A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Please bare with me, as this might get long and thank you in advance for reading. My boyfriend and I have lived together for over a year, and have a great relationship.one pertinent piece of information is that I have lupus, which for those who don't know, is a rare, serious chronic autoimmune disease. the problem is his mother. I've always gotten along great with her, until recently. Before. My boyfriend and I got together, he had the occasional girlfriend, but nothing serious. He was always available for his mother, and she would constantly be at his house watching TV or calling him for this or that. For a long time, she was on unemployment and was having a hard time catching up her bills, so she was always asking us for gas money and the like. One day, I gave her my last 20$ for gas to get back and forth to work. The next day she brought her garbage over (she brings it to our house so she doesn't have to pay city garbage.) In her garbage were several empty half racks of expensive beer! So she could buy expensive beer, but take MY last 20$. My boyfriend told her we would no longer be giving her gas money. This is where it started. She started texting me several times a day, just to talk. Then she started going to the doctor constantly.First, she started saying that she has arthritis, which I believe, the woman is in her 50s and has had a rough life. She was asking me to help her look for a less laborious job, which I did, but every thing I told her about, there was some reason why she couldn't apply.Then suddenly she quit her job, saying the doctor said she couldn't work anymore doing labor jobs. So now she is moving in with us because she can't pay bills without a job, which I am not happy about, but I didn't say anything, its his mom. She starts texting me, telling me its really HER house (which it is not, it was left to my boyfriend in his grandfathers will). I tell my boyfriend this, and he gets angry and confronts her, and she says "that's not really what I meant" etc.Through this, she keeps going to the doctor and starts asking me very specific questions about my disease and symptoms and such, which I thought was strange, but whatever.I get a text from her last night saying that she went to the doctor and she has lupus too, that she has all the symptoms, etc. Which is BS! I believe that she has arthritis, but I KNoW that she does not have lupus.I am so angry right now. I know she is looking for a way to not work, but that's not a good enough excuse for me! I work full time, go to school full time, AND take care of my two children, one of whom is a very energetic toddler! And now she is trying to "steal" my disease. I feel violated, because I AM struggling with it, and she has been using my symptoms to pretend! My guess as to why she's doing it is that she is mad that she is no longer the most important woman in her son's life, and she thinks that if she has the same disease as I do, if she is like me, that he will "come back" to her. It is all an attention ploy.She is supposed to move in with us this coming weekend. I didn't want her to before, but now I REALLY don't. What do I do?? Please help!!
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Wow, this is an intolerable situation. In view of your illness ask your Bf to put a stop on her arriving. Tell him it is not convenient. Because once she moves in you will NEVER get her out.
You have not had enough time to work out her contribution to make use of your resources, your privacy will be lost.
Put your case calmly and clearly, with no drama.
Your illness, (Lupus) is exhausting and undue stress will make it worse. For that reason also confirm with your BF that right now is unsuitable. Not even an 'over-night' stay.Because this woman WILL take liberties.
The Facts, just the Facts.
It will be too late to negotiate After she has Taken your Home Over.
First your guy, (where his Mom is using and abusing his trust), should have the inner strength to say 'NO' to his Mom.
But it seems that he can't. If that is the case then you will mostly lose if you ask him to pick either her or you. It is most likely he will pick his Mom, not withstanding that his Mom is a handfull as possibly has an alcohol problem.
But you do contribute to household expenses and maintenance. So you do have a right to some 'say' in how things develop.
You work, you have a young family and you study. If she has a drinking problem then she will be an unsuitable role model around the children. And she will potwntially frighten the children if she is affected by alcohol. She is unsuitable as a babysitter.
And what control will you have, regarding who she invites into your home, and what resources she uses, at your expense, when you/are away, hard at work or studying. This proposal that she 'move in' has more holes than a Sieve.
There is family you appreciate, and there is family you don't need. There is also a reason why the house was left to your guy, and not his Mom. That's because other in the family do recognise that your Mother-in-law is a USER and a first class Manipulator. Her relative recognised it and cut her out of inheriting the house.
This mother in law sounds lazy and unwilling to work. Millions of women who are in their 50s and older, the world over, (even with arthritis) do work. Your mother in law is a shirker.
Only some tough love will get her to face facts.
But your Bf has to support you in this. Otherwise this manipulative woman will 'divide and conquer' and ruin your relationship with your Bf.
Do not loan her another dime, not ever.
Do not accept her trash - tell her it's her problem, not yours.
Answer NO more questions on your illness and put your medication where she cannot look at it.
Do not help her find a job.
Ask your Bf if he will support you on a rule that is 'she can only come over IF she has been invited. And do not invite her more often than once a week.
If you do not do this then this woman will undermine and destroy your relationship with your Bf.
If your Bf cannot support you on this then I would suggest that you reconsider your relationship with him.
There are programs to help alcoholics. She's not managing her life well, she's
used to soaking up other people's money
and resources.
But worst of all, for you, if you give too much, then this woman will ruin your relationship with your man.
While you keep accomodating her wishes you are delaying her taking responsibilty for her life. She is an adult.
Her duplicity with Doctors will be discovered by Doctors soon enough. Doctors eventually catch out a liar.
Your boyfriend is not dealing with this problem as well as he could, and easily believes her when she is lying. He still feels a big responsibility for his Mom.
If your Bf was your husband then I would expect a husband to put his wife first. So your position could be stronger, but not is impossible.
I would not trust his Mom, not even an inch
A
female
reader, Battista  +, writes (15 June 2011):
You need to work this one out with your boyfriend I think. If it is his house then I guess ultimately he gets to decide who does and doesn't live there. I appreciate it is very difficult for you as you have an established way of live with your bf and now she is going to become a part of that life.
The beer/gas money thing is bad, I am not surprised you are not happy about the way she has treated you. I am interested as to what your bf thinks about it all. I guess it is very difficult for him because no matter what she does, she IS still him mum when all is said and done.
I would also ask you, what are your plans with this man? Do you have plans to marry? The reason I ask is because this would have a bearing on decision making about your living arrangements.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): My God, she sounds like a nightmare. No wonder you don't want someone that deceitful around your family.
Be calm and honest about your doubts. Make her moving in conditional on her showing you definitive DNA antibody results for lupus. It's a highly specific test and it won't show positive if she doesn't have it.
If she's unable to produce the results, you can make a definitive case that she's untrustworthy.
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