A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:My hubby had an affair, I found out and caused hell on earth for him, asked for a divorce, even got the papers drawn up, did the whole counselling thing, he got such a shock finding out that I was not going to tolerate his nonsense. He gave up his job to come and work for me, said he was so sorry and didn't realise just what he was going to lose when he started the affair. Okay alls fair and well, we are still doing the counselling and things are going okay. BUT, the woman he cheated with is short, with a rear end the side of a bus, wears granny type baggy clothes, the real dowdy type [he met her through his work] Because of the trust issues I keep an eye on what's happening, like checking if he's on facebook, found her on facebook and what I find is so amusing is that she has changed her look, she is now wearing her hair exactly like mine, wearing the same type of clothes, etc., and her latest pics on facebook shows her with this enormous set of boobs, she must have stuffed her bra with socks cos when I first encountered her she had very little in the boob department. [I am quite well endowed in the boob department]. So you see, I had to smile, she is still trying to get him back, and he is staying very close to my side [so to speak] and the greatest revenge of all is seeing that she is trying to resemble me to try and get him interested again. I hope she is hurting like crazy, why else try and resemble me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello again to all the Agony Aunts.... it has been about a year and half since I wrote to you.... I felt that I should update you on what has happened to date.
I was shocked when I re-read what I had written.... I also realise at the time I was terribly angry at him, at her... and probably at myself.... I certainly sounded really bitchy and angry and with self esteem at an all time low!
So hubby and I did the whole counselling thing, then hubby decided that he wasnt getting anything out of the counselling so stopped going..... I continued and have become a much stronger and happier person since then.
Hubby still works for me and we have worked well together, the business is going well.... even in this economy a positive outcome there!
I have taken control of my life, I have found new hobbies, one of which is dancing.... and with dancing the dance school provided me with a partner...... hubby didnt like this one bit.... seeing another man [who was far from being gay] putting his hands on me, and laughing with me... Oh and there was nothing going on between us, we were just dance partners! So hubby has also joined dancing and he is now my dance partner!!
I have gottn to a point where I explained to him one day when the OW got one of her friends to contact him on her behalf [I was with him when it happened] that I would not fight her for him, and I wouldnt fight for our marriage and that if he wanted to go, he could go with my blessing.
I think that this has shocked him into realising that the grass on the otherside of the fence is not greener, he has become very attentive towards me, extremely considerate and caring... gosh it just feels like I am married to someone else!!!
I will agree that the trust is slowing rebuilding, and I mean slowly..... one day at a time!
I do realise that it is still early days, so who knows..... maybe things will get better...... I can only hope and if all falls apart in the future, at least I know that I have tried.
I have seen the OW several times in the last couple of months, especially at the store and I dont feel anything when I see her, no anger... nothing..... I walk past her as if she doesnt exist.
So thank you Agony Aunts for all your comments, yes even the nasty ones.... you took the time to say what you had to say!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2010): Believe me, the other woman is going through hell - perhaps more than you are or have been going through. There are things that YOUR husband told her that lead her to believe that their affair was worth holding onto. He might have said things like, "I love you", "I don't love my wife anymore", "you are my soul mate" and "you make me feel alive again." Whether or not these things are true...only your husband knows.
The healing process for her may never find resolve and if it does, it just might take years. I'm willing to guess that she's trying to address being rejected right now by changing her look to fit yours...which is crazy.
Please don't be fooled and believe that your husband didn't play a heavy hand in the situation you currently find yourselves in. His reasons for dropping TOW and staying with you might have absolutely nothing to do with love, but with comfort and fear. Remember, its cheaper to keep her and dreaming is free.
I suggest you leave the other woman alone as your husband has probably turned her into a raving lunatic. Focus your anger on the one who could have stopped this situation from happening in the first place...your husband..or maybe you.
Good luck.
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female
reader, bd2009  +, writes (11 March 2009):
My husband had an affair. the other women new he was married that i was pregnant. The truth is a women can be the perfect wife cook, clean, listen, love sex, look nice for her husband all the time and he will cheat. Men can be They'll cheat just for the satisfaction of the game JUGGLING TWO WOMEN. But once they see that the other women is not what they thought they want their wife back. Men are arsewholes and their heads are full of crap. To the other women its a game and they have to win they. The only way to hurt them and get back at them is by your husband coming back to you and kicking her to the curb because then shell hurt just as much as you did. But if he does it a 2nd time you really dump his as like the garbage he is.
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reader, benefattore +, writes (21 October 2008):
 Obviously you weren't giving what your husband wanted.
So in turn he didn't give you want you wanted: faithfulness.
I hope you two learned from BOTH of your mistakes and will work harder to keep each other happy (sexually and emotionally).
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female
reader, warmrain  +, writes (21 October 2008):
To the poster.. Just want to let you know...husbands leave for a reason. They look for something thay are not getting at home. You may have him by the short and curly for a while but he wants more he will cheat again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): Dear Ms anonymous wife,
Thank you so much for your support of this lady, who has had marriage difficulties. Your story was so beautiful and brought tears to my eyes. Everything you have written is so very true, and we wouldn't be human if sometimes we didn't love to taste the bitter bite of "revenge". I hope this lady has listened carefully to your story and the advice from the named aunts who have understood her situation and wish her to move on and bring positivity into her life. The other woman is no threat, she can be safely ignored and left alone to regret what she has done. Marriages, can get stronger after affairs. Especially if divorce is placed on the table so everyone can understand clearly that they have so much to loose. My old aunt (dead now) and my uncle had a lovely marriage lasting over 50 years. I once asked her if her husband had ever cheated and she laughed and said, of course he had. Seems he was a bad boy when he was young, and was always with other women. She didn't give up on him, she wanted him, she loved him, so she chased them all away. Of course it must have hurt at the time, but after 50years of marriage the pain went away. Before she got sick, they were known for their flirting and naughtiness with each other, he would still hold her passionately and kiss her all the time. Disgusting, watching two elderly grandparents making out and acting like horny teenagers. This was all that mattered in the end, not other women, or memories of broken dreams and betrayals. Time heals all honeypie. Concentrate on your marriage and make your husband pay for making you cry. Demand a long honeymoon period, say 20years or so, force him to show you how important you are, and this will remove some of the pain and the sting. Take care of you always. There is hope of love and intimacy, marriages can be rebuilt and become stronger than ever. Work with him honey, try to see what went wrong and if there is anything you can do together to make sure that both of you stay in love and happy for the rest of your lives, then give it a try. Blessings and good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): What an interesting cross section of answers. I wonder how many of the 'nasty' anons who answered have experienced what it's like to be the injured party, the cheater or even the other woman/man?? I suspect none of you - for if you had you would know that your answers are too simplistic and lacking understanding of such a situation. Diovanlestat - thank god you got on and wrote something 'practical' and helpful and changed to tone abit! I have been in the same place you're at Poster - I know what that pain and anger feels like - and I too have had moments of wanting 'revenge' - on the OW and my hubby...but as time goes on you realise how pointless and harmful that is, it just damages YOU further. I can totally understand that feeling of satisfaction you feel though - to see this woman trying to 'be' you...you're right, some part of her would know that she will never be you and therefore never really have him....what she got of him was 'wrong' from the word go - she knows that too, she knows she settled for something second rate and on some level that has got to make her wonder about herself. On some level she prob knows it was you he wanted all along...and that something got in the way of the two of you that lead him to her??I agree with what the sensible aunts and uncles have written though - you do need to try to move on from this anger - it's true that alot of it is probably misplaced - it's your husband you are furious at...now you have to try and work out how to get over that. The counselling is a great step!This other woman is not worth thinking about (I know it's hard some days) - one of the things that helped me get over my intense hatred of the OW was to think about the fact that she didn't know me at all, she never thought of me when she went into this affair, she didn't 'owe' me anything - my husband did. He owed me respect and love and trust...he's the one that I need to feel remorse and to show me he wants to repair our marriage. If you wait for this OW to "understand" the pain she has caused you, to have 'insight' into what SHE has done - you will wait a long time...she has her own 'version' of events and her own pain believe it or not - she will never be able to put herself in your shoes as it would force her to see a side of her she doesn't really want to face, that's what I believe. Hopefully she will get to a point when she does gain insight so she doesn't do such a thing again. So - I choose to focus on ME, healing me, and my marriage...we are in some ways closer than we have been in years....I don;t feel 100% safe naturally, trust is very hard to rebulid once shattered like this...but unlike the posters on here who are convinced 'once a cheater, always a cheater, I choose to believe that my husband is a GOOD guy who made a really STUPID mistake, and that he has learnt his lesson. I choose to see a future for us that is happy and fullfilled. I also look at myself and what I can do to ensure that I help create that. I'm not blameless in this 'affair' - yes, I'm a victim, but I know there are 'factors' that belong to me in this. Hopefully all this will help us.You will have days when you will feel strong and able to be 'the bigger person' in this, other days you will feel like crying all day and will be consumed with fear and anger and hate...that's OK, that's 'normal' for what you are going through.Here's a little 'smug' moment of mine - to show that no matter how well you move forward you can still have 'moments'...I saw an email from my man's OW (first contact from her in months mind you)apologising for 'being seen in our street'...I won;t go into all that...but, I felt an immense sense of satisfaction to read that she had had an 'afternoon of emotional self torture, crying and thinking of their time together', feeling so alone etc etc etc....I liked knowing she is alone and crying even though a part of me feels awful for thinking like that! She went on to write how she still would like to apologise to me...and there was not one part of me remotely interested in any apology from her...that's when I knew she was 'nothing' to me anymore. She never was....the issue is with me and my husband - she was a 'factor' that's all, and we are doing just fine now. You'll be OK in time...but in the meantime if you feel better to think of that OW as fat and ugly and lame for imitating you...you go right ahead honey! ;-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Hi there. I am sorry you went through all this. And I fully agree with Smiles...very good advice. I can't help but think that this issue is not between you and her. It's between you and your husband. So I am pleased to hear that you are seeking counseling with him to work through the problems, in your marriage. His affair was selfish and very destructive. I think the point he needs to understand, fully is that he put himself smack in the middle of compromising situation, in which breached his marriage vows, which brought great hurt and mistrust into what should have been the safest place for you and him: your marriage.
And I feel , you are hurting badly, and aiming a lot of that anger and pain at this other woman. This what a lot of women do. They compare themselves to the other woman, and then they become vigilant to her faults. And we understand that but...do not give her that all this power. Take it back for yourself, and focus on him and realize that what he did to you, was downright cruel. I just hate to see you lose yourself, the 'healthy' part of yourself in order to heal and recover and move forward from this, into a happier life with this man, if that is your choice to remain with him.. Of course you still need time, to get through this.. Stay with the marriage counseling, but try not to give this other woman another thought. And if you cannot heal from this and it gets too hard for you, you do have choices: You can stay, think of her all the time and go batty, or you can stay and demand some changes in this marriage from him, or lastly, you can leave. It sounds like the best way for you, is to work this through with him, directly. I wish you both the best Good luck and take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): Dear Poster
I am sorry that you had been hurt and that you had to deal with the pain, hurt and humiliation of a cheating partner.
You sound like a very strong person and from what I read in the posting you had filed for the divorce and made his life difficult; You also mentioned he came back and he realized how much he was going to lose; did he come back because financially he was going to be "ruined"? Did finance have an impact on his decision?
I am happy that you are going for counseling; you will need lots of help to work through this; healing does not take place overnight; it can take a lot of time and effort;
I can understand your feelings towards the other lady, but you have to let go of those emotions; it is unhealthy and will make you unhappy and miserable; sit down some where alone and where you will have no interruptions; write down how you feel towards her, every thing, put your feelings and your thoughts on paper; be honest with yourself and don't hold back; nobody will see or read it or can critize you; once you are done; take the paper; read through what you wrote; highlight 5 key words or emotions; destroy the paper; ask yourself about the key words; how do they make you feel?
What emotions are linked with them i.e. anger; anxiety,jealousy, humiliation, hurt? When you have pin pointed those emotions you can ask your counselor to help you to overcome those emotions; those feelings.
Try to bring positive thoughts in your mind; try to think about good things; try not to think about her and don't let her effect you; she is probably doing these things to upset you and don't let her succeed with it; if she is trying to do a make over; vow,let her, even if she is trying to follow you; shows she has got very little taste of her own and she is probably not trying to get your husbands attention but she wants to upset you; if it is bugging you a lot; go and have a make over yourself; she won't be able to keep up.
You need to be very careful that your animosity towards this woman is not sensed by your husband; it will make it more difficult for the two of you to then rebuilt your relationship; you also have to be very careful and not let him know that you feel insecure or are "checking" because that will not help to repair the situation if you are trying to rebuilt and re unite; you will have to trust him; you both need to be able to communicate honestly with each other and try to be loving and understanding; rather focus on what was wrong in your marriage before the infidelity took place; make sure you avoid those mistakes again;
You both have a new start, but learn from mistakes.
I admire your strength to be able to move forward; not many women can do that; (don't allow this woman to be a shadow in your life). He is with you and if that is what you want then relax, enjoy and start learning to "let go" of the past.Learn from mistakes and focus on the future and your new beginning.
Best wishes and keep going with the counseling.
Rediscover each other and learn to value and appreciate each other.
Keep us posted.
Always keep SMILING.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2008): What do you expect her to do, love this woman who has slept with a man who was married. Beauty is skin deep, and this other woman has changed her looks to match that off the wife. She knows that the affair is finished, she still wants him to cheat on his wife, even though he has made his decision. This lady deserves to feel smug, because all she had to do was to walk away. The other lady has targeted this married man. If she had any decency at all, she would have walked away when he went back to his wife.
You all would love for him to cheat again, but it's not true that if you cheat once, you will cheat again. Maybe the lesson has been learned. Marriages can recover from an affair, and they can get stronger if lessons are learnt by everyone. Hi madam wife, if you have the time in the next year or so, please update your post and tell us how your getting on. I would love to hear that you and your husband are blissfully happy and that would wipe the smile of some of the nasty anonymous answers that you have been receiving. Don't anyone knock your confidence babes, not her, not him, and definitely not these bunch of anonymous strangers on a Dear Cupid website...
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): Sorry babes that there are so many anonymous unkind and nasty people in the world. I know your hurting and your trying to make yourself feel better about how you handled things. At the end of the day, you put in for a divorce and he choose you not her. Your working at your marriage and you don't have to watch him, because he chooses to stay close to you. She is trying to replace you, and you know this and obviously you hate her for this. I understand babes, there is nothing wrong with you or the way your feeling. There are an awful lot of smug people that like looking down on people because they think they got it so good... Hold your head high, you done what you had to do. People should learn more manners, you've been hurt and they think that by insulting you it makes them look good... Pathetic....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2008): I just don't like the fact monalisa you called the other woman a skank and the OP seems really bitter towards her other woman as well. There will always be willing women about, but you can't blame them unless you know them. It's totally your husbands fault, they should get all the blame and hatred.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008):
Sorry, but you sound like a bitch, which is probably the reason he strayed in the first place.
Maybe for all the fault you find in her, she is actual a nice, sympathetic woman who doesnt feel the need to make people grovel or goes around hoping people "are hurting like crazy". Like maybe she makes people feel good about themselves, not bad.
Even if you think you have the upper hand now I think chickens will come home to roost. You really need to examine your own personality and work on yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): I would be more worried my partner cheated with a dowdy type as you describe than a stunner - at least with a stunner you could see why. Are you not worried he'll fall for a frump again I mean there must be hundreds of them tempting him each day. I think you need a reality check - he cheated are you happy to accept that and move on? It doesn't sounds like it.
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female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (16 October 2008):
 lol Lazyguy. I can understand your smugness though poster. I would still be worried though if it was me! Good that you're both doing counselling though. Certainly cant do any harm can it.
Good luck.
C xxxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2008): Please, you both sound sad too me! you both got the raw end of the deal.
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male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 October 2008):
 Congrats, you won. Your prize, a lying cheating husband.
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