A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a three-year relationship with a guy five years my senior. He's great in public, always kind to me, my family and friends plus very affectionate but behind closed doors it's like he's had a personality change. He treats me like dirt, forcing me to do all the chores while he watches TV plus whilst i've got a job he's unemployed. He takes money from my account and purse to spend on himself. We have a lot of arguments over stuff like this where he uses violence. He mainly uses his fist but has threatened me with tools around the house. He also tells me that i am lucky to have someone like him. Being treated like this has made me look for comfort elsewhere although i haven't had an affair yet. I have been mates with my gay guy friend for fifteen years and i am falling in love with him. He doesn't know about the treatment i am getting from my boyfriend (and nor do any of my other friends and family). I can't tell them because i know that they won't believe me and say that i am making things up. My mate doesn't know how i feel about him either. He's single after recently splitting up with a guy he's been going out with for nine years. I really don't know what to do. I feel as if i am stuck in a hole. Do i stay with my violent boyfriend (who, deep down, i love)? Do i have an affair with my mate (who's gay)? Or do i do none of those and stay single (although i hate the thought of being on the single scene again)? Please help.
View related questions:
affair, money, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, kievpatty  +, writes (24 July 2007):
Yes, you must muster all your strength and go. I was under the control of someone like that who I thought would change. I accepted it for a while because I thought I couldn't do any better (what was I thinking?). My mom had just died and I was living in Eurasia in the former Soviet Union, and I thought once we moved it would change. It was partly a cultural thing, and partly I married a psycho who was dreamy-cool when he was in public, but out of his mind sometimes. We moved to a country where he said he could work and didn't need a visa to live, and guess what? Same as you, he never did a lick of housework(unmanly-his balls would shrink or something), and ate up all the food, complained that there was nothing to do, and took my money, even after I had hidden it, just to go hang out in bars and discos after I returned home from work at night. And yes, he hit me on a number of occasions, called me "putanka" ("whore" in Russian), and tried to stop hitting me, but did other things like push me down by my head or twisting my fingers till I dropped to my knees. He even pawned my mobile phone! I was giving him nearly all my money and he did that, or he spent food money on going out. He did come back and stalk me at work and home more than a year after I bought him a plane ticket back to his country, but unfortunately I didn't get rid of him before he had cleaned out my bank account (yes, I trusted him with my access code, stupid me, but we were married!). On my birthday he told me he wanted a divorce (May), yet refused to leave until his visa-free period ran out (October). Said he was going to use me. So, I'm lucky he didn't kill me, but even now I worry. I must go back to his country for a divorce and I'm too afraid to do it. Never want to see him again. Good luck. Two years of hell was enough for me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2007): Please get out of the relationship! Violent boyfriends/husbands always become even more violent as time progresses. You could very well end up being beaten regularly, beaten viciously and possibly killed. There's no way to appease him - if you defy him he'll abuse you worse but if you obey him and act nice he'll keep pushing his abuse further. He sounds like a psychopath with the calculating way he changes his personality.
Be sure to have a fully thought out plan on when to move, when you know he'll be out so that you can hurry and pack and go to a safe place. Save money if you can and make a plan. In the meantime it's important to document all the physical abuse and verbal threats that take place, tell your friends and family, and have them take pictures of any bruises in case you need to go to the police. If you don't have anywhere to go you can check into a women's shelter before you transition to living someplace else.
The longer you stay with him, the more controlling he will get and the more dangerous it will be for you. It is better being single than being dead! Good luck to you.
...............................
A
male
reader, DV1  +, writes (21 July 2007):
 Get away from him. Pack your bags and move somewhere quickly. Drain your accounts and open new ones, and change your phone number.
DV1
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): I think you should get out of that horrible relationship! obviously he doesn't love you an you deserve someone much much better than that.
I do not think you should go with your gay friend he chose his sexual orientation for a reason and i think you should respect that. You should probably confide in him for help and well a shoulder to lean on , nothing else.
Take time to heal before you jump into any other relationship though.
...............................
A
female
reader, sxcbabiegal +, writes (20 July 2007):
 LEAVE HIM NOW!!! you shouldn't let this man treat you like this if he really loves you he wouldn't be hurting you get out of there while you still can you may think he won't do worse but if you let him get away with this he will ! get out while you still can find someone else stay with a friend to make sure this guy doesn't come near you and please let me know how it goes xx jodie xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): A healthy, mature long-lasting love is not supposed to be painful and hurtful, dear. Your bf is an abuser. No question about it. Many abusers are delightful, charming men in public. They treat their girlfriend with such affection, that people often think they "are the perfect couple." They save their cruelty for a private audience of one. Abuse destroys confidence. One of the most devastating effects of dating and/or living with an abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe, her self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. You are in an abusive relationship, and this will escalate. You are now finding the strength to fight back and acknowledge his abuse.and you know-you have to get out of there. This is not an easy thing for some women to do, especially as one's self-esteem is badly weakened. Abusers are sick people and they need professional help. They only feel good about themselves, when they can victimize someone. So we know he won't go-you feed his emotional neediness.
So..in order to stay safe from him, you will have to go and do it quickly before he does something that will put you dire danger. Another way is to bring the police in so you can remain where you are. But you will need to change your locks immediately. But it is time to live on your own. You need to heal from this. This will take time and some help. I suggest you seek counseling and do not date others until you are emotionally strong again and ready. Retain the friendship and support of your gay friend but I have to say, his sexual orientation will likely prevent him from having a love relationship with you. What you are about to undertake will be painful and it will be very difficult. Don't be intimidated. If you fear he will cause you harm, you are best to move away from him and not let anyone except trusted people where you are. Abusive men do often seek out their victim. Please take all the steps necessary to stay safe, dear. There are also safe houses (shelters) for women to seek, if you're especially in fear of your well-being.I would suggest that, for the first while until you feel confideent to go it on your own. Please be careful and seek counseling..but before you get into dating relationships...please remember that loving, goo quality relationships are based upon appreciation and affection and not fear, manipulation and hurtfulness. I wish you the best of luck and keepus posted on how you do. Good luck and please, be careful.
...............................
A
female
reader, bemused  +, writes (20 July 2007):
 Hi hun.
Excellent advice from the other three posts and I will just add mine two cents worth and say LEAVE...now. There is no other option. It is the only option based on the info in your post. Your heart and head seem to be all over the map right now because of the stress you are coping with...otherwise you would not be attracted to your gay friend.
The single life can be challenging it is true. You may be on your own for awhile and my thoughts are that you are thinking that you would be better to stay with a bad situation than to venture out into the unknown. Being on your own however will give you the time to heal from the nonsense you have endured in this situation and get your perspective back. You sound responsible and are employed so this is something you can certainly do. If leaving is your choice I would not give your new contact info to this guy. You want to stay safe.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): GET OUT!
He is treating you worse than a badly treated dog...
Thinking of having an affair will do you no good right now plus he is gay love and probably loves you to bits as a mate, The only reason you have fallen for him is because your husband is such a nob. your mate is male company and he treats you with respect. dont make the same mistake I made and not tell anyone I no how hard it is I had to go through terrible times to proove what he was like as he to was a charmer to everyone else... cant you call the police when he starts... Really hunny you need to get out, have a real heart to heart with your friend without the love bit and if you are that close he should have no doubt but to believe you, he may help you out love. PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOU LOTS OF LOVE MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
...............................
A
female
reader, marj +, writes (20 July 2007):
 Get out of this now. Leave before he really hurts you. There is no excuse in the world for a man who uses violence to control a woman. The gay friend is that a friend, stay single be proud of who you are and get back to a life free of a violent man. You are the strong one remember it and you will be happy.
...............................
A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (20 July 2007):
 This guy is treating you like c**p, he is walking all over you, threatening you with his fists, and tools. Well for your own safty my advice would be to pack your things up and leave this Jeckyl & Hyde character before he does some serious damage to you.
On top of all that he is unemployed, you go out to work, so ultimately you are keeping him, and he expects you to do all the housework and pay all the bills while he sits on his backside changing channels.
Honestly you are better off being single than to put up with the abuse from this guy. And don't be affraid to confide in friends and family, and problem shared is a problem halved, you are not alone.
Invariably people like this never change, they always say they have, untill the next time they raise their fists in a rage.
Hit the single scene and in time you will find a guy who treats you with the love and respect that you so rightly deserve.
All the best of luck x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2007): it's hard but you have to leave! it will only get worse if you don't. You don't deserve to be treated like this you desver better.
...............................
A
female
reader, penta +, writes (20 July 2007):
 So my choices to advice you are to (1) stay with an abuser, (2) try to date a gay man, or (3) be single.
There's no choice. 3! 3! 3!
Treat yourself like a girlfriend and give her advice. If her boyfriend hit her, even once, stole money from her and treated her like a house slave, would you tell her to suck it up? NO! You'd tell her to run like her ass was on fire.
And the gay guy is NEVER going to be interested in you that way.
Please leave this guy. Stay single (date no one) until you're comfortable in your own skin. Confidence is sexy. When you have that again, you'll attract the right guy with no effort, believe me.
...............................
A
female
reader, 88jane +, writes (20 July 2007):
 ok hunni--first things first----get out of the relationship with your violent boyfriend! please dont live with someone who hurts you not only physically but emotionally aswell! do you really think that he loves you when he treats you this way? thats probably hard to hear i know but you really have to think whats best for you! do you want to live the rest of your life with someone that hurts you so much? you are not lucky to have someone like him-you are very unlucky and i urge you to end this relationship! you could contact organisations for advice about domestic violoence but i think you are better off without him! as for your gay friend, i dont think this is going to go any further--hes not only gay but he is a friend that has just finished with his boyfriend and will need your support! youve been looking for male company that isnt violent and thats why i belive you think you love him! i think you love him as a friend and i think telling him you love him is a mistake! although i do think it would be helpful to tell him about your violent relationship as he will be there to offer you support regardless of your decision about your future!
i think your best bet is to be single and have some fun! whatever you do, do not let your violent boyfriend run your life and hurt you so much! please realise that he is not worth it!
good luck hunni, i really hope that everything goes well for you!! xxx
...............................
|
