A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am 27 my girlfriend is 24 we live together and we have a great relationship. The problem I have got is that I feel her weight gain is getting out of hand. She was by no means thin when we got together and I am not saying she should have a model body however I have noticed that the weight is creeping on more and more and my concern is she shows no signs of doing anything about it, she won't undress in front of me and it's always lights off when we have sex which does upset me.It makes me feel the worst person in the world for even thinking it as I love her so much but I just want her to look after herself and I know it makes her miserable being overweight but the longer she leaves it the harder it will be. I made the mistake tonight of mentioning it to her that I worry about her weight because of her health which is true but she won't even discuss it with me and now won't eat any dinner and hasn't spoke to me for hours which makes me feel more guilty.My question is what do I do from here? I have thought she may be depressed but if that's the case putting on weight will make the depression worse and she will be stuck in a circle...I just want to help...I imagine she thinks I'm an arsehole for saying anything so it's catch 22
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2016): There is a movie you need to see. It describes totally what you are going through. Maybe it can help you decide what to do. It is called Shallow Hal. Listen I am sure there are things about you that your girlfriend can not stand. Maybe if you stop getting on her case about her weight she would lose some. Grow up... Real love is unconditional.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (16 December 2016):
 I understand why you feel guilty. But she is not talking because she knows you are telling the truth. She is already aware off it. Hence the lack off confidence in her body. She will come around. You need to work with her. Any junk in the house throw out after the holidays, tell her you have decided to get fit and healthy in the new year and ask her does she want to join you. join a gym or get active in other ways, swimming, walking, jogging. Take up new fitness classes, stick to a health plan. If she struggles with food maybe go to a group with her? Slimming world is fantastic.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): Simple solution. Help her to prepare healthy, delicious, nutritious low-calorie meals. Change your eating habits together. Speak to a nutritionist.
Get a cookbook, and take turns at preparing meals and choosing healthy snacks. Reward her for weigh-loss, and be kind and empathetic for slip-ups or relapses. Don't you dare be condescending or cross with her. I mean never!
Become gym-partners; and establish a regular workout routine both at the gym, and at home. Make it fun! There are dancercize videos that are really great. Both fun and effective.
Be prepared for resistance, and guilt-tripping. She will play the "fat-card." Partially because she's lazy, or afraid of being seen in a gym. Weight-loss happens quicker in combination with exercise. Exercise enhances health, adds vigor, and improves the sex-drive. It increases your stamina, mobility, flexibility, and improves self-esteem.
Careful what you wish for, you might create a beast! Also prepare for the extra male-attention she will receive. Not that she won't get it anyway, just by being female! It isn't always attributed solely to appearance, but to the air of confidence.
As women approach their 30's and beyond, they can gain weight quicker than men. Losing it is even harder. Especially after having a child, or water-retention during their periods. Sometimes that puffiness doesn't go-away. All they need is to be reminded by the guy they have sex with.
She must also see her doctor; to be sure it isn't caused by her birth-control, or some other undetected health issue.
The fact she has body-image issues about the weight and hides in the darkness, is more reason for her to be proactive in losing the excess-weight. Rather than feeling anxiety, or ashamed of it.
Beauty isn't measured in pounds, stones, or liters. All bodies aren't genetically-designed to be thin. You might not be thin, or have all your hair forever. You may have a little trouble keeping it up, as you get older. She'll have to be kind and accepting of that.
Weight-gain and body-image is a very touchy subject for women, and increasingly for men too. Only men aren't as targeted and ostracized by society and/or shamed by the fashion/beauty-industry.
All facets of the media blatantly (and with gross insensitivity) sets higher standards of appearance for women, and now they're coming for us men. Those who have low self-esteem and body-shame are prime targets for costly plastic surgery, implants, diet scams, and useless exercise gadgets.
Women might go on the defensive; and will use guilt-inducing accusations. By telling you that you're insensitive, causing her shame, being cruel, and etc. To some degree that is true; not always helpful, or correct. Defensiveness in itself is a form of guilt. So I give advice looking from more than one perspective. I also have to maintain sensitivity and fairness. That gets dicey at times. Overly-sensitive people don't like criticism, no matter how constructive it is. They'll brand you as nasty, but it is only to defend their soft-parts. You have to be understanding and empathetic to do it right.
When the weight is causing her shame in spite of how sweet and accepting you are to her; then she shouldn't be pressured or burdened with guilt. She needs to love herself as much as you do. I sense you are sincere, kind, and somewhat very protective of her.
Part of your commitment is helping her during hardships, supporting her through times of weakness, and rebuilding her lost self-esteem. Being supportive and offering constructive suggestions must come before criticizing and embarrassing her with unhelpful comments. Don't tell her what she already knows. She has to be forthcoming with the things that hurt or bother her. You have to gain enough trust from her for her to do this.
Ask her lovingly and gently to tell you how she feels in order to know how to best comfort her. She has a lot she is holding inside, too embarrassed to discuss out in the open. She already assumes you don't like her extra-weight, and can tell by your glances and subtle comments about it. No matter how you sugar-coat it, it is interprets as " you think she's too fat." Just as any reference to your penis is often interpreted as "she thinks it's too small." So be on your best behavior; and don't add to her pain, dude.
A soft and gentle approach is required. Open-up and reveal some of the insecurities you have about your own appearance, or imperfections. Ask her how she feels about them. Man-up and handle her honesty. She will then feel more comfortable and able to address sensitive issues; because she knows you genuinely care about her feelings, not just how you view her physical-appearance.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (13 December 2016):
 It's hard. And I feel your pain. My husband was 138 pounds when we met.
he needed to gain 15-20 pounds. He's gained nearly 70.
He eats like crap and he gets no exercise. NO matter what I say he does nothing. I don't care about the weight itself. Truly. I care about the sleep apnea, the cholesterol, the heart condition he may get, the diabetes he's setting himself up for. BUT until his doctor says he has these things he probably won't do anything. I just eat the way I want and exercise when I want and invite him to exercise with me. He won't eat healthy foods and he declines to exercise. there is nothing else I can do. Currently his BP and his heart and blood work are just fine. So I keep my mouth shut.
here's the thing, you say you are worried about her health but what issues have come up since she's gained the weight?
If you are worried about what MIGHT happen... let it go. she knows as well as you do what might happen.
she also can go to the doctor and get a physical and determine if she has High blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, sleep apnea or any other medical conditions.
Just because she is overweight does not mean she is not healthy. And many people use health as a reason for wanting someone to lose weight.
I have gained weight (like my husband) but I exercise to the best of my ability and I see my doctor and my blood pressure is normal, my blood sugar is normal. My cholesterol, lungs heart etc... all NORMAL. So if my husband came to me and said "honey I'm worried about your health because you MAY get these things if you CONTINUE to gain weight" I would look at him and say "well now are you worried about what may happen in the future? Don't worry about the future live in the here and now"
IF her health is not being affected, think long and hard about why it's an issue...truly. Fat discrimination is the last allowed and accepted discrimination there is. And it is often submitted as a "concern for health"
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): IMO it is okay to take issue with your partner's weight gain if it represents a change in habits since you got together. You should not object if it is within the bounds of normal aging, childbirth, etc.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts +, writes (13 December 2016):
 Honestly, I get where you're coming from, but this is definitely a mental health issue. She needs to be ready to face it and she doesn't sound like she's there yet. All you can do is suggest therapy and eating healthier together, while going to the gym or walks together too. Losing weight alone is very difficult, almost impossible, for many. That's multiplied when there are mental health issues in play too.
It's possible she has thyroid problems or PCOS, so it would help if she got blood tests done that look for those. If you can, convince her to go to the doctor.
I'd consider leaving it until a week or so into the new year, though, to avoid making her feel more crappy over Christmas.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): Give her an ultimatum, either she loses weight or loses you.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (13 December 2016):
 She is obviously already unhappy with her body, hence why she is so sensitive about you mentioning her weight. She could be comfort eating to compensate, hence making the problem worse.
What about treating yourselves to a joint gym membership for Xmas and going together? Who does the cooking? A fresh year is a traditional time to start better habits. Don't expect her to do this alone. You sound like a caring guy so do the healthy lifestyle thing together. Go for walks instead of sitting in front of the tv/computer. Take up some activity you both enjoy which involves exercise but not food.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (13 December 2016):
 I don't think you should feel bad for saying this. I know she's your girlfriend but there's obviously still a physical attraction to her and it's very much possible to lose it if she changes from how she looked when you first met her.
I think it's going to hurt her to some degree no matter how you come out with it so there's no point treading on eggshells imo.
some people don't like to confront their problems which seems is the case here. I don't like the fact that she's blanking you as if she's trying to guilt trip you for having a valid concern. You have to just come out with it, reassure her that you want to stay with her and help her and she either deals with it or she doesn't but youre giving her the opportunity to do so.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2016): I'm sorry that she reacted like that. I'm sure you're hurt. You sound like a great guy who's totally committed to her, and she's so lucky to have you.
And your concern about a health problem isn't unfounded. I think a physical is in order to make sure there's not a medical problem affecting her. I suffered from PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome) since I was a teen, and keeping he weight off was difficult. It sort of creeps up. But there are other disorders that could cause this as well, including thyroid problems, diabetes, and, yes, depression.
If I were you, I'd write her a letter. Tell her you're sorry, that you didn't mean to offend her, and that you only brought it up, because you're concerned about her. Let her know how much you love her. Tell her she's beautiful. Express your devotion.
If possible, bring her a red rose.
And just keep doing what you're doing, being there for her, showing your support. Right now, she's worried that you no longer find her attractive, and she's feeling self-conscious about her weight. I think she will come around and see this in a different light if you continue to shower her with love and attention.
Good luck. I hope everything works out.
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A
female
reader, Eagle'sfan1986 +, writes (13 December 2016):
Thank you for sharing your concern about your gf. I know you are worried about her and her health. Maybe you both can do a health plan together. Eat senseably, drink lots of water. After dinner why don't you both go for romantic walks together. Sit down with her and discuss how much you worried about her and how much you love her also. Women don't like to talk about how much they weight. But apoach it nicely. She Will Listen To You If You Talk To Her About Your CONCERNS.
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