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female
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*actam7
writes:I was married in August, to a man I knew when I was a teenager...He is 21 years in the military, and I thought his word was solid... We have only lived together for a month and a half because he was sent on an 8 week mission shortly after the wedding...We lived in two different states, so the time we spent together before the wedding was shorter than normal..Recently I found out everything he told me about his finances is a lie...He said that the reason he couldn't finish paying for the wedding was because he couldn't pull the earnings from his CD's, but there was an internal investigation and the money should come through soon..That was 6 months ago.Not knowing anything about CD's, I and everyone else believed him. He said he sold a home last January, but can't remember the address. He is supposed to have a rental property in the same location, but no proof. He said he was paying for the wedding by transferring funds from the CD's to his checking account, but the only thing that was going in was paychecks, and payday loans.I never received my ring because he said he still owed on it, and as soon as the CD's come through we'll go pick it up, but won't tell the name of the jeweler or show me any receipts....He also won't show me any invoices on his investments because his attorney and accountant has all the paperwork. So many things to write down, but not enough time.I am 2000 miles away from my home, no money because as soon as we got here he couldn't afford to pay the bills I had. He has hocked his tv's, and is selling furniture.The ring was supposed to cost 34,000 and I told him to just go get the money back so we could pay the bills and get him out of financial trouble, but he won't hear of it. With the money he makes, he should be doing fine. But he has 1500 dollars in loans, and then takes out 2000 in payday loans which cost him 600 dollars each month. Then he over draws his checking account 1500 every month.I am just at a lost, and not sure how to get back home at this time. If he comes clean, what chance do we have of this relationship working?He doesn't know that I know all the details.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Actually all his financial problems are past and present, He is lying because he is choosing to, not because I have forced him. I told him everything, even my financial situation. He deceived me into thinking he was very responsible about his finances. I would not have judged him, I would have told him lets sit down and discus what we need to do to fix the problem, which is exactly what I have told him. But insists there is just a glitch, and he is working it. His way of working it is taking out even more cash advances, which now he cannot pay back. He never gave me the chance I gave him to decide for myself what I would have done, he just assumed I would not accept him. That is not my problem, and I will not own it. Lying is lying, a half truth is lying...Can I forgive lying?, absolutely, can I live with someone who is incapible of telling the truth when I have told him together we can fix it, no. I am not responsible for making him lie to me, he chose to do that. He did not trust or respect me enough to tell me the truth, and I did not give him any reason to feel he couldn't tell me the truth. Fragile female ego? I was raised by my father, ex military, logger. He actually taught me what integrity and honor meant. My problem is that I want to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, and in turn this is what happened.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): If you really loved him then you would accept him. All those past mistakes made him the man he is today. He was forced to lie about his financial dealings because you would have judged him for it if you knew the truth. Your fragile female ego couldn't handle it.
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A
female
reader, mactam7 +, writes (18 January 2011):
mactam7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your insight...
I didn't know he had any financial problems until after the wedding, at least none that would make me suspicious.
He is in a bad cycle of taking out payday loans and overdrafting, just to have to do it again and again.
He has all the allotments because of trips and furniture ect....640 a month in child support.
The investments I do not feel he really has, I have asked him about cashing in the so called ring, the cd's anything that would get him out of this bind, but he refuses.
We may be married, but I will be checking into an annulment because of the deception involved.
Yes I do have my own dept, I told him everything before we were married...I really have no assets to speak of, and any thing left on my credit cards was used in the last month...so I am totally tapped out.
It is a awful situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): I didn't know the finances were this way until after the marriage, as for the investments....there is no evidence of any, I believe he made them up to try and look better...
He has been in the cycle of using the payday loans and overdrafting his account...He gets paid pays the paydays and overdrafts then has to take more out to pay the rest of his bills...
The allotments taken out of his check every two weeks is for childsupport, 640 and 1500 in loans. The loans were for furniture, trips...basically living outside of his means.
I have been looking for work, no luck yet. But definately do not want to be stuck in this State so far away from my family, children and grand children...He is scheduled to re deploy in June, and I think this has become a habit...leave come back, spend, then leave again.
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A
female
reader, wornoutmommy +, writes (18 January 2011):
 um. One thing is for certain here. You need to get a job (if you don't have one already) and keep your finances completely separate from his. My bf overspends as well... but not to this extreme. I would have to saw there is definitely an addiction here (gambling, drinking or drugs) and that is why he is lying. Also, have you been financially stable yourself? My uncle would target women who had money only to marry them and suck their accounts dry. Yes, your debt is now shared once you're married... but you can still make sure he doesn't touch your wallet. Payday loans is something that is used as a last resort, and only when there is no money any where else to acquire. A CD is like a savings account where money is put in for a locked amount of time. If the money is taken out before the time span, then there is a penalty fee- but seriously less than what he is paying payday loans. The reason people use CDs is because of the interest accrued from them, it's like a retirement account that doesn't have to wait till retirement. Another thing, now that you're married- and I'm assuming you didn't have a (oh i don't know what its called) 'terms of agreement' before marriage- where it plainly states that these things are yours and these are his, if you didn't do this then if you decide to divorce because of this, he gets half of your assests. Not a good situation.
Hope you make the best of it!
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Slim chances of the marriage working if he grows up mans up and starts managing his finances properly and stops being a habitual liar that should've sent red flags up on you with the lies.
Secondly I'd be questioning why is so badly in debt to start with since he has a decent job when his on active duty what is he spending those sums of money on?
I'd be questioning seriously where those large amounts are being spent does he have an underlying addiction he is isnt being honest with or is it being spent on whores overseas? how well do you know his past was he previously married with children and is trying to keep alimony oaid without you knowing?
I'd be questioning every little bit sure some men are hopeless with finances but large withdrawal sums like that when they know full well their in debt is highly suspicious.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Yikes! And now that you're married, his debt becomes shared. Good times.
You can be reasonably certain that he's lied about pretty much everything financially concerned. That being the case, you may want to consider what other stuff he's lying about. To me, it sounds like he has other problems that he's spending his money on. Perhaps a drug or gambling addiction. Be very cautious here.
I've been in banking the last 5 years. I can tell you this. If people have CD's, they don't take out payday loans. They'd rather take the early closing penalty than the interest from those loan sharks.
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