A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:I'm 15 going on 16 and I have almost never liked my mother, and today one of my close friends funeral was today and we had been talking about it all week and she told that I could go, but when I woke up this morning I asked her if I could still go to the funeral, and she said "no". The reason is because she had some were to go and I'm the oldest of 4 children and my 3 younger siblings father( I really can't stand him) had to work, and I hate the fact that every time I ask to go any where( which is not very often) I always have to put what I would like to do on the back burner for him or them. I feel like its not fair that I have to deal with responsibilities that aren't even mine. I always feel so hurt when she does this to me, I always curl up into a ball and cry to release my feelings.Do you think she's in the wrong, do you think I should get over it, or do you think I should really tell her how I feel? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2010): As much as you don't like it, I think her reasons are legitmate for you to stay home. It's sad to hear that you can't make it to your friend's funeral, but you are the eldest of the four kids. You do have responsiblities as being the eldest also. I do think it is important for you need to communicate your feelings to her, to let how know how you feel about the way she's treating you and what can be done about this. I mean attending to a friend's funeral is important, and I believe that she can make some adjustment to her schedule if you ask her politely (before hand).
A
female
reader, It's all be okay  +, writes (8 May 2010):
I think she is in the wrong.
If a close friend dies when you are only 15, then it is right to go to the funeral - both to show your respects to the family, for you to grieve your own feelings about losing your friend, and because when someone dies at that age, probably everyone you know would be at the funeral.
I do not know where your mother had to go - was it an emergency? I do not know why your mother could not take the other 3 kids with her. I do not know why your mother could not have asked a neighbour to look after the other 3 kids while you went to the funeral.
It could be that it was just too difficult for her on this occasion, and you had to do your duty to babysit, as you are the oldest (and obviously at 15, you should give something back to the household, and babysitting may be one of those things).
Or it could be that your mother is selfish and thoughtless and didn't care or understand how important it was for you to go to the funeral.
I expect you know the answer. Make sure that you are not overreacting today because you are upset about your friend. But if you are sure that this happens regularly, then you need some kind of solution.
If your mother is like this because she is thoughtless and selfish, talking to her probably won't help. Do you have any other adult (eg a friend's mother, or an aunty, or a teacher, or a priest) that you can talk to about your feelings?
Otherwise, you'll just have to grit your teeth and remember that you are nearly grown up, and soon you'll be able to leave and run your own life.
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A
female
reader, rainbowmaker +, writes (8 May 2010):
 I think its really a big shame that you didnt get to go to your friends funeral. I'm sorry for that.
Your mum may have had a very good reason for why she had to go out but the fact that she said you could go then changed her mind i think is a bit unfair on her part.
I think you should talk to your mum in a mature manner and ask her how she would feel if someone she knew had died and she didnt get to say goodbye!
At the same time, i know you didnt ask to be born first, you dont see the responsabilities as being yours but you are a family and you need to pull together. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (8 May 2010):
 I agree with parts of both previous posts: you are the oldest sibling, so you do have certain responsibilities, like becoming almost a babysitter if your mom needs to rush somewhere important. But at a good time (after you've cooled off), I would sit your mom down and calmly talk to her. Just tell her how you feel (in a calm manner, not whining, don't raise your voice). Just tell her that you really wanted to attend your close friend's funeral as it meant a lot to you. Just tell her how you feel so that she knows, if she doesn't already, and remember - speak calmly!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 It is unfortunate about the timing that she has somewhere to go . You should get over it and she can see your feelings and there is no need to tell her.
Being the eldest has it's responsibilities. You may not like it but the training will make you into a better person.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 May 2010):
 You could try talking to her- as long as you are respectful and mature about it. Like,no whining, no yelling,no accusing. After all, your mother may think, not unreasonably, that you all are part of the same family and there's nothing strange in expecting some cooperation in family matters from the oldest sibling. After all, thse kids are your brothers and what would you like your mom to do, hire a nanny so that she has never ever to disturb you asking your help ?
As in everything else, it is always a matter of balance- between fun and duties, freedom and responsibilities. I am sure you two can work something out.
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