A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok so I've been with my partner for 8 years, just recently got engaged.His best friend used to make my life hell but I dealt with it.His previous girlfriend would flaunt herself all over my boyfriend and I would spend night after night crying because he never saw the problem. His best friend used to tell me stories about my boyfriends past and introduce girls to him and make me feel terrible.I was always left behind in every situation, Time went on and I managed to deal with it as we got closer and started seeing less of the friend, of course he is still around though.He embarrassed me at our engagement party but in his speech saying "as long as he is happy. Am happy" it's not about him!He has a new girlfriend who isn't as bad but I can't let the past go, he just flaunts his gfs around and makes a threesome of them and I'm stuck on my own.My partner thinks because of the past I distance myself, but everyone else makes an effort with me so its not all me just because I'm a quiet person.Worst part is, they've been so close since they were kids I don't wan him to lose this friendship, and my partner wants him to be best man at our wedding.How can I be ok with that? I see him disrespecting me at the bucks night, and how can he play such an important role in our wedding when he doesn't support us or respect me?I really don't know what to do anymore.....
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female
reader, NORA B  +, writes (9 February 2013):
This is a dreadful situation for you to be put in for what should be the happiest day of your life.[Your wedding day].Take a stand on this and discuss this with the man you hope to marry.He must respect your feelings first and not those of his mate.Best luck. Nora B.
A
female
reader, Mysterium  +, writes (9 February 2013):
Some people can be total jerks. From what you've written this person sounds like a complete pain. Jealousy is very common amongst best friends too. They might be best friends but maybe he's jealous that you guys got engaged and settled while he is still making girlfriends? Thats quite a possibility and often in these times the other person is quite naive to even suspect such a thing. There could be two things you can do:1. Ignore him. The more importance you will give to him, the more liberties he will take to annoy you. Do not respond to him. And you have to be smart about it. I am not telling you to be like him, but you can subtly make people aware of the way he is behaving and what he is doing is not right. Like make them realize it.You don't need to say it...they should come to realize it on their own....even your boyfriend. Like when he embarrassed you, were you the only one to see that what he did was wrong? Din't others notice his inappropriateness? 2. Confront him. Ask him why he said those things? But frankly, I'm not sure if this will work out well enough. Often in these situations even if you're the innocent one, people will look at you as if you were the wrong one. So I prefer the first suggestion. If he tried to make a threesome with his gf and your fiancé, I suggest you stay next to your fiancé. at least then he will have nothing to say to you with regards to you not trying to accept his friend or let go of your past. Goodluck and do not give people the chance to take you for granted.
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A
female
reader, Kindpigeonette  +, writes (9 February 2013):
You've been together EIGHT years and you are only 25 and the most? You couldn't have been more than 17 when you started dating! I think you need to get back into the dating scene and find someone who doesn't think it's okay to leave his girlfriend out of activities as the "fourth wheel". Just because your boyfriend isn't directly disrespecting you, he is obviously okay with OTHER people disrespecting you in front of him (which in itself, is disrespect on his part). Do you know why his friend is so rude to you by the way? I know you are complaining about the best man at the wedding, however, do you really think any of these problems are just going to disappear once you get married? It sounds to me that your boyfriend will continue to allow you to be disrespected. What if your boyfriend's friend (best man) breaks up with this better girl, and gets back with the ex girlfriend or a similar girl? Now you will have another girl directly flirting not with your boyfriend -- but your husband! Clearly the relationship between you, your boyfriend, and his best friend needs to be worked out BEFORE marriage. I honestly find it odd that he would have his girlfriend flirting with your boyfriend. Sounds to me like maybe the best man is in the closet and has feelings for your boyfriend. How did he treat your boyfriend's past girlfriends? Good luck
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (9 February 2013):
 I’ve heard that Australians have a culture of “mateship”. So maybe you really need to hear from Aussies about this. But I have to think that an eight-year courtship ought to have resolved this kind of nonsense. Are Aussie women still expected to buy all the ‘mate’ stuff? Because it sounds to me like you’re being subjected to a guy culture that went out quite a while ago.
Look, getting married means that you two are going to look after each other. If your fiancé isn’t standing up for you now, what makes you think he’s going to stand up for you later?
If you don’t think your husband is going to stand up for you, then for goodness sake don’t marry him. It’s perfectly honourable to not want to get in the way of his best and good friends. And it’s perfectly sensible for you to not want those blokes in your life.
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