A
female
age
30-35,
*uckycloud
writes:I am 27, yet still so naive in love.I will try to make this as short as possible.Both times when being betrayed, I never had a doubt because he was still treating me as good as we used to be. 6 months ago, my bf had feelings for a girl he just met. After that, he tried to keep contact with her, both on facebook and phone number. She didn't like him at all back then, so he used different facebook account and phone number to contact her, just to know about her/her day/her job situation ... Of course he did it all behind my back.Somehow I found out about that. He apologized and promised to stay away from that girl. I forgave him. We also had a serious talk about our relationship. Both of us promised to make changes and would try harder since we still love each other.Almost a week ago, I found out that he created a new facebook account just 2 months ago to have conversation with that girl. Again. Things got even further. He used fake name, stole someone else's pictures to send her. He even ask his friend to record a voice to send her. They told each other loving lines. She believed them all, yet still a little doubt. On that day, I was sitting on his computer, just randomly opened facebook and found out about that. They were even chatting right at that moment. I told her right there that account was fake, used by my bf to get her. She then stayed silent. There are more events after that, mostly he denied, saying that was not him chatting, that it was his friend, that he only loves me ... Now I will come to the end part.After 5 days of forcing him telling me the whole truth but he still denied that was him, I convinced him one more time that I just need him to tell me everything, and however terrible it was, however terrible the things he did, I would still forgive him. Then he told me everything. In tears. I was actually calm, and even gave him hugs, tried to comfort him. He finally sounded honestly this time. He cried a lot, saying he was not meant to play with 2 girls at once, he was not meant to betray me. He said he was just weak, and because I was so tense at times, he fell for her tenderness instead. And he said he regrets a lot, for hurting me and her as well, that he felt guilty for lying to her and making her falling so deep in love.He said he wants to forget all about her. But I know he might never forget this.My decision was: As long as he still comes back and still wants this relationship, and tells me everything, and I still have feelings for him, I would still forgive him.That was yesterday. Today, we still made time to see each other. We talked, had dinner, had a ride around my city. He held my hands just like all the time before.However, I still see sadness in his eyes; and myself also feel uncomfortable because I still hold the thought that his love was once shared. I don't really know why he chose me over that girl. I thought mostly because she doesn't like him in reality, so he has no choice. I asked him and he said he doesn't really know either, maybe because he got used to being with me.I am worried (for sure) that he's still with me just like a habit. However, I also believe him when he says he still loves me, and still wants this relationship continuing to last. I don't feel him completely back to me yet, just the body, not quite the soul. In short, I think he still loves me, just not as much as he used to, but it's a good sign that he wants to be back in this together.Please don't judge my decision. I know it is stupid. I am totally aware that he might not deserve me and my love. And I fully understand the risk of being betrayed again in the future.I am just a girl who wants to treat the boy she loves as well as she can. Simple as that. So my question is:What can I do to solve the awkwardness between us now?What can I do to get us through this tough time and gain back a little warmness for our relationship?
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male
reader, N91  +, writes (26 July 2017):
 Don't ever use someone else to get over an ex.
That's very selfish and really unfair on the person. Block your ex, delete him off all social media and move on. If he still manages to contact you, then log all of the attempts, keep proof and take it to the police if it becomes harassment.
YOU are the one making it hard for yourself to move on by LETTING him stay in your life. YOU are the only person that can get over him and you do this by taking back control of your feelings by dumping this odd human being.
How he thinks what he's doing is normal is beyond me. Faking his identity to speak to another girl and showing you the messages like it's okay? I'm sorry but that's one of the weirdest things I've read on this website and I can't believe you let it slide twice if I'm being honest.
Grow a backbone and move on from this guy, you deserve much better and you know it.
A
female
reader, luckycloud +, writes (26 July 2017):
luckycloud is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just get lost in feelings and can't think straight and act cold.Thanks a lot WiseOwlE.You really are Wise Owl if you know what I mean.Send you my thank-you hug. :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): My dear, you don't look for replacements. That's needy and living on the rebound. You'll be easy prey for players.
Why not work on cutting ties, and going no contact? Grow-up and be your own woman, and stop being dragged about by some guy who's playing in-between you and some other female. If he comes knocking at your door, grow a pair and tell him to get lost. He's keeping you from moving on. He can have girlfriends, but you're supposed to be alone pining for him.
Usually, guys like that can't stand the thought of you having sex with other men. Like you're his property. Left on the shelf, to be used when other females dump him.
Seriously?!!
You need to be single awhile and find your independence; if you have to be in relationships to feel alive. Girlfriend, you are far too carried-away with boyfriend-drama.
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A
female
reader, luckycloud +, writes (26 July 2017):
luckycloud is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am sorry. ok?
I will be calm and not do anything more.
But what if he keeps coming back to me? What can I do?
I had a thought of finding someone else, and by this I only mean someone to share, to replace (so I don't have to think of him every time) - and I would be straight that I want this as a help, not as a relationship commitment.
It sounds crazy, right? But what if somebody is out there and agree to help me through?
I'm trying to let go. And it's difficult every time. Okay?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2017): If he's your ex, you're suffering because you won't let go. Now you're competing for him. Oh well!
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A
female
reader, luckycloud +, writes (26 July 2017):
luckycloud is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much :)He still seemed strange yesterday. He came to me, still gave me hugs, held hands, even kissed. But the attitude/the feeling is not the way before.I know, right?He still contacts the girl and tries to make her feel better (by still keeping the lie, still keeping her thinking he's not that fake identity) - he let me see the conversations. But I don't really support his way to saying things, because in my opinion, his way of saying this could not help end everything. I suggested my opinion, but he didn't listen. He wants to calm her down, yet I think we should give everyone a space.The irony is even myself worries about her since she had the thought of ending her life (she said she had that thought for a lot of things she's been through, and being lied is just a part)She sounds so weak and makes everyone worried about her. I would curse her a witch if I can. Honestly. What kind of person is that? Who keeps saying to stop a relationship with someone yet still acts like she needs attention and draws everyone back to her?I'm really tired of this girl. She can't even hold on to herself. And my (ex) bf just keeps worrying about her, plus feeling guilty for her. I'm fucked by both of them. Really!I promise I will at sometimes take myself out of this shitty situation.Thank you for all your replies.I wish that feeling of love had never come to me.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 July 2017):
 I second N91's opinion. I don't think you can bring back the warmness but most of all I don't think you should.
Come on, you caught him red handed once, you forgave him, he acted repentant and promised to never do it again, and then... you just caught him a second time, doing the same and worse. I think that everybody deserves a second chance- and nobody deserves a third. If you stay with him, you can expect any time the same kind of behaviour, again and again, he'll just cry a little more.
Actually , that's not even the most worrisome part. I mean, hey we are all human and imperfect, everybody can have a moment of weakness, of distraction, and end up tempted by something new. But your guy is just ... creepy ! the way he went about the whole thing is insane and disgusting, it is catfishing at its most manic , outrageous level ! I can see, sort of, how you would forgive him for being a potential cheater. But are you sure that you want to forgive him for being such an unredeemable idiot ?!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2017): When trust is lost, things are never the same. I forgave someone who cheated on me, also. I was younger than you at the time, and we had a history that went back since we were teenagers. I even caught him in the act!
I had little experience, so my decision was to forgive him and work it out. It lasted twenty-five more years, until he died of cancer. He worked very hard to regain my trust, and I worked very hard to forgive him. It was never the same as we were before. It took my heart a long time to catch-up with my forgiveness. I'm the type to live by my logic, as well as my feelings. As far as I know, he never cheated again. He was loving, kind, generous, and very intelligent. We nearly grew-up together, so I knew him quite well.
All men are not the same and don't always value your trust for what it's worth. I took a gamble and won. As far as I know. He'd have to be a very a very clever guy to get past me, but he swore an oath to me. He was always a man of his word. He had a good history to support my decision upon.
I am much older now, and have much more experience than I had then. My maturity and experience with relationships have made me less likely to tolerate cheating. If I can control myself and value someone's trust; I expect no less in return. I've been tempted, but I stopped myself at the last moment. So my expectations are high, because I know what I'm worth. I'm not perfect, but I'm faithful and loving.
Don't make it a habit of lowering yourself to settle for bad behavior and disrespect in exchange for your love. That IS what you might call "stupid." Love can't survive without trust, like you can't survive without air. Liars and cheaters don't often change. What's the point of loving them so much, when they love you so much less? They'll see your feelings as your weakness; and bearing no consequences makes cheating even easier the next time. Just more careful not to get caught.
Retain your dignity and self-esteem as a woman. Grovel and beg for no man to love you. If he turns to other women, accept no excuses for dismissing your feelings and commitment as if they mean nothing to him. As if your trust is worth no more to him than a pile of dog feces. Empty-promises are used to manipulate your feelings.
A foolish woman in-love has to learn by her own mistakes. She has to be stung so bad until she can't feel and/or trust. That is a woman who doesn't know her self-worth. Don't be that woman. You'll be worth nothing to yourself or anybody else once he's done tearing you down. In most cases, that's how a cheater wants to leave you, a useless mess with trust-issues. Hoping you won't find anyone better than he is. While he happily and easily moves-on to the next woman.
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A
female
reader, This_is_not_a_dress_rehearsal  +, writes (25 July 2017):
 Watch Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, a film about erasing bad memories. That's what your asking here
How about remembering every time he effing lied to you. Every time he came on to this other girl.
This pondscum you say you love will keep on doing pondscummy stuff because that's part of his happy happy joy joy in life. Some cheats just like the thrills of putting one over on the sad little boring gf. Like Tiger Woods this pondscum needs the zing of cheating. Your awkwardness and coolness towards him is your sensible side trying to reel you back in from making the same damn mistake again.
Cmon girl, you can do so so so much better
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 July 2017):
Come on, be serious here.
You've caught this man twice speaking to another woman. Not just trying to speak to her, using fake identities and going to bizarrely creepy lengths to speak to her. Is that seriously not raising a red flag with you?
He isn't sorry for what he did, he is sorry because he was caught. If he truly regretted his actions then why did he do it a second time? I really think you need to get a grip of things. What your BF is doing IS NOT normal. It's extremely creepy to catfish someone.
You solve the awkwardness by breaking up with him. You two ARE NOT meant to be together. Do you think someone who loves you would do this to you? You're selling yourself majorly short by staying with this guy. Odds are he's going to do this again and it's only a matter of time before you catch him in the act.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (24 July 2017):
 Sorry but there is no going back to what it was. It is a different relationship now. You have to decide if you can exist with person who you now know to be different to who you imagined him to be. Can it be mended? I'm not sure.
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