A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I need some good advice on how to deal with my own thoughts. Last night my fiancé asked me what kind of protection I would use before with my ex girlfriends. I told her I always used condoms. Right now my fiancé is on birth control. So she is the first woman that I have ever gone bareback with and the first woman I have ever ejaculated with while still inside her. Without using a condom.So I asked her and she said she used condoms too except with her last ex boyfriend. She was on birth control with him also. I already knew this because she didn't seem like it was the first time she had used birth control with me. It seemed like she knew what she was doing. My problem is I can't stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking that some other guy has cum inside my girl without any protection. Not once but dozens maybe hundreds of times. Each time his stuff inside my girl. It grosses me out. I realize I wasn't a virgin either but i always had a condom on before. Am I wrong for feeling this way?When she told me she had been on birth control I stayed pretty quiet for a while. I could tell she felt bad, but she didn't say anything she knew I was thinking about it, all she said was, "baby...stop, please." I wish she would have said something like, "I regret it," or not even that but maybe "it feels so much more special with you," or "if I wouldve known I was going to be with you I wouldn't have or wouldve waited to get on birth control with you."I realize a lot of women are on birth control and there's nothing wrong with that but I can't help but feel like it's not fair? That she's experienced that with another guy and I haven't with another girl...Help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): I'm glad you are not hating your two step daughters even though they are walking talking proof of your wifes encounter with another man. Obviously if my girl had two kids with her when we met I wouldn't hold that against her either.
I am perfectly capable of thinking in the abstract and understand how there was no possible way of her forseeing one day I was coming. Just as if for some reason, God forbid, we didn't work out, and the next girl I am with gets pissed at me for not using condoms with her would be illogical.
I realize it hurt her to to know what I was thinking. And you are wrong in your assumption that her feelings aren't my primary concern. However, the reason I was ultimately pushing to elimate my thoughts firsthand was so that I wouldn't keep dwelling on them and thereby keep hurting her. I was not going to be dishonest with her when she asked. And I am never going to cover up my thoughts or feelings with her. Ever. She will always get nothing but the truth from me. However, once I realize that my thoughts are hurting her, then yes; I will take action to change that. Which is why I came on this site. Out of concern for my thoughts hurting her? Can you understand that?
I see that you are being confrontational in an attempt to get me to realize just how offset my train of thought was. And for your general attempt to help me I appreciate it. But I wasn't looking for an easy way out. There are plenty of other posters that were blunt with me, straightforward, and didn't give me a pass. But, they weren't cracking jokes at my expense either.
Maybe how I thought made no sense to you whatsoever; but there were plently of people who at least could see how I could have those thoughts. And they too helped me realize the error of my ways but not in the condescending manner you did.
At the end of the day, I realized how wrong my thoughts were. I am so grateful to have her in my life, no matter what her past was. And these thoughts won't have a hold of me again thanks to everyone who posted here. Including you Q. But I can see that the caustic humor and sharp comments and analogies are a part of your personality and therefore come out naturally in your responses.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): clap clap clap clap...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): I'm not really one for caustic humor. It has it's moments but I thought this was a website to help people. Not crack jokes at their expense. That being said; it was very helpful overall.
Q, you're entitled to your opinion. And in the end I guess you are right. It was dumb of me to think of things in those terms. Just not too fond of how you make your points. Either way, if I don't like I don't have to read it.
Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, ElectricSheep +, writes (12 March 2010):
 I hope you're feeling better about this now =)
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 March 2010):
 Most of the time, usually, quite often, but "ALWAYS"...not so sure
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): q1605,
where do I start? I wasn't expecting her to anticipate my arrival. I'm just being honest about what goes through my head sometimes. It's more of a feeling that I love her so much I wish she wouldn't have gone through that with any guy before me. I didn't ejaculate inside any woman prior to her because I was waiting for the woman I married. Sounds silly? Maybe. Honestly, I don't care if that's silly to you. It means something to me. I told her she was the first women I had unprotected sex with because she asked me. Maybe it's old fashioned, or weird to you but it has value to me.
All I was relating to the other people on this website was advice on how to get over my own thoughts on this issue. Part of me wishes she had done the same, but I would never hold her accountable for it or punish her for it. It did make her sad when she found out that I hadn't. But she asked. I was only being honest with her.
All these other posters understand where I was coming from and made me realize that it is silly to think like that. That's all I wanted. Someone to give me insight as to why I shouldn't think like that. The last example of a kiss was a perfect example. And that actually helped.
The comment about calling your mother and and being upset because she gave birth to your sister first made no sense. And your significant other had sex with you, I'm guessing, and the result is your child? It was still with you.
One of the posters had it right. I just thought about it too much because I hated thinking of some guy all over her before me. And it blew out of porportion.
Also, just so you know I am all about respecting women. I realize this is something she can't change and I'm not upset with her about it. I simply told her how much I hated the thought of it. Looking back, yes it hurt her. And I regret that. And thanks to all the other posters I won't be making the same mistake again.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): i think you are being unreasonable and you are going to lose something good if you dont get a grip on this. however i would tell you that a mans cum lasts from 2-7 days. 7 is the longest i found anywhere, and it is all flushed out by her next menstrual flow if not before. sigh. hope this helps your feelings, mal
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): I'm the poster...
Thanks to all. I think you are right. I need to just not think of it. Just force my mind to think of something else.
I guess somehow in my mind I thought of that guys stuff being in there where mine is and it just grossed me out. I know that's illogical I just needed to hear someone reassure me that all that stuff is cleaned out and in the past. I never meant for her to feel badly about it. Honest.
I will stop dwelling on it and be grateful for what I have. Thanks so much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): It does kinda suck to be honest with you, my girlfriend has gone bare with an ex just once before, yet she refuses to go bare until we get married. All I can say is to try to suck it up and not worry about it, in fact, that is about the only thing you can do.
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A
female
reader, AuntSarah  +, writes (11 March 2010):
You really can't expect your girlfriend to feel bad about this, i think you know deep down that she hasn't done anything wrong. I can understand where you're coming from but you need to accept that what's done is done if you want to carry on seeing your girl without feeling bad. Yes she's had another guy cum in her but it's not like it's still in there! The body cleans itself, there will be no remnant of him still inside your girlfriend, none whatsoever. Besides, the most important thing is that he's not still in her head. They broke up so clearly they weren't good together, and it sounds like you two have a good thing. Please don't ruin it.
You say you don't like that she's experienced sex without a condom with another guy but you haven't with another girl- girls can't really feel whether or not the guy has a condom on anyway so it's no different to all the times she's had sex with a condom. If you're thinking you've missed out on experiences you still want to have, then you might want to think about whether you want to be in a relationship. If you do still want to be with her, know that she is clean, she is all yours, and what's in the past just deserves to be forgotten.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 March 2010):
 I suggest you do the following:
- Decide that you want to stop this bothering you. Enough is enough
- That means you make an agreement with yourself to stop thinking about it
- Then, every time you find yourself thinking about it, distract yourself by thinking about something else. Not easy, but possible. Anything else is ok (not to do with your girlfriend)
- Over time it should get easier. Eventually you'll wonder what all the fuss was about
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): I am the author of the question.
First, I didn't choose the title. I guess whoever choose it kind of gave me an answer themselves. It is partly accurate but not that simple.
To the first poster, you are right. In all your post. I guess there is nothing I can do about it, hence pretty pointless to be obsessing over it. I guess she might have felt dirty and I wasn't trying to make it seem like that at the time. She was probably hurt by what I said and that's why she didn't reassure me. All this happened last night and this morning she woke up almost crying saying she had a bad dream where I left her. But when I asked why I left her in the dream she didn't want to give details. (maybe what we talked about last night?)
to the second poster, regret was a harsh word. I wouldn't want her to regret her past completely. I understand relationships make us who we are. It was a badly choosen word. All I was trying to say was I wish she wouldve said something like, "I wish I wouldve met you first and didn't have to experience that with another man before you." is that selfish? Maybe a little. And she is doing the same thing with me but because we are engaged. And I have never done that with another woman. So surely you can partly understand where I am coming from?
To caring guy, I guess some guys are different than others. What bothers me obviously doesn't bother you. I wish I could be like you and not care about that but I do. I don't think it's a basis to end my relationship but I'm just looking for advice on how to deal with it. Or maybe someone give me a different perspective?
I'm not trying to be difficult just hoping for some insight...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 March 2010):
You might as well end the relationship right now if you think it's not fair. My girlfriend was married, so didn't use a condom. It has never affected me. If it affecting you, and you think it's not fair, then end it now.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (11 March 2010):
 You cant control her past, whats happened has gone. If you use a condom or not, your still having sex.
She is with you now, not her ex so focus on the relationship and let go of those worries you have it will only hold you back from taking the relationship further.
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A
female
reader, ElectricSheep +, writes (11 March 2010):
If the thought of other guys' cum inside her grosses you out, well, don't! Her body flushed those out a long time ago. And she's with you now. Obviously the other guys weren't good enough for her, and now she's with you. She loves you, aren't you two engaged?! I'm sure she must be thinking, "it's more special with you. I wish I had waited until I was with you" and all those other things you want her to think.
It's her choice whether she wants to go on the pill, use a condom, or whatever other way. Don't make her feel bad, or yourself about it.
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A
female
reader, jaime90  +, writes (11 March 2010):
 It was her boyfriend.. it would be different if it was some random guy but she obviously thought he was worth it.
Word of advice - don't ask her anymore about it. DONT ask how many times, where etc trust me my boyfriend is EXACTLY the same as you, it was so bad he would ask so many details and it has only started to get better as i stopped giving him things to obsess over!
its natural to wish our partners only be with us.. but she isn't at fault for it. its good that you care about her that much, but don't make her feel bad about it. if you want to bring it up with her make sure you don't attack her.
now my bf hardly ever asks about sexual past, he doesn't start fights about it, maybe in your case it will be a matter of time and you will also come to terms with it. it has only been one day, give yourself some time to process your own thoughts
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2010): I totally understand how you feel- I was just browsing this site on my phone and I was so moved by this I just had to post! So excuse the spelling!
I have the same issue with my bf. I am a virgin and thinking about sex and also on birth control but my bf is not a virgin and has cum inside oher women before.
I too was jealous at first but you really just have to get over it. Yes she experienced this with another guy but you also had sex with other girls so its not so fair that you make her feel bad aboutthis. She cannot go back and change things so there is no point dwelling on it.
There are only two things you can do and that's
1. Get over it. If you live your girl then you shouldn't let it get to you. Just enjoy the fact that you armaking love to and coming inside someone you love.
2. Leave. If this is too much to handle then just leave and stop making her feel bad. She can't do anything about the fact- she can't change it and it would be terrible if you asked sullen and pissed off each time you had sex
Good luck!
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