A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for 5 months and I couldn't be happier. We are so compatible and i feel like i've known him for years. He treats me very well and is the gentleman of my dreams.However, i would like opinion on a dilemma i have. I'm afraid of making a mountain out of a molehill, or creating my own problem and would appreciate input.He and his ex-girlfriend dated for 7 years, lived together, and separated on friendly terms. She currently lives in another state. Both his relationships ended on peaceful terms actually and he has never experienced heartbreak (even admitted himself). Before he and i started dating, we agreed that any contact with an ex is off limits. Fast forward to yesterday, i visited his home and he let me use his tablet while he made dinner. The first thing i saw when i opened the tablet was the conversation with his ex. It seems they have spoken every few weeks, mainly catching up about mutual friends and family. The latest content revealed that the place she is currently renting is under my boyfriend's name. He advised that he's changing his address soon (he moved to my state this year) to which she replied that she'll probably move the apartment under her name. He also asked her to pay him back and i saw that she wired him 5K immediately. He even mentioned me a bit and she says i seem great.I read about 3 months worth of texts and there do not seem to be any red flags. The only thing i don't like is that she asked for his christmas wish list twice (although he did avoid responding). I'm not as bothered about them talking as i am about him breaking a promise we made before we started dating... which really does bother me. Should i find a way to bring this topic up? Our relationship is otherwise great. I only wish that if contact with his ex is necessary, he would be honest and tell me, and wrap up his business with her sooner. Any advice? PS. I am not looking for feedback as to whether reading his texts was right or wrong... thank you for your kindness in understanding.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (14 December 2016):
 There’s a few of reasons/excuses for Ex’s to remain in contact:
One - They have children together which is a given right to be in contact.
Secondly - Someone is not over the relationship OR ready to move on
Thirdly - As it is in this case there’s money owing to him
Lastly - The Fade-out approach (ending things peacefully) where couples try to remain friends before they move on completely or one of them tries to stay in the background by catching up about mutual friends and family.
I wager he’s kept things civil with the Ex-GF for the sake of 5K. The apartment was/is in his name and maybe the rent deductions continued to come out of his account before you two started dating? He would have known this and perhaps could have told you before agreeing; that any contact with an ex is off limits.
I believe once he has received all the cash that’s owed to him there should be no need for further contact needed etc. No need to make a Mountain out of a molehill on this particular issue of their conversations.
Lastly I think no person would be totally over their 7 year relationship breaking up by 5 months of dating? I ask, what amount of time and space did he have to himself to resolve his emotions and dealings about his Ex before meeting you? There’s obvious residue from the past that hasn’t been cleared or dealt with.
You even say he has never experienced heartbreak and heartbreak is not something quick to get over even though he is treating you very well in other areas.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2016): Fatherly advice has it right in my opinion. If he'd said actually I do keep in touch with my ex from time to time but it's just chat we are friends then you could decide if you wanted to live with that. As it stands he has decided you shouldn't be told the truth or at least the facts. If they are genuinely just friends then there should be no reason to hide it.
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (13 December 2016):
I agree with all the rest he should have been upfront but also there may be underlying feeling who knows .. However they are connected by the rent on the apartment etc . They are just talking and maybe it would be better if he let you know and could even say tell her hi or something I don't think she should be asking for his list and instead of ignoring her. He should have said that isn't appropriate to share and he didnt for whatever reason etc .
I think male and female can be friends if there not lots and lots of individual time spent together and your honest about your contact . Let your partner see if they are interested in the texts or emails etc and that the friend knows actually where they stand; just because the relationship didn't click doesn't make them bad people or that the underlying friendship is lost . But I think there does need to be boundaries .
From what you've said he does have some . But I think he needs to say when she does ask q's and she may just being nice . Say no I can't give you my Christmas list etc
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A
female
reader, Slippers +, writes (13 December 2016):
I agree with all the rest he should have been upfront but also there may be underlying feeling who knows .. However they are connected by the rent on the apartment etc . They are just talking and maybe it would be better if he let you know and could even say tell her hi or something I don't think she should be asking for his lost
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): My guess is that it was you who came-up with the unreasonable and unrealistic pledge and agreement not to contact exes. He was probably in-contact all along; and you decided to pacify your insecurities by coming-up with the idea of not contacting exes.
It has only been five months. He hardly knows you, and what you might be capable of. So, how much can he trust you?
What if an ex contacts you first, or you run into them unexpectedly? What if you refuse any contact, but the ex persists? What if an ex unexpectedly shows up at your door, or happens to be a guest at a party? What if an ex wants to apologize for what they've done, to clear their conscience in order to move on? You don't have to maintain contact, just accept or not accept. You don't have to respond at all.
If you've chosen not to contact your exes, whom you no doubt broken-up with on bad-terms; it does not follow that he must dismiss someone with whom he has resolved issues, and decided to forgive and befriend. Some exes do become nothing more than platonic friends. Your preemptive action to cutoff any ties with his past was unnecessary, and for your own selfish reasons.
The apartment was in his name, making him liable for damages and responsible for abiding by the lease agreement. She owed him money. Worst of all, you found it all out by spying! After claiming how wonderful he is to you!
Everything you've indicated regarding the communication is strictly friendly and all about business. He's damned correct to get back the money he's owed; and he has every right to continue a friendly connection, if there is no bad-blood between them. No romantic exchanges were ever evident in their messages. By your own admission.
I disagree that he has any reason to defend his friendship, when you decided to jump and make him agree to some unreasonable rule that was basically selfish; and mainly about your own insecurity. Thus proven by your unjustified spying. No big deal about that, but it just wasn't right.
You undermined all the nice things said about him by doing it. Why would you have to snoop on someone good and loving?
You're far too young to be cynical, and assume that a man can't be both good and honest. Point one finger and three point back. People who don't trust others, aren't necessarily trustworthy themselves. In most cases they're very cagey and shady people. Excluding those who were traumatized and victims of atrocities and abuse.
I defy and denounce any argument that it is necessary for men to peel themselves like an onion; to prove to some insecure-female (or gay-male boyfriend) that he cares. There are more important ways to demonstrate love and commitment. It is total bullsh*t anyone has to tell every last secret in his/her life. If there is nothing that was done illegally, no medical-history that is important to reveal, or an unresolved issue that will come forward and will cause injury to the one you presently love. Leave it in the past. Regardless of your gender and sexual-orientation.
Most women don't divulge every secret in their lives, because they hate being judged, almost more than men do. Insecure people are the most judgemental and hypocritical people I know! Always demanding proof you love them; while using their weaknesses as an excuse not to reciprocate and return what they undeservedly demand.
Don't judge my firm advice as harsh or scolding you. I know you're very young, inexperienced, and perhaps a guy may have burnt you in the past. Me too. Made me gun-shy too! I don't snoop on people; and would be very upset knowing my boyfriend doesn't trust me as much as I trust him.
Sometimes we have to trust those who love us, and we love in return. Trust is the foundation of love. You left no option for exes who are friends, you threw a general blanket of coverage; which forced him to hold back information to avoid upsetting you. Not knowing you that well and how you would react, he was overcautious. Not necessarily deceptive. Give him some benefit of the doubt.
Sweetheart, always leave room for compromise; and exceptions to your rules. When he committed to you, he took risks, and gave-up things in personal-sacrifice; because you mean so much. If he is as good as you described him, it is because you bring that out in him. That makes you special to him. Maybe you have things to hide by cutting your ex out of your life. It doesn't require any explanation of what your part was in the break-up.
I guess you are now even. He held back something, and you spied and discovered it. Wait for his confession about his ex-girlfriend/turned friend. Their communications seems strictly about the money and changing her name over on the lease. This is what you might call closure. Tying-up the loose-ends, as you move on and forward. Which is very wise.
She lives in a different state, and he said good things about you. He has clearly acknowledged you; and established what he feels about you. She is aware that he has moved on, by this honest gesture. Leaving you out would have been an indication something was up.
I don't think you have anything to fear. I think you should just keep the fact you looked through his messages to yourself. I recommend you respect his privacy, allow yourself to trust him; even with risk. You can't earn trust, and not offer it in return.
He let you use his tablet without fear or hesitation; that in itself shows he trusts you, and gives you access to his devices. He probably knew you'd spy, and would discover what you did. So leave it at that. No reaction on your part would gain his trust and leave you continued access. Not to spy, but for the reasons you give him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 December 2016):
 I agree with Honeypie, while he should have been up front with you about a promise made before you were dating that was broken he really hasn't done anything all that wrong.
BTW your words are "before we started dating" did you mean "before we got serious"?
I think the "any contact with an ex" request is unreasonable to be honest. but that ship has sailed. You both made this promise and now you ask " should I find a way to bring this up"
IF you find a way to bring this up you have to
a. admit you spied on him (and lose any trust he had in you)
b. admit you are concerned about him lying to you (and that you don't trust him)
and
c. find a way to get him to accept that you wish to control his behavior.
I think in this case it's a lose lose for you.
he's not cheating on you in the biblical sense (although I do see FA's point about infidelity in the fact that he is withholding information from you)
and it does appear that he's not leading her on but rather trying to continue to wrap up his business with her. If she still owes him money and is paying in installments he can't really be done with her.
So do you still trust him? if so then I'd let it go
IF not, then I'd leave as you won't ever trust him again.
oh and if you think it will be ok to go behind his back and check to see if he is still in contact with her, that signifies a lack of trust and you should probably end the relationship.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (13 December 2016):
 I hate it when questions about fidelity start with "I couldn't be happier". I'm going to explain why you could and should be happier, and why this is in fact infidelity.
You could be happier if you could trust your man. Trust is the stuff that relationships are made up of. he has agreed to a boundary that he had no intention of honoring. You could be happier if you didn't get surprises when you use the tablet he handed you without even checking to see what he left open. You could be happier if he was giving all of his attention to you and not reserving a part of it for the ex girl who obviously still has feelings for him.
As to why this is infidelity, here is my way of thinking. Intimacy is intimacy is intimacy. emotional intimacy (sharing thoughts feelings, and dreams) leads to sexual intimacy, which leads to financial intimacy (sharing a house, expenses, bills.) He may have no sexual intimacy with his ex at this point but they still have mixed money. She is living in a house with his name on the contract. She still wants to talk regularly and is interested in giving gifts (this is a love language).
There is still emotional intimacy.
You asked "What Now?" The age old wisdom is to avoid rebound relationships by putting some time between relationships. 1 month for every year is a good rule of thumb. So as soon as he breaks off his relationship with his almost ex girl, he will only have 7 or 8 months before he is ready for a relationship with you. I suggest that you insist that he takes that time. Not only would this protect you, it will help him to be a better stronger person.
FA
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A
female
reader, Ivyblue +, writes (13 December 2016):
 yep, have to agree with Honeypie. I think the connection is the money. I agree remaining friends can be a no go but that depends on the situation. Your bf is not backward in coming forwards about mentioning you just as she is about you being thought of as great. Im actually very good friends with my partner of 7 years ex gf. They remain friends after a mutual breakup also.Cant help but like her. Rare perhaps but it is what it is. If you think not asking will fester away in your gut then come clean and mention that you noticed him being in contact when he let you use his ipad and you thought that was something you decided as a couple not appropriate. Explain that you are not accusing instead just looking for a bit of clarification to the situation. Dont blow it by not communicating open and honestly. Good luck with things
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2016):
 While I get that no contact is often the best they OBVIOUSLY have some unfinished business (as in she owes or owed him money) and I do get that you two AGREED to no contact with exes, it seems like till she has paid him back there will be contact.
I think if you are BOLD enough to GO THROUGH 3 months worth of PRIVATE conversations between them you need to be BOLD enough to tell him what you saw. That he is talking to her and that you feel it violates the agreement you two made about exes. And take it from there. And yes, it was wrong to read these PRIVATE conversations, GF or not.
Let's say she owes him more money if the conversations are totally platonic - maybe he is talking to HER to get his money back. I can't say I blame him, but he SHOULD have been up front with you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 December 2016):
 Not sure why you think there is a problem - apart from an unrealistic promise made at the beginning of your relationship.
This guy treats you well, he has not said anything wrong in the messages to his ex. It appears she is the one making contact with him and he is being polite (after all, they did part on friendly terms, so it would not be appropriate to ignore her messages).
Amazing that people can worry because there seems nothing to worry about.
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