A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I split from my ex a while back now because I suddenly had my eyes opened to what a nasty horrible dispicable selfish personn he is-found out after 3 years he is married amongst hundreds of other twisted lies.If I'm honest, I'm not sure if I'm over him yet, I feel angry and bitter when I think about what he put me through...which is a hell of a lot! His wife knew from day 1 what he was doing and she just let it go in order to keep her family together. I actually have sympathy for her nowadays as she is stuck with this loser for life.The problem I have is that he will not leave me alone and I feel nothing but rage everytime I open my emails and his name pops up, I changed my number because he was sending hundreds of txts daily, he turns up at my house, waits outside my sons school, even calls my work. I'm extremely hacked off I wish he would just leave me alone to lick my wounds and move on.I have threatened to tell his wife about his pestering but it makes no ends as she just argues with him then takes him back- he knows this and so the threat is pointless. I tried threatening to go to the police and have him for harrasment but he knows I havnt got the bottle to do this. It wouldn't be an issue if I was over him as I would just laugh it off and I'd have no problem going to the police if things got out of hand. But the problem is I don't think I am over him- by no means do I ever want him back. How can I summon up the courage to move on once and foi all and ignore his pestering ways?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): In the USA, you go to the court and get a restraining order.
He is "stalking" you. Don't know what they call it in your area.
I had a friend who was stalked like this for years...5 years of being followed, photographed, approached, etc.
End it now, quickly, tell him that if he approaches you again, electronically or otherwise, or your family/son/etc, that you will go to the police.
Knowing what I know, I'd say go to the police now, don't wait. They will usually talk to him, and then it will usually stop it cold, and no charges or court date is needed. If he doesn't then, you will quickly know he is a serious problem.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): You don't have to involve the police OP, but you do need to seek legal advice, you can speak to them and ask them what you need to get a restraining order, you can make it a purely hypothetical situation and you can do the same with free legal advice from the citizens advice bureau.
It doesn't matter what his family do or do not say, you can't defend that kind of position. You know? They can't come out and say he has a right to constantly call you and follow you places, do you understand? They won't fight a restraining order because it doesn't negatively effect them nor him at all. In fact it is a legal document saying he can't go near you anymore, that's something his wife would probably like don't you think?
OP who the hell fights a restraining order? Why would his wife stand up in court and say she thinks he should be allowed contact with you? Why they turn around and accuse you of stuff, call you horrible etc when that only gives the judge more reason think "why the hell is he following her if she's so bad?"
This isn't a custody battle, this isn't a trial, it's a simple matter of you wanting a guy to leave you alone, who after all reasonable attempts to do so has not respected your wishes. Get a lawyer, get the lawyer to send him a letter, if he refuses to stop calling you and contacting you then you get a restraining order.
Keep the logs of all the calls, if you have to then record yourself telling him to stop calling you and record what he says, get him to admit all the times he's followed you on tape. Keep all the emails, all the texts and if you see him in person take a picture with your camera phone.
OP he knows you're too scared to act, he has known you 3 years, he knows your words don't mean shit because he knows you're not going to follow through. Time you made him see that's not the case, a solicitors letter should be enough to make him see you are serious about this, it will be the shock of his life to see the shrinking violet he thought you were is capable of being roaring lion.
Seriously OP I fail to see the logic of why you are scared of his family, have they got dirt on you or something? What reason would they have to go nuts over simple restraining order?
You're not accusing him of a crime OP, he's not going to be charged with anything nor have any reason to defend himself. He's just going to be told officially that he will be charged with a crime if he doesn't stop pestering you. You don't have to charge him harassment OP and I'm pretty sure you can't until you have a restraining order anyway.
So as long you're not doing that there's no reason for them to react, in fact the wife will be happy he's not sniffing around you anymore and if his family don't like you then doesn't it make more sense that they'd want him to have nothing at all to do with you? So in that way they win too.
Look as long as you keep this private, quiet and simply do everything legal and by the book, then his family have no reason to be up in arms about this. His wife, his family they all probably think you're a bitch and want him to stay away from you, so when they hear of a warning letter, they'll just tell him I told you so, leave the woman alone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Hi I'm the op,Thankyou for all the advice. When I said he was waiting outside my sons school, I didn't mean he is stalking my son. I mean he is waiting at 3.15 when he knows I will be picking my son up knowing I will have to talk to him face to face. So I changed my routine and started putting my son in afterschool clubs and sending relatives to collect him etcThe reason I am hesitant to involve the police is because I know it is a long and stressfull process and his wife may get involved on his behalf. I'm trying to find a calm way in which I don't have to face the wrath of his wife and family as they will no doubt listen to his lies and put me in the frame, thus starting a big mess and sending the police to my door for false accusations- I work for the government so I will imediatly be suspended from my job.I am not scared of this man, despite everything I am not scared. I am just angry, very very angry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): Forgive me for being blunt but this "I tried threatening to go to the police and have him for harrasment but he knows I havnt got the bottle to do this" means there's nothing you can do. If you're that weak, then you're just going to have to sit there and take it like a "good girl" because he knows you're not going to do anything about it.
No offence OP, but you may aswell just stop complaining and accept that he's not going to stop because you're simply not willing to what is necessary to stop him.
If his completely illegal and absolutely dangerous behaviour is not enough to give you the courage to act, then nothing we say is going to make any difference to that.
OP you may find my post very offensive and insensitive, I don't mean to hurt you or make you feel bad, but you need to hear it and you need to get off your ass and put an end to this. I was ready to write a very sympathetic post, soft spoken and try to gently convince you that you're not as powerless as you think, except you've let him do this shit to your son too. He's stalking your son too OP, why the hell are you letting him do that? I mean come on, really? Some psycho, lying, cheating prick is stalking your son outside his school to get to you and you're doing nothing to protect him? Why? Because you still love this guy? Do you not love your son more?
You'll get no hug from me for that, you're not the victim of anything here OP, you're an adult woman with the power to put an end to this, your son is not, yet instead of jumping to your feet in fierce defence of your child and making sure this asshole can't even step within 100 hundred feet of your little boy, you're coming here asking where you can find the courage?
The fact your little boy is being stalked should be enough for you OP, when you first realized he was dragging your son into this that should have been enough.
I mean really, if I told you someone was stalking my child what would you say to me? If I came to you asking for advice what would you say? You'd tell me if protecting my child wasn't enough to give me courage to do whatever the hell is necessary to get rid of that threat, then nothing will be.
Enough is enough OP, enough sitting around feeling weak and sorry for yourself, because while you sit there hoping this will resolve itself on its own, this maniac still has license to follow you and your son. To stalk, harass and become ever more obsessed and dangerous. He's not fucking well in the head OP, he's seriously deranged to do this kind of shit and you're a grown woman and have seen enough stories on the news to know exactly what this can develop into. Jealous lovers and stalkers account for the highest number of murders outside of war OP. This situation is not simply one of a guy who is hopelessly in love unable to let go, this a seriously deranged man, that represents a very real and serious to threat to both you and your son. It is all too common for this to develop into something life threatening OP, it will only take one moment of weakness or sublime anger on his part and he could be crawling up your stairs with a knife between his teeth.
Are you still too scared to go to police after hearing that? or are you trying to convince yourself "he's not that bad"? Because if it's the latter then it's the women who thought that, that you see in the papers every week.
It's very simple OP.
1. If you haven't then you tell your family, you ask for protection, you get someone to stay with you and you get some of your male relatives or friends to accompany you next time he shows up and give him a warning.
2. You go to the police ASAP, you bring all the emails, phone calls and if you have witnesses of him showing up at places or following you then bring them too.
3. Contact a solicitor and you organize a barring order against him.
That's it, that's that, done and dusted. It may not stop but you'll have some kind of protection.
OP I'm not trying to be cruel nor demean you, really I hipe things work out for the best. I really don't want to see your name in the paper in the future because you didn't act on this. I don't want to read a mother and friends describe how their lovely daughter with so much life to give became a victim of a psycho because her residual love for him led her to believe he couldn't be capable of such a thing. read the stories OP, open up the sun newspaper, the situation is always the same. psycho stalks girl, girl doesn't act.
Don't let that be you.
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A
male
reader, freeme  +, writes (15 June 2011):
 I am sorry this happened to you. How terrible for someone to lie to you for years like that. I agree you need to be vigilant and use the police if necessary. However, somehow I think your question is more about, "how do I move on?" or "How do I do what I know I should do, when I still have emotions for him?"The only answer to that question is for you to spend a few hours in quiet reflection. Think hard about what this guy has done to you. Can you ever trust him with anything? (NO!) When you hesitate to do the things you know you need to do, think about what he did to you. What else is he capable of? Think you know? Would you have guessed he was capable of this? I bet not. Point is... don't underestimate him. He has proven he has some major personality issues. He is unpredictable and he is bordering on obsessive. I hope that helps you. Good luck.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 June 2011):
 First, HUGS that you are hurting over this betrayal.
Good for you for doing the right thing and walking away from that deceitful mess.
You are going to HAVE to get the strength to file a police report if he continues the harrassment. It is not his wife's job to keep him at bay-it's yours.
Do not make ANY statements you can not follow up on with the ex bf. Always mean what you say.
This is difficult, but you will need to carry out a hard tast to protect your own peace. It is a shame to have to do this with someone you loved, but you are NOT alone in this experience. It is WORTH putting up a fight for YOUR life, your sanity and the peace in your life.
Consider the well-being of your son. Tell the School Administration that your ex bf is not permitted to have ANY contact with your son.
Do NOT contact your ex. Keep a log of everytime he attempts to contact you, even if you have changed all your contact info and block him. If you see him at the school, keep a date, time and location record.
If he refuses to leave you alone, do not FIRE "the warning shot" across his nose. File a police report and give them all his information. If he continues, get a lawyer.
If possible, MOVE.
Best Wishes.
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male
reader, mrg123 +, writes (15 June 2011):
 Heya,Well therein lies your problem really, you aren't over him and are showing that in refusing to go the whole nine yards when it comes to things like the police. This is a huuuuuge problem because it's a weakness he is exploiting. It also shows him that his tactics are effective - they are stopping you moving on, therefore, he will continue doing what he's doing because ultimately, why would you stop something that appears to be working? I'd suggest just blatantly ignoring him and doing it that way but and this is a big but I think he's well beyond that and is entering the slightly threatening stage. I think, to be honest this is the time that the police need to be involved, right here, right now. So, I think the answers to your two questions are one and the same. You get over this, you make the final break and send a clear message by involving the police and end his behaviour. In doing something he doesnt think you 'have the bottle to do' you will surprise and shock him which may well hammer it home and they will protect you so its a win-win. Do you really and truly want his behaviour to escalate any further. Its borderline stalkerish now. You need to think of both yours and your sons safety. Once this is done, he will hopefully leave you alone and you can begin the long process of healing which will only take time I am afraid but it will happen. Good luck and take care :)xx
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female
reader, Holli' +, writes (15 June 2011):
 Hello,One thing is for sure you definatley need to move on from this moron - and you already know that. Block and delete him off you hotmail/email, changing your number was the right thing to do so well done.The next time he turns up outside your house, just do it! Call the police, then go out and make it clear to him there is NOTHING between the two of you, don't shout or yell as this just shows your angry and therefore he might think you don't really mean it. You just have to be strong, once he leaves you alone it will be so much easier for you to forget him and move on. Trust me - I have done it before.Once they arn't there your mind wonders onto other things and before you know it your going days without missing or even thinking of him.In this case I think it would be best for you and your son if you were to inform the police of his behaviour. Explain to them what you have in your problem so they are aware, that way if anything serious was to happen - which it wont (just incase) - you have already informed the police.Good Luck, honestly the best thing you can do is cut all contact ( deleting him off your email)and to inform the police if he continues to turn up at your sons school or outside your house.You will be able to forget him and move on easily, it just takes a little time ;)Hope this helps, good luck.xx
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): I wouldn't let emotions come into this, he is harrassing you and the Police need to be informed - if nothing else waiting outside your sons school is enough to send alarm bells ringing.It would make me act immediately
His wife makes idle threats and has him back so he probably thinks you will do exactly the same - eventually cave in to his stalking
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