A
female
age
30-35,
*lackroseimmortal
writes:This is so hard, I dunno where to start :/I moved abroad about a year ago, I left everything behind because I wanted to pursue some intellectual goals. Everyone supported me and it seemed pretty exciting for me. Things were good, and they got better when I met my (now -ex) boyfriend. We fell in love so fast and we formalized our relationship , it was awesome, I had never felt like this for anyone.For a whole year we never had a fight and he said he loved me all the time. We had made plans for the future, he even talked about getting married and having kids... so can you imagine how happy I felt? Our sex life was great, but with time he made me feel less sexy and we didn't have sex as often as before, I guessed it was because we had fallen into a "routine". I was ok with it. I want to point out that I had MORE sex drive than him. So things were not going good in other aspects of my life and I felt depressed, but he was my top priority. I didn't do well financially and I said I wanted to go back to my country at least for a while so I could make some money and then return and plan a life together. So...we were going to take a break, he agreed. But the last time I went to his place, I used his computer and I found a lot of porn. A LOT. Like hundreds of videos EVERY month. And it was the most sickening, disgusting and degrading shit ever!!!! All this titles of "brutal anal rape" "cumshot on her ass" "lina coxxx gets sodomized". My heart sank and I started crying. I can't believe I was with such a sick bastard all the time. How can someone get a turn on to see women being treated worse than animals?It hurts me to think that many times after he told me I love you on msn, he would close the program and proceed to wank to some sluts. I confronted him and he didn't say anything, he didn't apologize, I screamed at him and he said "well what do I do? I'm a man". I had mentioned to him before how I felt about porn, I told him it hurted me and I didn't want him to see it, but he didn't care. I'm thinking about the times when I wanted sex and rejected me or didn't get horny at all, maybe it was because I didn't like the girls in those videos. After this, I felt horrible about myself, I have no self-steem anymore. I'm just 19 and I'm not fat or ugly. I think I will never be enough for any man.I've read a lot of questions here about men addicted to porn, and I just can't believe how many women go through this. We can't allow it. Porn is ruining millions of lives and relationships. I don't buy that shit of "it's a biological thing, and all men do it". It's not a normal thing, it's betrayal!!!!I feel worthless and like my whole life is ruined, I would have given everything for him and he couldn't even show a little bit of respect. What do I do now? :(
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a break, addicted to porn, depressed, fell in love, horny, I love you, money, msn, porn, sex drive, sex life Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 November 2011): He will not change for you. He's not turned on by conventional sex anymore because he has watched so much extreme porn.
You are hurting and I'm really sorry for you. BUT... do NOT go back to him, no matter what he promises or says.
YOU DESERVE BETTER! You will find a REAL man and a whole new world will open up for you.
A
female
reader, HappyPlace  +, writes (23 November 2011):
 "I didn’t become a consumer of abusive images of men, I never felt the need to bully, oppress, hurt or control anyone sexually. If anything it made me more of a victim. Only his lack of conscience, empathy and respect for women would do that, and that can only be explained by a patriarchal system which dehumanises women, excuses violence against them, and provides examples of how to do it via pornography".I've plagiarised the above from a recent article in "The Anti-porn men project" but I think it is spot on. Any man who regularly consumes porn will have an altered view of the women that they meet. Women become a sexual object, which explains why you get some a-holes staring at your tits or your butt, or beautiful women being harrassed by men who "think they can". I'm tired of this power play. Your man is showing a basic lack of regard for women in general by the crap that he has watched. So he was on his own for a while - big deal! My partner watched porn at the beginning of our relationship, nothing quite on the scale of your bf, but I didn't like it and asked him to give it up - the ultimatum was if he didn't, he was history. And he has given up. I knew when he had watched it because it turned him into a selfish lover. Without it, he's a genius in bed and he has stopped viewing women as objects!! Plus, just recently, he has been as horny as a jay-bird and I get to have lots of fun!!!!!! All without porn! He was never that horny as a consumer of porn!If as a woman you accept porn in your life with your partner, or on your own, then I'd say "see the bigger picture". I liked porn when I watched it, it's pretty powerful stuff. But then I watched it one day, and realised that I was helping to fund a pretty awful industry and I don't like how the woman were treated. It was all for the benefit of men!! I have absolutely no desire to look at that shit ever again - freedom to explore my sexuality with my partner without third party interference. A friend recently admitted that she had separated from her partner as he had been on a site (Scrabble) and he had been talking dirty with another woman. She said to me "I've no problem with him watching porn", but I don't think she realised the two things were related. He had watched porn and felt "entitled" to start chatting with another woman! That's the rocky road it can lead you down.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 November 2011): I could not sleep with this guy after seeing all this as it would turn my stomach. Not all men are like this believe me.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (22 November 2011):
 Not sure about an addiction to porn, and neither are you. You left the guy alone, expected him to be faithful, you went to another country to earn money. What did you expect the guy to do, do completely without any type of sex for a year.Anon says he should have been more thoughtful, and understood your distress. Well it's hard to be understanding when someone comes in and shouts "YOU SICK BASTARD", and tells him that what is is interest in is disgusting and degrading.Sigh - Your 19, and you have your views about sex and porn. But millions of people like porn, like anal sex and have no problems about where a guy wants to shoot their load.Please search Dear Cupid for discussion about pornography usage. You don't have to like what he looks at, but the type of pornography he uses doesn't make him sick. Most men use pornography, not all, and many women use it too. The titles you talk about aren't shocking, they are normal mainstream porn. Not sure about your country, but porn is probably legal there."How can someone get a turn on to see women being treated worse than animals?" - Your only 19, you still don't understand the big range of sexual activity. Here on dear cupid we have heard it all. People falling in love with dogs, people who can't have sex unless they hold their breath. The thing about sex, fantasies and fetishes, is that people can get aroused by lots of things. And no it's not because their sick. It's because not all humans think the same way.I know in other countries people eat monkeys and insects, but I don't shout at them and say they must all be sick bastards. I know that they like what they like, and they aren't forcing it on me, so why should I try to force them to be me. You like chocolate ice-cream, I like vanilla ice-cream.If you don't like pornography, fine, tell him. But don't expect him to do without you, and visual images for a year. You can't force anyone to give up pornography, ice-cream or eating monkey's. It's not fair, and why should they, it's you that has the problem, they are happy with what they are doing."I feel worthless and like my whole life is ruined, I would have given everything for him and he couldn't even show a little bit of respect"What respect, what give him everything - from where I'm standing he's the one who has been treated badly. You went away, and you only came back because you couldn't make money and you found it too hard. Then you start shouting because you find out he likes a certain type of porn.He might give it up for you. Some men do. But he might just sit down and wonder what he gets out of this relationship. If your self-esteem is tied up on what a man does in private, then you have big, big problems. Your self-esteem should be based on what you can achieve for yourself. If this is your first introduction to porn, then I'm sorry, but in the 21st century, this is how life is. You might not like it, but that's your opinion. You are one person, you have no right to force anybody to think like you do.You don't like pornography, he does, you can't forget about it, so leave him, and find another guy who is more compatible with you. If you have very strong feelings, join an anti-porn group and campaign against it. But don't blame the world because it's not the way you want it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): Let me throw in a different male perspective. I believe that OP has every right to be upset. Not mainly for the porn, but mostly that her bf did not seem to have any sympathy for her feelings. He showed no interest in making peace with her or making her feel better, no interest in talking about it and proposing a solution, or even any remorse for something his gf was not ok with.I think this is not the man for you. You should move back to your country to take care of those money troubles and find a job. Then who knows, im sure you will meet someone far more suitable for you. There are plenty of men out there, even those who watch porn, who will gladly talk to you about it and would change or give up the habit for you.As for the porn itself.I have been in a committed relationship for 3 years now. Does my gf arouse me, hell yes. Do i watch porn, occasionally, usually when she hasnt been around for a while (traveling,etc.) Do i watch things with those titles, absolutely not. I think there is a line between porn and exploitation. And i do understand that some people are into 'different' things. But i do not believe that 100s of videos is normal, i think people like this can control themselves if they put in the effort but many choose not to under the guise of 'its a man thing'.If my gf told me she was not ok with porn i would stop looking at it, or at least work something out that does not bother her.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): I've said this before and I will say it again:
"Get over it" and "deal with it" is not useful advise, unless you can also provide ideas on HOW she can overcome it. There is no on/off switch for feelings. The pain is there, like it or not.
I say this as a woman who doesn't mind porn, but just because I have a different viewpoint as the OP doesn't mean I think she's wrong to feel the way she does. There is no right and wrong when it comes to opinions, and telling her to "get over it" is like telling her she's wrong to have her opinion just because it doesn't match yours.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2011): There is obviously a huge market for this type of degrading porn but for a lot of people violent and anal porn is really not ok. People will always justify it in the name of sex and porn.
The OP you should always go by your instinct. If it feels wrong its because it is wrong.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): men watch porn fact. get over it he is not sick, the only way u can justify him been sick is if he has been watching illegal types of porn ie child porn if he hasent then u have nothing to worry about. Btw, 9 out of 10 boyfriends ull have will watch porn
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): To the male anon who said "deal with it":
There is no on/off switch for feelings. The pain is there, like or not. Telling her to "deal with it" is just plain insensitive. I'm sure if the OP could just decide to stop feeling upset, she would. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. In fact, I think some women's feelings about their men watching porn is similar to how some men feel when they learn their girlfriends had a promiscuous past.
"If you can't have a boyfriend that watches porn then good luck have fun finding a caveman that has never heard of the internet"
That is an unfair generalization. Not ALL men watch porn. It may seem that way since a lot do, but you can't possibly account for every man in the world. There is always going to be someone who is different.
Now, porn doesn't bother me. My husband used to watch it and gave it up because he got bored of it. But when he did watch it, he didn't hide it from me because he knew I didn't care. That said, if I were to have found HUNDREDS of videos on my husband's computer (back when he still watched porn), well, I wouldn't have been as cool with it. That seems more like an obsession rather than just "being a man". The OP has every right to be concerned and irritated with her partner. This isn't healthy. He's obviously spending way too much time at this. Who even has the time to download and watch that many videos? Does he not work or have a social life?
As for WHAT he watches, I guess you just need to ask yourself, has he ever shown signs of being abusive toward you or any other woman he knows? If not, then I would say what he watches says nothing about who he is as a person. Some people just have fetishes, and they can't help what turns them on. As for you partner, he may not even know WHY it turns him on, and he could even feel guilty about it. That said, he still needs to have more self control on how much time he spends watching it. Your sex life should not be suffering over it, this is proof he needs to cut back.
If he refuses to do this, then you will have to go your separate ways. Maybe it would be for the best, then you can both find someone else you're more compatible with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2011): Guys have more or less porn. Just because he watches it doesn't mean he is sick. People that play shooting games aren't mass murderers.
If you can't have a boyfriend that watches porn then good luck have fun finding a caveman that has never heard of the internet.
DEAL WITH IT
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A
female
reader, mammaboo +, writes (21 November 2011):
 Your whole life is not ruined because some man can,t control himself. He has no regard for your feelings atall by what you have said. I spoke to someone earlier about porn and i told her what i did .In your case this will not work because you have no foundation with the guy. He is not respecting you atall.
Porn ruins lives of those who allow it, however in relationships where there is a foundation it can be fun.
Have you ever watched any porn for yourself. You will find that it is very personal to you and what one person watches another cannot watch. Thats because there is only tiny fragments of the film which actually arouse you. For your Bf its anal sex. It doesn,t matter what she looks like its what they are doin!unfortunatly for him he doesn,t know how to control his addiction to it.
If you were to watch some mild porn with friends or by yourself you will see for yourself what i am talking about. I was very against porn but i have found it has helped many people. People who have a sound mind to begin with that is!!
I am not suggesting that what he is watching should be exceptable to you of course not. Anal sex and all it suggests is not the most favoured of sexual activities among us humans but it does go on.
You donot have assocaite your self with this kind of behaviour but the industry was not invented to make you feel worthless. It is people like this bf that do that.
You have to find yourself again and leave this lad behind!
I wish you all the best!
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