A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need an advice but deep in my heart, I feel that the impression is irreversible. I have met this guy through common friends. He is his mid 30s, handsome, a doctor, very smart, gentleman and generous person. 2 weeks after I met him we had sex, and it was the best sex I ever had. I was totally in love. He was in his best behavour, and I couldn't get enough of him. Then after a month he started feeling very comfortable around me and this is when grossness began.,The man has all the bad and disgusting habits I a world, you name it. He bites his nails non stop, he cracks his fingers, he picks his nose, he makes absolutely disgusting sounds with his nose and his throat, like it's full of flegm. Once he cleared his nose right in front of me. He spits, he picks pimples on his body till it bleeds. The mat disgusting thing happened this Saturday, and after that I am avoiding him and can't imagine of ever touching this guy again. We went out, and he started to drink. Thisis the first time I saw him acting like a total drunk. He flirted with our waitress, and she was like in her late 50s. He went to the bar while I was sitting at the table and had 2 shots of wiskey by himself, and started talking to 3 guys there. Then he came back, had 2 beers one after another. Then at the very end he came up again to these 3 guys, they looked like they had enough, and bought for them 2 rounds of drinks. He spent there at least 20 minutes whilei was sitting by myself at the table. When the waitress brought the bill, I though she made a mistake, bill had all these drinks that we didn't have . He was still at the bar chatting with those guys. I called and asked her what are those drinks and shots. She told me that he was buying them for those guys.,I went to the bar and said, can we go already. I reminded him that we were supposed to meet our friends at another place. He was visibly tipsy, and I was reluctant of even go on with our evening. But I drove anyway, and he kepton making these awfull noises with his nose the whole time. When we got there and met our friend's, he ordered for himself dirty martini, the strongest of all. He kept on hugging me, and feeling me up in front of everyone until I told him very angrily to stop. I didn't even finish my martini, and told him that we need to go.He was so drunk already. In a car he fell asleep immediately. On a Way home, he kept on yelling something out....and then he started farting. I opened windows, and when I got home, I called him cab and send him home.Since then he texted me and called me and apologized but all I feel is disgust. I never told him anything about his awfull habits or that night. My girfriend begs me to talk to him and tell him, and she is sure that when he hears all of it, he will change it. First of all, I feel very uncomfortable telling him this, second I already feel disgust toward him, that intimacy with him is the last on my mind. At the same time I feel very sad. In a beginning I felt so much attraction to him that I started thinking may be he was the one. Any thoughts?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 March 2015): Gross. I must admit, though, I was chuckling pretty hysterically at this story you tell.
Maybe he has got Tourette Syndrome. I knew this kid with tourettes when I was in college who used to hang on campus, even though he wasn't in college, and he would make really loud snorts in his throat/nose, like you describe. He too would pick his nose and just had like no control or conscience over his bodily movements.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Fem.anon, this OP. him being a doctr and me choosing this articulate guy has nothing to do w/ my level of maturity, quite the opposite. If you read my previous answer, I said that felling in love was a figure of speech.
We all pick partners based on some criterias. Mine is that I don't want a poor man with no sufficient income, and I want someone who is good looking for my standards, I don't see anything wrong with that. I am making good salary why should I choose for my partner someone who is making very little money. I have a good education, why would I choose someone who hardly made through high school.it doesn't make me immature or money greedy. We all choose partners based on a compatibility.
If he was a garbage collectors I would deffinitely not be as surprised as seeing this well educated man acting like that. Though in my life I dated all kinds of guys with all kind of backgrounds, working as servers and other low paid jobs, but none of them was even remotely as disgusting as this doctor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Personally I wouldn't even invest any energy in 'training' this guy how to behave like a normal human being. I cannot stand guys like this who have no sense of even average etiquette - I spent years with someone with very anti-social problems, ranging from being far too sociable with other people when we were out, impulsive spending, constant scratching and squirming in his seat, bad body odour and extremely bad levels of hygiene all round. I thought I could just sensitively 'educate' him into better ways. After 18 years I gave up and my nerves were shot to hell. The guy was not even remotely rich, but I had very low self esteem - and he was very confident in himself and was often very affectionate, so I stayed. Far too long.
My feeling is that you were drawn to and slightly overwhelmed by this guy's status as a doctor - and that his behaviour shocks you even more because of his professional role. But saying you "fell in love" with him after 2 weeks shows that your own levels of maturity and your own motives for being with him are questionable. I think the only reason you are even contemplating talking to him about his disgusting behaviour is because he is a doctor and has money and high status + his good looks are what initially 'tipped the balance' for you. If this was a garbage collector behaving in this way, you wouldn't even give him the time of day, let alone go out with him.
I'd not only get rid of this guy immediately and IGNORE your friend's request to tell him - in my case I wasted nearly two decades training someone to be an almost perfect boyfriend FOR THE NEXT WOMAN, NOT ME - I would also question yourself. In my case it's so obvious now, that I had low self esteem - at the time I simply thought I was being humble and accepting. In your case, I'm not sure, but as I say I suspect the doctor label turned your head and got you all excited because you thought you had it made for life.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2015):
 I have to say, I have YET to met a guy who doesn't fart (that goes for women too, though most have the social grace to not want a high 5 afterwards), who doesn't burp (occasionally), who doesn't have any bad "habits"...
I think partly it has to do with upbringing and partly with his job. If he was raised in a "do as you please" or "always behave yourself" he might be rebelling by being as "gross" as he FEELS like. And if he as a doctor (not sure what kind) has to restrain himself 8-12 hours a day, well I'm not totally surprised he lets his hair down AS soon as he is off duty.
Does that mean I would find it OK? Nope. USUALLY people are on their "best" behavior the first 6-8 months of dating, it's sort of a get to know and sense their limits kind of period, but this guy? He went full on "gross" after 1 1/2 month. Which means... YOU haven't seen ANYTHING yet. He IS still on his (maybe not best) but BETTER behavior. So IF you keep seeing him? 4-6 months down the line you would find MORE (to you) gross behavior showing up.
He is IN his 30's and still single? WELL now you know why. Being a doctor, and have good looks ONLY gets you SO far with the ladies.
Flirting with the waitress (no matter her age) is RUDE to do in front of your date.
Letting you SIT by yourself at the bar while he "buddies" up to some guy and have drinks with them, is rude and juvenile. But for me, the BIGGEST turn off was the groping you in front of your friends. And his lack of control when it comes to alcohol, is for ME, a bigger turn off then a digit up his nose.
I would tell your friends that you just don't feel you are compatible with this guy. And then tell them to not push it further. OR they can darn well date the gorilla.
I also want to point out, it wasn't LOVE you felt for him after two weeks, it was strong infatuation. You thought he was "perfect" and that all came tumbling down when you saw what he really is like - a GROSS dude with a medical degree.
And no, he will not change if you tell him what put you off him. I'm pretty sure a guy in his 30's are pretty set in his ways. Honestly, he sounds like a frat-boy who think he is still living in a house full of dudes.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2015):
 ...That simply, he was not the one FOR YOU. Maybe other women may feel that his annoying/disgusting habits are compensated by all his good qualities ( handsome, smart,generous, sexy etc.... ) but for you personally his lack of manners, lack of self-restraint, and ignorance of personal and social boundaries are a total turn off ( and not that I blame you a bit, I'd feel exactly like you ). Each of us has different no-nos, different deal breakers,- so this guy might even be great under other aspects , but he shows habits and behaviours that make him incompatible with you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2015): Thank you all for your opinions. Mark, you made me laugh, thanks for that. No, of course, it was a figure of speech , It was a very short period of time to be really in love, but I felt the tingling feeling when you like someone very much. now, i can't even believe it.
I just want to add another icky thing he did several times right after eating: he made this sound with his tongue, like something was stuck in his teeth. This is when I asked him what is going on. And he said there is some food stuck in his tooth. I told him then that he needs to use a toothpick or something but not sitting there clicking like a mad man. He stopped, he said, o, sorry.
YouWish, I never grew up with brothers, I don't have any, but I dated quite a bit and had couple boyfriends. No one ever acted as disgusting as him.
Actually no men ever did these awfull things, like picking his nose in front of me or getting so drunk. Yes, I am sure he is a doctor, I know the hospital he works at, and he is a friend of a friend.
I just wanted to be sure, mystiquek, that someone supports my opinion that me talking to him is not going to help, I am pretty sure it won't.
I feel very uncomfortable telling anyone these things and explain the grossness, for me it's something like to tell anyone that he/ she is ugly.
I just will walk away. And if my friend wants to tell him herself, than be it.
Hopefully I won't run into him at parties. (Sigh) too bad, he was so great in bed (sigh again).
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (26 February 2015):
 Guys don't normally change so forget about that. Most guys when trying to get the girl at least PRETEND to have good manners and don't pick their nose, pick their face, belch, fart and flirt so early in the game. UGH...Sorry..this guy is disgusting and why waste your time on him? By the way..just because he's a doctor doesn't mean hes going to have good manners..I worked with doctors/nurses for years and they can be some of the most disgusting people you'd ever want to be around which is scary considering that medical personnel should be clean and sterile.
Let this guy go..he's a pig.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (26 February 2015):
 Wellll, up until you mentioned his flirting with the waitress in front of you, I had my advice to you all ready to go.
However, with the drunken flirting episodes, the guy is boorish and needs to go.
Otherwise, I *was* going to say that what he needed was good instruction on how you can't let your hair down like a married man within the first year of a relationship.
Guys are...well, gross and gassy. The good ones have the sense to say "excuse me" to you as a sign of respect.
Nose picking as well is on my list of dealbreakers. Tissues are a wonderful invention!
You do not have to stay with the guy. He shouldn't humiliate you by flirting and getting wasted and relying on you to bail him out and mommy him. Are you sure that he's a doctor? Don't doctors wash and sanitize their hands like crazy?? I'm a kidney transplant patient - I've met more doctors then most people in 20 lifetimes!
I grew up with brothers. I think I was desensitized by their grossness. They thought that high humor was to laugh as my father played "pull my finger". I nearly never had a relationship with my now husband because on one of our first dates, he blew his nose while we were having lunch. I let him know how *close* I came to breaking up with the guy on the spot. Needless to say, he never ever did it again.
Guys *are* disgusting! And I mean that with all the love in my heart for them! You and I had to learn the art of silent gas, dainty sneezes, serious hygiene, and social graces. I think there's some sort of manual for guys to be just social enough to know that he can't let down his hair right off the bat, but once he's King of the Castle, who needs a trumpeter when he can let one fly!?
However, the flirting is another story entirely. You need to decide whether the relationship will continue. If you can't handle his crap, then you need to send this doctor back to medical school, stat!
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A
male
reader, mfj78  +, writes (26 February 2015):
Hi Im sorry you have been through this bad experience. Nose picking, throat flegming, pimple popping, getting drunk, farting...enough of my issues lets get back on track!To be honest, and I don't want to sound rude or blunt, but I think to say you were totally in love with him and thought he was "the one" after just two weeks is a little silly. You barely know him at that point. Unless you were talking metaphorically, love takes several months to develop as you form a deep bond with someone. Its only after spending time with someone in a variety of situations and allowed the "best behaviour" phase to pass that we really see people for what they really are. In this case clearly his is an ignorant pig, a drunk, a dirty person and someone you cannot trust not to humiliate you. The fact he is handsome, pleasant (when sober) and a doctor doesn't count for anything if he is perpetrating such vile habits. Dont get me wrong - we all have our bad habits, but the behaviour you describe is more than just a few annoying habits, he sounds disrespectful and dirty!I disagree with your friend about explaining to him his bad habits are wrong. If, by his mid 30s, he has yet to work out that coughing up flegm, pocking his fingers up his hooter, farting, flirting drunkenly with every woman in sight in front of you and making awful throat noises on a date is rude then quite frankly I doubt he will ever change. I don't think he is suddenly going to say "My goodness Doreen I didnt know THAT was considered rude!", more likely he will shrug it off or sit their excavating his nasal passage of crusty mucus as you are trying to explain to him how inconsiderate he is.He would have to WANT to change before it can happen. Unlikely as he left you sat alone on a date while getting pissed with his chums. Don't waste your time on this man. Image what he will be doing after a few more months or if you lived together?! You sound a nice person. Please find a nice man to settle down with, not this disgusting guy. Your not his mother, nor his career and neither should you try and change a man to be how you want him to be. But to continue would put you into that position.I know your sad but you need to not let his otherwise nice qualities cloud your judgement. He has a drink problem, dreadful social skills and is very selfish and rude. Dump him and move on. You didn't love him as you didn't know the real him until he revealed this frightful side to his personality. That was just a month into the relationship. A month is far too soon to let your emotions run away with you. Give men more time to show their true nature. Some will be great and others will show a side you hate. You were infactuated by his looks his charm, his nice persona but now you have seen he is a jekyl and hyde. Best of luckMark
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