A
male
age
41-50,
*enjy27
writes:Hi where do i start.Im a 27 year old man and im really struggling with handling how much casual sex i see around me, though friends and people i meet out on a night out.Iv just come out of a long relationship almost 6 years. it was over due and was mutual. But i think being on my own has given me more time to dwell on this matter far to much.It began when i was about 17, i was at college and looking back i was so naive and out of touch with reality and youth behavior. I believed that everyone around me was in loving relationships and that people really must of got to know each other before having sex. How wrong was I.It was like a bubble bursting the realization of so many people just having sex in such shallow situations was really horrible to contenplate.I'm always been told by friends that my views of women is overly virtuous, which was correct when i was younger but know I find it hard not to look at a women and assume that she is probably a slut.I hate these feelings there completely consuming me and i desperately want them to stop. Any girl that who showed me any interest in pubs or clubs when i was younger i found my self being very rude as would just assume that would not find having sex with a stranger a big deal and so i found my self feeling they were vile, so i never really had must sexual experience when i was young.It does not help that i some how conditioned my self to believe that a womens Virgina is a 100% times more personal for them then mens penises. and like so many men the thought of a women allowing so many men to enter them in such a casual situation makes my skin crawl.Its incredibly unfair of me to feel this way towards women. as we are all humans with sexual needs and desires; and how the hell am i suppose to know how a women feels about her own Virgina, i'm a man i can't make that assumption over them.I'v only had sex with 1 partner and i'm absolutely terrified of being a complete failure sexually for any other women who will more then likely have had a good half dozen at lease, be it relationships or casual encountersI'm incredible lonely and i really can only have sex with a women after really getting to know them over time.I very scared of meeting someone and liking them and then finding out they have a very casual approach to sex and so they think im a complete frigid prat, when in fact im completely sexual frustrated and its messing my head up, as sex has not been on the menu for years 2-3 to be exact.I hate having these negative feelings towards women its a horrible feeling, and is starting to make my life a living hell.Im not a horrible women hater at all, but i can't shift these self made morals and imagines from my head. All i want to find is someone i can love.Any ideas that anyone?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (9 July 2009):
 Virginia is a lovely state, I just visited it or as you say "entered" it the other weekend. People ther are very friendly too.
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (9 July 2009):
 You absolutely cannot just blame women for sexual promiscuity. That is just not the truth. The majority of men are far more sexual, it's their inability to accept responsibility for their 'urges' that side slips the problem onto women. There is wrong on both sides as a lot of men simply see sex as a basic act and do not equate it with love. A lot of women are very emotionally insecure and see having sex as an indication that the guy is serious...very often he is not.
Here's a scenario for you. I broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years a month ago. I have been unable to look at another man in all that time and cannot think about seeing anyone else. My ex however, has dated 3 women in the last month and has had sexual relations with two of them. Does that make me more promiscuous or him?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2009): Women themselves have decided that they should be a size zero. They just blame it on men. The problems with a "slut period" are as big for the women themselves as they are for the men these women eventually settle down with. Just browse through this website. Start counting off the questions that would not exist if sex was contained only to serious relationships after half a year or something. Make sure to include the questions about long term emotional problems from using sex as a substitute for intimacy in the younger years. And also the questions about relationships that would never have gotten started if the woman had not been sexually available to a guy who wasn't interested in anything long-term.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (8 July 2009):
Culture has also decided that we all should all be a size zero. It's rammed down our throats everytime we open a magazine or switch on the TV...but I am a size 14, always have been, always will be. I refuse to conform.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 July 2009): The culture has decided that everyone is allowed a "slut period." That problem is that this pattern is nothing but bad news for 90% of us.
Mismatched sexual histories lead to (totally unsolvable) relationship problems more often than not. Call it an "inconvenient truth."
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 July 2009):
I'd like to give a female perspective on this, even though I am older. I am also reviled by how casual sex has become. I dated after I became divorced and was almost naive to the fact that so many men were just 'out for sex'. I spoke to a few people online and within minutes they became sexually explicit and it really put me off. I am a naturally shy person and I could never see myself getting pulled into this kind of behaviour unless I was dating someone seriously and had gotten to know them over time.
I agree with you that there are a lot of women doing it too and in my opinion it cheapens human societies and creates mistrust.
Please don't think that all women are like this because we are not. I am still waiting for the man of my dreams and believe me there is nothing more dissapointing than meeting someone new and them suddenly making a sexual move on you before the end of the first meet (or even the second or third!!) It kills it stone cold dead for me...and the high level of men doing this, probably explains why I haven't met Prince Charming ...yet!!!
I do not, however, think that all men behave in the same way...because they don't, so don't assume all women are doing it too.
Just be selective and bide your time.
Good luck
Aunty Em xx
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A
male
reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (6 July 2009):
 I understand where you are coming from 100%. I've been going through the exact same thing. In fact, I want to leave my partner because I can't cope with the fact that she used to have a lot of casual sex the past. Since we've been together, I have come to realize that it was easier for guys to get this girl to have sex with them than it was to convince her to let them take her out to dinner. Most of her friends are the same way too!It just kills me that most of the girls these days go through this "slut period" where they will pretty much screw anyone. It took me eight months after I broke up with my last long term relationship to find someone else I was comfortable being intimate with. My world was shattered when I found out how the girl, who I was falling for by this point, wouldn't spend more than eight hours to jump from one guys bed to the next. I, like you, don't know how to handle it. I do want to get married and have a family one day. I just don't want to live the rest of my life dealing with the fact that my wife has been with a dozen other men or more.
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A
male
reader, quarky +, writes (6 July 2009):
 Yep-totally agree with some of the things you say here. I've always avoided the type of girl/woman who just seems to want a quick fling-in fact my friends have been incredulous that I haven't taken advantage of such obvious 'conquests' when the opportunity has presented itself. so in that respect, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.There are plenty of women who have similar morals -problem seems to be that you won't recognise that. it's unlikely you will ever find a partner who has had no sex before-that would be naive.once you do get to know and love someone, you'll probably find that their past doesn't matter anyway-and it shouldn't.You should stop worrying so much about it as it sounds like it's getting in the way.There may also be underlying issues here-if there are, you should talk this through with a professional.I can understand your stance on this, but I do think you're taking it a bit far-reckon you should chill a bit -live and let live and don't prejudge too much dude.
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