A
female
age
41-50,
*heater32
writes:Hello all Iposted before and received so much great information. I have something I would like everyone's thoughts on. I ended an affair of 2 years this weekend and I'm feeling upset about it I almost feel depressed. I'm married for 14 years and have a great family but why am I so bored with my life I believe the affair was just something fun to do I no how wrong itis. The amount of pain it would cause my husband not to mention our 4 kids. I love my husband so why am I always looking for the next best thing?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2008): Respect.
Instead of being bored (which takes no effort---and when someone says they are bored, that means they are putting no effort in to focusing on improving their situation), realize that marriage takes effort (we all know this).
How can you make an effort in your marriage? What can you do to bring out the old husband? What things did he do then that made him happy? Can you help him get to a point where he can feel those happy feelings again? What about you? Are you the person he fell in love with? Maybe he is just as bored with you? Are you the vivacious, interested person you used to be with him?
When you focus outside the relationship to fulfill your happiness, you're doomed. Your husband deserves your attention and love (a warm dinner when he isn't expecting it, a warm tub when he comes home, a surprise date to his favorite place, a golf lesson present for no reason---something that shows your appreciation by thinking about what makes HIM happy---not what makes you happy). When you both are concerned about making the other happy---it works.
A
female
reader, the married woman +, writes (3 November 2008):
have an affair with your husband...
all of the effort that you put into your affair needs to be refocused to your husband. leave him love notes on the tissue if you are the one that leaves out first in the morning. Mail him a note card to his job with an appt for a date at a restaurant for after work and have plans for the children so that they aren't in the way. dont drive to the restaurant together meet up there. take and extended lunch and meet up with him unexpectantly or make a lunch date. you'd be surprised at how of you don't know about your husband. Tell your husband something about you that you may not think he knows. I bet he doesnt know that you like to have sex in crazy places. tell him... Ask your husband to tell you something that you don't know about him. trust me with this one. Ive married for 15 years and still don't know my husband.
try having a conversation that doesn't involve the kids or bills. SUPER HARD...but try it. give your husband a massage. flirt with him. dress seductive while walking around the house. it doesn't have to be revealing cuz you have kids. but put on some short shorts and tight tank. you'll be surprised. Sometimes we get so tied up with the mommy role that we loose our sexiness. bring sexy back. I have 4 children, I workout often to maintain my coca cola shape and trust me honey, the world knows that I look good.
I am always dressed in something sexy...respectful...yet sexy. when I tell people that I have 4 children they think that I am lying and says no mother of 4 would dress that way. You are soooo jazzy. make your husband wanta attack you in the car. when you go out to dinner sit side by side instead of across from each other. girl it sounds like you have a great marriage and a good man. You better work it before he's gone. And who knows he might be just as bored as you are. So you shouldn't be doing anything that you don't want him doing.
good luck
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A
female
reader, Deema  +, writes (2 November 2008):
 Try spicing up your life - in every way - and see if that helps. If you are truly happy with your husband and not out of love with him, very small things can put you back on track. It may be your life is empty apart from your family. Ask yourself what you really want to do in life and make small steps towards it. Maybe you are bored generally, and something like this just fills the hole inside for the time being. Trouble is it doesnt last, whereas something that will move you on out of your rut and help you feel fulfilled, will. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (2 November 2008):
As you say yourself, I think it was purely the excitement factor that draws you into doing this. The same reason that very rich people get caught shop lifting.
So rather than having any more affairs or going out stealing from shops I think you should have a look at your life and figure out how to inject some excitement.
Why not have a look out for one of these charity holiday things?
You go out and do lots of sponsored things, singing in front of supermarkets, abseils down the town hall, that kind of thing. Then once you have raised a few grand then you go off and you walk through the andes or cycle the great wall of china.
Either that or just do something new and crazy. Learn to fly and get a pilot's license. Do a parachute jump. Set up a new business making cushions and book a christmas craft fair stall to sell them on.
Take your husband and do something that makes you feel alive in your marriage.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
female
reader, Cheater32 +, writes (2 November 2008):
Cheater32 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks so much. Yeah I just think that after 14 years I'm comfortable we have our kids and a life. When I was having this affair we would sneak around have wild sex in the staircase at work it was fun and its so addictive. I'm afraid though that I'm not attracted to my husband like I used to be. THis worries me
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A
female
reader, Basschick  +, writes (2 November 2008):
 Let's analyze what attracted you to your husband, and the whole concept of marriage in the first place. Was it the comfort factor, knowing you were no longer alone? Or did your man used to have plenty of sex appeal and you're just taking him for granted. Also how does he treat you now 14 years later? Does he make an effort to tell you how sexy you are, or do you feel like you've become part of the furniture?...Many women marry for the comfort factor, and grossly underestimate the imporance of sexual attraction. Hence, boredom quickly sets in. Also women you have children often miss being able to think about themsevles; they are so busy taking care of the family they began to shrink. Then one day an attractive man notices them and boom, they suddenly remember they are a woman again, not just a mommy and a wife. You were probably wise to end the affair. Otherwise you will just mask over the things that really need to be dealt with. Your marriage might just need a kick in the butt. Women rarely have random affairs, they are usually looking for something that is missing. Figure out what's missing in your marriage and you're less likely to stray again and more apt to be happy at home. I wish you the best.
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