A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm really not sure what to do for the best. I feel out with a really good friend of mine who I've always loved. I know I did the right thing but I just don't know what to do. He was always such a repsectable person with strict values, and in the past he has done things against these that he regrets and has always said he wishes he was the person he once was. He went abroad for quite a while to try out some work (2 weeks prior to this he split with his gf although that was LD and I don't even think it was that serious and as far as I know he never slept with her)Anyway he made some great friends and had a great time, however you could tell all he was doing was showing off, he then got with a girl and slept with her and then published on over facebook, he says he liked her but in the same respect he knew he'd never be with her. Yet he'd always lived by "no point sleeping with anyone unless you serious with them". Alot of his friends in the past have laughed at him for not wanting to sleep with girls like that and for his beleifs so he was never open about them. Anyway I said to him I don't see why you've change just to fit in, we argued and all he could say was I can't change back to who I was and all this was a release for me. I did think all that(what he used to think) until I went there. So basically now he spent afew weeks in a place where people get what they want because they sleep around and act like loud mouth ***** they are happy.I told him I know full well this is all because hes been hurt and all he could say was I don;t appreciate you saying this to me. I said to him if you'd of been open about it before you would of never made the mistakes. No you can't change the past but you can stand up for what you believe in and not let it happen again. Whenever I said that he just went off on one, he never had a proper reason just kept throwing the same thing back at me.After afew days of arguing he said I cant get on with you because you care to much about the past. We have had a bad past and in all honesty I didnt fall out with him because he went against what he believed in. It was because for years I've tried to be a friend, tried to see him but I just get avoided like he distances himself from me, I get no effort from him and I'm sick of the fact he'll talk to others about me yet I don't even get a proper friendship out of him, and the fact was now he wasn't even willing to say he wasn't willing to act the way he did again. Anyway after all that he said I don;t want to be your friend because we have to much of a past. He said he was sorry he didn't see what we could do. I said why don;t yo try making an effort to see me etc, which is all I ever wanted was to be proper friends and he just said look its been like this for ages. He just wont tell me why he treats me like this. In the past he said he was shy but now he just gives all these excuses and says its best to end the friendship simply because we have a past and I care and hes changed now.I feel so lost, like the friend I had all this time has gone. He seems so happy the way he is now and without me. Its his life I get that but I care. Everyone said I said the right thing because its all true. No one could understand why he'd done this and then plastered it on fb, they were all so shocked. I don't know what to do for the best. If I speak to him (we have had a normal convo since) n try and sort it I feel like we won't get anywhere becasue he won't change or appreciate what hes lost but I know if I leave it he won;t make any effort with me. I know this because we fell out once and he just acted asif he didn't care then a year later I found a blog he'd wrote saying how he wished he nevr fell out with me and he wishes he could put everything right.Fact is hes been hurt in the past and because hes gone out and had abit of fun hes blanked everything out from the past and gone at it head on and as many other people agree hes gone far to over the top. I don't understand him I know hes just trying to blank everything out but that doesn't mean you have to act like this and go against what you have believed in all your life.I've only ever tried to care but that doesn't work, he doesn;t seem to want me to care just wants people to love him like his mates etc which is why you can never tell if your seeing the true him. Its one thing not having any idea why I've been avoided etc n then another as to why hes changing like this. But what should I do for the best, I can't just leave it please help.
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (5 July 2012):
 I know how you feel...I have had this same experience. My friend was someone I could depend upon, but we also had a lot of fun. I still do not know what happened, but it went from having a close personal friendship to him not even acknowledging my existence when I was in his presence. It was a very stressful time for me. I was like you and tried to care, but anytime we would talk, he would basically blame me for anything that went wrong. When we saw each other, he would ignore me, and I just couldn't see taking that any longer. I was deeply saddened by it as I choose my friends very carefully. He went from being one of the most genuine people I knew to be one of the most superficial people I knew. I still don't know why the big change, but I couldn't deal with it anymore. I think you have done the only thing you can do. You have tried talking to him and he doesn't want any part of the truth. If you have done what you think is right, and have been genuine...that is the best you can do. I would let him go. I know this is hard, and at one time he was a very good friend, but you sound like a very good person and deserve better friends than that.
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 July 2012):
Hi there. It is hard for you to accept how he is now, because you liked the "old" him.
Perhaps when he had those beliefs before, he only half believed in them.
He could have thought that was who he was, until he went travelling and lived a bit more of life.
And that apparently opened his eyes.
Unfortunately, we can't change anyone but ourselves.
So with that being the truth, all you can really do is to accept how he is now, without question.
And without any expectation for him to change.
Because it seems clear that he is fairly happy with how he lives his life now, and seems to not want to change it at all.
So the only thing you can do, is to either decide to accept who he is now - or NOT accept him.
That part is up to you.
It could be that this "new" version of him isn't the real him either.
However, he may not be aware of this for a while - months, or years.
It's entirely possible that it will make him happy for only a short while.
And it then could come to a time, where he realizes it's not as good as he believed it would be.
And then he might also come to the conclusion, that who he was before his travelling, WAS who he really is after all.
However, only time will help him realize that.
He might go back to who he was before, and he might not.
It just depends on what really makes him happy in the end.
You can't change him - only he can decide he wants to change.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 July 2012):
 Okay do you like this guy as more than a friend? At the end of the day I can see why you are worried and why you feel like he is changing but you really should not be judging him, his sex life is his business and you really have no place to interfere in this or tell him that what he is doing is wrong, if he was a friend you would not judge him like this, that's what leads me to think that you may actually have feelings for this guy.
Okay so he has been hurt in the past, he needs you as a friend now more than ever not for you to be telling him he is showing off and being someone who he is not. Let him be whoever he wants to be, don't judge him. If he wants to have sex with a girl for the sake of it to get it out of his system then let him don't make a huge deal out of it.
If he is not giving you anything out of the friendship then the best thing to do is to end it if you feel like he is just not acting as a good friend. This is a choice for you to make.
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