A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for 15 months. We love each other very much. However, 7 months into our relationship I discovered that he has a child with his last partner of 2 years. I was skeptical throughout these 7 months as I had heard roumors, and he would never let me near his mobile phone, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Since this, I have met his son and we have both started to see him up until 4 months ago, when his ex partner stopped contact due to my partner having to work during the day! The thing is, it really upsets me, I cannot out my finger on what it is. I don't really like children; I get very awkward around them and I don't see myself wanting any. It makes me very upset when social services become involved and my partners family talk about his ex all the time and how bad of a mother she is. Deep down I want to tell them I don't care and it's not my problem- but for the sake of my partner I don't- I try to support him as much as I can. But I still get this empty feeling when he has any contact with the child. I will never ask him to choose between us, but I become very upset. I think it's just the lies and how he tricked me into our relationship that hurts most. But now I love him I can't just walk away. I don't know how to cope feeling like the other woman, or an add-on to his life. I don't know how to be around children. I will admit that some times I did enjoy seeing his son, who has only just turned 1 year old, but it still gets to me. It just doesn't feel fair that he sees his ex and I have to drive him everywhere, I don't want to sound selfish but I have reached the point where I feel the need to burst...I just don't know why. The more I think about I feel angry, upset, betrayed and hurt. I hope you can offer me some advice on how to feel, cope and what to talk to my partner about.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 December 2012):
 The part that scares me most is not the fact that he is a single dad and you don't like children , it's the timing.
This child is 12 months old, and you have been dating for 15 months. So this means that when you got into the relationship , the kid's mom was 6 month pregnnat and he never mentioned it. Holy moly. It never came up in conversation , what did you do today, oh I just went shopping for a crib, you know, since in 3 months I am becoming a dad...
I am not even one to insist on big disclosures, I am fine without knowing if you slept with 25 women or 35, or if you got caught smoking pot in the school bathroom in high school. The past is past, in general, plus many things are personal and are not to be shared until you have a bond of trust with that person.
But one should not misrepresent the basics, this is like dating somone under a false name and address.
One thing a person MUST know before entering into a relationship is their partner's real marital status : single, separated, divorced.... and number of children.
Sure he did not tell you because he did not want to risk losing you and he waited until you where more hooked on him... but that's not so romantic as it sounds, to me it's downright scary. A man like that will stop at nothing to get what he wants, and to make things go his way, and fuck what's YOUR interest. A man like that is capable of telling lies about everything, work, debts, other women, STD s,.... I don't see how you can trust him now , I sort of admire you. This sin of omission is so BIG to me that I could not believe him anymore any time he goes out to buy cigarettes, I'd think what code " cigarettes " is for, and what he is really up to. Honestly, if I were you I WOULD walk away .
I've got a feeling you won't, so you'll just have to make the best of what you have, I.e. a partner who's a parent. I guess you'll have to accept that this kid is , and always be, a big part of your bf's life, in fact I would say that it's a redeeming quality that at least he cares about the child. Try not to see yourself in competition, it's not exactly that the child is No. 1 and you are no. 2, it's two different kinds of loves that can't even be compared, each one is true and important, it's just that at times the child will be his priority because he has the RIGHT to be it, being young defenseless and vulnerable. His wellbeing comes first not so much because he is HIS child, but simply because he is A child .
As for not liking children, who knows, maybe it also comes from not being used to them, I know that's a totally different thing but for instance I did not particularly liked cats and never wanted one, till my then fiance' gave me a kitten, and I did not have the heart to tell him that I was not thrilled about the gift, so... long story short, in time I've become a big cat lover.
Give the kid a chance , keep your mind open, you never know, some times they grow on you.
If it does not happen, it does not happen, and you do not have to feign a love and affection that you don't feel, you have just to be normally nice as you'd be to any human being that has been thrown underfeet to you, without his fault and will. Tap onto your resources of compassion and empathy and accept that if there's somebody to blame, that's surely not the kid.
With all that, I think that you may find out that your love for this guy is not enough to make you sign up for a situation in which you feel uncomfortable, unhappy and trapped, and , I told you already, you don't have to, because you have been deceived . Life is short and we all deserve a stab at being the happiest we can- and foryou the unhappiness of being a forced stepmother may be more than the happines of staying with your partner.
A
male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (13 December 2012):
Quite some time ago, one of my friends uncles was speaking to me about dating/marrying a woman with children. He said to me the following - "Take the number of children she has, then add one to it. That's the place you have in her life. If that's not ok with you, don't be with a woman with children."
Some of the sagest advice on dating I've ever received. Proceed accordingly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): You should pack your bags and leave right now, first of all he shouldn't have lied to you, I would have been upset also. Once you found out he has a child, you should have cut all contacts at that point knowing you don't like children, and second, I could never let those words come from my mouth "I don't really like children" because I was a child at one point or maybe I mis-understood exactly how you said that because I love all children, they are so cute at that age.
I personally don't think you really mean you don't like children, I think it's the trouble and problems that the ex causes like not being a good mother, social service involved or it's always the baby needs this or the baby needs that and I'm sure you have to drive him to pick up the baby.
If you love the baby's dad so much that you find it hard to walk off then maybe you should make it your business to get to know the mother for yourself than listening to rumors or how others are talking about her, if I were the mother I would want to get to know you as well if my baby coming around you.
It's easy to love than hate, love bring peace, hate bring stress and everything else. If you can get close to the mother then love for the child will soon soak in.
Sometimes things happen for a reason, being around this child could really change your out look on children and maybe one day you will want a child of your own.
It doesn't sound like he's still seeing the baby's mother, sound like he really loves you.
I'm thinking maybe the reason he didn't tell you about the child is because he probably thought he was just going to mess around with you for a little while but then messed around too long and fell in love with you. Sweetie, you are still young these things happens all the time and he's still young also.
The man I met told me he couldn't have any children and guess what? I GOT PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!
Hope everything work out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): Its easier to be involved with a single dad and always be second best in his life, if you are also a single mom and therefore will put your own child before him. That way its equal
The resentment is natural because a single woman dating a guy with a child is not a balanced relationship. you put him first but he always puts you second and people say that's how it should be. This is an unbalanced relationship. In what context is this ever healthy??
At least if you were also a single parent then you both would put each other second below your respective kids so its more balanced and equal power and thus healthier.
For this reason I don't think its a good idea for a relationship where one partner has kids and the other doesn't.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2012): Its totally normal to feel this way. You HAVE been betrayed and lied to and that's not something one gets over easily, if ever.
You fell in love with a man with the understanding it was just you and him. Then you later discover that he lied to you and now its not just you and him, its actually you and him and a kid and an ex. Forever. This is pretty mind blowing. He pulled the rug out from under you.
I personally would leave him. Not because of the kid but because he lied and betrayed your trust. How can you ever trust him ever again?
If you insist on staying with him then I think you should just give yourself time without pressure to think or feel a certain way. Allow yourself to feel the way you do cos you are entitled to your feelings. It may take a long time like a few years in fact before the pain lessens. If you can tolerate that you may eventually find happiness with him and his kid eventually.if you cant or don't want to sit with these disturbing feelings indefinitely you don't have to, you can leave him. But don't ever blame yourself for your feelings.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): I hate to tell you that I have no good news or a cure to fix your feelings. Dating someone with a child and ex wife or ex girlfriend is very difficult. You need to accept that you will always come second, that his ex will always be in his life, that the most important aspects of his life will always revolve around his child or ex girlfriend. That's why you have to hear about it from his family. You are pretty young to be taking this on. I was the same age when I dated a man with a child and it was heartbreaking. I felt so selfish because I was essentially jealous of a child. I hated the ex always being there. Every time she called about something the baby needed I became angry, we couldn't go out because the baby needed to visit the doctor and the mom had no money to do it herself. Things like this happened frequently but even just her calling upset me, I didn't want either of them as part of my relationship. It was just an awful situation. It ended over a fight about the kid and it hurt a lot because I did love the guy, but it was definitely for the best which I found out later on. I didn't want to be second to another woman's child all the time. I had thought love was enough to overcome the issues and I was wrong. After a few months I moved on and ended up marrying someone later with no baggage. I understand your feelings completely. And I understand that you don't want to end it, I thought I could handle it too with my ex. But the resentment builds. It's so young to have to become a step mom. Especially if something does happen to where he has the child all of the time. And having to plan your life around his child. If you ever wanted to move for example, you can't. If they ever moved, your boyfriend would probably want to go with them. It's a problem I faced with the ex. It's endless problems. I think it's easiest for older couples where they are both single parents, they understand the responsibilities and can handle it much better. I wish your boyfriend hadnt lied to you because that was very crappy, and I'm sorry you are in this predicament. I honestly don't see how to get over the resentment and to just deal with this, which is not the news you want to hear I know. But it's too much baggage and betrayal to continue this forever with him. He needs to learn to be upfront and not to be ashamed of his child when dating someone and maybe this won't happen.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): "I hope you can offer me some advice on how to feel, cope and what to talk to my partner about."Agree with Aidan word for word, whether or not bf is a scumbag (and he seems to be) he is also a father, and his child should always come first.Poor kid has enough baggage already, he doesn't need resentment from the virtual stranger with whom his father is sleeping. Do the right thing for the son's sake (and yours) by ending it now. You'll only be prolonging and exacerbating the misery if you try to hang on.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (12 December 2012):
His child will always come first and his ex partner will always be a part-and a big one-of his life. What’s really awful about this situation is that if he’d been decent and honest about this from the start you might have been able to walk away before you got so deep in to this relationship and became so emotionally invested in it. But the fact remains that if you can’t accept his child there is no future between you, and if you think that you can pretend that that resentment isn’t there you are just going to end up more and more unhappy. It would be different if it were just a case of you feeling awkward around the child because you don’t know how to interact with kids. You could talk to your partner about this and he could help you, you’d soon get used to it. But you seem unable to cope with the very fact that he has a child and all the implications that has. There’s no law that says you should, by the way. But this relationship really does have no future. He is not a good partner: he is selfish. His child should always be his top priority so he should not even consider dating some-one who couldn’t accept his child and the fact that he comes first. Instead of being truthful, however, he tried to keep this from you for so long so that he could have it all, and that’s meant that leaving this relationship, which you need to do I’m afraid, is just going to be even more tough and painful for you. For that you’ve every right to feel angry, upset, betrayed and let down. Get lots of support from the people around you and walk away from this now.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Candid Cally +, writes (12 December 2012):
The only advice I have might help you feel a little less empty towards his son.
This child should be at a fun age to interract with. When you smile and talk in an excited voice, he should smile back and act excited. He will probably love playing peek-a-boo. My nephew is about the same age and his favorite toys are flashing light up balls, and any soft toy that plays music. His favorite game is a kind of peek-a-boo, but with a large, super silky piece of fabric. I'll billow it over him, then gently pull it away with a smile on my face. When he can see me again, he giggles up a storm and we do it all over again.
Sharing smiles with the baby might just change your feelings towards it. My fiance hated babies until my niece learned to walk and started to talk. He still dislikes my nephew cuz he doesn't walk or talk yet.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 December 2012):
 I'm sorry - dating a guy who doesn't tell you up front he has kids, well that is shady, but not totally strange. I guess he didn't want to scare you away, but that the same time he took away "the easy" way out for you. He waited to tell you til you were good and hooked on him.. He waited 7 MONTHS!
These kids will NEVER go away, they are forever a part of him. And, I'm afraid to say, SO is his EX gf. As the mother of these kids.
If he prioritize YOU over his kids, he is a rotten father, if he prioritize THEM over you, you feel neglected.
Honestly I get that you love the guy, but there are a lot of things you can sweep under the carpet... KIDS aren't one of them.
What happens if Social Services deem the mother unfit? Then someone HAS to step up and guess what? THAT someone would be their dad, your BF.
I would honestly consider ending it and ONLY date single guys with no baggage in the form of kids.
If I had know prior to meeting my husband HOW much DRAMA and trouble it is to be married/dating a guy with this kind of baggage ( in my case and ex wife and kids + and an ex gf with a child) I would have NEVER dating and certainly never married my husband. I'm not saying it hasn't been worth the struggle, but... my life could have been MUCH much easier and MUCH much more drama free.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): i know you love him but for him to hide something that is as important has having a child for 7 months id be feeling is he the man i fell for? he should have told you straight away and the fact that you might have said you dont want children is even more of a reason to tell you as the woman he is going to be building a life with will play some sort of role in thr childs life! his child should always come first and if you cant deal with that you shouldnt be with him or any man with young childreni wouldnt trust your boyfriend as far as i could throw him for lying about something that is so important
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2012): I am married to a man with three children from different women. If I had known the extent of the involvement of all the mothers and the actual time spent collecting and ferrying these children around I would not have got involved with him. I was lead to believe he hardly if ever saw them but it turned out that once he was in a stable relationship with me the mothers couldn't wait to palm the kids off onto us. I think either you like children or you don't and if you are not keen it is very difficult to keep up a relationship with a man with children without a certain amount of resentment creeping in. The thing is the children or child will always be put before you and for some that is hard to cope with. If you choose a man with a child you Iwill always be second best and invariably whether you like it or not have to have some involvement with the mother of that child. It is not selfish not being interested in all of this but if you can't do it and it is not for everyone then you need to be honest and upfront with your partner before you become deeply entrenched. He clearly chose not to tell you as he knows you don't like children but didn't want to lose you and that was highly manipulative of him. This situation is not going to get any better and the time spent will increase as the child gets older. Think very carefully about what you want and what you can cope with and move away if you can't do justice to it all.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 December 2012):
 You have a partner that has a child.
You don't like or want children. IF YOU stay with him you are in essence the quasi-stepmom. If you marry you are the stepmom.
I assume he kept his child a secret because you made it clear you don't like or want kids.... would you have not gotten involved with him if he had been up front about his child? If so, well then you have to consider that he LIED to you to get you... what other LIES or deceptions will he try to pull off to KEEP YOU?
I really think you need to consider ending the relationship and not have relationships with fathers of small children after this.
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