A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:This question is about new friends that I make along my way, that always want favors from me.I’m in my 30s with 12 year old child. We moved to a new state about 2 years ago, and I want to make friends. Everyone I meet seemingly very nice in a beginning, start to act in a manner that I feel and also my husband , that all they want from this friendship is a line of favors.New friend 1: she is a neighbor. First month went fine, and then after she invited us several times to their house, she started constantly ask me for favors. Constantly I mean like at least 2 times a week. She has an older boy who is my daughter’s age, and a little 6 years old. She works, and I’m stay at home mom. Her little one gets sick; she calls me if I can babysit him. I said several times, yes, but then it becomes uncomfortable for me. I’m not taking any money from her, she offered though, but I would rather not do it, than take this couple dollars from her. Though I stay at home, I have my things to do, I work out regularly, meet other ladies for lunch, housework, cooking and sometimes I just want to be in a quiet. She even went that far as to tell in front of everybody that she is so lucky to have me close by that she doesn't have to think about babysitter anymore with a great full smile, looking at me. My husband got really annoyed that night, and told me that it's a pure use of so called friendship. He said, she hardly knows me and to use my good nature like that is just shameless. Also, her older boy needs a ride sometimes from school. Our children go to different schools. Its only 10 minutes away from our house. But my daughter stays later, or goes home with a friend, I still need to think about picking up her boy. One time my daughter got sick, and I needed to pick her up early, and then I remembered that that day I needed to pick up her son. I didn't want to leave my daughter alone, and I didn't know what to do, because I already said yes to the mother, and I knew she has to be at work. So I called my husband, and he of course got really mad at the situation, and he told me to call her and tell her that I can't pick the Boy up. When I called, she got really upset, but in a quiet way, and started sadly telling me that she doesn't know how to get out of this situation. And after I kept silence, she finally said, o, ok, I'll call my husband, he can pick him up.When my husband came home that day, he said, he had enough of them, and told me to never babysit the little one again. Few days later, she called again, and because I knew what it would be about, I just didn't pick up a phone. She actually called me again later on, and left a message that she was driving by my house and saw my car on a driveway, why I'm not picking up the phone. Of course, she wanted me to sit with her boy. Well, she ended up finding someone. Our friendship dissolved after that really fast. Invitation stopped, and one day I went to supermarket, and in there I lost my car keys. I had a spare keys at home, but it was a 40 minutes’ walk to my house in a terrible heat. I called her to see if she can drive me to my house. Really we are talking about 5 minute’s car ride each way. She drove me, but was very angry, and kept repeating how her day is all scheduled by the minute, and how lucky I'm that I have such a luxury as to stay home.That was really our last visit with her.New friend 2: I met this woman in GYM. She is my age, young, pretty, single. She got in trouble being very drunk driving, and now she is only allowed to drive until 7 p.m... I didn’t even know such thing exist. We got along very well, just talking in GYM! Occasional coffee. Then she asked me once if I care of going out just us girls. That sounded like fun, leaving house and go for some drinks with a friend. Of course she can't drive, it went without saying. She lives close by; I had no problem to be a driver. We went out few times, and it was always fun. The only thing is that she made those outings a very long events. I can't stay up that late, I told her right away. Nevertheless, she starts talking with guys and that's it, I can't get her out of there. We would go out once a month, which was perfect for me. Then, she went farther. Knowing that I can't accommodate her all night ventures, she started asking me to go with her, and then she would get back herself. It would work out perfectly, if she didn't change her behavior. As soon as we get to a place, she would basically drop me. Several times I noticed that she beforehand made dates with guys at a certain place, and when we get there as soon as this guy shows up, I was ignored the whole night. After one night when she asked me to go with her, and then she named an area very far from us, like more than half an hour drive, I asked her if she was supposed to meet with someone there. She kind of didn't want to tell me at first, but then admitted it. I refused to go that far, understanding finally that I was really just used as a driver. What started out like a nice just girls outings turned into me driving her because she couldn't drive herself.Was that her plan from the beginning, I don’t know, but it definitely looked like that later on.I never had anything like that with my long-time friends, ever! How do you make friends with someone only for a reason so they can do something for you? I’m willing to help, but in these cases it was so many favors that were asked of me, it's just makes no sense. My husband tells me that the signs are there from the very beginning with both ladies, and that I get myself in situations like this. That I should keep distance from people for longer time and see who I'm dealing with. I started being more careful, but the result is that for these 2 years that live here I didn’t manage to make any friends at all. I have few ladies, other mothers that we go for lunch sometimes, or one lady in my GYM that we go for coffee, but I can't call them friends.it seems that the minute I get close with someone, an array of favors needs to be done for them.
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female
reader, Stelladra  +, writes (9 February 2013):
Hi I went through the same thing. I moved to a new town too about 4 years ago and met similar people. It's only this last year I met a couple good people. One thing I did learn is to read people a bit better so at the first sign of a user I drop them. I'd rather be on my own then with a bad friend.One of the first friends I met here found out I used to be a stylist and a graphic designer and since she did nails and facials she got all excited that we could go into business together. I did too as I missed working having moved to a small town from the city. So we would spent days going for coffee planning our business, she was very nice. It was nice having a friend to chat with every day. We planned for me to do the graphics. She also asked me to design flyers for her business. (you see where I'm going here). I considered her a friend and like you I am a very giving friend and happily did the flyers, she asked me to bring them to an exhibit where we had a booth and would drum up business.Yep did all that and after I got there said she changed her mind about our business. Said she had too much on her plate. Used all her business flyers. I was in so much shock and thought about taking the others back but believe in karma so just left. She tried calling me after and giving me a sob story but I dropped her. She got her son to do graphics after that, horrible job he did. I was right because through the grapevine I heard they are broke and may lose their home. And her marriage is falling apart and even though I don't wish that on anyone I think what goes around comes around.I have another story like this,used for our swimming pool by another friend too but this will be too long. And a neighbor similar to yours.What I did learn is to pay attention to little signs. If a person comes on too strong and then soon after asks for a favor and more then once, they are probably a user and pull right back. Then you aren't as close and it's easy to say no. Also if their actions don't match their words pull back or get out. Also if they are too complimentary, then they are probably manipulating types. A compliment here and there is nice, too many a noted flag. .And if you lay down a rule like you told that girl you had to leave early and they ignore it. Dump them as they have no respect for your feelings. You'll always meet people who are users and/or not nice as well as nice people but as soon as you see something bad let that alarm go off in your head and start to distance yourself and you'll be fine. You just didn't get out early enough that's all. One more thing I used to have similar criteria for friendship as you. They needed to be pretty, my age, similar interests...now my criteria is not superficial, now it's character. Do they call when they said they would, are they thoughtful, reliable, caring, giving and so on. I have made much better friends because of changing my criteria. I know you'll meet some great people. Good luck!
A
female
reader, Ilha  +, writes (9 February 2013):
Dear OP,You seemed to be a very nice person. The weakness of being TOO NICE is the inability to say NO.I can understand your need to have friends since you are a stay home mum. Friendships are very important specially for stay home mums as a venue to release tension, connect with the outside world and also to stay true to who yourselves as individuals (not only as a mother and a wife). However, you need to set boundaries to all your friendships. For example in the first case, you should have be frank to your neighbor that you are only able to babysit if notice is given 24 hours. You should not have allowed her to talk you into sending or picking up her son sometimes because like you say your children do not go to the same school as her son. Besides I am sure your daughter has activities that are different than her son, making this arrangement to fail. In you second case, if you have told your GYM friend that you are not able to stay longer than the time you have set, you should have left at that specific time regardless of whatever she was doing. When you stayed back and allowed her to dictate when to leave, you have given her the power to be in control of you.My suggestion is simple, set boundaries and learn to say NO. Saying NO is very difficult when we want to make people to think of us positively and when we desperately want to impress people so that they become our friends. But you will suffer in the long run because most people do take advantage of good people. The reason is because most people are selfish and are unable to emphatize. It is now a ME ME ME world. Believe me when you have done what has been suggested, you will eventually have calm friendships and good relationship with your partner too. Saying NO does not mean you are a bad person, just shows that you are in control of your life and not easily stepped on by anyone. Good luck my dear... hope it works out at the end for you. I truly want that for you.
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