A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years now. When we got together his ex fiancé was pregnant with his child, she kicked him out not long after she found out. Recently they have been getting on better, for their daughters sake. I don’t know why, but when he was round my house at the weekend, I looked through his phone while he was in the shower, I had a gut feeling, I know I really shouldn’t have done it, but I did. I found so many texts from his ex, (which is to be expected, about their daughter etc), but there’s some that have got me really worried. One of the conversations was as follows:Him: Do you mind me talking dirty to you?Her: I don’t sometimes but you shouldn’t xHim: Meh you love it xHim: Meh I’ll let my actions do the talking get in my bed xOther texts I found from her had things like ‘we will make new memories, very enjoyable and good memories x’ and ‘I don’t forget these things’…’How to turn you on x’Another one had ‘I don’t think your gf would like that x’ in it, but he deletes most of his sent texts so I don’t know what it was about.I’m really worried. I’ve always trusted him, and he’s never given any indications that he would cheat or anything but now I’m not so sure. His ex lives about a 2 hour drive away, so I guess I shouldn’t worry too much, but fact is they have a child together and will have constant contact for years to come. Any advice/help would be greatly appreciated, thank you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your advice, I know I definitely need to talk to him, and I know it's not going to end well...and no he didn't cheat on her with me, I meant she kicked him out not long after she found out that she was pregnant, I should have phrased that better.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): What do you mean he's never given you reason to think he'll cheat? Didn't he cheat on her with you? If I read that correctly then thats reason enough right there don't you think?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 He is not over her. It sounds to me like he is cheating on you with her, because she feels "safe". As in he thinks she would never tell you.
Honestly, I'd end it now. They may not have had sex, but it sounds like they are planning on re-living.. a few things. No one just has sex for "old times sake".
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 June 2011):
 2 hours is nothing, i've driven that to have dinner with my boyfriend.
are you strong enough to leave?
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 He clearly has baggage,both emotional in that he still seems to have feelings for his ex and physical attachments to the ex in that they share a child together,ive learnt to trust my gut as it rearly leads me astray as you have seen in your situation,there are too many red flags preventing the both of you frm enjoying a normal,healthy n progressive relationshp,i think you need to cut your losses n move on but the choice is truly yours as regards whats best for you,gd luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): He has been quietly, sneakily lusting after his ex right under your nose probably the whole time you have known him. And it wouldn't be a shock if most of their 'rows' have been because they were both finding it hard to move on and not because of disagreements over his daughter. Remember he didn't jump, he was pushed out of their relationship. Probably for behaving as he is doing with you now!
It is quite apparent that he is having great difficulties moving on from her. It can take some people years to do so. Sometimes many years. Your partner still fancies his ex and he has told her he would like to sleep with her. She is doing nothing to discourage him. She seems to be enjoying the attention and encouraging it. And that has bed news written all over it!
2 hours is no distance really, so don't depend on distance to keep him from sleeping with her. Because if or when the chance presents itself he will probably want to. And as she has his daughter, he has very good reasons to visit his ex's home many times over the coming years. What an exhausting worry that is going to be for you. Is it really worth it? Unless you go with him when he visits, you will never know what he is up to with her because there is no trust now.
After two years together it would be very hard for you to just walk away and tell him you don't love him anymore. That would only lead to questions and having to make up lies. Then you would have a very 'hurt' ex boyfriend dragging his sorry butt around with everyone feeling bad for him and thinking you are mean!
So it might be best to grasp the nettle and own up to what you did, then ask him if he would like to explain why he is talking to his ex about sex and wanting to sleep with her. He will probably be a little indignant that you checked his phone but when he sees you might be out the door, he will turn on the waterworks and beg for forgiveness. Whether you decide to try and trust him and stick with him for the long haul is up to you. But personally, knowing what you now know and the fact that this woman will be in his life for many years to come. You might decide to move on. I think i would have to because no one who treated me with so little respect, would be worth one sleepless night let alone many years of them.
You need someone who is free to love you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2011): If he hasn't cheated yet, he will. They're basically openly planning to do it and maybe they already have. And even if they didn't physically have sex, I would consider these texts to be cheating, because of the sexual content and the fact that obviously he's hiding it from you.
I'm concerned that you had no idea anything was up at all. He must be an extremely good liar.
and yes he will have constant contact with her because of their child.
this is just wrong - that he is morally obligated to stay in touch with the person he's cheating on you with! this is just messed up.
I think you should leave him before it gets worse because I don't see this problem going away by itself. let him get back with his ex and relive all over again why they broke up in the first place.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Susie  +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Gut feelings can often be right. What you do next is a hard one. It will be difficult to confront him without telling him of you checking his texts. And the texts aren't good either, are they! I don't think there is much hope for your relationship with him. Especially as the trust is gone.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (7 June 2011):
 Oh dear!!
Everyone thinks they can trust their partner until they find cold hard evidence that they are cheating!!
These were obviously recent messages as you were mentioned in them. You are right to worry, he will have constant contact with her for years to come and you are ALWAYS going to wonder if the cheating is still going on.
Personally I wouldnt bother confronting him, you already have the evidence and it seems it is mutual between them and they are both happy to go behind your back!!..You don't need to know if they have actually had sex...the point is that something is definitely going on between these two people.
If I were you, I'd just dump him and find someone else with a less complicated life and no ties to his past.
I hope you will be ok...the good thing is that you found out now and not when you are years and years into the relationship and much older.
Best of luck to you and let us know how it goes.
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