A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I really love my boy-friend, and this situation is killing me. I've been with my boyfriend for about a year. One night, about a month ago, it was our eleven month anniversary, we ended up getting really drunk, and did the nasty =]. When this happened, he forgot to put on a condom. A month passed by and I came to the conclusion that I might be pregnant. I didn't say anything for about 2 days before i told my boyfriend. I told him that i think we might be pregnant and and he started cheering. He really wanted the baby. I took about 5 pregnancy tests, just to make sure that I was. They all came up positive. I started freaking out and crying. He had asked me if I was going to keep it. I told him that I didn't know what I was going to do because this was a VERY BIG decision I had to make, since I'm only a senior in high school. That's when he thought that I didn't want it. I told him that it was a blessing and that I was excited of the fact that I was going to be a mother, someone that someone else was dependent on me, someone that was all mines, forever. I was devastated because it wasn't the best time to have a child, I still wanted to college, I still wanted to be me, to live. He told me that if I had an abortion/miscarriage he would leave me and never talk to me again, forgetting about the situation I was in. This whole thing put me under so much pressure coming from me being scarred of the outcome of the situation. I was going to get kicked out of my house if I proceeded the pregnancy. I was under so much stress, that I had a miscarriage. Now I'm even more devastated and depressed. I went to the clinic about 3 days ago and they had told me that I had a miscarriage. I went to the hospital, clearing up everything. I just got back from his house yesterday, and we were miserable. We were both crying hysterically. He really wanted this child, because he never really had a family growing up. I feel so bad about what happened. Even though he told me that he cares for me and that no matter what happens he can never let me go, I wonder if he's going to keep this between up from being 1OO% happy...??? I need answers. What can I do to make it up to him, to prove to him that I need him in my life and show him that I really Love him, and show him that what happened, happened for a reason?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (26 November 2008):
 He loves you but he believes you had an abortion, not a miscarriage. Or, at the very least, he thinks that the miscarriage was "your fault". I think you have done the right thing in telling him that "I'm sorry" gets old over time, but, anyways, if I were you, I would tell him that he needs to be aware that things won't work if he keeps believing the miscarriage was your fault.
I have doubts about him. I'm sorry, but I don't think he will ever believe the miscarriage was not your fault.
Wish you the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all sooo much for the support =]. I realized that I didn't have to do anything for him because of what happened. He's come to his scenses and apologized to me for being a prick, this & that. But about 2 days ago, we were watching this movie that had the classic 'Happy Ever After' with the whole mother-father-child moment, he looked at me and said "See we would be like that if you didn't have a miscarraige". I didn't know what he ACTUALLY meant by that comment, it just broke my heart by the way he said it. So i started crying because what he said made me picture how it would be to be a mother, and then reminded me about the situation i was in with the whole 'my life going down the drain'. He apologized again, buh when he says little things like that, it erks me so bad because i didn't want nothing like that happenning, getting pregnant and having a miscarriage. Honestly, i love him to death and would do anything, but he's forcing me to be pushed away from him because of this. I told him that the "im sorry" -ies don't work for everything and that they get old after some time. I'm strong and all, but with him, he makes me mentally weak because i don't want to lose him, but sometimes i don't know what to do with him. I want to leave him, but then again i can't because of how much i love him and what we've been through. I don't know, this relationship leaves me confused with butterflies... =\
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A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (10 November 2008):
 You don't owe him a thing!
Instead of helping you cope, he added to the stress by threatening to leave you at a time when you're the most vulnerable. No one should pressure you into making that decision, especially not him!
If anything, he needs to make it up to you. It seems to me that he cares more for his happiness than your own, and you feel the same way. That doesn't sound right to me.
I've been in that situation, and I had the pressure from all angles, too. I know it's not pretty. You need to spend less time worrying about him, and more time taking care of yourself.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (10 November 2008):
I'm sorry about the miscarriage. But, dear poster, you don't owe him anything. You can't control whether you will miscarry. It often happens to women who are going to have their first child. So, why should you make it up to him?
It would be unfair if he left you just because the baby died. He seems old-fashioned: seems to think that children are something that women "give" to men. If the child is born less than "perfect", this "logic" goes, then it's the woman's fault because the "mold" wasn't right.
I hope this "making it up to him" doesn't mean you will get pregnant again in the same manner. He didn't forget to put on a condom; he prefers to feel your flesh and, also, he had already thought that, if you ended pregnant, he would have the baby he wants. But I think it would be wise if you waited a little to have children. You're young and you can wait, say, five or six years. Some women wait even longer, until they have a better position in life.
Having a child with a woman you love is a great thing, but it needs to be done at a time when it's right for her and you.
I would also add that a child should never be a way to compensate for something you didn't have. Gibran Khalil Gibran had it right: parents are like bows and children like arrows. Children need to be themselves, and live for themselves, not for the wishes of any parent. If he intends to fill a void with a child, then he is unfair because people are people, not tools.
Also, I agree with you in going to college and all that. I just would like you to notice that rearing a child is "life", too, only a different way to live. It is even possible to claim that the rat race, I mean, "professional advancement", is less of a way to live than rearing children.
I don't know if he will stay with you. If he won't, let him go. If he stays, of if you find someone else, always "remind" the guy to use a condom. Or use contraceptives yourself.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): You say that he told you that he could never let you go no matter what, so that answers one of your concerns. Only you both can keep yourselves from being happy. You really didn't want the kid, right now, so that's a good thing. Your young. THis may have happened for the reason that from your reactions, are too young to have this kid right now. You may still be simply infactuated with eachother, real love is of the mind-cognizant. Your both emotional about eachother and this 'love baby'. You both will grow into reality of relationships soon enuff time will pass, and then you'll may be suprised to find that you have someone new on your arm. Only time can tell what happens is for a reason, and if this ends up breaking you up...there you go.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2008): first of all, it's not your fault you had a miscarriage...it happens. If you love eachother, you will get past this. And wanting a baby so you have something that's all yours, or because he never really had a family of his own, is no reason to bring a child into this world! you are very young and the timing isn't right. Continue your plans for the future. Don't "try to make it up to him." Just love each other and let time pass. Having a miscarriage is devestating (I Know) But with time it will get easier!
Good Luck
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