A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:dear cupid should i go through with the wedding my fiancee just told me she was promiscuous when younger.i find that to be a turn off i wish she had being honest at the begining like i was i told her i was a virgin by choice and religious beliefs.now i dont how to let her down gently.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2011): Don't marry her. She's not only promiscuous but a liar as well.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): Please OP, don't marry her.
This stuff goes on because guys like you accept it. You try to forgive the lies because you're christian. You get married anyway, telling yourself that you'll get over it eventually. But ugly truth is that day usually never comes. You're in emotional turmoil for the rest of your days with her. You're too decent to bitch about it constantly because you know at the intellectual level that it's useless and hurtful to keep speaking about it. But you will continue to hurt about it every single day as long as you're with her.
It's an unfortunate situation. It gets allowed to happen so often because everyone downplays just how bad it can really feel for the chaste partner. Chaste people are taught to be quiet about how much this really hurts them. Promiscuous people tend to be in denial about the permanent pain these issues inflict on chaste partners. Most sexually active people don't really try to identify with the chaste partner, they just automatically side with the promiscuous partner. They act like these feelings are a voluntary choice which is the farthest thing from the truth.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (30 April 2011):
OP, thanks for the follow up.If you want good answers, tell us the whole story and don't keep us guessing. Promiscuous is a word open for interpretation. Some virgin people find someone who's had 5 sexual partners promiscuous. 36 is a whole other number. Also, it still isn't clear to me what she answered when you asked her if she was a virgin. You don't have to accept her if this is a dealbreaker for you, but you have to try to be fair. Because if she told you she wasn't a virgin when you asked her in the beginning, yet you accepted her, it's hypocritical of you to condemn her now when you could have known about her past from the beginning. "I find that to be unfair that one sleeps around and expects the virgin guy to move on."I don't expect you to do anything. I'm just telling you how it is, namely that if you only want virgin girls, the pickings are going to be slim, VERY slim, at your age. Finding one is going to a feat on it's own. Finding a suitable one, someone who rocks your world is like finding a needle in a haystack. Not impossible, but not likely either. And then maybe when you've broken up with her and can't find a virgin girl of your liking, you might find yourself wishing you accepted your fiancee for who she was. You have to decide what's more important AND realistic. Your ideal of finding a virgin partner or finding someone who is a great match personality wise.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011):
Did she lie to you about her past? If this is a dealbreaker for you then you will have to explain that to her as best you can. However, think long and hard about how much of a dealbreaker this is. For example, I would not marry a woman who told me that she had worked as a prostitute. That would devastate me. It sounds lame, but it's just not something I think I could get over for a variety of reasons.
If she opened up to you she may be asking for your forgiveness. If you love her and the relationship is special and unique then you may want to give her a chance instead of throwing her out like damaged goods. Ask yourself how important this is to you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 April 2011): When a 15yo boy has mixed feelings about his teenage GF not being a virgin, it might be time to advise him, "Ask yourself does this really need to be such a big deal?"
When an articulate heterosexual 30-35yo man has remained a virgin his entire life, all for the sake of his beliefs . . . the time for that advice is long past. Now we're talking about one of the most important beliefs and sacrifices of his entire life. There is no more room for "don't make a big deal out of it." This problem is not going away.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (29 April 2011):
Well. In the first place you have the right to chose a virgin woman for marrying, if you want. It doesn't matter what maverick or others think about virginity. It's about what YOU think virginity is worth.
If she told you or otherwise purposely let you thought she was a virgin, then she lied to you.
So, your girlfriend lied to you and she isn't a virgin. Will you forgive her for lying to you? Will you marry her even if she isn't a virgin?
That is up to you. Most people would marry her anyway. But this is your call.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni asked her if she was a virgin at the begining.she asked me and i asked her.it you mean sleeping with 36 men is nothing? and i just have to acept it and move on. i find that to be unfair that one sleeps around and expects the virgin guy to move on.shes a great girl but her past hurts me.its her past but its my present
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A
male
reader, shawncaff +, writes (29 April 2011):
 I don't agree with Maverick below where he questions the importance of virginity. I do believe it is meaningful for a marriage. But I do agree with Maverick about questioning whether it is worth throwing out a relationship over this.
I think the main thing to focus on is why it bothers you. Is it because you feel it reflects poorly on her character? Do you think you are suddenly less meaningful to her? Perhaps it shows how much she values sex?
I think you also can find out how she feels about her past actions. Does she regret them or is she comfortable with them? How are you different from her past lovers?
I hope you explore these before you make any rash decisions.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 April 2011): Prepare for a bashing here. These days there is a double standard against chaste men who want to marry chaste women.
I'm sorry but your fiance is not the person you were in love with. She never was. You were in love with part of her, not the whole thing. Now she's told you about another part that you very much don't like. And you've also learned that she will lie to you about some of the most important things in your relationship, which nobody would like regardless of how they feel about promiscuity.
It's not her choice to decide what you must find attractive or unattractive, important or not important. It's your life as well as hers. You probably can't ever really be happy if you get manipulated into marrying someone whose own actions you find repulsive.
If there is any chance of you staying with her, then it MUST be something you do freely without feeling pressured to go through with the relationship and marriage like it is now. THE ENGAGEMENT IS OFF AS OF TODAY even if the relationship continues eventually. At best you may be able to start the relationship over again from scratch with more honesty and see what you think after a while.
If you need to end it then just tell her the truth. She can't change her past BUT NEITHER CAN YOU. You have lived celibate, you have sacrificed to stay that way, and it's a huge part of who you are. The deceit, the emotional hurt, and the feelings of being let down will not go away for you just because it would make things easier if it did. Emotions are not wrong and right. They just are what they are and they cannot be turned off.
This problem started because she didn't respect you enough to let you make your own choice. You must respect yourself and make whatever choice is right for you now. Apologize to her for the hurt that your decision will cause her. But don't apologize for being true to yourself.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (29 April 2011):
Well what exactly did she tell you in the beginning? Did she tell you she was a virgin? If she did, it was wrong of her to lie, but at the same time it tells you how much she wants to be with you.
If she simply didn't tell you about her sexual past because you didn't ask, then the ball is in your court. If this is really so important to you, you should have asked from the start what her sexual past was.
Also, if you drop her now, you are dropping someone who is otherwise a great match. You might find another virgin woman (probably not, there are very few left at that age) but who will say she will be a good match personality wise? Are you prepared to throw everything away of something that was in the past? The past --as in: over, gone, finito.
Also, the reason she told you is because she wanted to enter marriage with no secrets. She's basically asking you to accept her how she is, which is what marriage is all about.
What is so important about virginity that you feel you need to end a relationship over it? It's gone in one night. Love stays much longer than that.
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