A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi, I recently found myself in a very difficult place and any help would be most welcome but please don't tell me I am a bad person as I feel awful anyhow...I have been engaged to a lovely man for three years and we have a twelve month old son.. I am 28 and he is 36, we met via the net some time ago and I was his first girlfriend. After having my son I went through a time of post natal depression, and during this time I had an affair with a married man of 54 - who already has three grown up children older than myself. He was a friend of a friend who I met for coffee once as he was in my area and I kept in contact with.. After a few weeks he said he wanted to take things further and we slept together several times. He claimed he had not been one for affairs... Anyhow to cut to the chase I am now heavily pregnant and the date would fit.. I told him I was expecting and said it wasn't his and that I had an abortion.. But it's only a matter of time before he finds out I didn't.
View related questions:
abortion, affair, engaged, married man, the internet Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I agree that it takes two to tango, no one is disputing this. However the married man is not running around to prove paternity, is he.
They both knew what they were doing when they embarked on their affair. They knew they were in the wrong but they sought the illicit and couldn't give a damned about their innocent partners.
Who is more to blame for this mess, the married man or his lover. He just took what was offered. And that is the bottom line. Sad but true.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Godchild  +, writes (30 December 2010):
All i have to say is that it takes two. Don't sit up here and put the blame on her. He shouldnt of never step out this marriage. It takes two to tangle. Im not passing judgement but they both had made some pretty bad decision. Also innocent people are being affected by this. Now your adding a baby hope all ends well. plus I think he lying about the that procedure too. hats like the new lie these guys come up with. Quite frankly they prefer women to get their tubes tied before they get cut. lol
...............................
A
female
reader, Godchild +, writes (30 December 2010):
All i have to say is that it takes two. Don't sit up here and put the blame on her. He shouldnt of never step out this marriage. It takes two to tango. Im not passing judgement but they both had made some pretty bad decision. Also innocent people are being affected by this. Now your adding a baby hope all ends well
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the anonymous poster - I take in heed what you say and understand it is what I need to hear. Yes I can care for the child and am not reliant on anyone.. My other half knows we had problems at the time and we hope to sort these. I shall learn from this. And yes I feel for his family this is why I said to him what I did.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): What are u expecting from your married lover?
What about his family and kids?
You have your partner wrapped around your fingers. is he just going t role over and bring up another mans kid?
You will have noticed other than myself only 2 have responded. I am guessing that they did not bother to respond bec they did not want to be false and they refused to tell u what u wanted to hear. I know my original message was blocked by the MODS bec it was hard hitting and too frank. It was an eye opener for you but you would not be able to handle the truth. So go on in your make belief land and be thankful for so called 'non judgmental' views bec it makes you feel better.
I feel very sorry for your partner and what u are doing to him is just plain cruel- basically unkind and the ultimate form of betrayal.
You have not considered what your affair will do to this MMs wife. How can u live with yourself and subject her to all the pain as well.this MM basically doesn't want this kid, yet you are forcing it down his throat. This has been a very selfish and self centered act from you.
I really think that u need to re evaluate your life and moral fibre bec u will find that you come up lacking.
Yes you wanted non judgment bec then u can live in denial. You have to really have a look into your life and see how you can better it. You need to change your ways bec you are going to hurt a lot of people, especially your fiance.
What happens in the future? Your common friends that knew of your affair, how will they judge you?
You have a 1 year old kid, and now you are heavily pregnant. Can u take care of both kids properly? Are you expecting financial assistance from the old married man?
Have you really thought about what will happen when this kid is born. DNA test and then what? Will this baby be resented? Is it fair that this child will pay the price?
Perhaps u need to write down all that u need to deal with, starting with this kids paternity. Look at how many peoples lives will be affected either positively or negatively.can you make amends, can you rectify the wrongs that u have done? Do you even want to change your ways?
If you do not make changes in your life history (and your cheating) will repeat itself and u would have learnt nothing.
Right now you are only focusing on your married (ex??) Lover. Your situation is bigger than just paternity issue. The aftermath will have dire consequences nd you need to also be aware that u can be cited as a homewrecker as well.
You want 'non judgmental' advice (basically to keep you happy) what what about realistic and honest advice. You may not like it but it gives you something to think about.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): Whose child it is matters for the child.
If he had a vasectomy 30 years ago, then it probably is still working, they don't fail very often.
But, the larger issue is your having an affair, cheating on the father of your other child, and why you did that.
The guy you are engaged to deserves to know this.
"engaged to a lovely man for three years"
So, why wasn't this marriage consumated?
You need some serious counseling, and need to figure out what it is that gets you involved with men that are old enough to be your father, and to help you deal with life with two children that are probably from your fiance but whom will probably not marry you once he finds out you have been cheating on him with someone who is actually old enough to be his father as well.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to you both! I shall make an appointment first thing tomorrow but I am also aware that both or at least one of the men would need to co operate with a paternity test. Luckily my partner is one of the most forgiving loving people I have ever known so I think given time we could work things out. The other man is more of an issue. Also thank you for your non judgemental responses it is most appreciated
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks! The dates are a certainty. My partner and I moved house during that period and thus had a one year old sleeping between us.. He mentioned the vasectomy after knowing I was pregnant and said it was almost thirty years ago. I shall follow up that advice and see a doctor.. He still contacts me distantly but hasn't mentioned anything about this since.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): When did he tell you he had a vasectomy, because if it's that recently then if could have been a lie to cover his ass. He might already know.
Depending on the procedure it might not have been 100% effective.
Also be sure of the dates, because if you slept with both guys within a week of that date then it could be either of them.
Honestly if the date is irrefutable then you need to tell them both. But be absolutely sure, go to your doctor and talk about your dilemma, they'll be able to help you find out what your options are and if you can find out who the father is.
Until you can be certain medically I'd wait to make your move.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionQuestion is ( and sorry I ought to have been clearer). I have no idea whether to tell him or my partner as the whole thing is playing on my mind some what... Plus, I have no idea how he will react when he finds out through mutual friends. He recently claimed in a text to have had a vasectomy, yet whilst he was with me he asked if I was on the pill.. He says the vasectomy was almost thirty years ago. Yet still, the dates totally match up.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): So? What's your question?
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyMaur  +, writes (28 December 2010):
 Hi - This is messy situation - but you dont need me to tell you this. Are you 100% sure who the father is ? I dont think you do.....I think some courage is needed to tell the truth.
I fear you will lose all that you hold dear though I cannot see another way to sort this out.
The unborn child has rights. Children do grow up and become adults.If this child belongs to the older man he has rights along with his children as this would make them half brother or sister. This is not good for your health or the health of the unborn child holding all this inside, perhaps see a councillor alone first -then arrange for the 2 men to join you and tell the truth with the councillor as the mediator? You will all need assistance to get through this Web - I dont want you blame yourself for everything in this situation because everyone has played a part in this.
Courage strength and honesty.
Its not going to be easy but dont do this alone.
...............................
|
