A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, please help. My boyfriend and I have been going out for approximately 3 months.. I have a history of mental problems, such as depression, anorexia, emetophobia/severe OCD, and have always had a problem talking to boys. I would not even so much as converse with the opposite sex; I could never think of anything to say, and they would scare me to death, and for some reason when one would start liking me, something weird would happen. I would start liking him back, and instead of doing what most people do---being kinda shy and nervous at the beginning of a relationship, but getting more open and comfortable as it progresses---I would do the exact opposite. Even if I had been best friends with him before, as soon as he would start liking me and vice versa, my voice would suddenly be lost..and I felt like I lost myself..and the boy would lose interest..Well, this boy and I weren't friends before the relationship. He'd asked me to the dance, I found out he liked me, and he said we should do something. So at that point I'd had no feelings for him really, and I remember thinking to myself mentally /because I don't really like him anyway, I've really got nothing to lose if he doesn't happen to like me, so I might as well be myself/. I was, and it was a success. He really liked me, and I felt very emotionally connected with a boy for the first time in my life....Tonight we went out under the stars, and like most other nights after the first few I got to know him, things are feeling more and more off. After every date I'm emotionally tense and drained, and extremely depressed. What's happening with all the other boys, is happening with this one too. Things had been so great when we'd first met, and while it only should have gotten better, instead of growing more comfortable with him, I've begun shying away the more and more I like him. Tonight was almost complete silence between us, almost unbearable to me. There were so many times I'd wanted say something---something I'd usually say around friends---something I would have easily said to him in the beginning of the relationship---but it just...wouldn't come out. I must have said only a good 2/7 of what had been on my mind. I feel like I just have this problem of shutting down emotionally (I don't know if this has anything to do with being best friends with this boy along time ago, and him making me do physical things with him that I didn't want to?). I can't take it. I really don't feel like it's his fault at all though, just mine. I just have problems opening up..After tonight I've seriously considered perhaps ending it with him, because of this issue, or maybe at least bringing it up or something. Problem is though, I still really like him, and I'd miss him like crazy, I just can't talk to him. I talked to the only person I could about it, a few minutes ago, and they told me to sleep on it---to not do anything rash---and that the thing is, I kind of need this boyfriend to teach me to open up to boys.But it's wearing me down. What's wrong with me? I feel so worthless when I come home from seeing him, when I can't just be myself around him anymore, even though he hasn't changed since the day I met him. And it doesn't help how wonderful, sweet, non-pushy, attractive, funny, and smart he is..I'm getting extremely depressed again partly because of it, and am beginning to experience bad thoughts like I have in the past...What should I do?...Please, please help....
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anorexic, best friend, depressed, mental problems, shy Reply to this Question
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female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 Hi Hunny
You have alot to deal with depression, anorexia Ive been there and with the o.c.d.. And all this was down to me not being able to control the siuation I was in hunny this is when it all started slowly at first untill before I new it it was so bad I was in hospital. You mention "I don't know if this has anything to do with being best friends with this boy along time ago, and him making me do physical things with him that I didn't want to?)
This is an out of control situation love..Also are you scared of being hurt so do you mentally pull away before this could happen? You have said alot of things here that I myself have been through, It took awhile hunny but I got better..It would take an age to go through everything sweetheart..If this is how you feel when like this then I understand, One minute everything is fine you are happy and looking forward to your day and your time with your guy, Then all of a sudden without warning you start to feel butterflies and feelings of being uncertain you clam up you cant understand yourself as nothing has changed but you...You panic and then everything start to get you down and so all the illness starts to creep up and your going backwards again..It a circle that needs to be broken slowly..one step at a time. Ive got to get ready for work love Id like to speak more so if you want please message me..YOU CAN GET BETTER PLEASE TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (22 August 2008):
Write it all down in a note and then hand it to him.
Tell him as much as you want to about your past but all he really needs to know is that you have problems and it's getting worse when you are around him.
If you were a lung cancer patient and you got over your tumours, I wouldn't advise you to go and learn to hang out in smokey bars.
If boys are making this worse then don't have them around. You don't NEED a boyfriend at your age. You've been really lucky in having so many boys like you.
You'll probably get over all your problems when you hit your late teens / early 20s as you won't have so many hormones making the problem worse. I don't mean to sound patronising, but the difference between you now and you in your 20's is going to be dramatic and it's that time that normally sorts people out.
Talk to boys and have them as friends but don't have a boyfriend if they are going to cause you problems.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, BendychickP  +, writes (22 August 2008):
 I think you need to see a counsillor about you mental health. Obviously this is affecting your ability to open up to people and this could prevent a relationship from turning into something more serious. It's good that you recognize that there is a problem. Try talking to him over the phone for short amounts of time, or shortening dates to only a couple of hours long. Don't break up with this guy because of this, just rethink your strategy about how to handle relationships. Please see a counsillor about your problems though, this could lead to something worse happening to you.Best wishes,Bendy xx
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