A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. We have lived together almost the entire time. Although I am almost 30 years old, I had never been in a serious relationship before. He is the first guy I have ever loved. We have had our rocky times but always seem to come through them. We make plans for the future and I believe we both take the relationship equally as seriously and love each other. Due to my inexperience in relationships, I am frequently second-guessing myself and my feelings. My boyfriend works from home and is limited a lot by the fact that he is awaiting getting his driver's license reinstated. I have been very supportive from the start. I will go ahead and say, I do make things too easy for him and probably do too much because I notice the resentment at times. I understand that he can't contribute as much financially right now (he only gets small jobs around our neighborhood) and we are not hurting too bad financially. What bothers me, is I feel like I am making a lot of sacfrices (paying all the bills, working everyday, driving him anywhere he needs to go, etc). I almost hate mentioning that because it isn't the money that really bother me. I am bothered by the fact that I see so many opportunities for him to show me he appreciates all I do in such simple ways. I mean, he is home ALL DAY and it would mean so much to me (and he knows it) to come home to see the house is cleaned or he prepared me a special dinner. He will spend hours watching stuff on the computer or will buy tools for himself but NEVER buys anything for me or seems to go out of his way for me at all. It isn't the kind of thing I can ask for because that would defeat the purpose. I keep telling myself that I am just not seeing what he does for me and I am focusing on the negative or what he doesn't do. I do believe he appreciates me but the more I see him put himself first and make efforts to get things and do for himself, the more it makes me feel like I am being taken for granted. I need advice on whether I am being very petty and selfish or, if not, how I can get him to see I need him to show and make some effort to show he appreciates me and is willing to sacrifice even a little to make me happy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi again... I am the original poster. I really do appreciate all of your comments. I am looking for advice, not just a shoulder to cry on. Notice I constantly make the statement I am probably being selfish. I am open to being told that but I do need direction. As to why I didn't answer the question about why we moved in together so quickly, I simply didn't want to get into the long story. I knew from the start many of the problems I was setting up by moving in with someone I didn't know that well. However, although we have only been dating a year and a half, we have known each other longer. The troubles caused by moving in before adequately getting to know one another are evident to me. But I would do it again anyday. Yes, he did make some poor choices in his past but I have seen the positive growth in him. He is in his 30's and old enough to be who he was going to be. But the more I got to know him, the more I realized there is always more to a person. He showed me (not just in words, but actions) that he wanted to make good decisions and live a better life. He never had anyone very supportive in his life. He inspires me, makes me feel stronger and motivates me. I have made a lot of things easy for him but I have never let up on challenging him to continue to make good decisions and grow. It might not have been the smartest way to begin a relationship but I guess I will have to take the good with the bad because I take responsibility for my choices.
You are all correct who have pointed out that, like all of use, men are not mind-readers. I should not have expected him to take "hints" when I am a grown woman who should know how to speak up for what she wants. I am determined to speak up more and also to be more appreciative of what he does that I don't always give credit for. Again, thank you.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Thank you Jilly, for pointing out some key things that I think our OP might have overlooked in her followups. Very good points indeed! I am still curious why they moved so quickly. The "getting to know each other" phase is challenging if you have nowhere to go upon discovering that what you didn't know is a deal-breaker.
That being said, one thing I have learned over the years: men are not mind readers. They do not pick up on invisible waves emanating from your brain, sending unheard and unseen and undetectable messages. They think everything is fine if there is no complaining or discussions. Because you don't have a lot of experience with relationships, I'm afraid you are subscribing a little to the youthful theory, which goes like this: "If he loved me, he'd know what I want without me having to tell him."
EEEEENNNNNNNNNNGGGGGKKKK. Wrong. Men do NOT know what is wrong or what is expected of them if you are not clear about it.
There is nothing wrong with saying, a month or two weeks before the event, "Hey, just so you know, birthdays are really special to me. I know you don't have a lot of cash to throw around, but a love letter from you and a nice home-cooked meal would be worth more than a thousand-dollar gift. It would mean a great deal to me, in fact, to have my birthday celebrated. I like that."
There is everything wrong with you sitting quietly, not telling him that you feel this way, and then fuming when he doesn'd deliver what he didn't know was expected of him. I am tempted to call it childish, but because you don't have a lot of experience in relationships, you haven't learned this yet.
You now know your guy's baseline is minimal birthday fuss. The onus is now on you to communicate to him what it is you expect, in a reasonable, bright and loving manner.
"Hey hon, I'm exhausted when I come home from work, and I find it upsetting to see dirty dishes in the sink and yesterday's towels on the floor. Is there something we need to discuss about this?"
Be clear. "It is upsetting to me when__________ does/doesn't happen." "I would feel so cherished and appreciative if you _______________." Now, the flip side of this is that he has the same right to communicate HIS needs and desires to you. It's a two-way street.
You have to stop expecting him to be a mind-reader. You are simply setting him up for failure and setting yourself up for disappointment. Sorry, life's that way. No magic mind-readers, alas.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): To the original poster!
" First off, I think I may have unintentional presented my boyfriend in an inaccurate light." FROM the original posting of the question, just to clarify the point!
Lots of sensible advice from Tisha and Jilly and of course others too - which none of the points raised from them were commented on, such as " Why did you move in so quickly? It takes a while to get to know someone, and getting so involved so fast leaves nowhere to run if things deteriorate. " From Tisha - Jilly also mentioned this.
Quote:
"just had a birthday and, although he told me happy birthday, he didn't get me a card, cook me a special dinner or anything. I know he is limited on money but he bought himself a tool about 2 days after my birthday. I was feeling neglected and probaly being selfish. "
So he's either lazy emotionally or not, and from the above this is certainly an indication he is, and ONE that been covered in the advice from A & U. We don't learn these things as we go along in a relationship, if all this hasn't been learnt or comes naturally by the age of 30-35, then that is the man SET for life. That is what you've got, that is why we date, to find out all those things before we live together.
Advice: is not just about giving a sympathetic ear, or shoulder to cry on. It's about opening the eyes and ears of the person with the problem to be able to see other options, or perhaps if they had taken a different approach, they may not be in the current situation. This being one of them - If you had dated for 12 months spending more and more time together, slowly but surely as the honeymoon period faded, you would have seen his rather immature ways of conducting himself in a long term relationship. This is common sense, not a case of breaking anyone down. And you would have been been able to make an informed choice as to whether to take the relationship to the ext stage, moving in!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off, to the anonymous reader who decided to break me down rather than provide advice (as is the point of this site), why even take the time to write anything? And I never stated my information was inaccurate, I just felt some points were taken the wrong way. All of my original comments were accurate, I was only trying to point out that I didn't intend for my comment about him cleaning the house to imply that he NEVER cleaned or did any housework. I am not complaining about a lazy boyfriend who never does anything and freeloads off of me. I don't believe my original question implied that but I just wanted to be clear. What I was looking for was advice on what I think is a pretty common man/female issue where I start to feel unappreciated because as a male he doesn't understand how nice it is to be treated special. I just had a birthday and, although he told me happy birthday, he didn't get me a card, cook me a special dinner or anything. I know he is limited on money but he bought himself a tool about 2 days after my birthday. I was feeling neglected and probaly being selfish. Thank you all for your advice, though. It has been helpful.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2010): So really there wasn't a problem at all, like a lot of females she was just off-loading and was NOT totally accurate.
She states she was perhaps inaccurate with her information about her boyfriend, and has actually protects him (Commendable) after she complains about driving him everywhere. The replies/advice were aimed at how she depicted him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): well i hope you told him more explicitly what would be nice, i mean maybe it wouldn't be 'thoughtful' if you supplied all the thoughts for him but i think the big thing we mentioned was break it down because men don't know what we want. be explicit!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHello & Thank you all for your helpful comments! I was the question-asker and just wanted to say a couple things. First off, I think I may have unintentional presented my boyfriend in an inaccurate light. I never meant to imply that he doesn't do housework or chores or anything like that. I am talking about doing those things to make someone feel special above the everyday stuff. I mentioned the cleaning thing as something special only because it is really easy and he is home all day.
Ironically, when I got home yesterday he mentioned that he frequently thinks about what special things he can do or get for me but can never figure out what I want. That made me realize he really is just clueless! I explained to him that it is not about money but about the effort and sacrifice put into something to make someone feel special.
Anyway, I thank you for your advice and feel pretty confident we will be ok. By the way, his license issue has nothing to do with DUI. It is a long story but he is being accountable and, unlike many people without a license, he is taking his punishment and not driving. He rides his bike or I give him a ride if he needs to go somewhere but he is extremely conservative and doesn't abuse the offer.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 November 2010):
Why did you move in so quickly? It takes a while to get to know someone, and getting so involved so fast leaves nowhere to run if things deteriorate. Did he HAVE to move in with you? Has he been making poor choices in some way, is that why he has no driver's license either?
Quiet Echo is perfectly correct, there is nothing wrong with being clear about what you want and need in a relationship and expressing it. He probably thinks you're okay with things the way they are, he's not a mind-reader and unless you tell him how you're feeling, he sounds unlikely to figure it out all on his own. If he's as self-centered as you portray, there's no advantage to him in wondering what you might like; it will only mean more work for him, and he doesn't actually sound like the self-starting kind of guy.
Honestly, I would be looking for a way to get this back on a more reasonable dating basis, as in, he has to find his own place and you two can get to know each other a bit better that way. It's probably too late for that but I think expressing that sentiment would probably start an air-clearing discussion. Jilly is right in that most people date to see if they are truly compatible. You bypassed that step and now you are facing one of the downside consequences.
Ask for what you want. Be clear about it. You can be nice and loving while you ask, being clear and direct doesn't indicate that you are being mean.
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female
reader, sugarcandy +, writes (10 November 2010):
Men don't read minds. No, he doesn't know you'd appreciate it if he made you dinner, or that you feel you sacrifice so much. He really doesn't.
Men take things at face value, we women read into everything and project our desires upon guys and expect them to know what we feel and what we want, when really they are absolutely clueless we're even thinking about such items as "he didn't say i looked cute today, does that mean i'm ugly?" No, he just completely forgot to tell you you looked cute.
You're 30.
You need to tell him exactly what you want.
And don't be afraid to voice your opinion. Relationships are about COMPROMISE.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Hi,
Relationships are all about communication and compromise. You are doing what so many women including myself have done and allowed yourself to be the one making most of the compromise. Nobody like chores but for some reason many men( sorry guys) feel like it's an alien concept which can be overlooked in favor of something more important ....like tv or the computer. I think its half learned from their parents and the other half is they are just not nesters like us females. I'm probably going to get people upset over saying that but its just my personal observations from relationships I've had.
I consider my husband to be extremely domesticated but in his mind, cleaning is a once a month act when things get out of control and cooking should never be tried unless you have a degree in cookery and a week to plan the menu. It takes a lot of effort to unlearn these type of habits.
Many men do not take subtle hints, they don't even act on requests. What my husband reacts well to is my asking how he would like it if the shoe was on the other foot (something that came from advice on here). He does react well to me explaining that I need his support followed by an exact explanation of what that entails. My advice is sit your guy down. Tell him you need more help from him especially while he is not working. Give him a chore list and tell him what needs to be done each day. Remind him that there are two of you living in the house/apartment. Personally, I don't nag my husband about this stuff...I don't want to be turned into a nag ever. Sometimes, I remind him when he hasn't done something. sometimes I ask him to make sure it's done by x time and I ask him if he thinks I'm being unfair(reminding him of our agreement or of all the chores I completed while he was sitting at the computer). He often reacts with ' why didn't you remind me sooner'. To that I just tell him we had an agreement and he needs to remember this stuff himself, I'm not his brain. I also remind him from time to time of all the free time he still has and I even reward him with extra free time like him skipping grocery shopping when he has completed his chores. Honestly, I know it sounds ridiculous but he reacts really well to it and I prefer to grocery shop alone anyhow:)
One thing I would say is please don't mention money, you say it's not an issue and it's likely to make him feel like crap. If the tools are for his work then I don't think you should be feeling left out. He is being sensible while he struggles with work. You should remind him that you love him. Also remind him how much more rested you'll be with his help and how that will help your relationship. He may feel a threat to his manhood if he has never done chores before. Or he might be concerned he can't do them as well as you. Just tell him he'll own all these chores while he has the time to do them and once he's back at work you can agree to change. I would still recommend you make an effort to share some chores, cook him a special meals at the weekend and recommend easy cook meals for him to make during the week, help him manage his workload, don't get mad, encourage etc and don't forget to take notice of what he achieves and thank him. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2010): Oh I feel for you, and I know everyone will give loads of advice on how you should share duties, give and take, don't be too naggy etc..etc... but YOU entered into living with a guy you didn't KNOW. What his habits, standards were. That is why we date before get to the serious part, sorting out IF we really are compatible, to get a chance to see the person after a few months of dating..how they behave, how they think women should be in the home, and from what you say, he's still in the boy stages.
I cannot understand WHY anyone would suggest you tread carefully with a fully grown MAN who should be taking his share of the chores automatically, NOT as a bartering tool from you to get him to be grown up.
Yes you can be gentle in your ways of asking, suggesting, or even persuading him to do more, but realistically IF at 30-35 he is still NOT taking care of himself and being an active partner in every way, this is unlikely to change, this has been handed down from his Mum, who probably did everything and he just had to call out, and she was there.
This may be something you resign yourself to accepting IF you love him in every other way, or be prepared to constantly remind him of his in-put, a bit like a mother does..or last resort really consider if this guy is really who YOU want in your life.
Good luck!
Jilly
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female
reader, fishdish +, writes (9 November 2010):
 I think one thing that's helped in my own relationship with a live in bf is to make a chore chart for each of you so that you don't take up his slack. maybe you can make him a dinner and straight up say, next time, you do this for me, and we'll switch back and forth. tell him that you need your load lightened a little. try not to throw in his face the fact that you're the breadwinner, but do explain that you feel like you're never given a break whn you DO come home. I think your relationship can withstand that kind of talk if you take it rationally and not naggy. report back! :)
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