A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hi I am 45, recently divorced and redundant. Due to all these reasons I have been fairly depressed. I recently met a 37 year old guy at a party socially who befriended me and showed me a lot of sympathy. He also seems attracted to me. As a result I have started confiding in him about my problems. I love the support he shows and the attention he gives. He is now suggesting since we are good friends it should be ok for us to get intimate and have regular sex, no strings attached to satisfy each other. He has a long term girlfriend of 15 yrs and I absolutely don't want to get into this. It is against everything I believe in. But I am lonely and he keeps coming back to me with his warmth and support and then starts the talk about sex. He says as long as his girlfriend doesn't know about it, she can't get hurt. He keeps talking about things lightly touching on erotica in a way that a tension starts between us and I am beginning to feel scared. I am worried that in my moment of vulnurability I might give in and then live with guilt forever. He is trying to seduce me when we are alone.I am happy to have him as friend but not a sex partner as long as he is committed to someone else. I feel so lost. He is trying to convince me that his girlfriend is aware that he sleeps outside the relationship and therefore it's not cheating as suchPlease help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2011): "I absolutely don't want to get into this"
Right instincts...stick with them. No matter what he says.
He is not your friend, he is an abuser and he wants to abuse his gf of 15 years. That is all this is, abuse.
A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 Thanks for the update! Since you are not an assertive person, I'm not sure you will have the strength to stand up to this man... so it's best that you cut ties with him altogether, or at the very least... maintain only a phone/text/email friendship with him. It's easier to stand your ground if you are not face to face.
You're at a low point in your life, so it's not surprising you have found comfort and support from this man. It happens to the best of people, so don't blame yourself for this. If you need support and nonjudgmental advice, I would be more than happy to help you out. Feel free to send me a message on here. At the very least, please give us an update in the future! Stay positive and keep your chin up! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): Hi thanks for your kind replies. I really don't want to get involved. All I need is a friend to share my feelings when I feel too lonely. But I am not very assertive and I realise that he is using that to try and get to his means. He avoids details about his gf so I don't know why they haven't married. But I keep wondering how devastated the poor girl would be if she knew.
I will stand up for myself and I have started to avoid him now. But I needed to get some moral support so I'm glad I wrote here. Thanks so much again. Much appreciated.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): I was laid off last year and know how emotionally vulnerable you feel. I think other people can pick up on that and try to use it to your advantage. The same sort of thing has happened to me in the past few months. I would also suggest that because you are unemployed, you have more free time to think about these things (potential mates) than he does. For you, this man appears as a real potential because you have more time to imagine him, for him, you may be merely an escape from the 9-5 and a stagnant relationship. You really should acknowledge this potential difference in perception.If you give into to your weakness for this guy, it will be a disaster. Stick to your values. Your character is more important than a small and TEMPORARY dip in your career and way in life. Being unemployed doesn't mean you can't be loved, but you shouldn't forget your values and why you respect yourself. They are more important than a 9-5 job.Best of luck to you.You sound thoughful and emp
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A
male
reader, Kilcardy +, writes (23 January 2011):
Do you really want to get involved with such a creep. I say this only because I can see this coming a mile away. This guy is an emotional vampire. He sees you are vulnerable and he simply wants to use you for his own benefit. He doesn't give a damn about you. Don't for a minute believe that crap that his gf of 15 years is ok with him sleeping around. He's basically told you the following: "Hi, I'm a manipulative user of vulnerable women, untrustworthy, and out for myself." Why would you even think of going there???? There have to be other decent, single men who won't rain down pain and drama on your head and leave you emotionally reeling. That is exactly what this guy is going to end up doing to you. You've been warned. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): Look I am a man who hears other men,I have seen some men like this he is. You are not his concern,you are his prey.He will be telling all his chums about this bit he got into and having a laugh at your expense. I will tell you, decent guys dont prey on weakness. If you are ok about being used then go for it. Remember,you will feel good but feel far far worse later. Also,dont talk about anything you dont want repeating,he is not interested in your well being he see`s another bit he can add to his score.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): He is lying about his gf knowing about or being ok with this. You are not ok with this so why even consider it?
He is playing on your weakness which is that you're recently divorced and lonely and you need some support. I would guess he goes after women who are in this situation frequently. He is not your friend he is just manipulating you to get what he wants.
You know all of this so act accordingly and give him the boot. Find some real friends.
Just read these two statements and it will be obvious what a liar this guy is.
The real question is why are you allowing him to talk you into to this? Are you that lonely that this is what you want for yourself?
“He says as long as his girlfriend doesn't know about it, she can't get hurt.”
“He is trying to convince me that his girlfriend is aware that he sleeps outside the relationship and therefore it's not cheating as such.”
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A
female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (23 January 2011):
You and this man are engaging in an emotional affair, and if you don't stand up to him now, this affair will soon become physical. If this happens, you will only end up falling harder for this man. Unfortunately, he has a girlfriend, so you will find the relationship unfulfilling because he cannot offer you a real commitment. In addition, you will be plagued with guilt for sleeping with another woman’s man. Imagine how heartbroken his girlfriend would feel if she found out her boyfriend was having an affair.
I am curious about his relationship though. Why hasn’t he married this woman? I understand that some people don’t believe in marriage, but I find it strange that he hasn’t tied the knot with her after 15 years. Have you asked him about this?
What exactly do you want from him? If you’re lonely and looking for physical intimacy from a man, there are plenty of wonderful single men who would be more than happy to step up to the plate. If he were single, would you want to pursue a relationship with him? If so, you need to tell him that you will not engage in anything physical with him unless he is single. Unfortunately, he seems determined to prey upon your vulnerable state of mind in order to have sex with you.
What do you plan on doing? Let us know what happens. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (23 January 2011):
 hi
oh please don't do this. you have got good principles, please don't compromise them! you think you feel lonely now but imagine how lonely and USED you will feel if you give in to this.
he is clearly just after sex, he is using the promise of friendship as bait. if he wanted to be your friend he would be open about things and introduce him to his partner so she could befriend you too. he does not care if you are lonely, it suits him because it makes you vulnerable!
if you are lonely do something to improve the situation, all the usual advice applies: get in touch with friends, family, take up a class for fun or education to help you to get a new job, join a gym or club.
could be that after 15 years with his girlfriend he is looking to spice up his boring relationship, but please don't let it be at the emotional expense of you. you may think that he will leave her for you: even if he did, your problems would be FAR from over
xx
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female
reader, FANTASSYGODDESS +, writes (23 January 2011):
 o dear this has bad new's written all over it , and you no this to be true already in every word you just wrote . you no this to be bad . if you were in his girlfriend's shoe's would you want that to happen to you ? - what goes around comes around we all no that saying , i don't think his girlfriend know's , or why is it a secret from her . he kinda told on himself right there . i don't think ppl. should jump around like that from partner to partner , that's very un-safe ! std's or worse . not even a condom is so safe , ppl. should really think before they react and live with the regret . sounds like he wants his pie and eat's it to . plus what man now a day's is mature in any age range that puzzles me . -doll- i rather be safe then sorry... good luck with what you chose to do.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2011): i think he just lie and wants you for his casual sex partner,dont belive him and be strong to say no to him and forget his talk and love is not true, he is deciving you as well as his gairlfirend.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): He is a rat,you know he is. He is playing with you. He isnt the least bit concerned about your problems in life,but is using them to get sex. Maybe he could introduce you to his long term who doesnt mind then? Even if she doesnt which I doubt,you are still allowing yourself to be used. At this moment in your life,youre vulnerable and will end up feeling far worse than you could imagine. You either tell him to go or face what you will get. You wont be the first, he knows where he`s at and so do you. Do you not have much experience,as at your age you should surely be wise enough to know he`s a cold person when he turns it to sex?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2011): I don't believe in that...he is using you..you will be hurt...he has a girlfriend for 15 years!! You will be the second part..the second call..the booty call..(I am sorry..)...You are old enough to know that. Let him to find somelse for his pleasure...You deserve better. I know you are alone...you are depressed..so what? Find some thing to do..take some yoga classes, dance classes, gym,exercise yourself...Don't waste your time with this piece of trash.
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