games, back and forth like a yo-yo. Now he's latched onto her and they will make each other miserable... congratulations on your escape!
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female
reader, tsarina +, writes (12 July 2008):
tsarina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi allJust to give you all the latest update.I have started on again with my life, employed a life coach and begun with a new attitude. You were all RIGHT... He proved to be a creep. However, I have drawn such an important lesson from this - communicate, communicate, communicate with your partner - If I had heeded this advice, I would have left a lot sooner. I have been fortunate enough to have attracted great wisdom on this issue via the net and am moving on in great strides. Never again will I suffer a non-communicative relationship. I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 July 2008): Theres no easy way to fall out of love. You can only shut out contact, and find other things to occupy your mind.
It will take time, but it'll feel like this huge weight is lifted off your shoulders.
Go out with friends a lot. That helps.
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female
reader, tsarina +, writes (1 July 2008):
tsarina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, girls helped a lot. I found out that she has been around the block a few times, unlike myself who doesnt need an easy shag to prove my worth. I will maintain my ladylike stance....
Any ideas on how to fall out of love? I need to move on and feel blocked?
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female
reader, Twirly  +, writes (30 June 2008):
 Hi Sweetie,
Wow, what a creep! The very first thing I advise you to do is to cut off contact with him. He shouldn't be popping round or talking to you daily, let the answerphone pick up any calls from him, or if need be tell him once, firmly and politely that you need him to leave you alone for a while to move on, and then don't respond to him for as long as possible.
Next, cut off contact with the so called friend of yours who he is now dating. Again, if you like, you can tell her straight that you don't want to have any contact with her in the light of her dating your recent ex, and ignore her after that.
Have a great girly night with your friends, that's the very best way to start healing and moving on and I wish you all the best!
You need to forget about this guy, which will be hard as I suspect he will try to keep in touch, especially if you back off, but do try to resist, he's no good for you (or anyone!) and you deserve so much better!
Good luck! xx
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female
reader, tsarina +, writes (30 June 2008):
tsarina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all
Just the latest update.... He came over last night to tell me: He has started seeing a friend of mine - barely 4 weeks after he left my bed! Hell, it is such a slap in the face. The depth of hurt is astronomical, after saying things like: You are a racehorse, I still love you, the sex with you was the best I ever had, can we still be friends, I am only doing this to try and get over you, etc. Where do men like this get off?
I have recently been clearing out my life and need some encouragement please from anyone out there. This is fckng hard to deal with. I was brought up NOT to attach oneself to a friend from THE circle. I today asked him to apologise for the fact that he is seeing her, but he doesn't understand why, although he did apologise.
How am I supposed to react when I see them. I am trying to handle this in an adult fashion and as such wished him all the best - that's the way I am, I know that it would never have worked out between us. Speaking with a few girlfriends today is however giving me some strength. They say it will never last, my God, I hope they are right - not because I do not want him out of my life, but probably because it is so sudden since he physically left. The girls are also saying that she is the one who is going to get hurt - it is painful as I know her, but I can't warn her and teh others won't. I assume that he has replaced me with someone who will look after him. Ho hum, who knows? So, even though I do not like to pass judgement on anyone, is the fact that she stuck her tongue down his married best friends throat on New Years eve, in front of his wife, mean anything. She does not normally act like a tart, but maybe I should reserve judgement - after all my ex does have money even if he is a narcissist!
Anyway, Tonight I gather my girlfriends around me and they will keep me on the straight and narrow. Any other words from you wonderful people will also help.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 Congrats. Never said transitions are easy. What's sometimes difficult in the short term, has the greatest long term benefit.
Always remember in the difficult times. You are your own person. You choose who to associate with. You owe yourself more than anyone else, to demand how to be treated, and not accept anything less.
Take care.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (9 June 2008):
 Thanks for your update.
You need to think of yourself first and not sell your soul down the river to some heartless and soulless creature.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 June 2008): Fair play to you for finding the strength to do that!!
Its never easy - I've been there, done that and could write script on it now! Stay strong, and show him that you don't need him in your life for anything!
Best of luck with everything in the future - you deserve it :)
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female
reader, tsarina +, writes (9 June 2008):
tsarina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, this is the first time I am re-visiting the site and a lot has happened. Straight after my last letter, we went for dinner and he verbally attacked me in the car on the way. Needless to say that by the morning I had made up my mind to get rid of hime, once and for all. It has been a painful journey - I broke my leg, booted him out within 2 weeks and fended off the creditors for what seemed like an age. I even drove my kids to school and back with a broken leg. He offered minimal financial assistance. It helped slightly, but I was incarcerated at home, unable to work, see clients or even make phone calls due to a complete breakdown in financial resources. Eventually I managed to find myself a place to rent and moved in in April. I will have to leave the place at the end of November, but the upside is that I am closer to the school and my office, so all is not bad. He has been contacting me constantly and just today I had to threaten him with a legal letter to stay away. It is very hard, I still love him, but to head back into this narcissistic realtionship would kill me. I have a counsellor and call her when times get rough. I am writing this so that you may all know what has transpired and my actions and story may help others to see the light. however tough it is, follow your soul and instincts, not your heart and decide for yourself what you want from life. My strength goes out to all those in need. Stay strong.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): Thanks for your update. Good luck. Take care x
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2008): I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST WITH THE FUTURE.
TAKE CARE
XX
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 February 2008):
You are a whole woman even if you are without a man.
I am glad and happy that events have moved to your satisfaction and that you can chart your own life and begin a new life with him, a better and more understanding partner.
You have restored your balance equilibrium in your marriage.This is the way to move forward.
Wishing you all the best in life!
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female
reader, tsarina +, writes (25 February 2008):
tsarina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell... soooo much has happened this weekend... I'm still in shock. Yesterday my soon to be ex went down on bended knee,said sorry for all the hurt and pain he had caused me, promised to never hurt me again and with tears streaming down his faced asked me to be his wife forever(This man does not cry - EVER) . He is prepared to work at our relationship, sharing everything, involving me in all decision making, and speaking up when necessary and, for the first time I believe him. I know that people can change because they want to and he went through a four hour 'coaching' session yesterday in order to arrive at this conclusion. As he put it "It was like someone opening the blinds and I saw the light". Whoever gave this guy coaching should get a medal - I have NEVER seen such a change of heart. Yes, he did beg me and admitted that he hoped he wasn't too late and had not lost me forever. This man truly loves me.. this I believe without a doubt. This painful experience has taught me so much in myself. Even before yesterday I had found renewed vigour and confidence in myself and know that I can succeed with or without someone in my life. Last week saw me make milestones on a personal level and this will continue. I will however tread carefully with my heart and can only have faith that through his commitment to us and our relationship, he becomes a better person - the person I fell in love with all those years ago. To all of you who gave me such undivided support, encouragement and faith in myself.... THANK YOU. I will keep this site as a reminder to have courage in the face of adversity . You guys really are angels!
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (19 February 2008):
I attempted to locate your laws on common law. Some areas have a mandated marriage after living together as a couple for a certain period of time. This may mean he'd be obligated to provide a certain level of support.
I just hate it when things like this happen to nice people. I stay single, as a choice, so I do get a bit frustrate when someone is with a partner that really loves them and they throw it away. With his attitude, be glad you're not going to be with him. I think you're over once the decision had been made. Sex with another doesn't validate the issue. If he's going to be there threatening you for sex, I'd involve law enforcement and cut his time being there a bit short. I'm not an ass with that, I'm against any form of abuse. This is a form of him manipulating you. I agree with others, it's great you haven't allowed him to damage too bad. The problem we have all over society is that all though not too bad, it still caused some. I don't know where people get off thinking that is at all OK or acceptable.
I know this is a hard time for you. I've lost someone in the past I loved as well, and somewhere a part of me still does. All though it was a difficult transition not having them around anymore, I bet I learned some of the greatest lessons, not just about relationships in general, but about myself because of the experience of loss. Keep yourself strong. It's not your fault. Take care.
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female
reader, tsarina +, writes (19 February 2008):
tsarina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, yesterday as I was reading all your comments, it dawned on me that there is a lot of good in this world. I went home on a high. thankyou all. this morning, I have slipped slightly but read your comments and advice again to cheer me on. How do you deal with the anger that is thrust at you time and again... he does this when he doesn't get his own way... then the threats come out again. No physical fear, its all phsycological damage that is being caused... ok, I got this one at about 2am this morning (wanted sex - r u kidding me?)! then the threat - "i think i will reconsider giving you x-amount to help you out over the next 3 months - don't F*&^ with me" PLUS "How would you feel if I had sex with another woman - it would mean that we are over"(does he NOT see that it is over alreadY) Any ideas anyone - he says he will move out before month end and has gone on a trip for 4 days (where maybe he'll get run over by a truck!)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): You have not passed your sell by date and I was pleased to note that you opened your letter by describing yourself as 'extremely attractive' and a 'kind soul', so actually, he has not succeeded in completing deleting your self esteem which is excellent. You still know your self worth because you are aware that you are attractive and have the quality of kindness. Kindness speaks volumes about people and right now the feeling that I am getting is that you are worth your weight in gold and he is simply a loser. Take your kind heart out there and give it so someone else who deserves it. Obviously protect yourself from other people like him too. You are successful and attractive and other people, female friends and male friends and admirers will tell you this, even if he never did. Regarding being past the sell by date, I don't like this phrase because I think beauty grows with age in a lot of cases and the combination of inner wisdom, maturity, kindness etc, combined with each individual's outward attractive features (and we're all different) is a potent mix, which would be attracting to the right (discerning, intelligent, decent, Man). He sounds insecure and I suspect he will be a lonely old man who will pick fault with anybody, no matter how nice they are. He sounds a bit like my ex partner actually, forever deflecting/detracting from, his own inadequacies by constantly criticising his partner. He may have put a few dents in our self esteem but you can punch those back out!!!!! You are the better person. He thinks the grass is greener...........let him go chew!! He's gonna get a shock!! Is he such a big perfect prize himself!!! Men like this really annoy me because they are living in a sort of juvenile fantasy. You are a real woman, with success and kindess - don't let anybody rob you off that. My warmest wishes to you xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Move on - he's not worth your time and energy worrying about. Why change to be something your not? If he didn't like you the way you were when you first met he wouldnt' have stayed with you. Dust yourself down, go out, meet new people, make new friends and start having fun again as by the sounds of it you didn't have much fun with the last guy
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female
reader, Capricorn71  +, writes (18 February 2008):
Breathe a big sigh of relief that you don't have to have your self esteem chipped away at any more. The best revenge is success. You are a smart, giving and successful woman. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get excited about how much better your life will be once you get your confidence back. You can do this!
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female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (18 February 2008):
If you are an extremely attractive and kind soul, why do you worry with a dead wood ?
There will be plenty of fresh and virile men who can replace him.
Do not let him destroy your spirit.Let no man tell you what to do or chain your spirit.
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female
reader, tsarina +, writes (18 February 2008):
tsarina is verified as being by the original poster of the questioncurrently live in south africa and have been for past 41 years
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): You have had a bloody lucky escape. You say you tried to change yourself for him!!! WHY??? You are who you are, so stop trying to change for some no good bloke! You helped him get on his feet and that is how he repays you. Just brush yourself down girl and get back out there. You are a career woman who has done well, you are a fantastic person, so what is wrong with you. Dont let this little shit put you down anymore. Walk tall with your head held high and forget him, put him out of your life forever. You are great.
take care
xx
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male
reader, wazwazy +, writes (18 February 2008):
 hey this is a tough situation so i think u should forget about him find some1 else if he dumped u its his mistake i say dont wrry cause you are still young enough to get new one just trust me everthing is gonna be alright
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): It sounds as though here, you two just aren't meant to be together, because he has so many faults with you. You shouldn't feel the need to change yourself to fit someone else's expectations - if he loved you that much, then he'd be able to look over your hang ups. Try not to get stressed about it, he's not worth the trouble if this is how he treats you. Just do your best to get over him, and show him what he's missing! Good luck :]
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): Rcn, if you move your mouse over it then it tells you :]
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (18 February 2008):
If you don't mind answering. Where exactely are you from? I couldn't tell the flag there. I'd like to know that so I can be as accurate as possible with your answer. Thank you
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