A
male
age
41-50,
*ost at sea
writes:This is something I am really struggling with at the moment and am in desperate need of some advice.A couple of months ago, I announced to my wife of 2 years (been together seven years in total) that I didn't want to be with her anymore.The reasons I cited were:1) I didn't find her physically attractive. And this isn't the case that the physical attraction had faded. I hate to admit but I never found her physically attractive. I rememeber the first time I saw her naked thinking that she wasn't that nice bodywise. I realise this makes me sound like a completly superficial prick! Because of this I kept trying to rationalise to myself that I was just being superficial and that it didn't really matter. Every other part of our relationship was great. We get on really well together and enjoy spending time together, we have similar values and beliefs and we have cultivated an amazing emotional bond. It got to the point where we would only have sex once a week because I didn't really want to have sex with her. For some reason, I wasn't turned on by her.2) That I wanted to be free. For a long while, I had been feeling this underlying sense of dissatisfaction and frustration. Almost a sense of being trapped. To top it off, I met someone else. I get on really well with this other woman, much like with my wife, we enjoy spending time together, have similar beliefs and values but I actually find this other woman really attractive.So on the face of it, it is just a straight forward 'I left my wife for another woman' scenario.Now I have left the home my wife and I lived in together. I am staying in a friend's spare room and quite frankly I am miserable.I can't believe that I have actually left my wife. Although, you may not think so by reading this, but I don't do this kind of thing. I always thought of myself as a loyal person. Then at the same time, I think it is the right thing to do. Because if I wasn't able to provide her with the physical and sexual fulfillment that she wanted and deserved, then maybe we are better off apart?She did bring it up a lot during our relationship. She was a very passionate and adventurous person but over the years being with me, she has had to tone it down.And then part of me thinks that maybe I should try harder to get over this lack of physical attraction. After all we are married and that is a big deal!Right now, I am seeing this other woman. We talk honestly with each other. We like each other a lot. But all the time I spend with her is tinged with guilt. Guilt at the fact that I have let my wife to be with this other woman. So I suppose my question is have I done the right thing by leaving my wife?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): You gave her a good run, my friend, and that is thanks enough for her. You could have been honest with her, but you did the gentlemanly thing by giving her a chance despite her fading looks. Better for her to have loved and lost, than for her to never have had the opportunity to try a guy like you - clearly out of her league.
Now it's right for you to get out there and make up for lost time. Is the new girl hot? Why feel guilty? If you enjoy chocolate cake - then eat it damn it and stop worrying. Why should you make yourself eat peas if you don't like them. Grab that cake from behind and go for it. Enjoy. You only live once.
Typically women are good for about + or - 10 years. Then it's time for a new model as the maintenance costs get to be too expensive - and when I say model I mean a MODEL - don't just grab the first thing you see. You deserve the best. If it were up to me, all of them would come with a 5 year or 50,000 km/mile warranty for all parts and labor.
Superficial? You bet.
Hey girls on the board: What do you say to a date with a guy with no money, no job, no ambition? Does this kind of guy stimulate you? Be honest. Would you look past this minor problem to see his true personal value underneath? Whatever you say, I'm sure it's all very true. Giggle, giggle.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2009): ok you beautiful man, leave your wife. she deserves a decent man to love and cherish her. you can take your superficial beautiful self and try jumping off the nearest bridge............ you are welcome to your mistress and your wife is actually better off without you.
talk about low.......
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): You are honest with yourself and that's good. You also don't want to spend the rest of your life with someone you are not attracted to physically.
You need to find ways to extract yourself from a mistake (we all make them) with minimal hurt to everyone.
If the gender role were reversed, I would have said the same thing. I doubt many of the female posters here would be able to do so. It's the nature of these forums.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): i think rhythmand blues2 has hit the nail on the head & her answer shows a lot of insight! you've convinced yourself you have never been attracted to your wife - you've re-written history & even if you are confused and believe your own re-write, instead of going to another woman why not work on the problem within the marriage - who's to say that in 5 yrs time you will go off your new woman too or she may go off you - sex is not purely about what you see when you look a person because love is an important factor and you were attracted enough to her in the first place to marry her! if lust/love/good sex was all about physical attraction based on pure appearance then there would be no hope for people who grow old together and love each other even more- have you ever heard the expression 'we stay young through each other's eyes' ... i would think hard before you through away a marriage and try counselling etc .. also, a new relationship based on deceit may not work and it is a rebound relationship, which often don't work - you are feeling guilty which shows some remorse on your part i suppose .. i wish you & your wife the best of luck in sorting this out
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A
male
reader, Advice_man  +, writes (12 December 2009):
 I dissagree with rhythmandblues2. I understand how you feel, that's a trap a lot of men fall into. You go pass 30, you are with a get who is perfect on every aspect except the physical part and you try to ignore it, you are thinking "oh, physical attraction is not that important, over time i will feel it since she is so perfect on everything else." Wrong! Prysical attraction is a must in a healthy relationship. It's not everything, but it is an essential ingridient. Best of luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): I just think you are a gigantic asshole and your wife will leave you if she is smart. I don't buy your story, I think you are plenty physically attracted to your wife, you have been with her for 7 years and having sex with her I imagine.
You are narcissistic and believe that you deserve someone better and you finally found someone who you think is a trade up who likes you, but she is cheating with you, too, so you deserve what you get, your new woman sounds perfect for you and remember Karma's a bitch.
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A
female
reader, Miss Karma Louise +, writes (12 December 2009):
i cant understand how you could stay with a lady that doesnt appeal to you very much, yes personality is essential when lookin for a partner but isnt looks a big factor and all?you did nothing than give this poor woman false hope and false happiness. you should have been totally straight to the point with this lady when you saw her naked.."honesty IS the best policy" in this case.but on the other hand i have a great amount of respect for you mr, because you saw past the looks and made the most out of her personality and to an extent we could do with some more men like you in the world.it is a case of agree and disagree with you...whats done is done in the words of hamlett.i hope you can be happy now.all the best with the other bird.and please make sure you like her body ect...before jumping to high,know what i mean.Karma xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): My question is why did u stay w/your wife all these years without feeling physically attractive to her. How did it all started, if u didn't feel anything for her. I think you did the right thing by leaving, may be she'll find someone who finds her attractive. Don't feel quilty, u actually did her a huge favor. I really hope that she'll find someone who will fell in love w/her and will think that she's the most beatifull woman on Earth. Good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 December 2009):
If you are not happy with someone, nobody can convince you otherwise. But you have behaved like a gigantic asshole by telling her she has never been physically attractive to you. You should never have said that because you have totally destroyed her sense or self-esteem and self-worth. Honesty was not essential to this much detail if you were going to leave anyway. You could have left it at just number 2. I also wonder what kind of person you are that physical appearance matters so much to you... You must be a Brad Pitt lookalike! And when this new woman is older and not as attractive, I wonder what you are going to do then? I also wonder if you will still have your Brad Pitt looks when you are older?? Hopefully, your new pretty wife will still love you for your heart not for your external appearance.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2009): i don't think that leaving you wife is the right decision....
what if your partner now will become not physically attractive more than your wife, what will you do find another girl that is physically attractive...? sorry but maybe one day you see yourself miserable because your only doing things over and over again.... i don't think so if this wiill help you, just want to share...haha....
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A
female
reader, Jendorset +, writes (12 December 2009):
From my point of view there is two ways to look at it, yes it is sad that you have left your wife but it also not fair that you have to spend you life not quite as happy as you could be. I feel compelled to say that maybe you made a mistake marrying her and that you should have orginally held out for someone you loved and wanted completely but it is in the past now and cannot be changed. I feel you have done the right thing leaving her as it sounds as if you have both compromised your selves by changing and not being completely satsified with each other but sticking it out anyway. You gave it a good try and if after seven years you arnt happy then i dont think you ever will be. I do feel you could have left her and then found someone else but it just didnt work out that way. So in a nutshell, i think you have done the right thing and i dont think you should feel guilty. Usually when i read similar questions on here i do get annoyed at people but i sense you have genuinely tryed and i dont see why you should be unhappy all your life because you are the one who has to live it. If you can find a bit of happiness you should take it and i dont see any point in staying with your wife. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Kendra0589 +, writes (12 December 2009):
 Why would you enter a relationship with someone you're not physcially attracted to? You are not wrong for not being attracted to your wife but you are wrong for wasting her time when I'm sure she loves you. It's sad because throughout reading your whole situation I never heard you mention there was anything else you didn't like about her other than not being attracted to her.
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A
female
reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (12 December 2009):
 I'm glad to hear you are feeling miserable, not in a cruel way but it shows you do have loyalty and compassion, things which are VERY important.
You imply it's more of a body issue with the lack of attraction, rather than her dress sense/face/pride in her appearance? If so, I know it's cheesy, but could you join a gym together or something, presuming it's a weight issue? Buy her spa vouchers/take her shopping? It can't be wonderful having your husband think you aren't attractive and its likely to cause a vicious cycle. I probably would give up trying. I think it's brilliant that you've acknowledged that your lack of attraction is denying her sexual/emotional fufillment, at least you are thinking about her needs aswell as your own. You need to be honest with your wife, you don't really say if you've explained your reasons to her. I've just been left by my ex fiance for someone he barely knows (feel free to see my question!) with no apology or real reason why. It really hurts and you owe it to her to sit down and be respectful and basically say what you've just written.
If you geniunely love your wife, then maybe it's worth a shot. Be honest with her. Realistically when you are old and not so hot yourself, do you know for sure that your new girlfriend is equal to your wife in terms of friendship/compatability? What if she was to lose her looks later in life? If you are sure that this new woman is worth it, she will understand your loyalty to your wife and respect you for feeling the need to try though. Please don't expect her to put her life on hold for you however as it isn't fair on either of them. I hope you had left before starting a relationship with her?! If not, you may want to bear in mind that if she sleeps with married men, she may not be that hot with morals with you either.
If you don't love your wife, and you are just feeling guilty,you may as well stay with your new girlfriend as guilt isn't a good basis for a solid relationship, and who knows, you may be tempted to cheat further down the line.
Hope that helps in some small way.
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