A
male
age
41-50,
*Man
writes:Hi, not sure what to do about this. My wife (and now me over the years) has a friend Brian that she was friends with before me. I don't think I've actually specifically asked, but it was always assumed that they were just friends. My wife was a virgin when we got engaged, so I guess I just never thought about it. Anyway, I overheard her talking to a friend who is interested in dating Brian that he was a little bigger than average, but not quite as big as her husband. There was silence for a minute and I guess her friend asked her how she knew, because the next thing my wife said was "because I sucked him off a few times". Should I confront my wife and kill this friendship? Or, just talk about it, and if it was in the long ago past, let it go? Obviously if this is since we're engaged, then the marriage is over, but I think this is old history, but I don't appreciate her being friends with Brian if she gave him blowjobs in the past. Help!
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male
reader, KMan +, writes (5 September 2007):
KMan is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you to all for giving me advice. Some of it was really bad, but the anonymous female who replied last and Eddie were really helpfull. I talked to my wife and she sucked him off a few times before we were engaged (she might have still given 'benefits' when we were first dating, but she knows for sure that once we were 'fooling around' and being serious, that it never happened again with Brian).I made it very clear how wrong it was to not tell me, and even more wrong to discuss it with other people. The final answer is, it will never, ever be spoken of again with anyone (expect maybe between us), and we will continue to be friends with Brian, however, she will no longer do things with just him alone. That didn't happen very often, but only things as couples with Brian from now on. I think everything is gonna be cool.Thanks everyone!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2007): No matter when this happened, you do have a right for forbid this friendship. 99% of married couples do not allow/have opposite sex friends. I think it's great you allow your wife to be friends with Brian. I think the final answer will be when did it happen.
If it was before you, the only thing she did wrong was not tell you and talk about it to others. You could both sit down and decide to still be friends with Brian, but the past sexual experiences she had with him are taboo, and never ever to be spoken of with anyone. It may still be a little strained at first, but I think the hardest part will be not to let Brian know the anxiety this has caused the two of you. Repeating, if it was before you, I would talk it out with her, and then just let it go forever.
Unfortunately, if it was since being with you, then you definately need to forbid this friendship, and decide if you want to continue with the marriage or not. I hope this isn't the case, but as Eddie says, if she casually mentioned this to someone she's fixing up with Brian, I would think it was before you and her biggest crime is the indescretion of telling someone else something that is private and only for you and her to speak of.
Good Luck, let us know the outcome.
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (26 August 2007):
 Well that is tough news to hear. It's also not usually the type of information most women I know are so liberal with. I can't imagine what type of conversation they were having that would lead your wife to describe in such detail his penis size.(not to mention comparing it to yours) I think my wife would be angry if I was describing the vagina of a former lover, to a friend of mine.
So now, what do you do? Well you can ask her whatever you like. She can answer however she likes. Truth or lies. How will you know? Everything here is a big "maybe" or "if". If she did it before you were together, it's out of your hands and in the past. I do think it's wrong though to allow your spouse to be friends with someone you've been sexual with, and not tell them. That is important information in a relationship when your spouse has friends of the opposite sex. When you love someone enough not to be jealous about opposite sex friends, you deserve full disclosure about any history they may share.
If it happened while you were married, then you have grounds to be angry. The problem is this, it depends on her being honest.
Since you overheard her and were not snooping, it's her fault for having the conversation. She chose to speak of this. She was not careful enough to have it in a place where she wouldn't be heard. You heard and now you're concerned. Anybody would be.
Who was the person she told. If it was a casual acquaintance, she would probably not have admitted that she cheated. People try to hide that. This would lead me to believe it happened before she met you. If it was her best friend and confidant, then who really knows when it happened?
This is what I would do. You've had this bomb dropped on you, no fault of your own. In order to get the response that will give you the best "indication" of what happened, and put your mind at ease, you need the element of surprise. I don't mean that in a bad way either but if someone knows you're on to them, they can make up excuses and get the lies in order. Sit down with her somewhere quiet and away from others. Simply state that you know what went on between her and Brian and you'd like the details. She won't know exactly what information you have so she'll try to dance around the topic, if she's guilty. You have to get the answer at once so she won't be able to fortify her version with a friend, assuming she's telling a lie. Also, you can't give the information you have right away because that will tell her how much of the truth you need to know. For example, if she knows you heard the phone conversation then she'll claim it happened before she met you.
I'd like to reinforce that I do not know your wife or anything about her integrity. If she's a decent woman,she would not be advertising that she cheated. The reason I've suggested asking her in the fashion I mentioned is to ease your mind. You should be able to gage, by her response, what is true.
In my mind, when there is someone in your inner circle who you've been sexual with, your current spouse should be aware. This gives them the opportunity to monitor your involvement with someone who you have had an attraction to. When they are kept in the dark and find out by accident, things unfold as they are with you because it's then seen as a dirty little secret.
Be decent, polite and don't accuse her of anything. Just ask for an explanation about their involvement. This will probably change your relationship with him forever. That is understandable. If you like, message me and let me know how it goes.
eddie
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A
female
reader, skye  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 I think you should speak calmly with your wife. Bring up whay you overheard her say on the telephone. Ask her when this happened. I know that it will be very difficult for you to do and you might find yourself getting upset by her answers. However, from your post, it sounds like you have got to know the truth otherwise it will just eat you up inside and could lead to resentment. Resentment is never healthy in any marriage. Speak to your wife as soon as you can about this and she can put your mind at rest.
Your wife was a virgin when you got engaged. That does not mean that she was living in a box before she met you. Im sure she had boyfriends and even had her heart broken a few times just like the rest of us. I bet you werent perfect before you met her either. Dont be so hard on her. She has simply kept intouch with an old boyfriend.
Im sure this happened before she met you. Afterall, she appeared to be encouraging the blossoming relationship between him and this other woman. Now does that sound like a jealous lover? I dont think so!
The only way you can find out for sure is to ask her.
Do it calmly and dont think about forbidding her to be friends with brian if this happened years ago. If you do discover it happened recently, then im very sorry and you have a lot of thinking to do. However, it doesnt sound like it was. If she married you and has been faithful to you that is all that matters.
Best wishes,
Skye
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A
male
reader, AndyL  +, writes (24 August 2007):
 You should ask her... but the problem is that she'll tell you that it was a long time ago of course (maybe true or not..) and how you can know the truth?
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A
male
reader, UnknownEntity +, writes (24 August 2007):
 well, did she say specificly when she sucked his cock?
could have been b4 u met her or while u wer getting to know eachother...
-UnknownEntity
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2007): Perhaps you owe Brian a debt of gratitude when you come to think of it. You say that your wife was a virgin when you got engaged. Wonder who taught her how to give great head, Brian of course. The oral-blessing that you now enjoy came by way of your friend. However if you want to mess up other's live because of your brused ego. Go for it. But I would see you as some kind of fool. Me I would keep my mouth shut and my marriage in tact. But then I can control my ego, it doesn't control me.
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A
male
reader, somewhat_anonymous +, writes (24 August 2007):
I guess you could ask and just make sure it was before you were with her, but you hve no right to say she cannot be friends with him because of the past. Does this mean you are going to break off the friendship with him too?
The more you would try to force her not to see him at all, the more you'd probably push her toward him and she may very well resent you and suck him off again.
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