A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I feel so confused... Iv been with my boyfriend for 6 years now, and he was my first love, i was his. It feels so right and we both are very much in love. We started dating from when we were at school, i was always quite shy and he was loud..and were known to be the 'hottest couple',i was known to be 'beautiful'...However, in the last few yrs i developed this skin condition which turns parts of my skin completely white... my natural skin colours sort of olive toned so there is a patches of skin with big difference in the tones in certain areas. it looks very disfiguring and strange and unattractive. There is no cure. I used to feel so scared in telling anyone, especially my bf. At first it was only in areas that were not visible so i didnt tell anyone. Now its affected my arms, etc so i had to tell my bf. he still hasnt seen it openly, and i always wer clothes that cover these areas, eg long sleeved tops evn in summer and trousers down to my ankles always. i feel so ugly. i hate it when im outside and guys stare at me..not coz of the condition because its still not anywhere visible (yet), but they shout things like ohh ur hot, etc or even people that know me keep sayin im so pretty...when in reality only i kno that really i am not. i am anything but. I am ill. I have a disease. I am no longer normal..I am no longer beautiful...I hate girls tellin me im so lucky to have everything, to have the looks, when inside all im thinkin is that id kill to be you.i still live at home with my parents, and have managed to keep it hidden from them too. i live in fear that one day it will be on my face or my hands or feet and everyone will know. My boyfrends has been really supportive. When i first told him i gave him the option to leave me. He doesnt deserve this. He hates it when i say this, and says im beautiful no matter what and that he will never ever leave me. When were getting intimate, its not how it use to be.. i use to be really confident, and now I need the lights to be off. Again, my bf is happy for this until i am comfortable. I dont know what to do, am i horrible for not letting him free to be with someone who he can go to the beach with, and be proud to say thats my girl?i kno he says he wants to stay but maybe its my duty to say no he must get with someone who can offer much more than i can? I know he really does love me because when we do have arguements about other things and i want to leave him, he really fights to keep me. I really love him so much and i know if i leave him then i will never find anyone or be happy ever again. Is it really possible to love someone that much to be able to look past this? to love someone you need to find them beautiful, there needs to be physical attraction..and even i cant find myself beautiful, so i cant understand how he can? I have explained to him the areas that are affected and the extent...but he has never actually seen it all bare. Maybe thats why he is ok with it... What if he leaves me when it comes to my face? I know it all sounds confusing, but i dont know exactly what i feel.. i guess i just want to know what you normal people out there think...and if you would stick by someone knowing this, and knowing the clock is tickin until the day its everywhere...
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male
reader, MSHaegis  +, writes (21 February 2011):
Okay as far as you not thinking your beautiful you relay waaaay to much on your looks to get by. And think about this...if your boyfriend had the same condition would you stay with him? you still love him even if he had white blotches and patches on his skin?
Beauty is not skin deep.
-AEgiS
A
female
reader, HurtandUnsure +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I agree with everyone else who has already responded to your post, anyone would be crazy to leave you. From the description of your skin condition, it sound like you have vitiligo. My brother had it, his knuckles, elbows, and knees were affected. Im not sure about there not being a cure, Ive heard there is. But there are definitely products to slow the process. Talk to your dermatologist about it, and don't be scared of telling your parents. Hope all works out well.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): Well for a start. You are normal. If the only 'normal' people were ones with absolutely nothing wrong, there wouldnt be many normal people around. You dont mention the name of your condition but some skin conditions appear and disappear on their own, so you may have something that will clear up in time. A friend had something like that a few years ago. Whole areas of her back and abdomen were covered in white patches that spread. It worried her and the doctor said there wasnt anything they could do about it. But the patches went of their own accord over a couple of years. If your boyfriend loves you and wants to be with you, why would you push him away or encourage him to think about being with someone else? Dont do that to yourself or him. It wont help or make you feel any better if you are torturing yourself with ideas that he shouldnt be with you. The majority of guys really arent that shallow! If he says he loves you no matter what and he wants to be with you. You can take that to the bank, so stop driving him away and making yourself miserable. Im currently having private treatment for a skin condition with The Sk:n Clinic. They specialise in skin conditions. The NHS used to refer patients to them for some treatments before they started making cuts. You could try a free consultation with them and see if they offer any treatments or can teach you camouflage techniques.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): You have every right to be cautious about your skin condition, because we live in a cruel, shallow world, but consider this: if your boyfriend was the kind of person who would leave you for your skin condition, he would leave you eventually *no matter what*.
But, if he's a decent person, then he won't leave you for your condition. He will love your body and your skin (yes, LOVE) just like he loves your soul. Again, *no matter what*
Mi point is: hiding or showing your skin now *won't make a difference in the long run*. You're delaying the inevitable. And that COULD be good, in which case you want it to happen as soon as possible!
However, what DOES make a difference is if you keep pushing him away.
See, from his perspective, you're the one who's pulling away. You're putting barriers for intimacy, you're bringing up the topic of breakup. It's understandable, because rejection is something everyone fears, especially if you're not used to it. But really, "offering" him a breakup doesn't help! He fought to keep you: he proved his love, and you're making him feel it wasn't enough. I know it's hard to see it this way because you genuinely need a lot of support, but just avoiding the subject for a while will go a long way towards keeping him happy so that HE makes you happier in the long run.
You need to work on yourself first anyway. You'll be "different" for the rest of your life, and your boyfriend might not be the worst of your issues. Think a lot and be prepared for the bad things some people will make you go through. Grow stronger and remember the OTHER qualities that made you the girl of his dreams. You won't lose them!
Anyway, I think you should come out to your parents first, because they probably won't leave you for it. They will be your first test. It will make it easier for you to face your boyfriend.
And to answer your question: I think he WILL stay with you! Take that leap of faith, and you'll have proven that LOVE CONQUERS ALL.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 You are quite wrong. No matter what happens, you are still beautiful. Beauty penetrates mere flesh until all can see it. So what if it reaches your face? There are worse things to bare in life than a simple discolouration. You should still believe everyone when they tell you that you are beautiful because none of them are lying and you have absolutely no reason to doubt yourself. We all have imperfections, some are more dire than others and yours is not so terrible. If you wish to test the strength of your boyfriend's love for you, show him. If he runs and hides than you know you deserve far better and not for one second should you doubt those words. You DO deserve someone who will be sweet to you, someone who treats you like your boyfriend is treating you now and if he is decent he will love you even if you show him the rest of your skin. It is after all, only skin. And you are wrong to say that you need to beautiful to fall in love. Love makes you beautiful, physical attraction itself leads to lust more often than love.
I had a friend who (when I first met her) I thought was someone I would never be with in a million years, I was only eleven and I had just started school. She had a large nose and discolouration in her teeth, she had awful hair and a narrow face but she was one of the sweetest and funniest girls I had ever met and I fell in love with her and suddenly what I thought were flaws did not seem so bad, in fact, they were cute. Those 'flaws' were completely irrelevant and I cannot explain it any better because you have to feel it for yourself and I think now is the time to see whether or not your boyfriend carries the same love for you.
Love is about personality and the romance born from the heart, no more and certainly no less. Stop worrying about what people see on the outside of you and start trying to show them what beauty lies inside, if they can find beauty there, they will not care about the surface.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, lija30 +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Why would you even question that???? unless you are hiding the condition you have. If he met you the way you are and accepted you then why do you even worry about this. So either he doesn't know or you got more secrets to come out??? Which is it? If he loved you when he met you then why are bothered by this? Um hello he don't want nobody else..but if you keep acting weird he will find somebody else.....Just be open about your condition and get over it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2011): I hope your bf really does love you, you have already loved each other for 6 yrs. If you're happy anyone who leaves that is crazy imo. At the end of your life the love you share is all that matters. If he does love you this won't matter to him.
Are you sure this condition is really as bad as you think? I'm sure you're still beautiful anyway. Just let him see you as you are and get used to it.
Take care.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (4 January 2011):
 I can't say what he'll do. Some people will be supportive for a little while, then leave (there was a similar but gender-flipped question a while back suggesting that).
What I can do is tell you about a friend of mine. This girl, call her Alice, had naturally dark brown skin. Very cute bone structure, nice body. Before I met her, she had suffered some burns and lost a finger in an accident. The burns were pale, and visible on her throat, hands, arms, part of her face... maybe more of her, but I never saw more. Apparently, there had been some damage to her throat, giving it a raspy sound.
In the years since I've known her, she's had two long-term boyfriends who were decent, good-looking, fun guys who cared about her very much. She was confident and fun to be around. The idea of pity never came up - she acted completely normal, with neither the "oh poor me" or the "don't you dare pity me" attitude. Good drinking buddy, too. Once she tried to tell me she had "this many" shots for her birthday, holding up both hands. I blinked, she laughed, and said, "Nine, not ten."
Point is, yes, some romantic doors were closed to her, but not all of them. She had a happy love life, and a happy life in general.
In more general terms, physical attraction and love are mutually reinforcing. It does not go just one way or the other. Being physically attracted to someone helps you fall in love, but being in love makes you more physically attracted. If your boyfriend sees the marks and says you are beautiful, the worst possible thing you could do would be to doubt him. He wants to be the man for the girl he cares about, and telling him you doubt his word would be insulting him for it. And don't leave him preemptively - he's a grown man, if he's going to leave you, he's not "trapped" in any way.
Won't lie to you, though - he may leave. That was possible even before this happened. If he does leave you, you won't be condemned to a life of loneliness. Other men may meet you and care about you; you might care about them, too.
The more important issue to address is how *you* feel about you. If your self-worth is all tied up in your looks, then yes, this is tragic. But most people are more than that. Doubt is normal. Learn to accept doubt as a part of life. Live life anyway. Consider what you have to offer, to be thankful for, and to be proud of - and remind yourself of them every day.
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