A
female
age
41-50,
*indagatita
writes:I had an abortion two months ago, now I am so depresed, nobody knew about my abortion, and I live in a place in the united states with my two kids and my husband. I feel really bad after my abortion, I has been thinking about getting pregnant again, so I don't have to deal with the what if, because I aborted a baby but I have another one to focus on. I think that having another baby will help me to easy the pain. I would like to hear histories about woman who passed the same as me, and have another baby to advice me, does it help to easy the pain? does the pain someday go away? please help me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): Dear sillyB, very moving and inspiring story from you, but remember NOT all children have that tale to tell, and YES we should make decisions for the foetus, as mature adults from a perspective of WHAT we FEEL is going to be the best, otherwise next we'll be saying we can't have a termination, as the foetus, can't make a decision, as it has no voice.
Abortion is a difficult decision for any woman, and for whatever reason she chooses NOT to have the baby, is best for her and the child, because if you have a child that is NOT wanted, or the family would struggle to point of perhaps a family break-up,where problems already exist in the family, or the mother is a drug addict, the mother is pregnant by another man and she's married, you CANNOT say having the child would be better or best, although I suspect you might.
The majority of children born into poverty, yes, the majority, do NOT go on to achieve what you have, nor HAVE the ' fairy tale ' lives seen through rose tinted glasses, as you seem to be holding up, for NOT aborting. They often end up with a lot of emotional problems, and many other problems besides.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): I dont think so. I think it may cause you to feel even worse. I'm sorry you're going through this though.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Jilly, I think what you said is very good advise, but I can't help but feel that justifying an abortion as being "the best for another human being" is misguided. The fetus/child was never given a voice to state what was best for him/her. I grew up in poverty and in no way would have wanted my mom to abort me. It was very difficult on them - my mom worked in walmart for $4.50 and hour and my dad as an electrician for a little more. They were going to school and were dirt poor. However, I learned something watching my parents struggle, gain education and reach middle class - I learned about hard work and the importance of education. I grew up to become a RN and now at 28 entering a PhD hoping to research poverty and health inequalities.My mom had to make a decision to abort or not with my second brother who is 9 years younger. She worked in a glue factory. She was days away from having an abortion and decided against it. My brother cried when he heard this story, he thanked my mom for not going through it, he was shaken to the core knowing that he might not have existed. Today he is a second year pharmacy student hoping to eventually become a doctor.So, my point is - you should not justify abortion on the grounds that its doing something thats the best for another human being. You can't answer for someone who was not given a voice - you don't know whether it REALLY would have been the best thing for them.Better ways to justify it only from a self-perspective - I couldn't afford the child, I did not have the resources to give them what I thought they wanted....and so on.To the writer of this post, this is the best way you can get through it. Just realizing that you are human and did what you thought was best for you and the family. Love your kids and enjoy them as much as you can.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2010): No, it won't ease the pain.
Only forgiving and understanding yourself will ease the pain.
Yes, the pain does diminish somewhat with time, but it seems to always be there from my experience with patients who really care about their lives.
Having children afterward can drive the pain underground because of the work and distraction caused by the new child, but it resurfaces later and can resurface with a vengeance.
I'm in the medical field, I've dealt with people who have gone through what you have gone through.
Get help for yourself, counseling, and get support. Don't do it alone.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (30 September 2010):
Maybe you can explain why nobody knows about your abortion. Did you cheat on your husband? It would probably make you feel better to talk to someone about it.
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A
female
reader, Jin31  +, writes (30 September 2010):
 Hey
Your probably very fragile and upset. I know, I've been there too. Allow yourself to feel those painful feelings. You cannot replace what has been lost instead I know you made a decision based on circumstances and was no doubt a very difficult one to make. Be easy on yourself. It will get better with time. xxx
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2010): Dear lindagatita,
I have just read your question with great sadness, but want to reassure you that becoming pregnant again, to ease what you're feeling right now...empty,wondering what your baby would be like, and the extreme pain of loss, cannot EVER be replaced with another pregnancy. You chose an abortion because it was the most sensible, kind, and thoughtful thing to do.
I speak from experience, I have had two abortions in my life, one due to not feeling I could offer my baby ALL that I would want to offer it, all children need more than love, that is the fairy tale, reality takes a lot more. You know sometimes, we have make to decisions for the BEST of another human being, and this must always be considered.
Briefly, I was with my husband to be, we were in-love, but it wasn't the right time for us to have a baby. We married and very soon had a beautiful baby boy, my absolute pride and joy, adored him...but it was a very, very difficult birth, to the point I was advised not to have more children as I had an abnormally small birth canal - but being young, very fertile, even though I was on the pill, I became pregnant. I knew I couldn't go through what I had just experienced, and the medical profession advised me to abort my baby. I DID..YES for weeks I mourned my baby, felt an unbearable emptiness, pain that I suspect only another woman would understand, which I think YOU will.
But we cannot replace, nor should we try to replace, so just allow yourself time to mourn, to accept that you did what you did for reasons that were FITTING your situation, and that takes strength, so enjoy the beautiful children you have and try not to FILL, replace, or recapture your loss.
Go through it, don't punish yourself, allow yourself time to heal, the pain will ease, and you will be whole again. I hope my story has helped.
Sending a hug from the UK..
Jilly x
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (29 September 2010):
 I don't think that it would help since the first memory will always be there. Try to think of it this way and it might help; you had the abotion because where you are in your life you wouldn't be able to give the baby 100% of your attention so its better off this way. I don't know what you are going through. Maybe you can take this experience to realize how fragile life is and use those feeling to be with your family a little more or help someone out when they need it. One baby does not replace another but your experience although traumatic doesn't have to be negative.
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