A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend looked through my phone and found a call that was a wrong number. He started to tell me that I had met with someone when he was out of town and I told him to just call the number back if he wanted. He called, threw the phone towards me and said it was "some guy". I called, asked who it was, explained that I had a missed call from that number and was trying to figure out who it was. When it was understood (again) that it was a wrong number, and I hung up the phone, my boyfriend started to tell me that I was only speaking to pretend that it was a wrong number and that he "knew" what I was doing while he was out of town. We have been together for a year and a half and his negative thoughts about me (that started with the excuse of "I need to know who you are, I need to know I can trust you") have never stopped. I don't spend any time knowing that I can feel safe and secure in the relationship because I am constantly defending the *NOTHINGS* that he tries to turn into something (my eyes looked left instead of right, I turned my head this way as we walk across a street, I have a wrong number on my phone, my facebook status (?!), my stomachaches, my headaches, not responding quickly enough when he asks me a question, getting defensive when he asks me if I have cheated on him, spilled food from lunch on my clothing, literally - anything). I have become ill because of his accusations and negative thoughts about me because "he needs to know he can trust me before he treats me well". I have learned to walk around and stare into nothing. I have not been able to properly use the washroom for months and have resorted to over the counter medicine to do so. I can not sleep well at night and when my phone rings and if I miss a call, my heart races because I know I will be accused.I have never cheated, I would never be unfaithful, I have never done anything that has indicated anything otherwise. Please, please help.
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female
reader, Starlights  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 Your boyfriend has serious self esteem and trust issues this is not something you can change out of him, he needs to want to change himself and get therapy or counselling.
This kind of negative behaviour can spiral out of control with him eventually hitting you.
I know because a similar thing happened to my good friend whereby her husband did not trust her and eventually this built up and he started to hit her at any opportunity!
dont stand for this, get out now if you can. You dont have kids and your not married. Look at the positives.
You deserve to be happy and people cannot change unless they get the right help for themselves first.
Hope this helps, goodluck.
A
female
reader, BlueBag +, writes (16 November 2009):
 I am so sorry you are being put through this horrible ordeal. I don't and I'm sure no-one who uses this site will agree with the way he is treating you. This is emotional abuse.
The stress you are putting on your body and physiological result it is having clearly shows something needs to change and fast. You cannot continue living this way when it is making you so ill. You need to get out as soon as you can because as the aunt below has stated, this behaviour will only get worse and may escalate into physical abuse.
Only YOU can make the decision to get out of this emotionally abusive relationship. We can all tell you what we think you should do but in the end, its you who has to put it into action.
No human should be controlled in this way. Gain your dignity back, leave him.
Be strong. You know what needs to be done. Keep us posted :)
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (16 November 2009):
 Listen, this sounds like a very very unhealthy relationship that you are in, and you need to consider leaving. If this is getting to the point where he is making you sick about things, then he isn't a caring or loving boyfriend, which is something that you deserve. This type of behavior is very controlling, and it isn't a very good indication for what the future holds for you two. Usually when men or women exhibit this type of behavior that he is, things will only get worse in terms of abuse, even to the point where it escalates to physical abuse. The thing about trust is that if your partner hasn't done anything wrong, then there is no reason not to trust them. If they haven't lied about anything and they are faithful, then why corner them about cheating?
At this point, the one thing I would suggest you do is sit him down and state that this behavior is getting ridiculous. It is costing you sleep and health, and if he continues to act as he does, then you are going to leave. End of story. You are your own human being and individual, and there is absolutely no reason why you have to answer to him like this. At all. If he starts demanding about stains or calls or numbers, just state you don't have to explain it to him and that he should trust you, because you haven't given him a reason to doubt you and just walk away. Don't bend to these demands, and definitely don't tolerate his insane accusations.
This behavior however is something that I don't think will change. It is radical and irrational, and it sounds like there is something wrong with him. I would definitely suggest getting out of the situation entirely, because things will most likely only get worse from here. Period. And you deserve your happiness and health just like him and everyone else. So please reconsider the relationship. Best of luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Another_Kapiti  +, writes (16 November 2009):
 I have two words for you: GET OUT...
Why are you still with this man? He sounds quite psychotic with jealousy! I don't know about you but jealousy and possessiveness make me want to run away!
Do you have a solid support system where you are? Close friends/family/co-workers? Even a help line for abused women could help you. This must be an awful emotionally draining way to live, but it sounds like you're just trying to survive. Hope to hear something positive from you soon. AK.
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