A
female
age
41-50,
*ollina
writes:i really need some advice...i was involved in a an affair a couple of months ago with someone close to my husband...i ended it because i knew i was doing wrong..my husband really loves me and honestly i dont know why i did it...well maybe because i was feeling lonely and he was there to confort me...well anyways...i have seen him maybe twice in the last 2 months (havent talked to him,,just seen him in reunions).but about 2 days ago he has been stalking me at work..he hasnt said a word to me but i see him go slowly in his car...i honestly dont want to talk to him. and now im afraid and the thing is that i cant tell my husband because he wont think nothing wrong about it...what should i do...should i talk to this guy and see what he wants...i think he wants to get back with me..i dont want to. but im afraid that i will get back with him because of what we had...im in a big dilema right now..give me some advice before i do something wrong again...please..im really desperate
View related questions:
affair, at work, stalking Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, pollina +, writes (6 August 2010):
pollina is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know that sooner or later things will come out but i want to be happy for the time beeing...i want to be in peace with my husband so that if things do come out my husband will still want to be with me...if you ever want to be in touch with me my e mail is [email address blocked] .i hope to have you as a friend..i need friends who tell things as they are..keep in touch please..and again thank you..:)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2010): hey Pollina, i don't have an account bec DC was pi$$ed with my comments, i guess.(lol)
i think your situation is a disaster waiting to happen if you keep with the lies and half truth. it means that you are still being a dishonest wife. perhaps one day (very very soon) your conscious will get the better of you and you will come clean. you are lucky you got another chance with your hb, some do not get that. instead of you blaming the hb for your loneliness, i think you too need to work on your marriage. you are very blessed to have a man who provides for his family. you are indeed very blessed and i do not really think you know how lucky you are. if your marriage does fail then i think it will be you and you alon who messed it up. think about what i have said.
...............................
A
female
reader, pollina +, writes (5 August 2010):
pollina is verified as being by the original poster of the questiony know that sooner or later things will come out, but maybe then i will find the right time to tell my husband before the thruth gets out..and i have to say something, i had absolutely no idea that my brother in law had a new girl, honest to god i didnt know..hey and i want to ask you something ..anonymous writer,,why dont you have an account,,i would really like to have you as a friend..i hope you keep in touch with me...bye
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2010): Pollina, i think i always knew that it was your hbs brother (or best friend)therefore i asked twice who it was. this BIL seems to be a loser and i do not know what you saw in him in the first place. i think you believe not revealing the truth is the best and that your lies will not be uncovered. i think you know sectrets have a way of coming out especially when least expected - words said in anger or something said while drunk, or as a joke, or when you are smirking and making fun of someone. trust me, the BIL will use it against your husband. it only a matter of time. (i find it strange that only a few days ago you were ready to run back to your lover, but he was already with another woman.)
...............................
A
female
reader, pollina +, writes (3 August 2010):
pollina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim going to tell you who i hooked up w ith..its easier to tell you guys..the affair i had was with my husbands brother...i know youre shoked right now...imagine how my husband is going to feel...i honestly dont havce the courage to say anything to him...the good thing is that my husband doesnt really talk to him anymore because of money problems that they had like a month ago...he wont pay my husband and they stoped talking to each other.and yesterday we found out that he moved in with a girl he met and i dont think he will keep trying to see me..he moved to another town..maybe this is the chance for him to move on and so am i..i know that if i tell my husband he is going to look for his brother and confront him and they may even kill each other and i really dont want that to happen..and i dont think my brother in law is so stupid to tell my husband..well anyway, maybe someday i will tell my husband,but not right now...on august 9th. is our 13 year aniversary and i hope to have a nice time with my husband and my kids, i have a 11 year old daughter and a 2 year old boy.again,thank you all and please keep in touch..i know now that im not a bad person, i just made a terrible mistake and thank god i have a great husband..bye..
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): thanks for the update.
i really think you erred in not telling him who your lover was. imagine all family/friendly gatherings. your lover would view your hb as an idoit, a cuckold, a weak person and the lover will always have the upper hand then over your hb. he will always smirk and always believe that he can have you anytime. is this what you want? do you want your lover to always be the victor and always humiliate your hb. if you want to give your marriage a chance then you need to tell your hb who that man is. everytime his other man sees you he will try to get between your legs. is this what you want for the rest of your life. have some dignity and please spare your husband the humilitaion of being in this mans company when this man has the dirty on you. by not revealing your lovers name, it means that you are still cheating. and this time the cheating will rob you of a lifetime of happiness. DO NOT allow your lover ot have this upper hand and this hold on your life, your marriage and your husband. in the end, it then makes no difference, does it? your lover would always be one up on your husband. i think you need to protect your husband from this humilitation. better he know who and what he is dealing with, than for him to be put in an horrible situation. if you care anything for him, you will tell him.
i am glad you and hubby have made some inroads but it is early days yet so take it easy.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (3 August 2010):
Just take your time. And be ready for him getting mad again. I hate to ruin your mood a bit, but men tend to take a while to process what has happened to them, so it might in a few weeks that he gets mad about it again. Just be prepared if he does, and take it slow.
...............................
A
female
reader, pollina +, writes (2 August 2010):
pollina is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey,how are you all...im happy because i told my husband last night,he first tought it was a joke and almost didnt believe me..then when he saw that i wasnt joking he got really serious and he asked me who he was and i didnt tell him, id rather keep that to myself...he got pretty angry and he said he wanted to take a walk by himself and he went out for over 3 hours and he came home and gave me a big hug and he told me that he loved me and he was glad that inspite of everything i chose to stay with him.we both cried and hugged all night and he promised me that he would pay more attention to me and he would try to spend more time with me..im really happy that i took the right road and told him..i feel a big weight has been taken off my shoulders..hes a good man and i was really stupid to run into the arms of someone else..you guys really helped me alot..and thanks especially to the anonymous writer who wrote on august 2..sometimes we really need somebody to tell us the things even in a harsh way..thank you so much and god bless..:)
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 August 2010): Dear Pollina, thank you for the update. The truth is always very hard but for us to move on we need to make right. you are a good person who made a bad choice. you may feel that GrimmReality and myself were very judgmental and very harsh but i am glad something came of it. your hb is a good man and imagine if he finds out about your affair from someone else. so your priest is right and you need to talk to him. do not blame him for your affair but be honest.
you need to be ready for his outburst, his questioning and his hurt. if you love your hb then you will give him time to motun the bertayal and then you both work on your marriage. if you are lonely take up a sport, or join a womans club. anything but another man.
i am so glad you did not listen to werther, who advocated deceit and lies and betrayal. at least you are choosing to do the right thing.just because he destroyed his marriage , you do not have to. i am glad you were not weak and you did not get sucked in by his advice. some people have ulterior motives!
you and your hb have a long road ahead of you. a difficult road but TOGETHER you both can conquer it. i really wish you well and I hope when you confess you speak the absolute truth. it will be hard but it is necessary.
Take Care
...............................
A
female
reader, pollina +, writes (1 August 2010):
pollina is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni am happy to tell you that today i went to church and confessed myself to a priest who is also in charge of family problems in the church and he told me that i should tell my husband the truth and that i should have nothing to do with the other guy or with nobody else for that matter..i know im selfish and want to be the center of attention to my husband and i need to grow up and take responsability for my accion..i really apreciate everybodies advice and if it werent for you i would have probably run into the arms of someone else...im going to confess to my husband tonight and ill keep in touch with you guys and tell you what happened..and again i say THANKS TO YOU ALL..i know my husband loves me and so do i..i hope everything turns ok.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 August 2010): NO werther, it is utter selfish and irresponsible of you to advocate this affair. why are you blaming the faithful husband. i know that you cheated on your wife, left her for your lover but not everyone is as cruel as you. instead of assisting this woman to make the right choice and assisting her to remain faithful , you are advocating this affair. just because you left your wife for yor lover and you messed up your wife's life, does it mean that you can be so irresponsible with other peoples lives as well. perhaps you need to look at this realistically and not because you Fed up your marriage. after all you do not care that you destroyed your home, you are with your lover now without any conscious and without any morals, it seems. not everyone is like you and not everyone can just move on, Fing up everyones lives.
to Pollina, we are all screaming at the top of our lungs for you to catch a wake up girl. yet you do not want to hear the obvious. your hb works longs hours. he provides for you. do you work. what financial assistance do you provide for your family. instead of focusing on this so called lonely life and instead of you looking for a way to F another man, try investing in your marriage and your husband. wouldn't it be something if your faithful hd was running around on you. but no, he works like a dog and comes back home to a cheating wife. your life is lonely beauce you choose it to be. instead of running around like a *itvh on heat try being more supporting and more understanding of your situation. don't be a roughue, stealing your hbs resources and finances and also Fing that other man who is so close to him. where is your respect for your hb.
you still choose not to reveal the true relationship bet your hb and your lover.
...............................
A
male
reader, werther  +, writes (1 August 2010):
hey again
so according to GrimmReality your husband has the right to make his own choices in his life, but somehow he is not responsible for the situation that is in his relationship?
sorry doesen´t really work ,
you did have an affair, cuz you were lonely, your husband didn´t see didn´t give attention to you but gave it to his work and so on, it does take two to be in an relationship and if it´s not a sexual relationship and you are just living together you are basicly just good friends....
you did have an affair and maybe you should tell him if you want to move away from your fear to do it again or really impress opon your man that you need him to be just that, your man.... not the man who works and puts money on the table, that is selfish of him ( he wants up in his work situation)
we cant not be selfish..... if i dont do whats good for me , if i just do whats good for my spouse, i wont know what i want in the end and then the relation will be really in a bad state...
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality  +, writes (31 July 2010):
 I suggest you reread your reply to all of us...
YOU STILL DON'T GET IT POLLINA!!
You are making every excuse and justification in the damn book...you rattle them off like every other script a cheater has...Your situation is not unique...no ones is...cheaters try to justify their behaviors for a multitude of reasons but it's always the same in the end...cheaters cheat because they are selfish and incapable of looking out for anyone's interest other than their own, and you certainly are NO EXCEPTION
What the hell does your husband do to deserve this? Because he works his ass off to put you in comfort and this is how you repay him?
For you to begin with your reply "I love my husband...there's no doubt" makes every thing that follows it as hollow as a carved out pumpkin. Your husband is responsible for 50 percent of the marriage, but YOU are 100 percent responsible for your adulterous behavior...
Quit making all these excuses and act like an adult and take responsibility for your actions which is what caused this, not your husband... Your husband deserves to be able to make his own life choices.
Get a damn grip.
...............................
A
female
reader, pollina +, writes (30 July 2010):
pollina is verified as being by the original poster of the questiondont get me wrong..i love my husband..theres no doubt..and thats the thing..i dont know why i went into the arms of someone else..and yes i was lonely and i still feel lonely..ive talked to my husband of how i feel and hes tries to be with me but he works too much..we have a stability with money and he can afford to take time out of his job and take a vacation but he prefers to keep working and leaves me alone most of the time..sometimes he wont even come home for dinner..he goes to work at 8 am and he comes home at like 10 pm..and hes so tired that he doesnt even want to be intimate...maybe thats why it was even easy for me to have an affair because i knew he wouldnt come home..i had the need to have someone hold me and tell me im special..and yes im afraid that if i talk to this other guy that im going to be involved with him again..not because i have feelings for him but because he makes me feel wanted..and maybe youre thinking that my husband is having an affair but if he tells me hes going to be in a certain place i go check him out and indeed hes there,hes just a workaholic...i have even told my husband that if he doesnt spend more time with me im going to leave him and he just laughs and he doesnt believe me..and every night before we go to bed he tells me he loves me but he says hes too tired to have sex..hes 36 years old..im 33..we should be having alot of sex.dont you think..and when we have sex its really great but lately we havent had any..again i tell you..its not an excuse but yes i feel so so lonely.. i know this other guy doesnt loves me.he only wanted to have sex with me an maybe thats the only thing i wanted from him also..thats why im afraid to see this other guy because its almost sure im going to get back with him and i dont want to do that to my husband..:(
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 July 2010): Although I agree with some aspects of advice Model 101 has given I believe that he makes it seem like you are some sort of victim. You are not! The fact that you are somehow contemplating sleeping around with this man again means that you have learnt nothing from your affair. It means that the mere sight of your former lover 'tagging' you and now you are ready to open your legs again? Get a grip! You almost destroyed your marriage the first time , are you planning on getting it right now? You want to start up your Fing ways because of the sex you had with this man. You say this man is close to your husband. Is he your husbands friend, brother or cousin? You will be meeting him all the time and yes you will be tempted but you need to make a firm decision and not go back to the cheating ways. I find it so SAD that you never mentioned that you loved your husband. What a cheating wife! Let me tell you what may happen. You will meet with your ex lover, feel obligated to get 'closure', closure for what? You ended the affair but being together with the ex lover and seeing how you can so easily dope your husband by cuckolding him, and you are back banging this other man. You may also feel pressurised by your lover to continue your affair so that your first time affair is not exposed. You may feel blackmailed into another faair. Take a step back and see the Fing nightmare unfolding. If you truly want to prove that you have changed, for the better, thenyou need to come clean with your hb. You need toi tell him about your affair and that your lover is staljing you. We here on DC cannot convince you to stop having sex with your lover. You need to do this and stick to it. Beimg lonely uis just an excuse, what happens next time you are lonely? Stop humiliating your hb and start acting like a decent woman you know you want to be. You need to work on your marriage and you need to start speaking the truth. Somehow I do not think you will. Please hear what GrimmReality and the others have said: I just have one question for you: do you even want to save your marriage and where indeed is the love?
...............................
A
male
reader, model101_t800 +, writes (30 July 2010):
 I feel sorry that instead or feeling your pain many people on the board are beating you up. They are entitled to their thoughts and wishes. I respect that.
But if you truly want an unbiased advice go to a marriage counselor yourself, alone. Nobody else needs to know and there is doctor-patient confidentiality. Take care and heal yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, model101_t800 +, writes (30 July 2010):
Hi! You are a kind hearted soul. You love your husband and thats the most important thing. We, humans, make mistakes to learn from them. We are not perfect and that is the reason we are born...to learn..to improve. There is no learning without going through life and its challenges.
You took an incorrect step and you realized that it was incorrect. That is called learning from life. Separating yourself from the situation and observing it as an unbiased entity.
Now, once you have come to terms with yourself, think about what you want to do to improve your situation now and for future. Past is past. It is gone and dwelling on it will only bring misery. You cannot change anything in past. But you have full control of present moment. Noone can take it away from you.
Perhaps you want to talk to the guy with whom you had an affair and tell him that it is over. Get a closure. Closure for yourself. You cannot change or control how he thinks or feels. But you have full power over yourself and your emotions. Trust in the soul within yourself and empower it by not getting influenced by any outside factor. Get closure with the guy.
You may or may not choose to disclose with your husband. Telling him might make him upset but it will relieve you of the tension and guilt. But in a way you will be punishing your husband for your past mistake by making him suffer. On the other hand you may choose not to tell him. He will remain oblivious to anything and will not have anything to worry about ever. But you will have an embedded guilt within yourself. Think of it like your own punishment for yourself.
You may choose to go to a church, if you believe in it, and ask for God's forgiveness. God never punishes. He always loves us no matter who or what we do in human lives. We are our own biggest critics. We punish ourselves. God only loves and He loves all equally for whatever and whoever they are.
Once, you are calm and peaceful think about why you went into an affair. Perhaps you needed more physical attention or maybe emotional support. Think about changes you can make in your life that will attract positive changes in your husband. Positivity attracts positivity. Think good, pray good, feel good and good will happen to you and people around you.
I pray that you settle your situation well soon and are happy forever.
...............................
A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (30 July 2010):
I suggest you come clean with your husband...you know EXACTLY why you cheated...because you thought about only yourself.
Now is the time for you to own what you did since cheated. You lost the right to determine the future of your marriage and your husband's life the second you slept with a good friend of his.
and now you are scared you will get back with him because of what you had? What did you have? SEX!!
CHEATING IS NEVER A MISTAKE...Mistakes are wrong lane changes, not having sex with a close friend of your husband...You made a conscious decision to do this...time to be a damn adult and own what you did. This is going to bite you in the ass either way with this guy driving around checking you out...so your husband will figure it out sooner or later...better for you to tell him than him fonding out some other way..because he will find out
Mistake, indeed....LMAO!!!
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 July 2010):
I think there is a high chance that this could come out. I also think your husband deserves to know the truth about what happened. He may well leave you, but that's the price. If your marriage has been going stale, or maybe you've been feeling lonely, then I can understand that affair, even if I do think it was wrong. You now need to come clean with your husband, because if he finds out from anyone else, this will be even worse for you. Explain that it was a big mistake, and that you should have spoken to him about how you were feeling rather than just going off and having an affair. Tell him you want to work it out. Then give him time.
...............................
A
male
reader, werther +, writes (30 July 2010):
so, your husband loves you!
you don´t say that you love your husband, or that you want to get back with him for whats good for you.......
you don´t want to hurt him, thats clear, but you did feel lonely! why?
sometimes you have to hurt people,even those close to you, if you don´t love your husband don´t stay......
it´s not necessarily this other guy you want either, but be real to yourself, do you want to stay because it´s good for you or because getting a divorce is" wrong"?
or are you staying because you don´t want to hurt him?
thats no way to live your life, trying not to hurt peoples emotions, it´s wrong to have an affair , yes. but isn´t it wrong to stay in a marrige just to be nice???
then there is alot of people to be nice to..........
what do you need?
in a man.
in your life.
in your sexlife.
...............................
A
female
reader, rachel1991 +, writes (30 July 2010):
Firstly it was completely wrong to cheat on your husband, if you felt that lonely you should have talked about it not gone off with someone else. I think your husband deserves to know the truth because otherwise he will just end up looking stupid and it will continue to eat you up inside. This other man could tell your husband in a way to make you split so he can have you back but it would be best coming from you. This could tell the other man that he has nothing over you and might make him back off.
...............................
A
female
reader, Searching4help09 +, writes (30 July 2010):
Hi if i were you stop dont even try to talk to him if you really love your husband one of you should stop if you would give way again you will be hooked in that affair remember your vow and commitment so please try to avoid any kind of communication with him.
...............................
|
