A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am recently married but before I got married just a week before.... I am very upset to say that I had a one night stand... I was extremely drunk and do not even remember kissing this guy yet deep down inside knew that I was with this guy... there were a couple of friends there and even though they have sworn to never say anything... the guilt is killing me and a promise can be broken (I would hate for my husband to find out from someone else)... My wedding day it was great but all I could think of was how I was decieving everyone and even now four months later it is the first thing I think of every morning... I have thought of telling my husband but we have two children and coming from a seperated family myself I do not want this for my children and cannot keep thinking how I will have ruined their lives... I have come close to telling my huband but fear that we will not survive the shock I am not an alcholic and have not drank as severely since... can I get some advice... cos this is killing me and my marriage.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2008): You should tell him - he has a right to know - how would you feel if he had done this to you and you found out from someone else?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2008): Your relationship with your husband will be damaged a little worse every day that you don't tell him. Every day for the rest of your life.This is not true for every relationship. Some relationships treat infidelity differently. But your relationship is obviously one of total trust and faithfulness, so now you feel VERY wrong for the infidelity. That is all you need to know. Infidelity does not always mean there is a problem. It's fine, IF you have the type of relationship where both parties know infidelity may be going on at some point and you both just choose "let it slide" in some way or another.But infidelity certainly DOES mean a HUGE problem when it means the rules of the relationship have been broken. And that certainly seems true in your case.I strongly agree with the suggestion to first see a therapist and then tell your husband. The sooner the better.
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A
female
reader, babiimegz  +, writes (24 February 2008):
you need to tell him..if he finds out from someone else it will cause him more embrassment and pain..if you tell him there is more of a chance he will forgive you. juat make sure ou dont just blurt it out and make sure he knows it was a mistake and you are truly sorry. all the best and good luck. xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): I can't believe that most people are suggesting that you don't tell him. That is ridiculous! It might not be today or tomorrow, but your husband will find out. Also, do you really want to be held in bondage from the people that do know? He's going to find out, and he's more like to forgive you if that information comes from you.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily  +, writes (23 February 2008):
You were drunk and this other man meant nothing to you. You love your husband. Don't hurt him. Men take infidelity very very badly. Even if he doesn't leave it will always haunt him. Save your confessions for priests and therapists. In fact, it might be a good idea to talk to one of those. Find some sort of penance to do to make amends and let go of your own guilt. But don't gut your entire family so you can feel "honest". If he finds out one day he finds out, it will hurt like hell and it won't really matter who he found out from. Stop worrying about that. It's out of your hands. Your human, you made a mistake. I'm not religious, but there's a lot to be said for "go forth and sin no more". It's in the past. Find a way to forgive yourself, let it go, be a good wife to him and live your life.
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A
female
reader, Aylarsh +, writes (23 February 2008):
 Don't ever tell your husband this. It will eat up your marriage if you do. If someone knows and they can't be trusted it's easier to tell him. Let him know that you love him, and you were under the influence. ALso prove that you weren't aware of who it was. Tell him you love him and that you will do what ever it takes to get his trust back. Tell him tat for your childrens sake you want to work this out. If he is a caring father and husband he will go through hell to bring this family back together! I very much hope my advice and others will help you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): You have great reasons to be concerned. I must say this to you.....Let it go! Yes a promise can be broken ,but hopefully they will not betray your trust, but if they do, THEN LIE! It's not keeping a secret from your husband, it is making sure your children have a stable home. Also, it was BEFORE you were married!
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A
male
reader, SamuraiRick +, writes (23 February 2008):
 I know this must feel real bad for you and is eating you up inside. But I must urge you never to utter a word about this to your husband. It will damage your relationship more deeply than you even think it is now. I know that several others responding to you will tell you to let it all out and tell him. That by telling him you remove the guilt and hurt inside you...but how fair is it to transfer your guilt and hurt to the man you love?
If you truly love him do you best to show him the love he deserves from you, and not drop this guilt-laden burden on him. Use this negative event in a positive way...make up for it. Show him that extra ounce of love you can. Cook for him, be with him and be the wonderful wife you can and should be for him. He will give it back in return of course.
But all this guilt.... Throw it away! Discard it and replace it with a happy and fulfilling marriage. Keeping this pain is the cross you have to bear, but it will wear away in time. And you marriage will be all the better for you laying this asside. The more its behind you the better it will be. Be the loving wife he wants in you.
If I were your husband that's what I would want.
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A
male
reader, GrimmReality +, writes (23 February 2008):
 Being Drunk is NO EXCUSE! What you did is begin your marriage on a lie. Better to tell your husband and take your punishment. The fact that you already have two children and you did this is appalling. You are using being drunk as an excuse. Don't! You made a decision, now you must live with it. Better that your family knows, and your husband can make his own decision whether or not to stay married to a selfish cheater like you!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2008): Believe me - if someone else knows about this, your DH will find out. You need to tell your DH before someone else does.
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