A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:i am 39 and am told by people that i look a lot younger. attractive and smart, intelligent with a good job, good sense of humour, own home and car, one son aged 12. i have friends that i go out with occasionally, although they are all settled down in relationships so not always available. i do not like nightclubs any more but do like pubs. i drink in moderation. why cant i find a nice man? i do get plenty of attention from men and i can meet them most times i go out but they are never mr right! i look after my boyfriends, make them welcome in my home, look after them in every way but the last few have not wanted to have a proper relationship with me and i just dont know what i am doing wrong. i have just split up from a man who 'was not looking for anything serious' he told me this without me asking. i know that i do not chase men and i give them plenty of space etc. the only ones who take me seriously are ones that dont hold down proper jobs, have few or no friends, are a bit odd etc. my friends all laugh at how 'unlucky' i am. just always end up with the wrong men and they cant understand why and nor can i. i mean, i know you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince but this is getting ridiculous! i have got friends who get far less attention and meet less men than i do but the ones they do meet are keepers and without meaning to be rude (coz i dearly love these friends) i just dont know what they have got that i havent?i'd love some opinions on this if anyone can help.thanks x
View related questions:
split up Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you cerburus again for your help. 'jaded' is a good word! describes how i feel perfectly at the moment. just another point i want to make (i had forgotten this..) its not always bars where i meet men, met one last year at the swimming pool when i was with my son, so i went out with him a couple of times, in the daytime coz he is a taxi driver, he told me about a female friend he had, he said she fancied him but he didnt feel the same way, i was cool with this. anyway, he then went on this holiday he had planned, told me he was going with his kids and his mum and that his friend would be going too. again, i was cool until he started saying i'll call you when i get home. so i hear alarm bells at this point and i say 'do you not want me to text you while your away?' and he said he thought it would be best if i didnt. anyway, he came home and called me. i asked him outright was the woman friend his girlfriend and after denying it, he finally came clean and admitted it. that just an example of the sort of men i meet. same as when i went to night school college a few years ago. made friends with a young man at the class and then this developed into a relationship but as i got to know him more it became clear he was a bit of an odd ball! another time i met a man who worked in the reception desk of the college, he asked me out so i gave him my number but then on speaking further to him it turned out he had a wife and baby! i probably sound like as if i am man-mad, but i'm not, i sometimes can go for a year or 2 without a date
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): All you can do is keep going then. But get rid of the pressure and expectations.
Don't waste time with weirdos or guys who only want something casual, as soon as you hear that tell them you're not interested otherwise you're just wasting your time.
I know I can point out loads of relationships that began in bars but that just doesn't work for some people, you might be one of those. You see it really is luck of the draw in bars and you can meet so many idiots there that you just get jaded and worn out from it, hence why you're here asking for advice. As a matter of fact the casual interest guys show you is actually having the opposite effect because it's making you question if something is wrong with you when there isn't.
You see having a group of friends that are all settled leaves you with limited options, joining clubs, or other activities can help you make casual friends, meet guys etc.
Most of all and most importantly though, no pressure, when you go out, go out to have fun not to meet guys. When you're out, carefree with no pressure then you might meet some good ones. We guys can smell a girl that is dying to find a man a mile away and it's usually the sleazes that go for girls like that. Be confident happy and not care if you meet a guy and that's usually when the good ones appear.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): thanks for your answer. i do agree about feeling under a bit of pressure to meet someone as i am never sure when i will be out next! a friend of mine recently said to me 'you need to go a gym or something to meet a nice man, not a pub' i reminded her that she met her boyfriend of a year plus in a club and asked her if she knew anyone personally that had met their bloke at a gym. and she agreed that she didn't. some of my friends met their men in pubs (while i've been with them!) and they are in steady relationships for both over 7 years, one couple is married, the other engaged and living together. so that puts pay to the theory of me going to the 'wrong places'. i will give people a chance i do not often write someone off before i have gotten to know them better.
my job involves working with the public (medical) but my colleagues are not men, and none of my friends know any single men that they could introduce me to. yes i do need social hobbies i agree with that coz all though i do have lots of interests, they are staying at home activities. i do enjoy my own company too.
i would not like to be with a man who drinks and goes out partying and picking up women so yeah, pubs and clubs are probably not the best place are they?? aw i dont know, just gets to me a bit when it looks like everyone else can manage to find their partner when not only are they unnattractive but they dont even have a nice personality or seem to know how to respect others and treat them nice.
thanks taking the time to answer, greatly appreciate it x
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2010): They probably don't have anything you don't have. It's probably just the guys you like or just luck.
"i do get plenty of attention from men and i can meet them most times i go out but they are never mr right!" how do you expect to be able to tell in the hour or two you are in a bar whether a guy is Mr. Right or not?
Unless the guy is an overt sleaze and you at least find him cute then give the guy a chance. Although for all I know maybe the overt sleazes are your type.
It sounds like you're going for guys who are looking for casual relationships, almost every time that's not surprizing though seeing as the only place you mention meeting them is in a bar.
You're just not around enough, doing enough things to meet stable single guys, the only time you get to meet them is on the rare occasion your friends want to go out, and then when you do you have this pressure on you to find a guy in the limited time you have. I've seen this before with friend of mine. She has 6 year old son and doesn't get much time to go out. Plus all her friends except me have kids so they can't go out with her often and well I'm not going to spend the night playing wing man for her because frankly that's boring and standing there watching my friend get chatted up by drunken sleazes is not my idea of fun.
Her problem is that outside of work and the odd night out drinking she doesn't have any social hobbies. The only places where she can meet guys are at work or when out. She can't get with guys at work because she's learned that lesson in her previous job and most of the guys she meets out are never after something serious because that's how it works in bars. Like her you need to get involved in more social things, you need to be out there and meet sober guys who are interested in you. Not guys in bars. She gets lots of attention too in bars and like you most of the guys are lemons, the only guys she likes then are ones that don't want anything serious with her. But that makes sense, because she's meeting them in bars. 90% of guys that go to bars to pick up women aren't looking for anything serious.
Seriously it's very rare and the ones that are, are too hard to distinguish, as Forest Gump said "it's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get" (except of course that chocolates always contain a list of the contents but you get the point)
You can't trust whether a guy is interested in you or not while he's out drinking. He might meet up with you for a date only to realize that he's not as attracted to you while drunk, or didn't realize you had a kid etc etc.
You need to be out and about doing things, meeting guys with similar interests and getting to know them by seeing them regularly either through friends or through hobbies/sports etc. Random encounters in bars are the hardest way to get a keeper because trying to get to know guys you've only met for the first time drunk is lowering your chances of proper initial attraction and emotional connection.
...............................
|
