A
female
age
41-50,
*irlyGirl76
writes:So I was seeing a wonderful kind loving man from a far away country.We met while he was here on work and it felt like it was meant to be. We maintained this beautiful realationship for awhile and after about 5 months he was talking marriage and all the things that a girl wants to hear and have. The only way it was gonna work and we both knew it was to move to the others country. It made more sense for me to go that way because he has 2 preteen boys there and my daughter was turning 18. So we both agreed I would go to Canada. My daugther was ecstatic and spent a couple of months there. She loves him dearly and would love for him to be in his life. His boys on the other hand have been very apprehensive about this relationship. The proposal was probably the most perfect moment in my life. But after i had the ring things changed. Please understand that we were now 13 months into it when he did get down on one knee.All i needed from him was to get the immigration papers done so that we could send them in and finally start spending our lives together. He started a avoiding questions like when would he finish them, and what date should we set for the marriage. I really started to get cold feet because it seemed like he was hesitating and instead of him talking about his fears to me he was avoiding the whole topic. I became desperate and scared and one night drank too much and drunk dialled him. I dont even remember calling but i guess i said some real mean stuff about him and about his kids. Crap i cant even remember. Now he wants to call the whole thing off. But says he still loves me just really hurt and cant forget about the mean things i said. I will send the ring back to him but I really hope he will consider just slowing things down abit. It was happening quick now that i look back. Guess i was just so desperate to actually make it happen and begin my life with this guy. We are so good together and I cant stand to think I have lost him forever.I can't believe that it could be over because of one bad night. We have never really argued and i really think it came out of my fear and frustration of not knowing what the hell was happening. If he just would have opened up to me. And yes i believe it was happening way to quick. Cant we have another chance to try and just spending the time that is needed before we jump to quick?? What do ya think? Please any advice would be oh so grateful........xox
View related questions:
drunk Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (16 September 2010):
Hello again.
That's great you have decided to give him some space, as he has requested. That breathing space for him, will allow him time to really get his thoughts together about what he wants in his life.
Another thing standing in the way of your progress, is the fact that there is the long distance between you - you in Australia, and him in Canada.
There's no doubt he would be doing a lot of thinking about this as well, as he knows that all your family and friends are here in Australia and his are all there in Canada.
Whatever happens, it's going to be a massive change for one of you to make that move. It's also a huge ask for one person to want the other to move away from all their history and family ties, friends etc.
Ultimately, for the one who decides to move, it's saying goodbye to their old life, and everything they know. Sometimes people decide to go abroad and see how it goes, and then it might not go well at all.
Your feelings wouldn't change, because you already you love each other and would like a future together, but there's so much more to a long distance relationship like this one (different countries altogether), because the one whose family and friends are there is quite content - because nothing has changed for them.
But on the other hand, the one whose travelled halfway across the world to be with them, has made a massive sacrifice and taken a bit of a gamble as well. After a short time, you would miss your family and friends so much, that you would possibly be very unhappy and homesick.
Yes, you can email or text and make phone calls, but it's never the same as being able to see them and speak face to face and give them a hug. There's no comparison. You would get very lonely, and would very likely live to regret the move. When you felt that way, you would start to get agitated, moody and then the arguments would start. The next step would be resentment. And resentment can spell the beginning of the end for a relationship. It poisons it slowly but surely. You really don't want that.
And no matter how fantastically well you both get along with each other, the thought of what you have given up for him would almost constantly be on your mind. It would eventually get in the way of true happiness. This is what I am sure he needs space to think about, it's probably his main concern and believe me, he is thinking of you and your feelings when considering the reality of it all.
It would have a huge impact on your life if you moved to Canada to live with him. It would very soon after then, impact upon your relationship with each other, because of it.
So it's not only him who needs space, but also you. You really need to be honest with yourself in asking could you live with the consequences of that move? The change is going to be much more for you, as he would be living where he's lived all his life. His circumstances would be exactly the same, but you would be there with him.
Unfortunately, this is one of the downfalls of meeting someone who comes out to your country for either business or a holiday, it's like a fairytail while he's here, but then comes the inevitable day when they must return to their home country. And the fairytail ends abruptly.
It's a very difficult situation to be in and I personally would not like the uncertainty. But this sort of thing happens in real life. You hear of it all the time. Sometimes it works out well, others the change is too great to handle.
In the meantime, try not to stew it over in your mind too much and instead, get on with your life and make it as interesting and exciting as it can be. At the very least, for the time being it will take your mind off it and distract you away from it. Try to get together with your friends and catch up. Have fun and laugh and be happy.
Don't go out looking for someone else either. That would be a bad move, as you are not ready for a new relationship. Rebound relationships very rarely work out well.
The space you give each other, is going to do you both a lot of good. Over time, one day you might just come to a conclusion about what you want - and he will too. Then you go from there.
But it can't be rushed or forced to happen any sooner than it's meant to. If you are truly meant to be together in the future, you will be. All in good time.
Another thing you could do to remove any stress, is to go for walks - say 30 minutes. Make it a regular thing, every day if you can, and especially when you are feeling really uptight. It does help. You'll feel really relaxed and at peace with the world afterwards. It will also put everything into perfect perspective and into balance.
One last thing, remember that to give each other some space means - no contact whatsoever. It's really important that you do this.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (16 September 2010):
 You made a mistake, haven't we all at least once. I know about desperate email and text. I've been there, done that, and it never proved anything or brought the one I lost closer to coming back. I know the desire to, it's trying to prove yourself, getting him to remember his love for you and how you love him. It's good that you won't be sending anymore. You seem like a nice lady. I hope you are able to take that trip. I look forward to hearing that update. Just remember, no matter how slow you take it, if you're together, it's being together that's important, not the time it takes to walk down the isle.
...............................
A
female
reader, GirlyGirl76 +, writes (16 September 2010):
GirlyGirl76 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the tips everyone. I have spoken to him once and told him how sorry I was and that it was all a mistake.He has asked for sometime to be alone - so I will give him that. No more desperate emails or texts. I am hoping he will give me this chance and maybe just spend more time together without the pressure of the engagement. I have sent him back the ring and have expressed my desire to come out there in the New Year for 3 or 4 weeks just to be with him. I am hoping he will at least allow that. If I had the time off work right now and the $$$ I would leave this moment. Will keep you all posted and thanks again.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (15 September 2010):
I think you remember what you said, or you're repressing it to try to forget that the phone call happened..... or you need to stay away from alcohol, because if you really don't remember it could mean that you have an alcohol problem.
You need to face how you handled the situation. You were upset, and who wouldn't, but was getting drunk and saying things you'd regret the way to handle it? Why should he put his trust in you when this is how you handle being upset? Is it a preview of how you would be if married? and Is what you said about his kids a preview of how you would be treating them?
I know that sounds harsh, but you need to put yourself in his shoes. You've said what you want, but that's not all that's important. You have him, his kids and your daughter that need to be taken into account as well. You are looking at wanting him to give you two a chance, you need to first own up to what happened. Lets say you do remember, but you're saying you don't, that would be trying to write your actions toward him as being not your fault, where under the influence or not if it's out of your mouth, you're at fault. Taking responsibility for how you reacted is what has to happen first. If what was said has been repressed, you need to spend some time digging for it so you can grasp the damage caused by what had been said. Next, you apologize, and state what it was that you did that you know was wrong and that you are asking forgiveness for. Also state your fears and why you reacted the way you had, but reaffirming that your being hurt and confused was no excuse for doing so. See, if you say sorry, but have or can't remember why it is you're apologizing, then the apology is blind, and the question if the acts would be repeated remains unresolved.
If the love between you two is true I want for you two to work it out and eventually get married. If he's willing, I think taking it slower and rebuilding your relationship could work if that's what you two decide to do. Communication definitely needs to be more open, and fears need to be discussed and worked through. Overcoming the concerns of his children is vital as well, which that apprehension may have been reason for his backing off and avoiding questions before. I hope this helps, take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (15 September 2010):
Hi there. It's difficult since you both live on other sides of the world. You can't just go there for the weekend.
Is your contact mainly by phone? It's really hard to say what you really mean on the phone. It's so impersonal.
Perhaps you could write him a letter. So many things can be easily poured out of the heart and onto paper. You can say so many things that you would never be able to say on the phone or face to face. When you write, it always comes directly from the heart and once it flows, it keeps going.
In writing, don't get emotional or abusive (like the drunk phone call), just don't go down that path at all. Be friendly and respectful and always loving, and be totally honest. Just say exactly what you are feeling and just exactly all the thoughts you are having.
I guess that if you have his phone number, you must probably also have his residential address.
I feel that a letter would be so much better than writing an email or a text message. It's very personal as well.
Don't call him whatever you do. Give him some space - after you write the letter, that is.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
...............................
|
