A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:HI. I just started dating this guy, when I found out that He was a registered sex offender. I found out through his ex mother in law that I happened to work with. When he was 15 he sexually molested his sister over a time frame of about 3 months.. his sister was 6 at the time. His sister was in a class that was dealing with sex and she mentioned it to her teacher years later, the teacher called the police and of course he was held responsible for his action, he was tried as an adult and sentenced to 4 years probation and has to go to SAA meetings and is not aloud to have internet or porn of any kind. ETC... So, of course after finding this out and confronting this to him, he admitted to everything. I made it clear to him that I didn't want to date him because of this but that I would be his friend if he needed anyone to talk to. The problem now is that I still like the guy. I feel like he has truly changed and that he wasn't quite right in the head at that time. I know i shouldnt have any feelings for this guy for the reason of what he did (not to mention i was sexually molested as a child by my older foster brother) but for some reason my heart really feels like he is not a evil person. Everything about him seems different then what his past was. He is 21 now, as am I. I just wanna know if it is possible for him to be a different person or if he will always be a sexual molester, i really positively feel like he is not this person but I know that people can be manipulative. I don't have any children and I don't plan on having any, nor do i ever see children, so it is not like he is preying on me for the sake of getting to little children, i really feel like this was one of those things where something happened and now he just has to live with it. I don't know if i should follow my heart (which says to forgive him and get to know him) or my head (which says to make sure its just friends and never trust the guy-mostly cause i feel like others would expect that from me). Thanks.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 December 2010): oh heeelllll no,he will NEVER change-he just seems different from his past because he is extremely manipulative,like you wondered yourself-trust me,he has not and will not ever change.If you want to know just how evil he is,then put yourself in his shoes-think back to when you were 15,now imagine how you'd have felt at the thought of touching a 6 year old child-discusted?horrified?But he liked the thought,and he did it,to his own sister-look at how messed up that is-do you think he has changed because he fancies you,and your 21?Guess again girl-some of these molesters are married to women their own age,and have sex with them plenty-thats how they get their own kids-who a lot of them molest as wel...could you ever trust him around your kid?Even if you were just friends,from you have a kid,he will be around them at some point-please cut this guy off now,ok
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): It is not a mental illness those people are just plain evil, sorry my opinion. There's no cure apart from castration.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): Like someone else said, you cannot change who you are attracted too. He was 15 years old, an teenager who abused his 6 year old kid sister. He knew what he was doing, he knew it was wrong and how damaging it be to her. He was attracted too her, a 15 year old was attracted too a child. How will that have changed now? imagine the future, you have children with this man. There is a very HIGH RISK he would abuse your children, if he touched his own sister I am sure he would not be able to control himself around his own daughter. Leave this man.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 December 2010):
 "since when?"
The ability to commit this crime is the definition of mental illness.
FA
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): Fatherly advice?
Since when does he have a mental or physical illness? Yet again people are making excuses. People like to say it's a "mental illness" because they can't deal with the fact the some people are just plain sick.
I would never ever make excuses for someone like that. I'd like the people who are sticking up for this guy to think about if he ever did anything to hurt one of their children.
I'm sure you wouldn't be saying he needs "support" then.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (3 December 2010):
Just a few thought after revisiting this thread.
I'm having some trouble with the math here.
I don't believe in putting people down.
While I am willing to forgive a person for this particular crime, I'm not going to trust them into any situation where they could repeat it.
It is not sick to have sympathy for anyone who is afflicted with physical or mental illness.
In society we have to make rules and lines. We have collectively decided that when there is a significant age difference between the players, that it is not a game, but the older player luring the younger into inappropriate and hurtful behavior. We believe this because it is most often true.
FA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): he molested his 6 year old sister but now HE is getting sympathy. that is sick.to the OP; IMAGINE if u had a niece/a kid will u be comfortable to leave this man alone with these yound girls? just imagine the thoughts going through your mind. you will NEVER be able to trust him.These people do not change they just change victims and change modus operandi(method of operating).I say run and do not look back.LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): "'Walking Dude', they BOTH need support. Just because the girl was six, we don't know that he was violent and that to her it wasn't like a game: why didn't it occur to her that it might have been wrong until years later?"
So, because he wasn't violent and she was 6 she didn't mind being molested? To her it was "a game?".
Sorry but that comment sickens me and anybody who would feel sorry for a sex offender or even think they deserve support, baffles me.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Personally, I think people who abuse children and animals can NOT change. I think they should be put down, seriously.
I would walk, no actually, run. Run like Forrest Gump.
No matter how much you LOVE him you CAN NOT fix that in him. You can fix a guy who doesn't put the toilet seat down or belches at the table, but.. a child molester? I don't think they are fixable.
The FACT the he didn't tell you, his ex MIL did is another warning bell in my book.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (2 December 2010):
phew, tough situation! I would probably choose the safest route, which would be to keep him at arms length and nothing closer than that.
Still, I feel it's too easy to condemn him for the rest of his life like some users here do.
Usually, people don't change. Not when it comes to bad habits and irritating personality traits. However, this guy did one of the worst things imaginable. At this age, he probably knows what he did was terrible. He is probably reminded by his actions every single day. If he feels regret, real regret, he might not be beyond saving. Also, he hooked up with you without any questionable circumstances (close proximity to children for example).
Plus, the whole thing about pedophiles not being able to reign themselves in...that is only the case with weakminded people. And yes, there are many of those.
Plenty of drug addicts can't stop, but others can. Just because it was something he acted upon then doesn't mean he can't stop himself from doing that today. It's just too easy to label this guy as a lost cause. Not giving him a second chance at life will only make things worse, I think.
However, all of this said, it is up to you whether you are willing to give him this chance. It is risky and you will never know for sure if he has changed or if it is just good acting on his part. That is the price and it may be too high for you.
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (2 December 2010):
Yes he is doing the right things, taking classes, trying to be in an age appropriate relationship, but it is still dangerous. More so to you due to your history. I honestly believe that you made the right choice when you cut him out. The chances for hurt are just too great. The fact is that abused people get into abusive relationships at an alarming rate.
While he may be making the right changes and while he does need support and proper relationships, you are not the person to give it to him.
FA
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): "He might need the support to overcome his past and move on with his life."
No, i think his sister who was 6 years old needs that.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): People CAN change. Anyone can.
But it takes a special kind of courage and strength and not everyone succeeds in harnessing it.
So dream all you wish, the world needs idealists and dreamers, but prepare yourself for the worst, because the outcome may not be to your liking.
Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, wee_neko +, writes (2 December 2010):
This is just a train wreck. I got up to where you were molested by your foster brother and did not bother to read further. You're basically dating the guy who molested you. Move on to a guy with less baggage.
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A
male
reader, Boonridge McPhalify  +, writes (2 December 2010):
 this man probably wont change as paedophilia seems to be a sexual orientation, bizarre as that may sound. you're kidding yourself if you think this wont be a problem somewhere down the line, plus it was incest which makes it a double whammy of "how did he not realise at 15 that this was wrong?".
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (2 December 2010):
Adults don’t wake up one day and start molesting kids. It starts when they’re kids themselves and it progress into adulthood. I watch this pedophile on Fox News and he said the only way to stop someone like him is complete separation from him and kids. He would have act on his urges.
You don’t want kids now but you may them in the future your guy cannot be a father to your kids as long as he registered as a sex offender. They will take your child. Plus would you risk you kids home alone with a man you know would harm them. Case in point-A guy was talking to his friend invited him into his home he treat the guy to coffee, before he got back with the coffee the guy had already inserted his finger into his 3 hear old daughter. He’s back in prison but the damage is already done.
If you decide to be with him then you need to be aware that at some point he may act out and you will watch your husband being handcuffed and the whole worlds knowing whom you’re married too. They never change no matter what you’re thinking, He will act one day.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): You think he's changed but i doubt people like that do. Personally, if i found out i was dating a child molester i would run for the hills. I certainly couldn't be around that person.
Could you honestly see a future with this man? What about having children with him? I really think you should think twice.
Sexual abuse doesn't "just happen". Stop making excuses for him.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (2 December 2010):
No...child molesters don't change. He may be able to fight it off as long as he's away from children, but he will still have the urge to. Regardless if you don't have children now or don't plan on any (which doesn't matter because sometimes we change our mind or in many cases have an unplanned child) or aren't around them too much; if you have any family members with children that you may ever be around with him, that's on you for bringing him around and something happens to any children because you KNOW he's a child molester. If you were with him, how would you feel if he was molesting children behind your back?
Seriously, take off whatever blinders you have on. You have been molested as a child and I'm pretty sure most people find child molesters repulsive. They don't change and you'll end up hurt and looking like a complete fool later on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): If I were in your situation, I wouldn't go for him, but your feelings are yours and you shouldn't make excuses for them. Do what YOU are comfortable with; if you are comfortable with being with him, then be with him.
-Tante Victoire
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