A
male
 ,
*eithym
writes:Hi guys can you help? I'm 32 (embarrassed that a guy my age is even on here) and feel I'm getting on now and need to find a decent girlfriend. I’ve been single for 2/3 years now but to be honest girlfriends have always been hard to find. (before then was a bout 4/5 yrs) I’m frustrated because I’m missing out, and I find it so damn difficult. Its not that I’m the shyest person in the world. I’m in fact very friendly and polite, just got no flirting/seduction skills when it comes to talking to women. I’ve recently joined dating site as a last resort but seems like the girls on there are ultra picky. What’s even more frustrating is that I have found that throughout my life and also through online dating the girls I fancy never find me attractive. This is telling me that I’m either punching well above my weight or have hopeless dating skills. But the girls I’m going after aren’t exactly super models just that I need to have some physical attraction to go along side with a sweet, reserved personality which I fall for.I would be so grateful for any advice. Should I really lower my standards of physical attraction or joust keep on hoping the ‘right’ one will come along? p.s I’m hopeless at meeting people randomly in public. maybe that what I should learn to do to get somewhere?? But what do I say?
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female
reader, Bee4ever  +, writes (24 November 2010):
I came across your post and wanted to ask if you've had any luck. Much like what has been said before I suggest you try to talk to women who may not be as attractive as you like but seem nice. I'm not saying to lower your standards but I think this will get you Into the practice of talking to women with confidence. If you approach it as a way to make more female friends you will build your friendship circle. Who knows this woman could be your next long term girlfriend or she might have a girlfriend who is perfect for you. Focus on personality more than looks. At the end of the day you want it to be a nice girl you can laugh and have a good time with. I wouldn't recommend a bar to meet women because the girls that get free drinks from guys may just want small talk. Try instead to catch someones gaze and smile at the grocery store, bookstore, mall. Anywhere really. I've been asked out at gas stations (since I seldom go out without my boyfriend) so really any place is an opportunity. The more comfortable you get making small talk with girls for no agenda the more courage you will have when it matters. :)
A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Ah the bookstore, there's always tons of ladies littered down the aisles..look over by the magazines. Grab some magazine you like (not Maximum) and flip through it..Or go down other aisles, and if you see a woman holding a book that you have read, "That's a good read." That starts a convo of her asking you about the book, you being intellectual and giving her your opinion on it..blah, blah..then you ask her if she wants to join you for tea at the cafe. Easy as pie.
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (3 November 2010):
I laughed my ass off at that Bologna part. If you said that to me I would definitely give you the time of day..ChiGirl is correct of every one woman who enjoys you chatting her up will be a handful of ladies who will brush you off. But hey EVERYONE has been rejected at one point in their life. Yes, even ladies. For example, if you're standing behind a nice looking girl in a long line..You can rant about how they need to open up another line. Or accidentally a spice at me feet so I have to pick it up and give it to you. Or even when you're grocery shopping, you can ask very single ladies when they're grabbing for the same product, pretend you've never tried that new cream cheese with the side of fruit. Ask if they like it, and proceed to chat. You may like it microwaved with salt and pepper but can't imagine it with fruit..There's opportunities you just have to wait till they arise. Plus you got to have some confidence, and bring out that extroverted side.
Now, you can pick up a respectable woman in a club..it's definitely been proven. So I wouldn't necessarily rule that out. Stake out a cute single girl, usually they're in groups so you're going to have to extract them out. Buy a drink, something decent and go hand it to her. She'll be utterly speechless, but it starts conversation with the polite gesture. Or if you're sitting at the bar, you can also have the bartender send over a drink to her and he'll tell the chick it was from you. That also gets a woman to come to you..Then you start off with" hi, Im blah blah..and your name is? You caught my eye across the bar. So who are you here with? Is this place your scene?" Ask open ended questions then let her ask some..talk about the music, how often you frequent this place, yadda yadda you get the gist.
Start by hanging out with the guys, then get some female friends..Socializing starts with friends, so start by socializing with your female friends, even asking if they can give you any tips.
It just seems like after so long, you feel like you've been doing something wrong..so you're trying to change it up. Did you ever think there's nothing wrong with you except that maybe you lack a little confidence? If that's your profile pic, then yes you are a fetching man. I think you need to work on your social skills with your friends and then work on your confidence. Which can be helped through dressing in clothes that make you look and feel good, having a signature scent, looking at how accomplished you are in your life, looking in the mirror and seeing a fetching British man who can get any lady, and if you want to tone it up hit the gym. By then you have brushed up on your social skills and have built up your confidence , you're invincible.
All else fails, get a work visa and move to America..we love British men.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (3 November 2010):
 I think you need to factor in that if you hit on a girl in the supermarket, yes it will come of as you are hitting on her, but that is the point. If she finds you attractive she will reply with something back, and smile or laugh, no matter how silly what you said was. But for every girl who appreciates your move, there will be about 20-30 girls who don't. But that doesn't mean it's just odd or weird, the more you try it, the more you will improve. Few people are born smooth talkers. Some of us need to be blunt. I've chatted up guys in odd places too, and it never worked for me, but I am convinced if I didn't already find a boyfriend elsewhere it would work some day. You just find the right type of person and it wont matter where or how you chat her up.
You need to just try out different things and find out what works for you.
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A
male
reader, Keithym +, writes (3 November 2010):
Keithym is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for your help guys.
To Tennisstar88 and anyone else who can help? , I noticed that you girls have been chatted up in some random places there e.g. cafe, the gym, at the supermarket. It is my biggest wish to be able to chat a girl up in that way as my circle of friends don’t know many women, plus I don’t hit the clubs anymore so dating sites is my only other option at the moment but I want to find other methods..
As a man I don’t understand what you can possibly say in those situations to start a sustainable conversation without sounding nerdy. I have it in my head that women in those situations would find it weird if random men came talking to her, as they would think that I was trying to ‘hit’ on her. I feel like I am being sleazy and just don’t know what to say! E.g. at a supermarket. I see your having Bolognese for your tea... then silence. I feel like I am so much more socially inept than most other blokes and missing out on the dating scene and times running out for me. Do any of you ladies have any ideas on what I can say in these situations or how I can expand on a conversation that a girl would be interested in? or even ways in which I can improve my social skil;s with women would be great ;-)
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Don't be embarrassed. The only stupid questions are the ones you don't ask on an anonymous internet message board.
Anyway, you claim girls you fancy didn't like you back. Does that mean the girls you don't fancy did, sometimes, like you? Examine how you acted in both cases. I'm certain there was a difference - perhaps you maintain a clam, confident detachment better with ugly girls, or maybe you move too fast with pretty ones.
Meeting women in bookstores, grocery stores, and cafes works pretty well. *What* you say doesn't really matter - guys have a hard time understanding that, but so long as it isn't too strange or threatening, it really means nothing so long as you have a confident tone of voice. Say "Hi," or "What's your name?" Better yet, comment on something in the surrounding area.
Learn to accept public rejection as a fact of life. You never get the girl you don't ask out, and you never have to worry about the ones who say "No" after the initial encounter. If the thought of rejection really bothers you, go out somewhere with the explicit intent of talking to strange women - without asking them out, no matter how well it goes. Later, you can try going to a bar asking them out and getting shot down, learning to accept it.
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A
female
reader, Libra1963  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 I feel the best way to meet people is to find an interest where You will be around people on a regular basis e.g. sports club, evening classes, voluntary work. You need to make friends first. The best relationships are from those that develop from friendships. People even meet at work. You did not say whether you are working or studying.
Once in the right environment you will fnd that you make more friends. You mentioned that you are friendly so that is not the problem. What you need is someone on your level who looks at life in the same way you do. You need to start asking girls out and getting to know them. Just because you are taking them out some not mean you are "dating " them. do not get into one night sexual relationships with girls. That can put you in a bad light.
It sounds like you need to flirt more with the girls you like. Girls like funny witty guys. Be aware of your grooming as that can be a put of. Take care of your personal appearance. You dont need loads of money to do this.
I was not sure what you meant by lower your standards. We all know who is within our remit. For example, I know Prince Andrew is out of my league. We should naturally be drawn to people from similiar backgrounds to ourselves. If you are not attracted to girls of certain standards, keep your standards high. You will meet someone soon.
Check out the internet on articles on how to flirt and dating tips. There are loads of brilliant articles out there.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (2 November 2010):
Don't be embarrassed about your age, or coming on here. Nothing to be ashamed of. We get various ages and from all countries asking various questions.
Now to pinpoint where you're going wrong..well dating websites, my friends haven't found much luck, or a lot of people looking for a piece of rear. You're not shy, but I can see you lacking confidence maybe being nervous or cautious when you're talking to women..More like you're trying too hard to say the right thing or to flirt. I could be wrong, I don't know you.
I've been picked up at random places, anywhere from a man asking to join me when I'm dining alone in a cafe, waiting for my flight, on the flight, during recreational or leisure time, at the gym, in class, in a restaurant by the waiter, at a bar, party, online, and from mutual friends. You just have to apply that friendly persona everywhere and get comfortable chatting up random ladies in the supermarket while waiting for the butcher to cut your meat, or get risky and ask a woman who is eating her sandwich alone if you could join her..(make sure she's not reading a paper or literary source of choice)
When you talk to a woman, do be yourself, relax, use body language, don't be too forward, smile, make eye contact, have confidence, look your best, and make sure you smell good. If you feel like you need to shed some pounds, start running, join a gym, change the way you eat.
Now, maybe there's absolutely nothing wrong with you and you're picking the wrong type of women. What are you looking for in a woman?
I wouldn't necessarily lower your standards, unless you're going for women out of your league. Then you might have to tone it down. Honestly, a lot of men and women have been where you have been, and are either still waiting or within a year have found their spouse. I know 25 year old men who are in the same boat you're in. My point is there is someone out there for everyone, you never know you might be a girlfriend away from meeting your future wife. It's easy to get frustrated and annoyed you're never going to find the right one, but the key is to stay positive and have faith that she's out there.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (2 November 2010):
It all depends on what kind of catch you are yourself. If you lower your standards you will end up with someone who has also lowered their standards. Which means you aren't excatly the best catch yourself.
Im not into the whole "only beautyful people get to date equally beautiful people", but physical attraction is a necessity. If you're in general a normal looking guy you should be able to find a woman who likes your type of look. But if you are overweight it could be a good idea to not lower your standards in women, but highten the standards of yourself.
Women want certain things in a man. If you do not have those things you become unattractive, no matter how low your standard is. So if you told us a bit more about yourself that could give us some hints on why you "fail" the dating scene.
Eaxmples of what women look for in a man: kindness, a good job, stability (financial stability among others), charm, social skills, honesty, that he respects her, treats her good, respects himself, takes care of himself, works hard etc.
We don't want lazy bums who are overwight and can't keep a job. We typically want someone who we can create a family with. And for that to happen you need to be able to bring something to the table.
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